Royal Jokes

Following is our collection of castle humor and throne one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Royal puns for adults, dirty heir jokes or clean princesses gags for kids.

There is an abundance of royalty jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes on royal. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any royally witze you can hear about royal.

The Best jokes about Royal

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.

St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.

A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

The Royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds

Which is just under $15 US

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

The Royal Honeymoon.

On the day of her wedding to Prince William, Catherine gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Catherine's feet are in agony.

The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear William say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispers Camilla to the Prince Charles, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they hear William say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," says the Prince Charles. "Once an Etonian, always an Etonian."

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.

"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....

"One says, "I've never come this way before."

The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."

So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup

Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst

What's the difference between a school shooting and a royal wedding?

A royal wedding doesn't happen every week.

The Post Office

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.

"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

At a renaissance fair, a Royal Entertainer held a door open for me.

It was a nice jester.

Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking?

To go to the grand opening.

Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers?

To get to the royal ball.

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship. But my priest insists he died on the cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games?

Because it's last person standing wins.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender

"Give me two beers. Rough day at work."

And the bartender says, "Oh? what do you do?"

The guy says, "I take care of the Corgis - you know, the dogs that the royal family owns."

The bartender says, "Tough job, huh?"

The guy says, "Well, all that in-breeding has led to low intelligence
and bad temperament. And the dogs aren't that smart either."

There is going to be a battle royal between religious leaders

I would put $20 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man.

What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep?

Prince Nodding Ham

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me." the king said

So they did and brought him to the king

The prophet knew what was going on of course

The king decided to ask the prophet one more question to see if he truly was what he claimed to be

"Do you know when you are going to die?" the king asked the prophet

"Yes I do" answered the prophet

"Well, when?"

"I am going to die three days before you."

The royal baby only farts neon;

It's a noble gas.

The evening after they were married, Harry set Meghan to work, polishing his set of Royal plate mail.

Well, she did say she always wanted a night in, shining armour.

There was a royal baby...

The royal baby was born 8 pounds, 6 ounces. With the exchange rate, that's like 12.50, American.

I've never seen a royal flush.

Then again, I've never been in the Queen's bathroom.

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a royal straight flush.

Did you hear about the Queen's abortion?

I hear it was a royal flush

\[Like always please Up/Down vote at your own discretion but please don't downvote just because you are offended - It was marked NSFW to warn you in advance\]

I like to think of the act of pooping like a game of poker

You go all in with a royal flush.

Prince William visits the Royal Institute for the insane...

He inspects the facilities and has a cup of tea with the workers, just as his mother would have done. He then asks to speak to a few of the residents. The staff were hesitant to agree to the request, but seeing as he was the chief patron of the institute, they couldn`t say no.

After meeting a few crazy types, the prince found himself talking to a young man who appeared completely normal. The young man explained his situation, "Someone has made a mistake. I have no idea why I am here. As you can see from my behaviour I am perfectly fine and I could fit into the community immediately. I`ve written to a number of high ranking people but they refer me back to the manager here. I guess you are my only chance of getting released. Can you talk to someone on my behalf?"

Prince William was very impressed with the manner in which the young man spoke and promised that he`d do all he could for him. But as the prince got up to walk away and continue his tour, the young man punched him really hard in the back of the head.

The prince was stunned and turned to face the man who said, "That was just so you wouldn`t forget me."

What do you call a Royal Drug Dealer?

Your Highness.

How much in royalties did 50 Cent get paid by Republicans?

It's obviously a cover of Get Rich or Die Tryin'

What does a queen do when she burps?

Issues a royal pardon!

What does the Queen of England drink?

Royal tea.

A Fairy Tale

After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.

"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"

"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"

Why does the royal family hate deli meats?

Because they're in bread

What do you call sex within the royal family?


What do you call a king with a weed addiction?

Your royal highness.

What happens after the queen visits the toilet?

A royal flush

I must be from Saudi Arabia.

I didn't even know about the royal wedding.

Apparently, I spent my whole life living under Iraq.

A Royal Dentist Joke

Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"
The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"
The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"

How can you tell the royal baby is coming?

The crowning...

A king was walking in the city

A king was walking in the city when he saw a man that looked exactly like him.

He went to him and asked: Did your mother work in the royal palace.

The man replied: No, but my father did.

Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

Anyone who's last name is King has royal blood pumping through their veins including me...

I am Joe King.

The german submarine in the Atlantic brings in a new communications guy.

It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.

In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking!".

The german communications operator remains super composed. He slides the mic a little closer to him and presses the button to speak. He very calmly orates, " Zis.. is.. ze German command. What.. are you... zinking about?".

Old one but, your royal highness:

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

There once lived a puma (mountain lion) in LA.

This particular cat never really identified herself as a puma, she really felt a closer affinity towards tigers. Being in LA, she convinced herself she could chase her dreams and set off on a journey to find herself and realise her identity.

After swimming across the seven seas, she finally got to India and roamed about the Sunderbans looking for a royal Bengal tiger. When she finally met one, she made her case, pleading the tiger to accept her as a part of the community and promising that she'd be a great tiger.

The tiger, a majestic male, thought about it for a few moments and said,

"No. You'll have to earn your stripes."

Why does Queen Elizabeth's toilet do so well in poker games?

Because it's got a royal flush.

The Queen takes the Bishop, leaving the Knight in a vulnerable position.

This royal wedding is taking an unexpected turn.

So Mehgan's father won't be at the royal wedding...

Neither will Harry's.

If life was a RPG and inbreeding was a skill set

The royal family would be at the top of the tier


Q: What did Queen Isabelle say to an artistic nobleman?
A: "Jacque, paint me like one of your French churls."

What do you call the King of the Noses?

His Royal Sinus

The Royal Wedding is like my upcoming dentist appointment.

I'll be happier when it's over.

What Do The Royal Subjects Call the King of Toilet Paper?

Your plyness

If Lil Wayne was a Royal What would he be doing on the weekends?

I don't know, but I'm sure it would involve Wayneking.

A good relationship means true equality between the man

... and her royal highness

I slept through the royal wedding

But it was on a King-Size bed, so I feel like my respects were paid.

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than the school shooting?

The royal wedding doesn't happen every week.

Every party should start with the Queen to take a dump.

The royal flush is higher than the full house.

What do they call a Royal With Cheese in America?

A State Dinner

What did one royal family say to the other before getting into a fight?

Put up your Dukes!

I'll just let myself out...

What do you call a member of a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle?

A dis-count.

What do you call a royal cow?

A Milksheik.

What do you call it when a king uses the toilet?

A royal flush

Where does royalty prefer to sleep?

In bread

Royal baby name finally revealed

What sort of name is "finally revealed"?

I was 10 minutes into Harry Potter

...before I realized I was watching the Royal wedding.

It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump.

It's a Royal straight flush.

How do you make a Royal Ginger Snap

With a little brown sugar

How do Royal Thermometers Work?

They use Freddie Mercury

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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