Roommate Jokes

Following is our collection of teammate humor and apartment one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Roommate puns for adults, dirty interact jokes or clean stalker gags for kids.

There is an abundance of gyn jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes on roommate. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any coworker witze you can hear about roommate.

The Best jokes about Roommate

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room

Im indiana Jones, Get out

I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.


My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.

Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.

When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils

But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.


My roommate just called my clothes gay..

Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold

They just left him hangin'

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

Caught my Vegan roommate...

Caught my Vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

I have my own private jet.

The rest of the jaccuzi belongs to my roommate.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.


My roommate thinks i'm crazy

Jokes on him i don't have a roommate.

My roommate seems to think that our house is haunted

I've been living here for the past 200 years and haven't noticed anything.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."

"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."

"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up..."

"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,

We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left.

The mom replies:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

My roommate is really dedicated to dental hygiene

just last night I heard her using an electric toothbrush for what seemed like an hour

My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year!

I'm hoping for an iPad!

Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

I had a roommate, but he was ran over by a bus...

Now I have a flatmate.

I really want to kill my roommate

but I just dont know if I could live with myself.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.....


During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled That's the last straw!

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me

He would have an extra $50.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

A pedophile stopped by my apartment today

According to my Catholic roommate, the proper term is "priest."

My former roommate was overweight so he asked me for a diet idea. I told him to stop eating after 8 PM.

He had dinner at 7 PM that day, and died of starvation a few days later.

Two roommates were arguing...

About who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started getting heated.

My roommate recently started having much louder sex with his girlfriend. "What changed?" I asked.

"We've updated our privacy policy."

My roommate thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is weird because I live alone.

My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...

This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts in the tub. The salt made the bath water into a stronger conductor of electricity, so when she got in, she was electrocuted and died.

When the authorities found her body, they deduced that the cause of death was a salt and battery.

My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska.

He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

I caught my roommate masturbating.

He look at me and says: Shut the door.
I said: Get Inside the house.

Clever mother

A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a serving spoon is missing
A few days later she gets a call from her son
"I'm not saying you did take the silver spoon, but the fact remains, it's been missing since you were here"
His clever mother replied
"I'm not saying you and your "roommate" are dating, but the fact remains, if he was sleeping in the second bedroom, he'd have found the spoon by now."

My roommate is spreading rumours that I have multiple personality disorder.

Well, three can play that game!

I walked in on my roommate jerking it

He got mad and told me to put it away

Why do you torture yourself like that?

This isn't quite a joke, but a funny situation that just happened to me.

I walked into the living room to see that my roommate was playing a really old and crappy looking video game that looked like it could be Atari.

So I asked him "Why are you torturing yourself like that, playing these horrible Atari games? You have a Playstation right there!"

To which he replied "Sadomasochism." I shrugged and said "Fair enough."

There was a moment of silence, so he said it louder. "*Sadomasochism*."

I looked at him really weird, said "Whatever" and turned to leave the room, so he said it again -

"Not Atari, Sadomasochism."

It turns out he was saying "Sega Master System" the whole time.

My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.

And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.

Roommates

Roommate 1: "You think I'm nosy, don't you?!"
Roommate 2: "No, not at all!"
Roommate 1: "Then why'd you write that in your diary?!"

My roommate hates when I steal his untensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

I asked my attractive roommate whether she wanted to be friends with benefits, and she agreed!

This morning, I co-signed her car insurance.

I caught my roommate trying to hide his glasses in the fridge today..

He said he was trying to look cool.

While going to sleep, my roommate always says that there is a hideous monster under his bed.

We have a bunk bed.

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:

'Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob'

Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:

'Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama'

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes