Routine Jokes
113 routine jokes and hilarious routine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about routine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funniest jokes about daily routines! This article explores how comedy can transform an ordinary, uneventful skincare routine into a healthy dose of laughter. Get ready to giggle at the mundane moments of everyday life.
Funniest Routine Short Jokes
Short routine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The routine humour may include short habit jokes also.
- I decided to donate my body to science For the time being, I'm following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.
- A joke Alexa told me during my morning routine Happy international Left Handers day
On the other hand if you don't want to celebrate that's all right - After failing miserably at a standup routine I told my girlfriend I was going to try physical comedy. She said... "You can't pull your pants down in public."
- I started a new exercise routine this week I do 100 crunches in the morning and again in the evening
My favourites are doritos cheese supreme and Lays original - What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine? The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable
- What's the one thing Tupac needed to work on? His ab routine. If he had a good ab routine, he would have been called Sixpac.
- Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!! I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.
- I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs.
- I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny. It was a tough crowd.
- My girlfriend thinks my bedtime routine is perverted I mean, I hit the sack, and then I got to bed. What's the problem?
Share These Routine Jokes With Friends
Routine One Liners
Which routine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with routine? I can suggest the ones about procedure and helper.
- What do you call a pickle that always has the same routine Typickle!
- No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.
- I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night I got glowing reviews
- Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics? It was dope
- What is the head of the Russian empire's comedic routine called Tsarcasm
- A daily exercise routine.. ..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.
- I've been working on my comedy routine and I think it's a real hoot... Owl see myself out
- What do you call the electronic process of making a sandwich? A sub routine.
- A guy did squats at a talent show... He called it a stand up routine.
- Yesterday I did my comedy routine on the toilet It was a real shitshow
- How do you make a buff guy talk to you for hours? ask about his routine.
- I did a stand up routine on fonts, but nobody laughed I'm a Comic, Sans the humor.
- How did the Jewish man shake up his morning routine? He brew some coffee.
- I'm writing a stand up routine about my favourite spice... It's a cinnamon shtick
- Ever heard of the comedian who died gasping for air after his routine? He joked to death.
Comedy Routine Jokes
Here is a list of funny comedy routine jokes and even better comedy routine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Rudolph the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.
- Stand Up Comedy Yes, I actually did some stand up comedy, but I didn't like it... every time I would get up on stage to do my routine, all people ever did was laugh at me...
- What did the organic chemist say at the start of his stand-up comedy routine? Enjoy the show, I've got alkynes of jokes for you!
- I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
Cheerful Fun Routine Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about routine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean methods jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make routine pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man walks in to a CVS..
and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**
Baby Confusion
An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, the nurse realized that she had forgotten to place tags on the different sheets. She informed the doctor of her mistake and that she was unable to recall which baby was which. The doctor was something of a scientist and believed that there was a parenting instinct which would allow them to identify the babies. He said they would let the couples go in, look at the babies, and take whichever one they identified as their own through this inherent, natural drive.
The English couple went first, returning almost immediately carrying the darkest skinned child. The nurse, recognizing this, approached the English couple to inform them;.
"Sir, no offence, but I believe that this child belongs to that Pakistani couple over there"
"Yeah, I know mate, but I heard that the other couple over there is Irish and I'm not taking any chances"
Fun with police
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A long-married man has a routine...
... That greatly bothers his wife. Every morning, he wakes up, gets out of bed, and rips a f**... loud enough to wake the dead (or his living wife).
So, when she has finally had enough, she wants to make sure that he will never wake with his thunderous flatulence.
One morning, she gets up early, and sneaks to the kitchen for a bowl leftover bits and giblets of turkey she had in the fridge. She steals back to the bedroom, places the contents of the bowl in her husband's underwear. Then she goes downstairs, and begins to make breakfast.
After about half an hour, the hears the creak of the mattress, a loud f**..., and a scream of confusion and fear. She chuckles to herself, and continues to make breakfast with a smirk on her face.
After another half hour, she begins to wonder: Where *is* her husband? But her query is answered within minutes. Her husband waddles into the kitchen looking happy.
She asks, "What was that scream about?"
And her husband replies: "Honey, somehow I managed to f**... my guts out. But, with a little luck, and these two fingers, I was able to shove 'em back in!"
[Best joke I've heard recently] A man walks into a doctors office,...
...unzips his fly and places his considerable member on the doctors table.
Unfazed, the doctor puts on his gloves and gives the man's member a routine medical examination. After some time, the doctor, puzzled says
"I... I can't seem to find anything wrong with this...?"
To which the man replies with his hands on his hips "
No, magnificent isn't it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian joke
Boss gathers his employees for all-hands meeting. He says, "Alright people, we aren't getting anything done, productivity is nil, let's try new routine. On mondays, we're gonna to rest up after weekend. On tuesdays, we're gonna gear up for work. On wednesdays, we're gonna work. On thursdays, we're gonna rest up from working. And fridays we're gonna gear up for weekend. Any questions?"
After moment, guy in back raises hand. "So how long is this b**... with wednesdays gonna go on for?"
