rotten Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious rotten stories

What are the best Rotten puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Rotten? Well here is a complete list of Rotten to have fun with:

Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinner."

The man replies "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

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I used to be a necrophiliac...

til the rotten cunt split on me

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I used to be a necrophile...

But then some rotten cunt split on me.

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Two necrophiliacs are having lunch together.

One asks the other "so how's your love life?"
His friend replies "not so good, that rotten cunt split on me"

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What do you call 144 rotten eggs?

Gross.

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A necrophiliac was having trouble with his girlfriend.

That rotten cunt split on him.

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The teacher was quizzing the bible students...

and she asked "Who parted the Red Sea?"
Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim "Holy Moses!"
The teacher said "Very good, Suzy!"
Then the teacher asked "Who turned water into wine?"
Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers "Jesus Christ!"
The teacher can't contain herself, and asks Suzy "What did King Davids wife say to him as they retired for the night?"
Johnny pokes Suzy yet again, bringing forth the exclaimation "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm gonna break it off!"

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Freudian Slip...

I got divorced over a Freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt" but I said, "You rotten bitch, you ruined my life."

(I think that's a Jackie Mason joke)

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Stand up comedy is a lot of hit and miss.

That's why the back wall of the stage sometimes ends up covered in rotten tomatoes.

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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Rotten eggs

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I used to be a necropheliac... [NSFW]

...but then some rotten asshole split on me.

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Johnny rotten at school.

Johnny rotten is at school. the teacher is going through the alphabet. she asks the class if they can name a word starting with A, instantly johnny's hand goes up. she doesnt call on him knowing he will most likley say asshole. then the same thing with B thinking he will say bitch. C, D, until she gets to R, again johnny's hand flys up. she cant think of anything offensive he might say so she calls on him. RAT, r, a, t, *Very good johnny* YEAH A RAT WITH BIG FUCKIN BALLS!

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What do you call someone who believes rotten eggs smell bad, but doesn't care?

An eggsy-stench-alist.

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What did God say after creating Africa?

Last one out is a rotten egg!

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You wanna know how I got my name?

When I played the borscht circuit years ago, I used my real name Enola.

And I was so rotten that the audience would shout:

"Enola, gai avek!" (meaning "go away", in Yiddish)

So after Hiroshima, I changed my name to Enola Gay Avek, so when the audience would shout "Enola, gai avek", I could say, "yes- that's me - Enola Gay Avek!

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I suffer bloating for years until I found this one secret supplement!

"rotten eggs"

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Gandhi facts:

As you know, Gandhi was a deeply spiritual man and a visionary.

What you may NOT know is that, though very strong of will and mind, he was very weak of body and prone to injury. Futher, he was not a fan of the toothbrush and his breath smelled like week old rotten curry. Also, Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere he went, so his feet were hard as leather.

It can be concluded that Gandhi was a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.

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There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat.

He comes back about a half an hour later and says "Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't have eaten that rotten frozen dead cat." And proceeds to puke and the ground.

The other guy starts licking his lips and says "That's what I'm talking about, a hot meal!"

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Dragging a dead frog

A thirteen year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog along behind him by a piece of string. He approaches the head mistress and says, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." She looks at him bewildered and begins to say that he's a bit too young for this when he pulls a huge wad of cash from his pocket and repeats himself, "I want the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch you have here." Convinced, the head mistress takes him to a back room and accommodates his request. After he and the prostitute finish and she takes the money, she asks, "If you don't mind me asking, I'm the dirtiest, nastiest, most rotten bitch they have here... what did you want with me?" The boy looked up at her while tying his shoes and said, "I just gave you all the savings I have in the world. The way I figure it, you've probably got herpes, hepatitis, who knows, maybe even AIDS. I don't know. What I do know is that tomorrow after school the babysitter is going to molest me. She always does. Later on, when my dad drives her home, he's going to fuck the babysitter in his car. He always does. Then my dad's going to get drunk and fuck my mom. But then, sooner or later, the mailman is going to pay my mom a visit... and that's the motherfucker who ran over my frog!

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"I like my women like i like my eggs...."

Whites only.

(or millions of other one-word punchlines, depending on how dark you want to go.)

"Fertilized"
"Beat"
"Rotten"
"xtra-large"

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A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table.
Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The croupier replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!

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My one night stand had a rotten smell, so I chopped it up to use as fuel for a fire

She smelled even worse when lit on fire

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An old woman goes to a gyno*NSFW*

Well an old woman goes to the doctor. She says that her womanly area itches. The doctor takes a quick peek and says "oh its nothing, just a case of the clap a few pills will cure the problem". To which she replies "how is that possible? I have never even touched a penis". The doctor takes a second look and says "sorry miss but you're cherry is rotten".

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I used to be a necrophiliac...

until a rotten cunt split on me.

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Christmas in Latvia

Is Christmas man have present! He open, find rotten potato. Wife die of malnutrition night that.

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What do you call a schoolbus full of black people?

A rotten banana

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Honeymoon hunting trip

Olga and Sven got married. To save money they went to a lodge that just happened to have hunters that same weekend.
There they were, riding along Olga, Sven, and the hunters, when the bus got a flat. Sven whispers to Olga: "You want to start the honeymoon now?"
Olga says:"We better wait till we get to the hotel."
A few miles go by and the bus gets another flat. Sven turns to Olga:" You want to start the honeymoon now?"
Olga says: "We better wait till we get to the hotel."
The bus must have had rotten tires because the third blowout happened not long after. Olga turned to Sven saying:" I think we should start the honeymoon now!"
Sven is surprised and asks:" Why now? I thought you wanted to wait till the hotel?"
Olga replies:" I just heard the hunters say that if there's one more holdup, the fucking season is going to be over!"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best rotten jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty rotten gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these rotten jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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