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Round Golf Jokes

76 round golf jokes and hilarious round golf puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about round golf that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Round Golf Short Jokes

Short round golf jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The round golf humour may include short golf ball jokes also.

  1. Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie.... It was a partridge on a par 3.
  2. I kept trying to give my caddy a tip after my last round of golf, but he refused. Apparently after watching me play, he only wanted money.
  3. Why is it important to play a round of golf on the morning of your wedding? That way the whole day isn't shot.
  4. Golf joke Golfer decides to have a drink after a solo round of golf and heads in to the clubhouse.
    Golfer [panting]: I'm spent. I just played 18 holes.
    Gay bartender: Amateur.
  5. As I was finishing a round of golf during a lightning storm, I was suddenly struck ...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!
  6. Whomever said having a baby is bad for your golf game... ...never realized getting out of the house for 5 hours to play a round is ultimate bliss.

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Round Golf One Liners

Which round golf one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with round golf? I can suggest the ones about golf putt and golf.

  1. Why does it take Helen Keller so long to play a round of golf? She reads every ball
  2. Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf? Minnie Driver
  3. My friend was mad when i beat him at a round of golf. I had told him i was subpar.
  4. Chuck Norris just completed a full round of Golf... In 17 shots.
  5. Did you hear about Arnold Palmers last round of golf? He got 6 under

Uplifting Round Golf Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about round golf you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golf putting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make round golf pranks.

The was a man named George who got a new job.


His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win.
What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

A young man paired up with an older gentleman at the local golf course...

Over the course of the round the older gentleman and younger gentleman traded stories of past rounds, good shots and poor shots, and overall had a grand old time. While the Old man prepared his drive on the 14th tee box, he witnessed a f**... procession going past the golf course. Very quietly he stopped, hung his head and said a quiet prayer. The Young Man stood astonished at what he witnessed and asked the Old Man "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed, may I ask why you did what you did?"
To which the Old Man responded, "Well we were married for 40 years"

Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

Golf lessons

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee"
"where?" he asks.
"between the first and second hole," she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."

Taking his son golfing

Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy.
When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard.
"Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"
"OK Daddy!" His son replied.
So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith. Every other shot, it seemed, went into the rough, a sand trap or somewhere other than where he wanted. After a long, hot arduous round, he was ready to hit the 19th hole...but first he had to get the score.
"Ok Timmy, what do you have my score at for today?"
His son pulled out the scorecard and counted up the total and said "I have you with a 72 dad."
"72? That's amazing! That's like 50 strokes lower than my average. Are you sure you wrote down the number I said for every hole?"
"Yeah, you yelled Fore! on every hole."
(For those who don't know about golf, "Fore" is a yell you give when your ball is going in the direction of other golfers)

A group of friends went golfing one day...

-and after the round one of the men was very distraught after hitting a 107.
-He was so angry that he didn't even want to go to the bar afterwards to have a drink with his friends.
-So he decided to just drive home and take a load off.
-When he walked in the door his wife asked him how his round of golf went.
-He then punched her right in the face and said "I'm hitting everything fat today."

Two old men playing golf

Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a f**... procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his ball, removes his cap, and bows his head in silence as the procession passes by.
The other old man is amazed at his friend's reverence for the deceased. "That was truly one of the most touching and thoughtful acts I've ever seen from you." he says.
"Well I figure it's the least I could do. After all, we *were* married for 42 years"

A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"

Three men playing golf

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.
All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.
Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"

A guy goes to his local golf course...

The club pro asks him if he wants to try out one of their experimental new robot caddies...on the house.
"Sure, why not?" the man says.
He returns after playing 18 holes and raves to the club pro about the caddy. The robot gave him swing tips throughout the round and always chose the perfect club for each shot. It was the best round of his life!
He returns the next weekend and excitedly requests a robot caddy from the club pro.
"Unfortunately, we had to dispose of all seven of our robot caddies recently", said the club pro.
"What!?, why!?" exclaimed the man.
"Well, the chrome plating of the robots was very shiny and, on sunny days, it was distracting some of our older members", said the club pro.
"That's simple! Why didn't you just paint them black??" Screamed the man.
"We tried that", the club pro said. "Six of them didn't show up for work the next day and the seventh robbed the pro shop!"

Deadly eight iron.

Two buddies were playing a round of golf and off the seventh tee Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

A woman returned home from a round of golf.

Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"

A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..

On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.
5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

A golfer makes a hole in one.

A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole in one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says.
" I am the hole in one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest lover in the world."
They guy thinks it over and says: " I think I want to shoot par."

The fairy says: " you must have a pretty good s**... life, how often do you have s**...?"
The guy says: " Maybe once every two weeks."
The fairy says: "Is that all?"
The guy replies: " For a priest in a small town, that's pretty good."

An Englishman went on a business trip to Japan...