Common enemy joke
I have an inquiry that this group may be able to answer. I'm looking for a related joke or a video describing how complete strangers become friends once they have a common enemy. For the life of me I cannot remember this stand up routine in which the comedian describes the exact situation in which two complete strangers give each other a knowing look once they realize the old lady in front of them in a checkout line is writing a check or pulling out change. Any help is much appreciated.
My British fathers signature Dadjoke
There once were two neighbouring farms, and the two farmers who lived there like many farmers would always adhere to their daily routine.
Every morning at 9 am after feeding all the livestock, they would arrive at their mailboxes at exactly the same time to collect their newspaper and have some smalltalk before heading back up the long road to their farms.
Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"
Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"
Farmer Brown : "I heard you had a sick cow last week"
Farmer Joe : "Oh I did all right, a very sick cow"
Farmer Brown : "Well what did you give it?"
Farmer Joe : "Turpentine"
and so they went on their way
A month or so goes by and they meet once again
Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"
Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"
Farmer Brown : "I had a sick cow yesterday and I tried turpentine like you said. It died."
Farmer Joe : "yeah mine too"
Two strippers at a night club had a routine together...
...but their dance moves and styles were so off, they often got complaints from the patrons. After being confronted by their manager, one stripper said to the other, "We just gotta get our act right. We gotta learn t'werk together."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife takes husband to s**... club for his bday....
A wife decides to reward his good husband for his bday by taking him to a s**... club.
As they walk in the doorman says "welcome Mr. Howard", wife stares at husband with a surprised look, as they sit down the waitress comes over and says "scotch on the rocks Mr Howard", wife starts getting angry, the stripper comes out and starts her routine, as she gets to finale, she asked the audience "who gets the last one", the crowd yells "Mr Howard of course!!", wife gets up and leaves, as they get into the cab she lets the husband have it. The cab driver turns around and says "Mr Howard, you got a feisty one tonight~~"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two explorers are surrounded by cannibals
The first explorer makes a run for it, but is quickly caught. The second calmly starts doing the old "trapped in a glass box" routine while his comrade watches on, bewildered. Visibly disgusted, the cannibals wave him away.
Just before they lead their captive off to the s**..., he asks the second explorer why they spared him. "A mime is a terrible thing to taste."
Door to Door salesman - another oldie
A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.
Bad news and really bad news.
An elderly gentleman is at the doctor's office for what he thought was going to be a routine checkup. After having several tests done the doctor enters the room and says "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news and then some really bad news. Which would you like first?" The elderly man responds "Well, I suppose I'll take the bad news first." The doctor says "I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's." "That's terrible news Doc!" says the old man. "What could be worse than that?" The doctor continues "You also have pancreatic cancer." The old man thinks about what he has just been told for a few seconds. "Well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"
What did the police officer say to Tom Brady during a routine traffic stop?
Your tires are low.
A doctor has a regular routine...
Of visiting his local pub precisely at 5 o'clock daily. Every day the bartender prepares for his arrival by having his hazelnut daiquiri made and waiting for him. One day, the bartender goes to prepare the drink when he discovers he is all out of hazelnut. He quickly decides to use hickory hoping the doctor would not notice. The doctor comes in at 5 o'clock and taking a seat, draws a sip from the drink waiting for him. He immediately spits it out exclaiming, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No." replies the bar keep. "It's a Hickory Daiquiri Doc."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a work out routine done by a s**... robot?
An erector set. I'll see myself out.
What was Rob Bartlett's go-to line in his WackyPaki comedian routine?
Take my wife, if you would be so kind.
I have a magician friend who makes eggs appear out of thin air
He calls the routine "Creation Eggs Nihilo"
Jesus decided to try a new exercise routine
Apparently CrossFit didnt work out
I've recently had severe bowel incontinence, so I decided to consult my doctor before starting up a daily powerwalking routine...
When I asked how my condition will affect my walks, my doctor responded, "Nothing severe, but you never know when the walks will turn into the runs."
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got caught in a weird routine of m**......
When I discovered my f**... for wrist pain.
A driver gets pulled over . . .
A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did everyone disregard the midget's stand up routine?
Because puns are the lowest form of comedy.
A clown was arrested for strangling spectators.
In his defense, the clown argued that he was doing a gag routine.
My 13 year old daughter just tried to prank me with the "Daddy I'm pregnant" routine.
As if I'd fall for that one, I always use protection.
Not going back to that one
A woman came home and said to her husband, "I don't like Dr. Farnsworth and I'm never going back there again. He make me take off all my clothes for the examination."
Her husband said, "Well, what's wrong with that, isn't it routine?"
She replied, "I don't think so, none of my other dentists ever did it."
What do you call a Comedian's morning routine?
Stand up.
My doctor recommended I quit my fitness routine.
Fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist
So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
Expecting Wife
Just as Dave was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."
At least two nights a week for twenty years Dave had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.
When Dave entered the living room he was suprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.
As the theif was about to leave Dave said, "You have to go and meet my wife."
The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"
Dave replied, "Well, she's been expecting you since 20 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.
Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!
What do you get when a white boy has a seizure in the middle of a dance routine?
An improvement.
George Carlin came back to life and his new stand up routine is incredible.
It's called The Seven Words the CDC Can't Say on TV.
Why do Nuns like to stick to their routine?
They don't need to change their Habits that way.
Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?
A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad peels banana...
When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad:
peels the first s**... of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second s**......
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out....
A lady goes to a gynecologist for a routine exam
She gets into the gown and positions herself into the stirrups. When the doctor comes in, he tells her that the exam may be painful and asked if she would like to be numbed. Afraid of the pain, she replies, please. The doctor says okay, this will just take a minute . The doctor puts on his gloves, lifts up her gown, begins to put his head between her legs and goes numb numb numb numb...
My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?
I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"
And now we wait.
(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)
New routine
Recently my mate started doing his morning workout on the 5:30 service from Norwich to London liverpool Street.
I asked him why.
He said, "no train, no gain".
A husband and his wife...
Were eating going through their morning routine, when the wife turns to her husband and says "You know, I've always liked beards... But then it grew on me..."
Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris is finished with his workout routine at the gym, the gym needs a break.
A guy's waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what's wrong.
Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.
The Doctor scoffs You must be joking! You seriously think you're a moth?
Yes the man cries I've been doing moth things, I'm having moth thoughts.. I'm pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it's starting to worry me!
The Doctor replies Well, you've come in to the wrong clinic, you should of went to the Psychiatrist across the street
When the man replies Well that's where I was going but your porch light was on!
My uncle told me this idk where he got it haha
So I was doing a stand-up bit in the terminal ward...
I don't remember the routine I did, but it must have been pretty good- the crowd was dying.
What is Saitama's morning exercise routine?
ONE CRUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A recent accident has left me wheelchair bound. I'm a burden to my family and my morning bathroom routine is t**......
I can't stand to look at myself.
Being healthy is all about getting into a routine, so today is chest and legs day.
- My order at KFC
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My stand-up routine about one-legged men trying to drink each other's warm v**... was never successful
Too many lame gags
What is the first thing a depressed person does when they wake up?
Their mourning routine. :-(
I like to work out by picking up all the trash in the neighborhood and throwing it away.
It's my favorite discardio routine.
John goes to the doctor for his routine annual physical, along with another person.
Doctor : have you stopped drinking?
John : Yes doc, i have stopped drinking. However if someone "really, really" insists, i do have a drink.
Doctor : it's fine. I am glad you made progress. Who is this person? A dear friend of yours?
John : he is the guy I have hired, to keep on "really really" insisting!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old people's home
Old Jimmy is sitting outside the old people's on the veranda on a large weave chair. Old Daisy comes up and sits right next to Jimmy and 10 minutes of silence she puts her hand down the front of his pants, grips the contents and keeps it there. After that Jimmy and Daisy become a couple. Every day the same routine out on the veranda.
A couple of months later a mutual friend Old Frank see Daisy on her own and she's crying. Frank says "Daisy, what's a matter? What has upset you so much?" She blubbed "Jimmy has left me for Matilda". Frank said sympathetically "But you're much younger and prettier than Matilda". Daisy said "They're both now on the veranda doing our thing, but she's got Parkinson's"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jazz hands
Worker one: why does j**... the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance
(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)
There once was a washing machine that loved washing stuff he found...
He would find ANYTHING on the ground, forcefully shove it inside him, clean it, and take it out. One day he found some money on the ground and did his usual routine before being apprehended by the FBI. He was arrested for Money Laundering.
My girlfriend told me that she has lost all her patients with my morning routine making her late to work. I told her that maybe...
she should be a better doctor
Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.
You could say I've broken out of monotony
A man is sitting at a bar...
Orders a shot, pulls a picture out of his shirt pocket, looks at it, takes a shot. Same routine repeats 6 more times. Bartender asks: "Hey buddy, next round is on the house, if you tell me what your routine is all about".
"Ok", says patron, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and I look at it before I drink. When she starts to look hot, I know it's time for me to go home"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just wanted to let you guys know
that my mom think's im smoking in the toilet and that i maybe an addict.
im furious she thinks i do such a sinful thing. i only go to the toilet because i had to complete my daily routine of m**... for the 4th time today.
A doctor walked into a bar...
Every day after his shift got over. He would always order the same thing. A hazelnut daquiri. The bartender became familiar with this routine, and would always put up a glass at precisely 5:03 PM for the doctor.
One day, as the doctor's time approached, the bartender realised he was out of hazelnut extract. So he quickly replaced it with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
As soon as the doctor took his seat and took a sip, "this isn't hazelnut" he said! The bartender immediately responded, "I'm sorry, but today you'll have to do with a hickory daquiri doc"
A man went to the doctor for a routine checkup
He was generally well, just thought it was a good idea to check in. The doctor, however, immediately reached for the covid swab.
"I'm going to test you for Covid19" the Doctor said.
"But I'm well, no complaints, why would you do that?" Replied the man.
"Well..." The doctor started, his gaze narrowing. "Loss of taste is a known symptom of the virus, and you're wearing Crocs."
