room Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious room puns

A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

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Three porn stars were getting drunk

And they started bragging to each other about their exploits


Porn star 1 said: Girls, I'm easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.


Porn star 2 then said: Pshhh! You're a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.


Porn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didn't even blink. She just said girls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasn't long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.

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A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."

"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."

"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


"Needs ironing"...

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A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!

Everything is bigger in Texas, says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!

The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!

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Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

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A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

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Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

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My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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10 year old boy walks on his parent's room while they were having sex

Parents stop and looked, laugh a lot and then carry on
boy leaves the room in disgust.
2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast,
boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!

EDIT- My English is not that good yet btw anyone cares to PM me the joke with proper punctutation and proper english

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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, Mother, what is this?

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, I have not idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, Go get your father.

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I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

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Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.

Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.

Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.

"Miss, are you sick?"

"No, but the last guy was."

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I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

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An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:




"Isn't that Odd?"

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A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

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I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The Englishman replies, "I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance."

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can't can't get an erection no matter what. He's depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, one, two, three- uuump! all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, how was your night?

It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get it up no matter how hard it tried.

The second award shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the fucking bed.

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Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

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I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself "we have to cut the electricity off!" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams "we need more data!!" And he sets the curtains on fire.

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Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

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A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

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How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

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A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

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[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

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The 3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

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A supervisor is being given a tour of a hospital by a doctor

The supervisor and doctor come across a patient in a room that is feverishly masturbating.

"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded.

"This man has a very rare disease," the doctor explained. "If he does not ejaculate every hour, his testicles will fill with semen and burst."

The supervisor accepted the explanation and they continued the tour coming to a room where a nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded and the doctor says,

"Same disease, better health plan."

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A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

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LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

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Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said,
What the fuck are you doing
with your life?

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"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

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A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

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Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

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My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

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a man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

at 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket."

after a moment of silence, he farted.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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I was in the living room with my dad

I was in the living room with my dad when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"You're lying."

"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"What's the point of fucking one?"

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A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

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An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

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What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means it's good.

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Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.

She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''

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My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

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How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

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I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

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A black guy and a white girl are at a party

A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

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A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

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A man walks into a bar with a gun..

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.


A voice from the back of the room called out, You need more ammo!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I gave my friend an elephant for his room.

He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

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A kid had sex with his teacher

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?"
The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher."
The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home.
Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."
Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?"
The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!"

And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. (nsfw)

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?

Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off to."

The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.

Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!"
Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"

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Dad joke

A dad goes to see his daughter in her room but the door is shut. He opens it, and finds his daughter and some guy he's never met having sex.

The daughter looks up, distraught and embarrassed.
"I.. I can explain! I'm sorry!"

"Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."

He looks at the guy.

"Are you fucking Sorry?"

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Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said,Β "How do you know?" The first patient said,Β "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

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Two introverts walk into a room...

One leaves

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A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

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Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

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Retired General meets a younger woman at a party...

and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

[Military Time joke]

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A woman was in a coma,


and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

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[NSFW] The Penguin

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.

"What can I get for 5 bucks?

"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."

Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.

The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

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A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.

He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"

He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.

He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"

He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.

He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell."

After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."

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I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

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British Royalty!

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

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A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just shoot the room for being black

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Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "


"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible.

"Rover!" Yells the father.

Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let's another rip, this time a bit louder.

"ROVER!" Yells the father again.

Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let's out a nasty, wet, stinker.

"ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! "

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Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic.

Jokes on him.
I don't have a roommate.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.

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Hung Like a Baby

I got married last week my fiancΓ©e and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiancΓ©e came up to me and said

" I have to admit something.... My boobs are not really this big, I have been stuffing my bra the whole time!"
I responded "it is Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!" "I have something to admit as well.... I am hung like a baby!"

she also said "it is OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!"

So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her "your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!"

I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said "I thought you were hung like a baby"

"I am 7 pounds 6 ounces 19 and a half inches"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar...

But they only gave me 3 quarters.

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A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room!

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, Congratulations! You're the father of twins.

That's odd, answers the man. I work for the Minnesota Twins!

A nurse says to the second guy, Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!

That's weird, answers the second man. I work for the 3M company!

A nurse tells the third man, Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!

That's strange, he answers. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. What's wrong? the others ask.

I work for 7 Up!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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Fred and Mary got married

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, tell me what you think?'

He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
__________________

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room

Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?"
Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."

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Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A prostitute then comes in and starts to give him a fantastic blowjob. He's just about to blow his load when the prostitute gets up and leaves. The man waddles after her with his pants around his ankles. "Hey!" he shouts. "What the fuck is a penguin"?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said, "Thank you"

I said, "Don't mention it"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing."

That night, he's sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he's about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, "What's for dinner?"

She doesn't respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She still doesn't respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She still doesn't say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She says, "For the fourth damn time we're having chicken!"

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If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices

is it irrelephant?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked.

I said, "It's a woman masturbating."

"Why is this on your computer screen?"

"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.

A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."

the doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

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The Jewish way

As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.

A Jewish man walks into a whorehouse. The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have sex "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having sex the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a prostitute who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have sex the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have sex the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".

The man accepts the offer, and they have sex. She's surprised to find that it's just regular sex! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had sex with me, the most expensive hooker in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy says "no"

"Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I'll share my whiskey with you."

Slightly offended the boy gets his cookies and begins to walk out of the room but his grandpa stops him.

"Hey kid, wanna give your old gramps one of those cookies?" he asks.

The boy turns to his grandpa and says "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Grandpa grows a big wide grin "I sure can!" he says.

"Good," says the boy "then Go fuck yourself. These are MY fucking cookies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Truth or Dare


My daughter invited some friends round at the weekend. After a few drinks, they got a game of Truth or Dare going. I listened from the other room, being the nosey little fucker I am.

The bottle landed on my daughter and she said, "Truth."

"Ok," asked her friend. "When did you last have an orgasm?"

She said, "Three days ago."

Then I burst in the room and said, "I knew you were faking it last night!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Penis prank at school

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class .

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets ! "

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Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a brothel...

So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had.

A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

Β 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.Β  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.Β  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

Β 

"What?" said her Grandpa.

Β 

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

Β 

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . .
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free . . . I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says;
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A prospector struck it rich...

so he came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The prospector handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two botles of beer.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

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A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room..

..Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : You asshole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening.

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The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."

The little girl smiles and goes on her way.

A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"

The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".

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A man in in a supermarket in Florida tries to buy half s head of lettuce...

Β but the very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Β Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."Β As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."Β The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Β Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"Β "Canada, sir," the boy replied.Β "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.Β The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."Β "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."Β "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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10 pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "


The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman.


The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.


Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.


The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ".


The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ".

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Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

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The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:

"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

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Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"Β 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.Β 

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."Β 

The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."Β 

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.Β 

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.Β 

The third nun said, "Oh shit."Β 

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Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter .

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!

So the boy added immediately, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!! .

After the customer left, the manager said You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?

To this the boy said, I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!

The manager replied coldly, My wife is also from Brazil .

To this the boy asked excitedly, Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?

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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute....

The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of prostitute". The two proceed to look up the definition to find that it is 'someone who has sex for money'. The Koala then flips a few pages back to the definition of koala, then walks out of the room. Confused, the protitute looks down at the page. The dictionary says 'Koala: An animal who eats bushes and leaves'

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A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland

and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll bet 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. 'Is your bet still good?' asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer as the Texan watches in amazement.

The texan gives the Irishman his money and says, 'If you don't mind me askin', where did you go for the past 30
minutes?'. The Irishman replies, 'Oh.... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

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( !Dark Humour!) A guy walks in the local whorehouse...

...
says I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money. The guy behind the counter says
How bout the $1.95 cent special?
The customer says ok , and he paid,
headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, omg she's sick!
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening,
and the guy says
hey John!
The dead one's full again!

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I did an essay on The Room.

For school, I had to write an essay based on a film, so I decided to do it on "The Room". I think I did well, because I got a hi mark.

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tiny pianist

An oldie, but goodie:

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."

The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head.

The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"

And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

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Virgin wife

A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I know that my girl is a virgin ?"

Friend tells him, "You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what is it. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."

So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What is this?"

"That's a penis!" she replies.

"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."

"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"Β 

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I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.

The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".

I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.

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A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

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I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

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A woman is cleaning her 12-year old son's room...

...when she finds several BDSM porn magazines stashed under his bed. Concerned, she takes her find to her husband and asks "What do we do about this?"

"Well," says the dad "We obviously can't spank him."

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A woman thinks her husband is going deaf.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do. He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her. So, one day, while he's watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to th farthest room, the family room, and calls out, "honey, what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes to the dining room, one room closer, and asks again, "what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes into the kitchen and asks again, and again she gets no answer. Finally, she is in the living room with him, standing behind the couch, and asks, "Honey! What do you want for dinner?" The husband answers, "For the last time, chicken!"

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.'

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!'

'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest.

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang!

'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.'

'Ting-a-ling!'

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My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

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My Daughter Wanted a Puppy

I was walking through the park a few weeks ago with my daughter, when she pulled at my hand and pointed over to what was 2 dogs having sex - she asked me "daddy what are they doing", to which I replied "they are making a puppy".

Anyway's a few weeks later I was in the bedroom on top of my wife making passionate love to her, when my daughter burst in the room and said "daddy what are you doing", I said "we are making a baby", to which she started crying, and then whimpered "daddy please turn mummy over, I really want a puppy"...

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!" I said, "Don't mention it."

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My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

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Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who was that guy?"

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The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."

The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.

The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,

"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"

The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,

"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"

The man who slept in the middle says,

"I had a dream that I was skiing!"

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Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

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What are the best Room puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Room? Well, here are the best jokes about Room to have fun with.

Joko Jokes