Rub Jokes

Have some laughs with rub jokes! Learn jokes that have to do with back rubs, belly rubs, chub rubs, scratchers, Vicks, and doobies. Looking for some fun jokes to spice up any party? Check out these rub jokes and get the laughs rolling!

Amusing Rub Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much o**... s**... she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

jokes about rub

Sometimes i rub sand into my p**...

Just so I can make my c**... feel at home.

Son: "I got expelled"

Dad: "How?"

Son: "I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard."

Dad: "That's pretty dumb but-"

Son: "Then my teacher told me to go up to the board..."

Dad: "Ok?"

Son: "And rub 1 out."

i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me

like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

Why are genies always male?

Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamps never know how to rub it just right.

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine.

No congestion for hours!

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

You can explore rub dooby reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean rub vapour dad jokes. There are also rub puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

I was gonna tell a priest joke...

But it would probably rub some kids the wrong way.

What does a perverted frog say?

Rub it, rub it

A Mexican, a Black guy and a White guy are walking down the beach...

They find a bottle and the Mexican guy decides pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out of the bottle and speaks to them and grants them each one wish.

The Mexican guy goes first and says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and I could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Mexican guy disappears.

Now it's the black guy's turn. He says, "I wish that all my African brothers and I could all go back to our motherland and be happy, prosperous and free."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Black guy disappears.

Now it's the white guy's turn.
The white guy pauses for a moment, scratches his head and says "Are you telling me that all the b**... and Mexicans are gone from America?
The genie nods his head and says yes.
The white guy makes up his mind and says, "Ok, well i'll have a Coke, thanks."

Yet another genie in the lamp joke

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Blonde genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

My wife said she'd like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your b**... every day.

She said, What the h**... is that going to do?

I said, I don't know but it seems to have worked wonders on your a**....

Question my sexuality all you want, but I'm warning you...

Guys who rub me the wrong way often find themselves in a very sticky situation.

According to the vet, our dog is addicted to m**....

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub.

Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

The worst part about working with a bunch of d**...... they tend to rub off on you.

I've been prescribed anti gloating cream...

Can't wait to rub it in.

A wife is looking in the mirror at her b**......and sighing. The husband asks what's bothering her, and she tells him she wished she had a larger bosom...

He says, "well here's what you should do. Every day, take some toilet paper, ball it up, and rub it between your b**...."

Excited...she asks, "and that'll make them bigger?"

"It might" he replies. "It sure worked for your a**...".


I just really hate it when homeless people shake there cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they have more money than me?

When people rub your pregnant girl's stomach and say congrats

But nobody tickles your b**... and say well done

Regarding the m**... jokes. A lot you guys may not know this, but m**......

Is a very touchy subject.

I'm sorry. Did that joke rub you the wrong way?

One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream

Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!

I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.

I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.

Why do l**... tend to dress alike?

They rub off on eachother.

What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?

A balloon animal!

I was asked to come up with a list of 10 s**... innuendo...

But I accidentally came up with 11, so I had to rub one out.

My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream...

Now all I want to do is rub it in.

I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?

Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"...

So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.

What do frogs say when they're m**...?

Rub it. Rub it. Rub it.

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have already lost four wallets this week. But you can buy cheap wallets at the dollar store.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

The big duck

A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash

He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"

"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"

So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it

A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"

" incredible, I wish for a billion !"

Suddenly, a pillion appeared.

"But this is not what i asked for !"

And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"

What does a h**... frog say


I despise when homeless people shake their coin cups at me.

Look, I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in my face.

I've never trusted an amateur masseuse.

They just rub me the wrong way.

Did you hear about the Mexican hit-man who was a chronic masturbator?

He got excited when he was ordered to rub Juan out.

All these Texas troubles reminds me of a joke. Two guys walking down a beach and find a magic lamp. Rub it and a Genie pops out. He says, "You get one wish each for me to grant!" First guy says ok I got it. TEXAS is the best state ever. I want....

