Rubbed Jokes
109 rubbed jokes and hilarious rubbed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rubbed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Rubbed Short Jokes
Short rubbed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rubbed humour may include short rubbing jokes also.
- Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money - I got fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
- I got fired from my job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
- i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in
- My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
- Why are genies always male? Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamp never know how to rub it just right.
- A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine. No congestion for hours!
- My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.
- I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in
- My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it... But he's sticking to his guns on this one. stubborn man.
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Rubbed One Liners
Which rubbed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rubbed? I can suggest the ones about rubs and stubbed.
- What do you get when rubbing two oranges together Pulp friction
- One time, I wrote down so many double entendres... ...I had to rub one out.
- I was gonna tell a priest joke... But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.
- What does a perverted frog say? Rub it, rub it
- I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes... I now have Heinzsight.
- What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? RUB-IT RUB-IT!
- I've been prescribed anti gloating cream... Can't wait to rub it in.
- I had to quit the massage business. I kept rubbing people the wrong way.
- My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream... Now all I want to do is rub it in.
- I've never trusted an amateur masseuse. They just rub me the wrong way.
- I like my women like I like my alcohol..... Rubbing.
- I rubbed ketchup in my eyes Now i have Heinzsight.
- Woman are like sandpaper Only useful when rubbed on my wood
- Forrest gump finds a magic lamp he rubs it, and out pops "a Jennay."
- I don't like my masseuse... She just rubs me the wrong way.
Cheeky Rubbed Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about rubbed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean back rub jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rubbed pranks.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
the teacher and the vandal
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word p**...' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word p**...' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
A nerd was walking home from the comic book store and tripped over a green lantern.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. "Three wishes, kid. You know the drill." The kid thought about it for only a second and said, "I want to be just like Batman." "No sweat," said the genie, "I'll be back for your two other wishes after I'm finished with your parents."
Different fats
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great s**.... I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had s**..., I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Gay guy said, "Well, last week my boyfriend and I also had s**.... I
rubbed his body all over with Crisco. We made love, and he screamed for
over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you
have possibly done to make your boyfriend scream for six hours?"
The Gay guy said, "I used the bedspread to wipe my hands."
So there are two blondes stranded on an island....
One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. He says, "I shall grant you each one wish". The blonde who rubbed the lamp requests a cell phone to call for help, however, it was useless because there was no reception on the island. The second blonde said, "I want to be smarter than this other blonde!" So, the genie pointed her to the bridge.
A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service
Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.
Three men and a genie (long)
Three men are lost in the Sahara Desert. While the men are walking one of them stumbles across a lamp, the man rubbed it and out came a genie.
He allowed them each one wish. The first man wishes he was back home, his wish is granted. The second man wishes he was back home, his wish is granted. The third man says, "Well, I'm kind of lonely, I wish my friends were back with me."
A man stumbles across an old lamp.....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
This guy goes to the zoo one day...
While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own c**..., looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
Old people love
My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
A mexican guy, a black guy, and a white guy are all walking down a beach when they find a magic lamp...
So they rubbed it and a genie pops out, tells them they get 1 wish each.
The mexican guy goes 1st and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Mexico." and p**...! The wish is granted.
The black guy goes next and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Africa." and p**...! The wish is granted.
Last up is the white guy, he asks the genie: "with their wishes, all the Mexicans and b**... are back to their home lands?" The genie replies: "yes, they all are."
The white guy then says: "I'll have a coke please."
The family dog was in heat...
Little Bobbys family dog was in heat and his paretns did not want it to walk around the neighbourhood because it hadnt yet been spayed. After a few hours of little bobby bothering his dad to let his take her out for a walk his dad finally relented. He took the dog into the garage and rubbed a cloth in gasoline all over the dogs c**.... "there" bobbys dad said "That ought to keep the male dogs from catching her scent".
Bobby was gone barely 10 minutes before he returned without the dog "wheres Lassie?" the dad asked.
Bobby replied "she ran out of gas halfway back and a kind neighbourhood dog is just pusinng her back"
A pirate, parrot, and a genie were on a boat
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into r**...!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening c**..., and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest r**... ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of r**... on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"
very today ;)
One day a woman found Aladdin's lamp, she rubbed it and Genie jumped out and asked her for a wish
- I wish my husband loved me like nothing else, I wish he looked at me as first thing in the morning, I wish he spent all his time with me, I wish he touched me a lot and was always by my side
And Genie turned the woman into a smartphone
I once found a magic lamp and rubbed it...
...a genie came
How did the man escape from prison?
Well, he rubbed his hands to make them sore,
He used the saw to cut the table in half,
Two halves make a whole,
He jumped into the hole and got out,
Finally he shouted til his voice was hoarse then climbed on the horse and rode back home.
An old one my grandfather told before he died.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Genie Lamp
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I am a child m**... just like my dad was a child m**....
He rubbed off on me.
How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers?
He rubbed them all the wrong way
What did the rich bearded s**... owner say when he was stranded in the desert and saw a mirage of an Arabian lamp and rubbed it?
here in my mirage got this brand new labor genie here
Why did the genie turn the man into a toad?
He rubbed him the wrong way.
My friend just got fired from her job as a masseuse.
I guess she rubbed people the wrong way.
I'd rather vote for Monica Lewinsky than Hillary Clinton...
...because at least a little bit of Bill rubbed off on Monica!
What crime did the scientist commit when he rubbed Sodium on Alkaline?
A salt and battery.
Why did the woman fire her masseuse?
He just rubbed her the wrong way
I found a lamp in a back alley
When I rubbed it the genie said
'You may have a long memory, or a long p**...'
I forget my response
I owe my love of b**... all to my dad
When I was a child, he really rubbed off on me.
I fired my masseur today.
He just rubbed me the wrong way.
My friend went for a massage the other day...
...hoping that he'd come back feeling refreshed. However he returned with an annoyed look on his face. The masseuse must've rubbed him the wrong way.
I went to for a massage the other day as it was really cheap...
..... I won't be going again though because they rubbed me up the wrong way.
A man goes to church
And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."
The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"
The man says "Well, me and the woman were n**... but we just rubbed against each other."
The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."
The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"
The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."
I think i'm going to be famous!
I met Jimmy Savile when I was young and I think he rubbed off on me!
A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And p**...! She was a smartphone!
I got pretty angry at my shirt for chafing my chest...
...I guess you could say it rubbed me the wrong way.
A piece of string walks into a bar...
And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "Aren't you that same string I just kicked out?!" To which the string replies "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".
Obama walks into a bar, but he's invisible.
The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter
Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*
Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*
Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*
He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.
Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*
So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.
Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*
Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*
A man walks into a bar with a small head.
And the bartender says "I gotta ask, how did your head become so small? "
And the man says "Well i was walking on the beach yesterday and i came across a lamp. I rubbed it and this smoking hot genie came pouring out and said "I will grant you any wish you want, but you cant wish to have s**... with me" So i said "how about a little head?""
I caught Usain Bolt's sweat towel after the race today and promptly rubbed it all over my face
I was trying to get usain in my membrane
Just rubbed my eyes after cutting some jalapeños
I have hella pain, yo.
Why did the genie got angry?
Someone must have rubbed him off the wrong way.
Why did the masseuse get fired?
The rubbed people up the wrong way
I just fired my massage therapist
she rubbed me the wrong way
I don't think I'm going to go back to my massage therapist.
He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master.
He rubbed her the wrong way.
A police officer arrested a massage parlor owner
Because he rubbed him the wrong way
I broke up with my girlfriend after she gave me a h**....
She always rubbed me the wrong way.
You know whats common between a match and a man?
They both need to be rubbed.
Just found out I'm into i**..., just like my dad!
I guess he rubbed off on me a lot.
When my grandfather got sick, my grandmother rubbed lard all over his back.
After that he went downhill very quickly.
\- Milton Jones
Remember the guy who got molested by his alcoholic father?
He showed up in court the other day for drunk driving and the judge said, "Looks like your old man rubbed off on you"
Adam Sandler's movies have really been going downhill lately
In his most recent one he rubbed up against Rock's bottom.
Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner
He rubbed him the wrong way
You're so u**... that, if you found a lamp, rubbed it, a genie popped out and you wished to not die a v**......
He'd make you immortal.
Had a massage today, but I didn't like it.
They rubbed me the wrong way.
I never used to enjoy m**......
I guess it must have rubbed off on me.
My American Indian friend was with his sister in the back seat of my car
We sat idle for awhile and then he said, "can you turn on the i**..."... shocked, i reached around and rubbed his sisters thigh
A ham sandwich walked into a bar
The bartender rubbed his eyes and didn't believe what he saw. He forgot he took l**... that morning.
I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons
I am having a few Rugrats
Was making dinner and rubbed my eye
Instantly it was irritated with me.
My friend told me this(This was not from me)
I really didn't like my masseuse.
She really rubbed me the wrong way.
After everything I say say addicted
Food! Alcohol! Sports! What rubbed across your face last night?
I just read a book that rubbed me the wrong way
It was science friction
My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.
Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.
Three formerly wealthy friends, who all had the same name, found a Genie's lamp...
So they decided that when they released the genie each of them would get one wish. So they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and said, "hello, I will grant you three wishes." The men explained that they were going to spilt the wishes, and the genie agreed. The first man wished to be the only man on an island full of beautiful women, and p**... he was gone. The next man wished to be the most powerful world leader, and p**... he was gone. The last man, just wanted something simple and asked for his Riches to be returned. And p**... both of his friends came back.
I don't know why, but my girlfriend made me really mad giving me a h**... the other night
I guess she just rubbed me the wrong way
A blonde, redhead and a brunette
A blonde, redhead and a brunette are lost and have found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appears and grants them 3 wishes in total.
The redhead wished to be back home.
p**..., she was back home.
The brunette wished to be back with her family.
p**..., she was back with her family.
The blonde said: Wow! I wish my friends were here.
i did't like the massage therapist i met yesterday
she rubbed me the wrong way
So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...
Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.
My massage therapist got fired...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street
when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"
The father said "look, its great! just the other day, i rubbed some holy water on this lady's tummy and she passed a beautiful little baby"
Little Johhny said "ahh, thats nuthin. I rubbed some of this on my dogs a**... and he passed a Mercedes"
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
One day a man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out
"I'm gay" said the genie
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.
She said yea. So I rubbed my finger across her top lip and that's how the fight started, your honor
an old arabic joke my uncle told me
a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital
the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"
he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...
I think I should look for a new dentist....
