roof Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious roof puns

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman's on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How's my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat's dead."

The woman's upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can't enjoy my vacation now. You could've just said a little white lie, like the cat's on the roof and you can't get her down."

"Okay, I'm sorry," says the husband, "I'll remember that."

The woman says, "Anyway, how's my mother doing?"

The husband says, "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: Roof.

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: Rough.

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: Ruth.

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar with a dog...

A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again
"What do you find on a tree?"
"Bark!" answers the dog again.
"Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm kicking you out." The man asks the dog
'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies
"Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?"

(Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was mending his roof.

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder and asked the old guy. The old guy replied, "Can you please spare me some money?" The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me." He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Superman is flying around, super horny.

He's flying over a building when he sees Batgirl on the roof, totally naked, legs spread, moaning, "Give it to me. Give it to me!"
Superman thinks he might get in trouble with Batman if he bangs Batgirl, but she's begging for it and he can just use his super speed to get the job done quick. So he does. He flys down to the roof and, super fast, humps the hell out of Batgirl. He's done in a few seconds and, wanting to avoid any confrontation, flys off just as fast.
Batgirl is shocked. "What the hell was that?!?!"
"I don't know but it hurt like hell", says the invisible man.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Being a good husband

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself

What the hell happened to the roof?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he pushed me off the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Your cat died

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sometimes, at the end of a long day, I like to lie in my bed, look up at the stars, and think…

"Where the fuck did my roof go?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After a long day I like to lay down in my bed, look up at the stars, and think to myself..

Where the hell did my roof go?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husbands are always responsible!

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark" says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. "What's on top of a house?" asks the man. "Roof" says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. "What's the best baseball player of all time?" "Ruth" The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, "Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men are standing at the edge of the roof on a tall sky scraper...

There is a strong wind blowing up the side of the building from below.
One guy says, "This wind is so strong, it will bow you right back up if you happen to fall off, watch!" He steps off the edge and falls about 30 feet before spreading his arms and legs out to catch the air. He slows, then rises back up to land gently on the roof again.
The second guy says "That's awesome, I'm going to try". He steps off the roof and falls 120 stories to his death.
Third guy says "Superman, you are a mean drunk".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof

they promised me it would be on the house

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've started a business building yachts in my attic

Sails are going through the roof!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof,
falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel
so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.
The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to
a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room
to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so
he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk
and immerses himself for immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing
and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims,

"So that's how you guys load those things!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.

-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?"
"Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."

Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."

Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?

The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two antenna met on a roof...

fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a rooftop bar

and takes a seat next to another guy. What are you drinking? he asks the guy.
Magic beer, he says.
Oh, yeah? What's so magical about it?

He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
Amazing! the man says. Lemme try some of that! The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof β€”and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. You know, you're a real bastard when you're drunk, Superman.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer matts

Prophets are going through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two antennas fell in love..

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Superman was flying above Metropolis

When he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League, totally naked. Superman thinks to himself, 'Hey, I'm Superman, I could fly down there really fast and fuck Wonder Woman, and she'd never know.' So Superman flies down and fucks Wonder Woman so fast she doesn't even see him. When he's done, Wonder Woman sits up and says "What the fuck was that?", To which the Invisible Man replies, "I dunno, but my asshole is killing me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun
for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I recently opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you get a blonde on a roof?

Tell her drinks are on the house.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self..

Where the fuck is my roof??

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I started a company

I started a company that sells land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy moves away from home to go to college.

He lives in a dorm, so he had to leave his cat behind.

One day he calls home and his little brother answers. He asks what's new.

His brother says, "Mittens died."

"Holy shit. Why did you just blurt it out like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could have broken it to me slowly, like you could have said that she's on the roof and we can't get her down. Then next time I called, you could have said that she got hurt, and then the next time you could have said that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock."

"Sorry, I guess I should have broken it to you slowly."

"That's OK. Let me talk to Mom."

"She's up on the roof and we can't get her down."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A theologian, a physicist and a mathematician

A theologian, a mathematician and a physicist are standing on top of a burning five-story building. The only way to escape would be to jump into the pool at the back of the house. The theologian shouts: "God will save me", jumps, and hits the ground two meters beside the pool. He is instantly dead. The physicist kneels on the roof, draws some figures and numbers into the dust, jumps and lands exactly in the middle of the pool. The mathematician speaks to himself: "I can do that too", fumbles his notepad out of his pocket, does some calculations, jumps and flies up into the sky. What happened?

Sign error.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential...

Then he pushed me off the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder

what happened to my roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man who thinks his wife might be cheating on him hires a hit-man..

...The hit-man says it will cost $5000. The man says that's fine but he wants to watch. The hit-man agrees so they find a spot on a nearby roof and wait for the wife to get home.

Eventually the wife comes home and she's with a guy.
The husband is furious but still not sure if she is cheating yet so they wait some more.

Eventually the hit-man pulls out his binoculars and after about 30 seconds he says "oh ya she's cheating on you. What do you want me to do?".

The irate husband says "Put a bullet in her head and while you're at it put a bullet in the guys dick as well".

The hitman replies "Ok, but that's going to cost you another $5000. The good news is I'm only going to need one bullet."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

... Or was it Hank Aaron.

A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man walks up to the bartender and bets him $20.00 that his dog can talk. The bartender is interested so he takes the bet. The man turns to the dog and asks what the top of a house is called. "Roof!" barks the dog. "How does sandpaper feel?" asks the man. "Rough!" responds the dog. "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" the man asks. "Ruth!" the dog says. At this point the bartender is livid so he kicks both of them out and keeps the twenty dollars. Later they're both sitting on the corner and the dog turns to his master and says "Was it Mantle?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde and a brunette are watching 10 o'clock news...

A man is standing on the roof of his apartment building, threatening to jump. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you $50 he jumps!"
The blonde agrees, and the two continue watching until finally, the man jumps to his death.
The blonde pulls out her wallet and goes to hand the brunette the money, but the brunette refuses.
"I have to be honest, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news so I knew he was going to jump."
The blonde replies "I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd jump again!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ruth! (not sure if repost)

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Drunk people are always fascinating

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One of my dads favorite jokes....

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.64"

"What the hell did you sell?!?"

"First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4x4 F350."

"A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I own a company selling land mines that look like prayer blankets

Prophets are going through the roof!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Killing Joke

There were two guys locked up in an insane asylum together. One night, they decide that they hate it there, and they want to escape. So, they make it onto the roof top, and just across a narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching into moonlight, into freedom.

The first guy jumps across right away, without a problem. But the second guy didn't, because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy says "Hey, I have this flashlight with me! I'll shine it between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"

But then the second guy says "What, do you think I'm fuckin' crazy? You'd just turn the light off when I'm halfway across."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

(Yes it's old, but I still love it)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats...

Prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.

After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's what we're gonna do: I'm going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I've trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I'll load him up and go release him in the hills."
Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn't half bad and may actually work.
"But why'd you give me the rifle?"
"If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you see that large tree over there?" He said.
"Yes, yes!" the bats said, excitedly.
"Good for you, I didn't."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory.

There's de Brie everywhere

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Excessive Skepticism

A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here."

Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender.

I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?"

"ROOF !" says the dog.

"Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?"

"Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?"

"RUFF !" says the dog.

"Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! "

"Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "RUTH !" says the dog.

"That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.

Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A beautiful brunette dies and 'wakes' up in a room.. [NSFW]

.. In the room in one corner there is a ladder heading up into a hole in the roof, and in another corner a small man with a small ugly penis, red with sores.


"Hi, I'm Fassi, and you're in hell. You have two choices. You can either suck me, or you can climb the ladder to success."


The brunette wonders what kind of an idiot that guy is. "I'll climb up to success, thank you". The man shrugs, used to the response, and she climbs up the ladder to emerge into another room.


In it sits a massive man with a massive dong, covered in warts, pus, and dried blood.


Speaks he, in a booming voice. "Hi, I'm Cess.."


:D


(Not original, and no idea how many times this has been posted)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend started a business in Afghanistan selling land mines that look like prayer rugs..

He says prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan.

He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I sat back looking at the stars and began to think..

Where the HECK is my roof?!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Joke by my Physics Teacher

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the roof of his building.

Just before the man jumps, the physicist yells: "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

President Trump! What about the aliens from space?

We need a ROOF!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats...

Prophets are through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I recently opened a suicide bomb shop in Syria, and it's doing great!

Prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two cats are stuck on a roof. Which one falls off first?

One with the smaller mew.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A physicist goes outside and sees a man standing on the edge of a roof

The physicist shouts Don't jump, you have so much potential!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My new invention has made me rich!!!

exploding prayer mats, prophets are going through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wonder Woman

Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.

Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.

Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Guy A calls guy B

Guy A tells guy B, "I bet you I can get us the day off at work tommorow," so Guy A tells him that plan.l

The next day guy A goes to work and goes on the roof

The boss walks in and asks him what he's doing, guy A says "I'm a light bulb!"

The boss tells him that he's been working too hard and has gone crazy and tells him to go home

Guy B follows guy A out but the boss stops and says, "what are you doing?"

Guy B says, "I can't work in the dark!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My roofing business is having a great promotion right now...

If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why i love redheads?

Because if roof is rusty it's always wet in basement.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men were working on a construction site...

...It is a 5 story building, one man is working on the roof, and the other on the ground. The man on the roof realizes he needs his hacksaw but is already in his harness and cannot go down to get it. Knowing thism he tries to yell down to his co-worker on the ground to bring it up for him, he gets the mans attention but the man can't make out what he's saying. The man on the roof decides to motion what he needs, so he moves his hand back and forth like he's using a hacksaw. The man acknowledges, pulls down his pants and starts jerking off. The worker on the roof is so outraged that he takes off his harness, and runs down the stairs, and goes to the guy and yells "What the hell was that!?! I was asking for a hacksaw!" and the other guy replies, "I know, I was just trying to tell you that I was coming"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend decided to start an industry selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you get a blonde on your roof?

Tell her drinks are on the house.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."








I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Still the best blonde joke to date..

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two antennas met on a roof

and got married. The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats

Prophets are though the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes on vacation...

And has his brother watch his beloved cat while he's away.

He calls his brother when he lands and asks about the cat his brother says "oh the cat died."

Devastated the man says "well next time couldn't you lighten the blow a bit?"

His brother asks how

He says "well maybe the first day I call you could say the cat got on the roof. Then the second day you could say like the fire fighters couldn't get him down. And then on the third day you could tell me."

The brother says "okay I'll keep that in mind."

The man asks" so how's mom?"

"She's on the roof"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars...

And then I wondered,


Where the fuck did my roof go?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood.

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood and starts trying to climb onto the roof. The nun driving the car says to the other nun "Lean out the window, and show him your cross!", so the nun rolls the window down, leans out the window and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF OUR CAR!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential

Then he pushed me off a roof as a class demonstration

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cat Joke

A man goes on a business trip and has his best friend watch his cat. In the middle of his trip, he calls to check on things, but his friend says, "Yeah, your cat died."

So the man gets upset. "You can't just say that! You should have broke it to me slowly. Like, this time, you could have said, 'she's on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down'. Next time I called, you could say 'the fireman dropped her and they took her to the vet'. Third time, 'sorry man, they did all they could, but Fluffy passed away'."

His friend says. "Alright, I'll remember that."

The man sighs. "So how's my mother doing?"

"Oh, she's on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As I laid in bed looking up at the night sky, I pondered to myself...

What the hell happened to my roof?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The talking dog....

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."

The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"

"Ruff" says the dog.

"What is on top of a house?"

"Roof" says the dog.

The bartender is getting annoyed, so the man begs to let him ask one more question.

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Roof" says the dog.

With that, the bartender halls the man and his dog out onto the street. The man is dejected. The dog sees this, looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two brothers lived together

with their grandmother and her cat. The first brother went on a business trip, and when he arrived at his destination, he checked into his hotel, and called his brother at home. "I made it safe and sound" he said. "How is everything?"

"Bad" said the second brother. "The cat is dead."

"WHAT?!? How could you be so insensitive to tell me like that?" The first brother exclaimed. "You could have broken it to me slowly by saying the cat is on the roof, but you've called the fire department and they were trying to get her down. Later you could have called me and told me that the fire department got the cat down but she has a broken leg, so you are taking her to the veterinarian. Tomorrow you could have called me and told me despite the veterinarian's best efforts, the cat died."

"Sorry", said the second brother. "I'll remember that next time."

"Good", said the first brother. "By the way, how is Grandma?"

The second brother replied, "Oh, Grandma is on the roof."


πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

This dog can speak English, he claims to the unimpressed agent. Okay, Sport, the guys says to the dog, what's on the top of a house?

Roof! the dog replies.

Oh, come on… the talent agent responds. All dogs go 'roof'.

No, wait, the guy says. He asks the dog, What does sandpaper feel like?

Rough! the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. No, hang on, the guy says. This one will amaze you. He turns and asks the dog, Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Ruth! goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night I was laying in bed looking at the stars and I thought to myself

What the hell happened to my roof?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a roof?

Aha, so you're the idiot who shit on my roof last night!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

A joke my mate told me after an after-hours lesson.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just opened an explosive prayer mat business.

Prophets are through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dirty Assassin

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub?

The drinks were on the house.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two antennas fall in love with each other on a roof and decide to get married

The wedding was awful but the reception was great.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I opened a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A competitive cyclist got into an accident...

... and lost both his legs. He was absolutely devastated, as he could no longer do what he loved. He decided to end his life.

When he was discharged from the hospital, he pushed himself on his wheelchair into the lift, and went to the roof. He was at the edge of the roof and was about to throw himself off, when he spots a homeless man down below, with no arms, who looked like he was dancing.

He is filled with rage, and goes back down again, to confront the homeless man.

The cyclist says, "Hey you! I was one of the best cyclists in the world and I just lost both my legs in an accident. Life as a handicap is shit, there's no point in living. Stop dancing around being so happy, it's pissing me off."

The homeless man replies, "Fuck you asshole at least you can scratch YOUR balls, it's driving me crazy!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thick you slice 'em.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Have you heard about the new landmines?

They're disguised as prayer mats and prophets have gone through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan..

making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?

Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two antennas get married on a roof...

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man started a business in Afghanistan.

He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.
"It's going well," he said. "Prophets are going through the roof."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blond man joke

An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break.

The Irishman opens his lunch box, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The Mexican opens his lunch box, "Tacos again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The blond opens his lunch box, "A ham and cheese sandwich again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The next day the Irishman gets corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets tacos and jumps to his death. The blond gets a ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death.

At their wake, their wives sit together to mourn the men.

The Irishman's wife laments, "If he would have told me he hated his food I could have made something else."

The Mexican's wife agrees, "I could have made my husband quesadillas or enchiladas."

The women look over at the blond's wife, who responds, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man brings his talking dog into the bar...

The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed.

The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?"

The bartender reluctantly agrees.

The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?"

The dog says, "Roof!"

The bartender crosses his arms, annoyed.

The man says, "What does sandpaper feel like?"

The dog says, "Rough!"

The bartender is annoyed, but gives him one more shot.

The man says "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog barks, "Ruth!"

The bartender is furious at the man for trying to trick him and kicks them both out.

The man gets really angry and kicks his dog.

The dog looks up at him and says "what, do you think Sammy Sosa was better?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Superman and Batman meet up on the rooftops,

and Batman notices Superman looks a little banged up. "What happened to you Superman?", asks Batman. Superman says, "You won't believe this shit Bats. I'm flying along right, and I see Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of this building spread eagle!" "Wow," says Batman with a grin. "So," Superman goes on, "I figure I can swoop down, get in a few pumps at super speed, and be gone before she can do anything." "Damn," says Batman, "she must have gotten pissed. You look like hell." "She wasn't that angry," says Superman, "and if you think I look bad, I can only imagine what the Invisible Man's asshole looks like."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two satellite dishes met on a roof...

They hit it off and decided to get married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was great!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lady is about to jump from the roof of her building....

As she readies herself a homeless man wonders over "Before you jump, would you do me a favour and have sex with me?"

Disgusted, the woman tells him to go away. As he leaves he looks back "Fine, I will just wait for you at the bottom."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lady is stranded on her house during a flood...

While the water is to her roof, a man with a lifeboat calls out to her "I've got room for another!". The lady says "I can't, I only accept help from God" and he rows away. While the water is by her ankles, a lady with a raft calls out and says, "Hurry, the water's rising and I've got room for another!" The lady says, "I can't, I only accept help from God" and she rows away. Finally, with the water at the neck, a man with a helicopter calls out, "Please, lady this is your last chance!" Again, the lady yells, "I can only accept help from God!". At last, the water rises, the lady drowns, dies, and goes to heaven. Before entering, the ladys asks God, "God, before I enter paradise, I need to know. Why didn't you save me?" God relpies, "Who the hell do you think the lifeboat, raft, and helicopter were from!?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A freind of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So they finally made an affordable and functional jetpack

The sales are through the roof

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 Brunettes and a Blonde

One dark and stormy night, 2 burnettes and a blonde escape from prison. To get out of the rain and hide from the cops they go into a barn where they find 3 sacks to hide in. One cop goes into the born and yells to other
"There's nothing in here, just 3 sacks" to which the other cop replies
"Kick the sacks and make sure they're not hiding in them"
So the cop kicks the first sack with the brunette in it and she goes "roof roof"
Oh its just a stupid dog the cop says. He kicks the second one with the other brunette in it and she goes "meow meow"
Oh its just a stupid cat.
So he kicks the last sack with the blone in it and she goes "POTATOES"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Englishman starts his own business in Afganistan

He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! He is doing quite well! Profits are going through the roof!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island...