You to build a huge massive wall around the border and make it so no one can come in or out and the world can not see in. Genie says ok wish granted and p**... giant wall around Texas appears.

Second guy, thinks and thinks and goes ok. Genie I want you to fill Texas with water.

What do b**... and stains have in common?

If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?

KID: Ketchup and rub....... HEY!

I'm picky about who I accept h**... from.

Some people just rub me the wrong way.

I only wanted some chocolates ffs

When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates.

The cashier was like, "That will be ten pounds."

I'm like, "Rub it in, why don't you?"

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

A doctor specializing in circumcision is about to retire...

Over the years he has kept all the foreskins and approaches a leather smith to see if he can make them into something.

A few weeks later the leather smith delivers a small wallet to the doctor, the doctor is confused saying "I gave you loads of foreskins and you only made this tiny wallet?"

The leather smith replies with "ah you see, if you rub it the right way it turns into a briefcase"

b**... Job

Wife says to her husband, "I've been saving up and I can finally afford that b**... job I've been wanting for years."

Husband: Why spend all that money on surgery? Just take toilet paper and rub it between your b**....

Wife: How will that make my b**... bigger?

Husband: I don't know but it has sure worked for your a**...!

Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the k**... to get into the house.

What does a perverted frog say?

Rub it

I can't stand it when homeless people shake their little cups at me

Yeah, I get it. You have more money than me, do you really have to rub it in?

Genie of the lamp (repost warning).

Two neighbours, one rich, one poor meet at their fence.

The poor one is holding a cup of tea and a lamp : "Every morning, I rub this lamp and a genie comes out and asks : "What do you want?" . I usually ask for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour gawks, "I'll give you my carΒ and my house in exchange for the lamp." "Wow, Ok", says the poor man.

The rich man rubs the lamp and a genie comes out : "Ask what you want my master".
Rich man laughs: "I want a very big house and a better car. The genie replies : "Sorry sir, I only serve tea and coffee ".

My doctor prescribed anti-gloating ointment.

I can't wait to rub it in.

A blonde girl is eating an ice-cream

Her friend tells her : "You have ice-cream on your cheek".
The blonde girl starts to rub her left cheek. "No the other way".
She puts a finger in her mouth and rubs. "Hij it gonhe ?"

(sorry, it's more a visual joke)

This guy was so computer illiterate...

When told to turn on a computer, he asked where he's supposed to rub it. :P

A woman goes to the doctor to ask how she can get bigger b**......


The doctor says: "just rub a piece of toilet paper between your b**... every day"

1 month later she still has no result despite doing exactly what the doctor asked. The woman goes back and asks angrily: "doc, i rub a piece of toilet paper between them every day, yet my b**... are still the same size! How is this possible?"


The doctor says:" Well, i dunno it worked with your a**......"

When a Prince Kisses a Sleeping Princess, it's "Romantic"...

...but when I give a shoulder rub to the lady sleeping in front of me on the bus, I'm "banned from riding the bus"

A Rabbi had been saving f**...

He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his f**... collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.

I once stole a pornographic book

that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was all you could make of it?!"

"Well, it may be a shaving kit now, but if you rub it a bit, it becomes an overnight bag, and if you rub it a lot, it becomes a two-suiter."

β€ͺI really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

β€ͺDo they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?‬

Obgyn Assistant

A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the h**... up north!)

What? The job's in Sudbury he asks?

No, it's here. That's just the end of the line.

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

A couple goes into a bar

They rub their hands on the rough table surface and fire came up.

I guess they were a match.

I used to rub ketchup in my eye

Now i've got Heinz sight

I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with s**... assault;;

I'm worried he might rub off on me.

If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name,

Just lick your finger then rub a balloon

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway this morning

Luckily there was no congestion.

Remember that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes that make girls laugh. Many of the rub belly rub puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate.

We suggest you to use only working rub back rub piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and make them laugh.

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