Route Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Route puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Route

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Two nuns are biking back to their convent

after a long day out nunning about in the community.

They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"

Where do routers go when you throw them away?

A LANfill.

Why was Hitler late for work?

He tried driving a new route to work, but instead of taking the second left, he took the third reich.

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

!!BAD DRIVERS!!

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"

I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.

Why was the Router released early from prison?

It had connections.

Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy?

So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.

When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.

Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"

Just as he finishes saying that a---

No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.

This one is really all about the delivery.

I'm acutely dyslexic and often forget my route home. AMA!

Sorry, wrong bus!

The mailman

A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.

He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"

The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"

The old woman and the highway

A cop is driving down the highway one night when he passes a rickety sedan going 25 mph (about 40 km/h). He pulls the car over and asks the driver, a sweet little old woman, "Ma'am, why weren't you doing the speed limit?"

The lady replies, "But, officer, that sign said '25' and I was only obeying it!"

"25 is the number of the route," the policeman explains patiently. "The speed limit is 70 (about 115km/h)."

At this point the officer looks around the car for other passengers and sees three other women, clutching their seats and shaking.

"Oh, I see!" replies the driver. "We just got off route 150."

The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him.

He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies::
"Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me 'Fuck'em, give'em a dollar!'."
The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"

The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"

Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

[NSFW] A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar...

... the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds: "Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."

 

The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"

 

The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

 

The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"

 

The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

What do you call a droid that always takes the longest route?

R2 Detour.

Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best sex of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".

What did the router say to the doctor?

It hurts when IP.

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"

It was the Milkman's last day...

It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

A postman is on his last day at work.

The people on his route all know and like him, and as he does his rounds on his last day people give him cards and little gifts.

When he gets to one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him in. She takes him to the table and serves him a beautiful breakfast. Afterwards, she invites him upstairs where she does her all to please him in bed. On his way out, she kisses him goodbye and slips him a dollar.

He says, "Thank you for the breakfast and the amazing sex, but what's this dollar for?"

She says, "When we found out you were retiring, I asked my husband what we should do. He said, 'fuck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.

The man, confused at this alert thinks to himself One car? There are hundreds of them!

My wife asked me why I drive all the way to Flagstaff to buy my cereal

I told her I get my Kix on Route 66.

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."

"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"

"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."

"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."

My grandfather cracked this joke...

I had gone to visit my grandfather, a well-travelled man, and was telling him about my trip: the towering buildings, ornate architecture, and warm beaches of the cities I'd visited en route to his home town. I told him how all the walking had made me develop a blister on the bottom of my foot, and that in spite of the blister, I'd kept walking and exploring. By the last day, I was literally hobbling along almost on one leg, and had to call it quits.

His reply?

"Well, I guess you could say, your heart was willing, but your sole was weak!"

A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.

Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?

Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.

Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.

At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.

Cop: Sir, is your wife alright?

Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87.

Joke is courtesy of my dad.

A cop sees a car going slowly down the highway...

The cop pulls the car over and sees an old lady at the wheel, and three passengers who look terrified.

"Ma'am, were you aware you were going 34 miles an hour in an 80 zone?"

"I saw it say 34 on the sign"

"Ma'am, that's the route number. Why does everyone in your car look so traumatized?"

One of the passengers says in a shaky voice "We just got off of route 137."

The Police and the Penguins

A State Police officer is driving on the highway, doing his usual route, when he spots a suspicious van up ahead. When he approaches it, he notices that the driver has twenty penguins in his van!

The officer pulls over the man, and asks, "where are you coming from with all those penguins?!"

The man responds, "from the zoo."

The officer says, "alright, take them back to the zoo right now!" The man, puzzled, drives the penguins back to the zoo, and the officer follows to make sure he brought them back.

The next day, the officer is doing his usual routine when he sees the same van again... full of penguins, and they're all wearing sunglasses!

He pulls over the man again, and asks, "okay, what's the big idea? I told you to take them back to the zoo yesterday!"

The man responds, "well, yeah. We went to the zoo yesterday, and today we're going to the beach."

Two nuns are bicycling to church one morning, as they always do.

They decide to take a different route this time and eventually end up on a cobblestone road. One nun says the other, I've never come this way before. The other nun responds, must be the cobbles.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was.

Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened...
Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.

And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer.

He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"

A joke my mom told me today

One day Donald Trumps assistant told him, he had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in Washington, where he (Trump) was celebrated. Millions lined the parade route and cheered when the president came by. Bands played, children threw confetti in the air, there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest festival Washington had ever seen. Trump was very pleased and said "that's really great, what did I look like in your dream? Was my hair okay?" His assistant said: "I can't say that, the coffin was closed"

After hearing repeated complaints from the schoolkids that the bus driver drove too fast and recklessly, the teachers decide to investigate.

The next morning two of the teachers sit in the bus the bus throughout its entire route, dropping off the kids to school and back. They found that the bus driver actually drove at a reasonable speed, perhaps a bit on the fast side but nothing complaint worthy.

As the last kid is dropped off home from school, she asks, "How come you drove slower today?"

"I lost my glasses," the bus driver replied. "I can't see a thing without them."

Idiots

A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the phone and dials her husband...

"Hello?"

"Honey I just saw on the news that some idiot is flying at 100 mph against the traffic. Please be careful!"

"One idiot?! There are thousands of them!!!!"

Did you hear about the kidnapping down the road?

His mother woke him up for lunch.



Source (Told to me 30 yrs ago by an old farmer on my paper route.)

Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?

Chimney Height * Strength of wind

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

Drugs may be that path to nowhere...

but at least it's the scenic route.

My friend, who's a mathematician ..

Years ago, my friend, who's a mathematician, moved out to the woods to become a musician. I thought it was weird that chose that route but people do what they do, right?

Anyway, i saw him at the grocery store today and asked him what he had been up to.

"Oh you know, just bustin out logarithims."

A penguin is driving along route 66

And notices his car is acting up. So he rolls over to the first garage he finds and asks the mechanic to fix it for him. The mechanic looks at the car and says it may take a few hours to find the problem to which the penguin agrees.

While waiting the penguin decides its very hot and he'd love a refreshment. He sees an ice cream stand a little further down the road and buys himself an ice cream. Now being a penguin with no hands he makes the biggest mess all over himself trying to eat it.

A while later he goes back the mechanic who immediately tells him that it looks like he blew a seal to which the penguin replies, nope its only ice cream.

two nuns at the vatican...

so these two nuns are riding a bicycle built for two on their daily trip around the vatican... so one day, sister mary decides to take a different route... sister katherine says "why, ive never come this way" to which sister mary relpies "it's the cobblestones"...

God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

Two Nuns

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through Rome on their way to the Vatican. This time, though, they are taking a different route instead of their usual route.

I've never come this way, one nun says to the other.

It's the cobblestones, says the other nun.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes