Rolled Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Rolled puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Rolled

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

I caught my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I rolled up a newspaper and told him he was a bad boy.

I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

Now how's he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?"

...thought the spider.

The original name for Jedis was "Force Kin".

I wonder why they rolled it back?

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."

Yesterday I saw a girl driving next to me while texting on her phone...

I was so disgusted by her irresponsible driving that I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...



As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

I was going to make a joke about that bus...

I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers...

But there's no pun in ten dead.

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Jack and Oscar.

The three men had always done everything together.

Jack arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Jack said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Jack said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Oscar in to confirm the identity of the body.

Oscar looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Oscar said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Oscar said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral..I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

Truck driver and couple

A truck driver sees a couple making love in the road up ahead. He honks his horn to make them get up out of the way, but they keep at it. He keeps honking, but they stay there, so he slams on the brakes to keep from hitting them. He stops inches from them, gets out of the cab, and by then they had rolled apart, satisfied.

He says to the man, "What's the matter with you? I kept honking but you didn't move. You trying to get killed?"

The man says, "I was coming, she was coming and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Two Men Go Hunting

A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside.
As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side.
"Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

Poor Boy

A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out.

A Catholic priest happens to walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, "Whats wrong, my child?"

"My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and I have no way of getting home!"

The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says "This really isn't your day is it, my son?"

Susan at Bible Shool

Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, "Who is the Son of God?" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!". After this she nodded off again and the teacher called on her again, "Susan, who is the creator of the universe?" The boy poked her again with the pencil, awakening flustered and rather angry, she spoke softly, growing gradually louder, "Oh, my, God!" Again she falls asleep when the teacher asks one final question, "Susan, what did Eve say to Adam after their 56th child?" The boy once more prodded her with his pencil and she screams, "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF!!!"

A poor mexican went to a hill to pray for a way to feed his family

As he was praying a black guy was walking nearby with groceries when he dropped his cheese wheel and it rolled to the Mexican. The Mexican grabbed it, praised god, and ran home.

When he gets home he instructs his wife to make nachos with the cheese.

"Why nachos" asks his wife "we can make so many better meals with this cheese"

"No" said the Mexican "god instructs me to make nachos."

"What do you mean" asked the wife

"As I was praying God sent me the cheese wheel and as I was running home with it I heard him yelling That's Nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!"

A young man gets pulled over by the police.

"Son, have you been drinking tonight?" said the officer.

The man rolled down his window. He had bloodshot eyes and smelt of whiskey. His left hand had a silver watch on it. "No, sir," he said with a slurred voice. "I am not drunk."

The police officer wasn't having it. "Alright, son. If you're not drunk, can you tell the time for me?"

The man smiled and shook his intoxicated head. "Sure thing, sir." He turned to the watch on his left hand.

"The officer told me to tell you that I am not drunk."

TIL that condoms have serial numbers.

What? Have you never rolled them down that far?

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I asked a Jewish girl for her number.

She rolled up her sleeve.

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

A boy is carrying something past an old man on his porch...

The old man sees him and says "Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Duck tape old man. Imma catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with no duck tape." says the old man.

The boy doesn't listen and walks on. 5 minutes later the boy comes back with 10 ducks all caught up in the tape and quacking away. The man is dumbfounded.

The next day the same boy walks carrying something by the old man.

"Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Chicken Wire" the boy says "Imma catch me some chickens"

"Boy you can't catch chickens with no chicken wire." Replied the old man.

The boy walked on, and not 10 minutes later came back with no less than 20 chickens all rolled up in the wire, clucking away. The old man was dumbfounded.

The next day the boy walked by carrying something. The old man raised an eyebrow.

"Boy, whatcha got there?" said the old man

"Pussywillows" replied the boy.

"Hold on" said the old man "Just let me get my hat."

Blonde vs. Space

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were taking a tour inside of NASA space center. The tour-guide asked them "What planet or other object in our universe would you go to?"

The red head said. "I'd go to Saturn!"

The brunette said, "I'd go to the Moon!"

The blonde said "I'd go to the Sun!"

The tour-guide looked at the blonde. "But if you go the Sun, you'll burn up and die."

The blonde rolled her eyes and replied calmly. "What, do you think I'm stupid? I'd go at night!"

I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.

I was then removed from the funeral.

Two of the Trump children were cheating on an exam..

The first question was "Old MacDonald had a ______." Eric tried to see Tiffany's paper, couldn't, so whispered "Tiffany, what's the answer to number 1?" She rolled her eyes and said "You are the stupid one of the family. It's Old MacDonald had a farm, everyone knows that." "Oh right!" said Eric. He hesitates a minute then whispers "Hey Tiffany, how do you spell farm?" She rolls her eyes again, "Wow, you really are dumb. They tell you right in the song, it's EIEIO."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

I just rolled a joint...

Now my ankle hurts

The general couldn't find his armies...

...So he rolled up his sleevies

This year, I tried to smoke a turkey.

But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

Two hunters walk into the woods....

One of them trips over, he's not breathing and his eyes have rolled back into their sockets. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The lady on the line asks what's wrong.

"Help, help! I think my friend is dead!"says the hunter.

"Calm down, take a breather, help will be with you shortly. First you need to make sure that he is dead"says the woman.

There is a silence, then a gunshot Is heard.
The hunter goes back on the phone and says "okay, now what?"

Do you know there is a serial number printed on every condom?

I guess you haven't rolled it down far enough.

The chicken and the egg were lying in bed after having sex...

The chicken sighed happily, fluffed the pillows, and lit up a cigarette. The egg frowned and then rolled over in bed. "Well I guess that answers *that* question." he muttered.

A blonde walked into a library

Wait that's not the whole joke!

And she asked the librarian, Do you have pasta?
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, Miss, this is library.
The blonde whisper, Do you have pasta?

Another blonde joke

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated.
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said-I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude.
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!
As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled-Yes, Yes, I Won.. I Won..
She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.
The dealers gazed at each other,dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
What number rolled on the dice?
The other-I don't know,I thought you were watching.
Moral of the story..
1.Not All drunks are Drunk.
2.Not all Blondes are dumb,
3.But all Men are Men!!! πŸ˜‰

Why did the cows have to flee the farm's cannabis field?

Because the steaks were high when the pigs rolled in...

Do you know that condoms have serial numbers on them?

No? I guess you haven't rolled them down all the way.

A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky with his girlfriend, she rolled her eyes as he excitedly disrobed. "Do you think you're going to do anything with those 2 inches?"

"What do you mean? Behold! I'm excited to announce the new and improved 2 inch PLUS!"

I was having trouble getting to sleep last night

After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".

Couch was comfy.

A man was out of gas on the side of the road...

A man was pulled over on the side of the road, out of gas and stranded. He rolled down his window and a bee flew in. It landed on his dashboard and asked, "Why are you pulled over?"

"I'm out of gas", said the man.

"Alright, just wait right here", said the bee. It flew away and returned a few minutes later with a whole swarm of bees. The bees flew into his gas tank and, a few minutes later, flew back out. "Try it now", said the bee.

The man turned his keys in the ignition and the car started. "Wow!", he exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"

The bee replied, "BP"

I had a wonderful childhood. I remember the summer of 1992, my dad put me in a tire and rolled me down a big hill.

It was a Goodyear.

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, Mother, what is this?

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, I have not idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, Go get your father.

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,"What is this thing father?"

The father responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."

While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,"Go get your mother."

Men will be Men

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated 😎

She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice .

She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."

With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-
"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled - "Yes, Yes,
I Won.. I Won.."

She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.

The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-
"What number rolled on the dice?"
The other - "I don't know, I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story:

1.Not All drunks are Drunkο˜‰,
2.Not all Blondes are dumb,
3.But all Men are Men!!!

Grandmother's Pistol

My grandmother got pulled over for speeding. She rolled down her window and talked to the cop. He asked for her registration, and she said,
"Sure, i'll give it to you, but i want to warn you, I've got a Colt 45 in the glovebox."
As he reviewed her licence and reg, the cop asked her about any other weapons she had.
She admitted she had 2 other revolvers- one under her seat and one in her purse.
"3 pistols in your car!" said the cop, "What are you so afraid of?"
She said, "I am not afraid of anything!"

(did i read this here?)

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

I got pulled over by a lady police..

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, then she replied "NOTHING"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes