Rolls Jokes
162 rolls jokes and hilarious rolls puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rolls that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Rolls come in all shapes and sizes and each one has a joke to tell! This article gives you the lowdown on the best jokes about cinnamon rolls, pizza rolls, sausage rolls, toilet rolls, cabbage rolls, loo rolls, Rolls Royce, begs, wraps, and puffs. Get ready for an entertaining read and some good chuckles!
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Funniest Rolls Short Jokes
Short rolls jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rolls humour may include short rolled jokes also.
- I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING" - I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
- I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint. He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
- I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
- Some people say rolling for stats in D&D is old fashioned and unforgiving But I think it builds character.
- I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
- Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
- What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? An empty toilet paper roll.
- "It's a boy!" I shouted tear rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
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Rolls One Liners
Which rolls one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rolls? I can suggest the ones about rowing and dice.
- What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? walking.
…
j/k…rolling. - What's Sisyphus' least favorite band? Rolling Stones
- What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
- Finally my winter fat is gone Now I have spring rolls
- My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities
- Two mice are chewing on a film roll One says, "I liked the book better"
- How does the author of harry potter get down a hill? By walking. JK. Rolling
- My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now
- How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill? By walking... jk rolling
- How did harry potter get down the hill? Walking.
LoL
JK. Rolling. - Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
- What do you call 100 little sheep rolling down a hill? A lambslide
- What do you call a pastry that is yummy, tasty, and delicious? A synonym roll.
- What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!
- Is that a sushi roll in your pocket? Or are you just happy sashimi?
Rolls Royce Jokes
Here is a list of funny rolls royce jokes and even better rolls royce puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my sister how her blind date went "Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce."
"So what's so bad about *that*?" I asked.
Apparently he was the original owner. - What kind of car does a rich baker drive? A Rolls-Royce.
- My new Rolls Royce I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.
So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it. - Rolls-Royce and Apple are teaming up to bring us the next generation of automobiles. The iRolls
- My boss just bought a brand new Rolls-Royce... One day... One day, if I keep working just as hard, he'll be able to buy another one.
- What does a rich fat person drive? A Rolls Royce.
- What kind of car does a 700-pound man drive? A Rolls-Royce.
- What Car Does God Drive? Rolls-Royce Holy Ghost
- What do you call a fat woman with massive pillowy rolls? A rolls royce
Sushi Rolls Jokes
Here is a list of funny sushi rolls jokes and even better sushi rolls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi? The Honor Roll.
- What is the sushi chef's dream car? rolls rice
- What kind of car does a sushi chef drive? Rolls Rice
- What kind of cars do sushi chefs drive? Rolls rice!
- What's the Preferred Luxury Automobile of Sushi Chefs around the world? Rolls Rice
- Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll? It is the lady gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw
- Sushi ...the rolls-rice of Asian seafood
- What type of sushi does Bob Seger like? That Old Thai Moroccan Roll.
- What did Sushie A say to Sushi B? Wasa-B! Let's roll.
- I asked my Sushi Chef what his favorite roll was. . he said payroll.
Sausage Rolls Jokes
Here is a list of funny sausage rolls jokes and even better sausage rolls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a pig that's falling down a hill? A sausage roll.
- Why are AC/DC always so hungry? Cause it's a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll
- How do you make a sausage roll? You push it down a hill.
- What do you call a sausage that can't walk? A sausage roll.
- I like my women like I like my sausage rolls Thick and with a sausage in the middle.
- I was arrested for stealing a sausage roll... They charged me for Grand Theft Porko.
Cinnamon Rolls Jokes
Here is a list of funny cinnamon rolls jokes and even better cinnamon rolls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about Dwayne Johnson and the cinnamon bun? They say it's rock and roll.
- What does an English teacher eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls.
My wife was so proud of herself for thinking this up while eating cinnamon roll ice cream yesterday. - People get upset when I call them synonym rolls and not cinnamon rolls, but I am pretty sure it means that same thing
- I'm currently preparing for a role It's a cinnamon roll.
- Someone stole a bag of cinnamon rolls when a vigilante appeared...
- So a cinnamon roll was saluting to the American flag Talk about pastryotisim
- I've got a pretty big role coming up It's a cinnamon roll.
- What did the Jamaican Priest say to the Baker's rolls? You a cinnamon.
Pizza Rolls Jokes
Here is a list of funny pizza rolls jokes and even better pizza rolls puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I like my women the same way I like my pizza rolls 45 at a time.
- Why did the pizza shop close early? Because they were rolling in dough
- How do pizza makers make good money? They are always rolling in dough.
- The pizza roll box says "Let stand for 2 minutes" after cooking But all they want to do is lay there.
- What do you get when you cross Studio Ghibli and pizza rolls? My Neighbor Totino
- What is it called when an Italian is overweight? Pizza rolls
- What do you call a famous director of modern noir cinema who is notorious for needing glasses and pulling apart his pizza rolls to cool them before eating? Squintin' Tearin' 'Tino's
- I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen". So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
Hilarious Fun Rolls Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about rolls you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean runs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rolls pranks.
My favorite golf joke
Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.
First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"
"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."
Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.
Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?
Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"
the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH
Fighter jock and the cargo pilot
A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.
The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.
"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.
"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.
After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"
Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."
Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Bad puns are the best puns
How can you tell that a baker's hands are on fire?
He can't seem to *stop droppin' rolls*.
A police officer pulls a guy over.....
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
A man and wife are lying in bed...
The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"
She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be g**...."
The man says "I understand" and rolls over.
After a few moments, the man rolls back over and asks "when's your next dentist appointment?"
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
What's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert?
SYNONYM ROLLS!
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
What's a feminist's least favorite food?
Gender rolls
A Jewish man is in a car accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..
She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."
So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.
r**... r**... r**... r**... r**... r**... r**...
Synonym rolls...
Just like grammar used to make.
A cop pulls over a reverend
The Reverend rolls down the window and asks: What's the problem Officer?
The cop replies with: Reverend have you been drinking?
The Reverend is fumbled and says : No Officer, just water.
Cop smirks and says : Why do I smell wine?
The Reverend exclaims and says: Good Lord he's done it again!
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
Based on statistics
The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld.
These violent delights have violent ends.
What's a married couples favorite s**... position?
d**....
The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend........
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.
A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar
The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.
The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.
The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.
The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.
Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"
You old fool!
A farmer goes into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. His wife, in bed, looks up from her National Enquirer. She has curlers in her hair and green face cream all over her face.
The farmer says, "Sweetheart, this is the pig I sleep with when you won't give me what I want."
The wife rolls her eyes and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The farmer replies, "You old fool, I wasn't talkin' to you!"
The Bet
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely n**...."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips n**... from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman
After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.
She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"
Husband and wife get into bed for sleeping
And the husband turns to wife and starts making out.
Wife says "don't start now, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow morning so I need to keep it clean".
Husband disappointed, rolls around and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes, he rolls back and asks "do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"
A man gets pulled over for speeding...
The office saunters up to his car and he rolls down the window.
"I've heard every excuse for speeding in the book. I bet you can't give me one I haven't heard. But if you do, I'll let you off with a warning."
The man replies.
"Well you see officer, few years back my wife went and ran off with a state trooper."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, when I saw your lights turn on I was afraid you fellas was coming to give her back!"
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."
A man walks into a small bank
There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."
In Alabama, when served rolls, they never serve the butter on the side.
Because they like it inbread.
d**...
Two buddies were drinking while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it d**...?" Asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, k**..., huh?"
"Well, not exactly..."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake.
The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, "This is a library, ma'am."
So the blonde leans in and whispers, "Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake."
Two couples are getting bored with their s**... lives, so they decide to swap partners
After a night of wild passionate s**..., Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
Well me and the wife have doggy s**... every night.
I sit at the end of the bed panting and begging and she rolls over and plays dead
Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"
Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.
\**Wife rolls eyes*\*
Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*
Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."
An old married couple are sitting at the table
The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.
"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.
The wife says "For 50 years of bad s**...."
A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.
The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"
The husband says "For knowing the difference."
A bass player joke.
A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."
Studies show that doggy is the most common s**... style among married couples.
The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book
How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999? He asks
The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.
Because... he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, ...only 90's kids remember the 90's
It has been determined, the most used s**... position for married couples is the d**... position...
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
My favorite word is drool.
It just rolls off the tongue.
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
When I sold my house...
The new owner called me up and asked; "How much wallpaper did you buy when you did the living room?". "12 rolls" I answered.
Three days later I got another angry call. "You said you bought 12 rolls of wallpaper, but I only needed 7!". "Funny", I responded, "I had the same thing!"
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…
Boss: Why aren't you picking that up??
Me: I pick it up on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.
Boss: PICK IT UP!!
Me: [rolls eyes] fine. 911, what's your emergency?
A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.
On his way to the door the waiter exclaims why the f*c**... did you do that?!
To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, i'm a panda, look it up... before casually walking out the exit
After finding the relevant chapter the waiter reads:
Panda: Large black and white bear-like mammal; eats, shoots and leaves.
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!
My neighbor visited my house the other day
He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?
12 I said.
A few days later he came back, pretty p**.... "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"
Yeah, so did I.
\*Heard in Dutch and translated.
How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
By their seasoning.
Two h**... were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
I'm a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced h**... #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked h**... #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf together.
Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies off. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, it drops the fish, the ball falls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus "I hate playing with your dad."
A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.
Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, Do you know why I pulled you over? The man says, No . The cop says, You ran a stop sign back there . The man says, OK, but I slowed down though . The cop then asks, Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir? The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, STOP, STOP! The cops say, Oh, you want me to slow down?
What do you get when a chicken lays its eggs on the top of a hill?
Egg rolls.
A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds he hears a whisper: "Pssst... I like your tie."
He looks around but doesn't see anyone.
"Pssst... "that color looks nice on you"
The man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but... are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes, saying, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
A man rolls through a Stop sign…
An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.
Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.
No sir, the man replies.
Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.
Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.
The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?
A little boy runs up to his father with a question.
"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"
The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."
"...but I did get shot in the leggy."
A soldier finds a woman locked out of her car
A soldier finds a woman at the side of the road crying, and she tells him she's left her keys in her car. The soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...
One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!
The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the b**... h**... out of middle of the road a**...!
One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.
They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.
"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.
"Yes," replies the monkey.
Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
The monkey rolls his eyes. "Am I the only one in this whole jungle who knows how to drive a stick?"
"How was your blind date?"
A college student asked her 21 year old roommate.
"Terrible!" The roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven
The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.
A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.