A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island. After years of solitude, he is finally rescued. His years of loneliness and the island's abundant resources have let him build many creature comforts. He shows his rescuers around the island.

"Here's my dining room," he says, pointing to an area with a palm-leaf roof.

"And here's my kitchen," he says, pointing to an area by the lagoon surrounded by stones.

"And here," he says, pointing to a beautiful hut, "is my synagogue where I go pray."

The rescuers see another building of equal beauty across the island. "What building is that over there?" they ask.

"Ugh, that's the other synagogue. You wouldn't catch me dead in there!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy

The guy orders a beer, drinks it then goes up to the roof of a ten story building and jumps off, miraculously he slowly flies back Down to the ground. The woman, now amazed asks "how did you do that?" the guy replies by saying "its this beer, it's magic". the girl then orders a beer ,chugs it down, then goes up to the roof of the same ten story building, jumps off and falls to her death. The bartender than looks at the guy and says "superman your such a dick when your drunk".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A small neighborhood was flooded...

...so much to the point that the rooftops were the only dry place. Vince and Frank were seated on one roof, waiting for rescue, when suddenly, out of one of the houses, they observe a floating hat.

It drifts over to a shed nearby and then drifts back to the front of the house. Bubbles started bursting near the hat, and then it then moved in a circular pattern where the circles got smaller and smaller (like a spiral) until it hit the center of what would be the lawn in front of the house. The bubbles stopped and the hat then drifted on back to the shed. The hat then disappeared back into the house.

Vince turns to Frank and says, "What do you think that was about?". Frank answers, "Oh that's just Robert. I remember talking to him yesterday and I remember him proclaiming that 'by hell or high water, I am going to mow that lawn!'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There is a boy that went to school after 3 weeks of absence...

The teacher asks him:
-Why didn't you come to school in your first week of absence?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandma and we had to burry her.
Teacher:But second week?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandpa and we had to burry him.
Teacher:And the last week?
Boy:A brick fell on my dad and we had to burry him.
Teacher:But what were you doing all this time??
Boy:I was on the roof of my house playing with bricks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Talking Dog

A man brings a dog into a bar and says, "This is a talking dog."

The bartender says, "I'll believe it when I see it!"

The man sets the dog on the table and starts asking him questions. He asks, "What is the opposite of smooth?"

The dog responds, "Rough!"

The man asks, "What is on top of a house?"

The dog responds, "Roof!"

The man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog responds, "Ruth!"

The bartender is enraged and throws them both out of the bar.

The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night I was laying in bed for hours watching the stars pass when I suddenly thought...

Where the hell has my roof gone?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 patients break out of a mental asylum

They make it to the roof. There they see hundreds of rooftops stretching as far as they could see.

The first guy jumps from the roof, and lands on the rooftop without injury.

The second guy is afraid of heights, and wouldn't jump.

"Wait, i have a flashlight with me!", "I'll make a path with the light, so you can walk across!"

"Hell no, I ain't crazy", "You'll just turn the light off when I'm halfway across!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wonder Woman and Superman

One day Superman was flying over the city doing his rounds when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League in all her naked glory.

Superman begins to think.. "Wait a minute.. I'm faster than a speeding bullet.. I could go down there, have all the sex I want and fly away before she notices.."

So he takes a second to prepare and *jets* down to her, pumps away like mad and flies away before anyone is the wiser.

Then Wonder Woman exclaims, "What the hell was that!?"
And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two drunks

Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"

The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs

The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks.

The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida from here?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."

"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm running a boat making company from my attic.

The sails are through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my superpowers to give her a speed of light fuck sesh. I'll get my rocks off and she won't even know what hit her!"

So Superman flies down and, using his super speed, thrusts in and out maniacally until he comes. He flies away satisfied and hungry for a sandwich.

Wonder Woman:"What the hell was that?!?"

The invisible man: " I don't know, but my ass is hurting like hell now!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two antennas met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Magic beer

A man walks into a rooftop bar and sits next to another guy.

"What are you drinking", the man asks

"Magic beer", the stranger replies.

"What do you mean?

So the stranger shows him. He downs his beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building and lands back on his seat with a triumphant smile.

"Amazing, let me try as well!

He drinks the beer, dives off the roof and plummets 15 stories to his death. The bartender rolls his eyes.

"You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Roof puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Roof? Well, here are the best jokes about Roof to have fun with.

Joko Jokes