When he got there, he stayed in a nice hotel and decided to call a prostitution service. Not knowing a single word of Japanese, it was he struggled with the ordering process.
When the girl finally arrived, they stripped down and get down to business... They were having a blast and the girl kept screaming **"Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana..!!"** Deciding that it was a sign that the girl was pleasantly satisfied, he thought nothing of it and continued all night long.
The next morning, the Englishman went and have a round of golf with his Japanese business partner. His business partner swung first.... **BAM!** **Hole in one!**
"Nice shot my friend, machigatta ana..." said the Englishman
Looking puzzled, his business partner replied
"That shot was perfect... but what do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

The most cruel punishment

A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say "Ok.''
The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says "I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, "Who's he going to tell?''

The Forgetful Golfer

A man was playing a full round of golf and forgot his score card in the middle of his game. Since he did not know what hole he was on, he asked a female golfer who was teeing off what hole she was starting. "This is the 14th hole." The man then knew that he had finished the 13th and continued his game. After he had finished, he saw the same female golfer in the clubhouse and bought her a drink as a thank you. The two started a conversation and he asked her what she did as a job. She blushed, then replied. "You have to promise not to laugh, but I sell feminine hygiene products." The man is laughing hysterically and the woman is embarrassed. "Hey! I told you not to laugh!" she said angrily. He stopped laughing and said "No, no. I'm not laughing at your job. You see I sell toilet wipes and such so I'm the hole behind you!"

So an old buddy of mine went to prison...

He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'

A woman gets a golf lesson.

A woman goes to her local golf course and gets a lesson from the course pro. After the lesson she decides to play a round to reinforce what she learned. But after only 20 minutes the golf pro sees her back at clubhouse. "What happened" asks the pro. She replies "I was stung by a bee while playing and didn't feel like continuing". "Oh no, where at" replies the golf pro. She says "between the first and second hole".
"Oh, I see" says the pro, "your stance is too wide".

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

Three guys and a woman are playing golf...

The woman is having the round of her life as she steps onto the 18th green after hitting a beautiful shot 10 feet from the pin. If she makes this putt, she will beat the course record that has been around for over 50 years.
So she says the guys, "If one of you help me make this putt, I will give you a b**...."
This lady is drop dead gorgeous so they are all excited.
The first guy steps up and says, "Okay you want to give it a soft touch, it's downhill and to the right."
The second guy pushes him out the way and says, "No No! Give it a firm tap, it's flat and slightly left."
The third guy is standing there not doing anything so the lady asks, "Don't you have any advice for me?"
He looks over at her and says, "I say it's a gimme."

An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf

There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"

Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !

Engineering teacher gave us this one.

So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow f**.... They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead.
He explains that the group ahead is made up of four firefighters that, when putting out a fire in the clubhouse a few months earlier, had been blinded by an e**..., and to repay them they are allowed to golf whenever they want.
After hearing the sad news about the four firefighters, the priest immediately says "I will certainly pray for these brave men to regain their sight."
The doctor replies, "And I will talk with my colleagues regarding any cures for injuries like this."
The Engineer asks "Why don't they just play at night?"

American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him further.
Despite her willingness, she still wants everything done with the lights off. As he is going at it, she is crying out "Oshimigaso, Oshimigaso", over and over.
When it is all said and done, he asks her, "What does Oshimigaso mean?"
"Oh," she says blushing, "it means 'fantastic' or 'incredible'."
The next morning, the businessman joins his Japanese hosts for a round of golf. Naturally.
On the fifth hole, the CEO of the Japanese company hits a hole-in-one.
Aiming to impress, the American cries out, "Oshimigaso, OSHIMIGASO!!".
The Japanese CEO replies, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours."
The engineer says "Couldn't these guys play at night?"

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"

Man goes on a work trip to Japan.

A man travels to Japan for work. After a few weeks he gets lonely and hires a p**.... They get down to business, but right away she starts yelling "machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
Not speaking a word of Japanese he thinks she must be really enjoying it. He finishes up and she collects her things quickly, grabs the money scowling all the time and slams the door on the way out.
The next day his boss takes him out for a round of golf. On the third hole he tee's up, takes a swing and it flies true and lands a whole in one! He's so excited and wants to show off the Japanese he learned. "Machigatta ana" he screams!
He boss looks confused... "No, you got it in the right hole... "

A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.

The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'
'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'Its only 2 minutes then'
Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/h**... one that does the rounds.

An American man travels to Japan on business...

...and on his first night he visits a bar in Tokyo to experience the local nightlife. He meets an enchanting woman, and after several rounds of drinks and flirting, she accompanies him back to his hotel. They commence copulation, and in the throws of passion, the woman screams out "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" The man, pleased with himself for appeasing his lover's desires, finishes and rolls over to sleep.
The next morning, he meets a prospective business associate for golf. On the first hole, his golf partner completes the round under par. In an attempt to impress him, he shouts "Machigatta ana!" His associate replies "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

A blonde goes golfing with her father

She is feeling good about her game recently, so she challenges her father: "If you beat me, I'll buy you dinner and drinks. If I beat you, you give me $20 to go shopping. The father agrees.
After the round, the father adds up the scores. "Ha! I beat you by 3 strokes. Let me think about what restaurant I want," he says triumphantly. The blonde grabs the scorecard to try adding it herself. Not wanting to make a mistake, she pulls out her phone and calculates it carefully.
After 10 minutes, the father is starting to get impatient. Finally the blonde looks up. "Well, did you finish adding it up?"
"Yup," she replied. "Nice try, Daddy, but I got the higher score!"

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.
"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"
Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"
The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad s**......"

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf.

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the green keeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf.....

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"

Two guys are playing a round of golf

They're on the green of one hole just over a hill when they hear a crack from the fairway behind them. A ball sails over the ridge and lands near the two golfers. One says to the other,
Hey I've got an idea. Let's put the ball in the hole and give the guy a hole in one.
So they take the ball and put it in the hole. Minutes later a guy comes running over the ridge and asks if the guys had seen where his ball went.
o**... replies,
Yes it came right over the ridge, bounced once, and went right in the hole!
Great! the guy says, That gives me a 9!

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened besides, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That's your problem right there. You have your feet too far apart.

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, This man, he announced, called in sick yesterday! There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. Wow, he said. Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick."

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"
Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"
Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch"
Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken"
Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"
Stevie says "any night this week"

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.
Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mismatch!"
Stevie laughs, "Ok, well, tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken!?"
Angrily, Tiger mutters, "Ok, done! When do you want to play!?"
Stevie responds, "Any night this week."

Golf is a dangerous sport

My wife returned home from a round of golf and said she'd been injured. She told me she'd be hit between the first and second holes.
To which I replied: That doesn't leave much room for a bandaid!

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a f**... procession passing by the course.
The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.
After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."
Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."

A young guy gets paired with an elderly man for a round of golf.

The old man lines up to putt on the fourth green, when they notice a f**... procession passing by the course.
The old man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and returns to the putt.
After the hole, the young guy says, I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased .
Old guy says, Well, we were married 42 years... least I could do.

Two Scottish men go golfing on a Saturday morning...

As they are in the middle of their round, a f**... procession passes in full view of the two golfers. One of them stops everything, pulls his hat off, and holds it over his heart as he watches. He stands there, not touching his clubs until the very last car passes the course.
"Wow," says his friend. "That's the most touching thing I've ever seen."
"Well," says the first. "We *were* married for 40 years."

(Told to me by a Scottish golfer.)

An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a h**... come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in s**..., the h**... kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the h**... was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
The next day, he and three of the managers were playing golf. In the middle of the round, one of the Japanese men shot a hole in one. The American shouted, "Sung wa!"
The Japanese man turned and said, "Wrong hole? What you mean 'wrong hole'?"

An Exclusive Golf Course

This golf nut had waited his whole life to play on a very exclusive golf course, and he finally got his chance. He was paired with another guy he didn't know who had also lucked into a round there.
At one point, a f**... procession came down the street. The first man stopped, while he was putting for a birdie, took off his golf hat, and held it over his heart until all the cars had gone by.
The second man was impressed, "That was very nice of you."
The first man lined up his putt, shrugged, and said, "It was the least I could do. We were married for 41 years."

A couple decided to get married after only dating for a few weeks

As they came to the bedroom to consummate the marriage, the husband looked into his wife's eyes:
 
Honey, I haven't been completely honest. I am a golf addict. I think about golf all the time, I dream of golf and every chance I get I'm going to go and have a round.
 
OK said the wife. As long as we're being honest, I have something to tell you too.
 
Go on said the husband tentatively
 
I'm a h**... .
 
That's OK said the husband. You've just got to make sure you keep your left arm straight and your head down longer.

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

Two men are playing a round of golf.

The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a f**... cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.
'Wow' says his friend, 'That was very respectful.'
'I suppose so' says the first man, 'Mind you, I was married to her for 40 years.'

A woman was playing a round of golf

A woman was playing a round of golf when a bee stung her.
Fearing an allergic reaction she ran to the clubhouse and told the pro that she had been stung.
He asked where and she said between the first and second holes.
He replied "your stance is too wide".

A woman enrolls up for golf

A bee stings her in the very first round of golf. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
A golf pro, who's out early for practice, enquires:
"You're back early. What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee!"
"Where?"
"Between the first and second hole."
He nods: "Your stance is far too wide!"

Golf

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. The caddy looks back at him and says, I don't think you could keep your head down that long.

Locked keys in car…

On finishing up their round of golf O'Reily and O'Connor returned back to their car only to discover the doors were locked and the keys were in the ignition.
After quite a few minutes of messing with the door handles and thinking up the best way to gain entry to the vehicle, it all of a sudden began to cloud over.
p**... says O'Connor' look at those black clouds coming in over there. You'd better put the roof up or the seats are going to get soaked .