roof Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious roof stories

What are the best Roof puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Roof? Well here is a complete list of Roof to have fun with:

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.



A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."


A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"


My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.


A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"


How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.


Two antenna met on a roof...

fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*.


Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.


Two antennas fell in love..

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun
for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."


How do you get a blonde on a roof?

Tell her drinks are on the house.


My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential...

Then he pushed me off the roof


Drunk people are always fascinating

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "


Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.

After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."


My friend started a business in Afghanistan selling land mines that look like prayer rugs..

He says prophets are going through the roof.


A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan.

He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.


My roofing business is having a great promotion right now...

If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.


Why i love redheads?

Because if roof is rusty it's always wet in basement.


Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars...

And then I wondered,

Where the fuck did my roof go?


Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood.

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood and starts trying to climb onto the roof. The nun driving the car says to the other nun "Lean out the window, and show him your cross!", so the nun rolls the window down, leans out the window and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF OUR CAR!"


So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.


Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."


Dirty Assassin

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."


My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

A joke my mate told me after an after-hours lesson.


I opened a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.


How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thick you slice 'em.


A man started a business in Afghanistan.

He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.
"It's going well," he said. "Prophets are going through the roof."


Two satellite dishes met on a roof...

They hit it off and decided to get married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was great!


A lady is stranded on her house during a flood...

While the water is to her roof, a man with a lifeboat calls out to her "I've got room for another!". The lady says "I can't, I only accept help from God" and he rows away. While the water is by her ankles, a lady with a raft calls out and says, "Hurry, the water's rising and I've got room for another!" The lady says, "I can't, I only accept help from God" and she rows away. Finally, with the water at the neck, a man with a helicopter calls out, "Please, lady this is your last chance!" Again, the lady yells, "I can only accept help from God!". At last, the water rises, the lady drowns, dies, and goes to heaven. Before entering, the ladys asks God, "God, before I enter paradise, I need to know. Why didn't you save me?" God relpies, "Who the hell do you think the lifeboat, raft, and helicopter were from!?"


A freind of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.


An Englishman starts his own business in Afganistan

He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! He is doing quite well! Profits are going through the roof!


Talking Dog

A man brings a dog into a bar and says, "This is a talking dog."

The bartender says, "I'll believe it when I see it!"

The man sets the dog on the table and starts asking him questions. He asks, "What is the opposite of smooth?"

The dog responds, "Rough!"

The man asks, "What is on top of a house?"

The dog responds, "Roof!"

The man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog responds, "Ruth!"

The bartender is enraged and throws them both out of the bar.

The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"


How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.


Wonder Woman and Superman

One day Superman was flying over the city doing his rounds when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League in all her naked glory.

Superman begins to think.. "Wait a minute.. I'm faster than a speeding bullet.. I could go down there, have all the sex I want and fly away before she notices.."

So he takes a second to prepare and *jets* down to her, pumps away like mad and flies away before anyone is the wiser.

Then Wonder Woman exclaims, "What the hell was that!?"
And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"


Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my superpowers to give her a speed of light fuck sesh. I'll get my rocks off and she won't even know what hit her!"

So Superman flies down and, using his super speed, thrusts in and out maniacally until he comes. He flies away satisfied and hungry for a sandwich.

Wonder Woman:"What the hell was that?!?"

The invisible man: " I don't know, but my ass is hurting like hell now!"


Two antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


Sometimes i look up at the stars, the sky and wonder...

... Where the FUCK did my roof go?


Do you know why, all around the world, parlaments' roof are built as a dome?

Have you ever seen a circus with a flat roof?


I opened a company selling prayer mats with land mines in them..

Prophets are going through the roof!


How do you get an Irishman on your roof?

Tell him the drinks are on the house!


Why was the blonde girl sitting on the roof?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.


What do you call it when you stick a dried grape to the ceiling?

Raisin the roof!


Because of my cake here are a few physics jokes...

1.) Two kittens are on a roof which one falls off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

2.) what happens to electrons and they lose all the energy?

They become Bohred

3.) People call me lazy but I am just overflowing with potential energy.

4.) Did you hear about the man that was cooled absolute zero?

He is 0k now.

5.) I hear Chemistry jokes periodically, but Physics jokes have more potential.

6.) My Chemistry teacher threw Sodium Chlorite at me, is that considered a salt?

7.) √−1 2³ Σ π

It was very delicious.

Hope you enjoyed them.


Magic Trampoline

So two men are wasted on top of a skyscraper enjoying their time at a rooftop party. One man looks to the other and says "Watch this!" The guy leaps off the building and disappears into the darkness below, but then suddenly comes bounding back up and lands on the roof. "WOW!!" says the other man. "Now you try," says the first guy. The other man is uncertain. "There's a magical trampoline down there that'll throw you back up!" The other man ponders this for a minute then says ,"Let me see you do it again." The man shrugs and proceeds to leap off the building and once again comes flying back up and landing safely on the roof. "OK! My turn!" The other man jumps confidently off the skyscraper and eventually falls to his death to the street below. The man on the roof is looking over the edge when he is approached by another man who says,"Man Superman, you are sure a dick when you're drunk!"


A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof.

A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"

"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."


What do you get when you mix a rooster with peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.


How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the roof.


What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?

She would be frantically scratching at the roof of her coffin.


A student goes away to college for the first time

He's worried about how his cat will take his absence, so he calls home the first chance he gets. His little brother answers the phone.

How's Mittens doing?

Oh, Mittens died.


Yeah, Mittens is dead.

I can't believe that you just blurted it out like that.

What do you mean?

Well, you could have broken it to me gently. You could have said, 'She's up on the roof and we can't get her down.' Then next time I called you could say that Mittens fell and got hurt, and then next time you could say that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock.

Yeah, I see what you mean. Sorry.

That's OK, just let me talk to Mom.

Uh, she's up on the roof and we can't get her down.


A rich man decides to visit Europe

After a few weeks, he received a message from his butler simply saying, "Your dog is dead." Upon his return, the rich man began to scold the butler for how poorly he had handled the situation. "How should I have handled it sir?" The butler asked.
"Well, you could have started with, your dog is on the roof. Then you could have sent another that said, your dog has fallen off the roof and is grievously wounded. Finally, you could have sent another that said, your dog has moved on to his eternal reward."
A few years later, the man traveled to Asia. After a few weeks he received a letter from his butler saying, "Your mother is on the roof."



You've read some of the best roof jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty roof gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these roof jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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