rough Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious rough puns

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly thankful to the man says Thank you so so much, you've saved my dogs life, are you a vet?? to which the German man replies VET??? I'M FUCKING SOAKING

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"

The man replies "about $.50".

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I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...

Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out!
It just goes from Bad to Worse

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When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.

Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

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So I was having really rough sex with my girlfriend the other day and she started bleeding...

And I told her that she'd better get used to it, because in a couple of years she's going to be bleeding every month.

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Obama looks rough after the last 8 years in office.

Still better than JFK after 2.

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My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

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I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

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I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

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Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

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Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'

'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'

'Amuse me', the father said.

'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

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Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

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My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did you get it?"

"Found it"

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Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

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The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?


Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.


Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?


Number 7: 49

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What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour?

A sore bae.

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I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

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Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.

Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.

Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.

The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"

"No, I'm not," says the man.

"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"

"I'm tonight's DD."

"Designated Driver?"

"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

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My dog can speak English.

My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

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A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

"One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$79,237.64."

His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

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An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old priest. The young priest turns to him, horrified.

"Sir, you shouldn't swear like this... Remember, God said unto Moses *Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy God in vain.*"

The old priest mumbles a half-hearted excuse and shuffles off to find his ball. He positions himself, checks his grip on the club, and strikes. The ball heads straight toward the hole... then gets blown off course again.

"That GODDAMN wind!" yells the old priest.

The young priest grows pale. "Sir," he pleads, "you really shouldn't swear like this." But the old priest is already walking toward the brush where his ball landed.

He reaches it, and strikes it a third time. The ball gets blown off course yet again and lands right in the middle of a pond.

"THAT GODDAMN WIND!!" screams the priest, throwing his club away in a fit.

"Sir," the young priest begins, but then there is a mighty flash in the heavens, and the young priest is struck dead by lightning.

The old priest falls to his knees. "God," he asks, "why did you smite this poor young man instead of me?"

A booming voice echoes through the sky : "That goddamn wind..."

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Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.

His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.

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Wonder Woman

Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.

Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.

Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."

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I've been having a rough time lately wth my life, and my best friend suggested I try some insoluble fiber.

He said it really helped him keep his shit together.

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"My relationship with golf is starting to suffer"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah.. We're going through a rough patch"

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A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire

was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.

After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

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Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly

Flabbergasted the Mother pressed "And what then?"

"Well, then I would hike up my habit above my knees." replied the nun, still calm.

Aghast at this the Mother could not but ask "And what then?"

"Well, I would start running. I can run a lot faster with my habit hiked up than the man whose trousers are at his ankles."

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A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

This dog can speak English, he claims to the unimpressed agent. Okay, Sport, the guys says to the dog, what's on the top of a house?

Roof! the dog replies.

Oh, come on… the talent agent responds. All dogs go 'roof'.

No, wait, the guy says. He asks the dog, What does sandpaper feel like?

Rough! the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. No, hang on, the guy says. This one will amaze you. He turns and asks the dog, Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Ruth! goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

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Mushrooms

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender asks "What'll it be?"

Man says "Whiskey... leave the bottle."

"You got it, everything alright?"

"I just became a widower for the 3rd time"

"Oh god, pal! I'm so sorry! You seem so young, can I ask what happened?"

"My 1st wife accidentally ate some poisonous mushrooms"

"Damn! That's rough! Sorry, bud. What about the 2nd?"

"She somehow ate from the same bad batch of mushrooms."

"Holy shit! I can't believe that! You must feel miserable! What about the most recent wife?"

"Well, she was different, her head was suddenly bashed in with a shovel."

"What the fuck? How the hell did that happen??"

"Bitch didn't like mushrooms"

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A man comes home from work...

and it's clear he's had a rough day. His wife says, Honey, you look terrible, what's wrong? The man says, Well, let's just say that I have a big problem. The wife says, No, WE have a problem. What do you mean? says the husband. The wife replies, You and I are a team, we're in this together. So, if YOU have a problem, WE have a problem. Now tell me what's bothering you. The man pauses for a moment and replies, Well, ok then, here goes...OUR secretary is pregnant and WE'RE responsible.

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A new nurse is being given the tour of his new workplace.

He and a fellow nurse walk the hallways of the hospital. Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse mounted on top of a patient having rough passionate sex.

"What on earth is this nurse doing?!" He asked.
The other nurse casually replies "this man has a very rare condition. If he doesn't ejaculate 6 or more times a day, his balls fill up with pressure and literally explode."

The new nurse, stunned, but content with the answer continues on with his tour of the hospital. A few doors down he sees a man bored and sighing, masturbating to a hardcore porn.

"And this man? " the new nurse asked.

The other nurse response "Oh, this man? He has the same condition as the patient with the exploding balls a few doors down. But that patient has better insurance."

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A duck enters a bar...

The bartender says "what'll ya have?"

"Scotch. Put it on my bill", it replies

"Sure thing", the bartender says, "so how's your day been going?"

"Pretty good" says the duck, "I've been in and out of puddles all day"

A second duck enters and orders a beer

Bartender asks "hey there! How are you mr duck?"

"Great!" he says, "I've been in and out of puddles all day!!"

Third duck enters the bar

"I'll have 3 shots of vodka."

"Wow," says the bartender, "that's a lot for a duck like you. Having a rough one?"

"Yeah," says the third duck, "my name is Puddles"

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Three mice are sitting at a bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

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No name TP

An Indian goes to the trading post in search of toilette paper. He notices that there are 3 kinds. 'Deluxe' brand @ $1, 'Economy' brand @ 50 cents and a no name brand for only 15 cents. He buys the no name brand. The next day he comes back to the trading post and declares the he has a name for the no name brand toilette paper. John Wayne

Why would we name it 'John Wayne'? asks the clerk?

Because it's rough!, It's tough!, and it don't take NO SHIT off no Indian

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What are the most funny Rough jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Rough? Well, here are the best Rough dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Rough pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes