Roll Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt

He's high on my list of priorities

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.


It took me three hours.

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!

So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an...

But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting stoned.

I fondly remember our childhood when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire.

Those were the Good Years.

I don't always roll a joint...

...but when I do, it's an ankle.

I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up.

Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.

LPT: Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

Roll call on the first day of school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ............................."Here."

Mustafa Al Sheriah ............................"Here."

Fatima El Bindihiri ............................."Here."

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ............................."Here."

Ali Sun Al En ..........................No answer.

Ali Sun Al En?

A little girl at the back stands up and yells .... "It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake!"

I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...

...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

The word nun is just the letter n...

...doing a forward roll.

**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

How do you get a Jewish Girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve!

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

What do you call a gay drive by?

A Fruit roll up

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

LPT for College: Laminate your notes so your tears roll off of them.

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

because that's how I roll

Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."

The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom.
As told by my 5 y/o cousin.

I don't regularly roll a joint, but when I do...

it's usually my ankle.

Bubble wrap

I asked my boss "where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?"

And he replied "just pop it in the corner"

4 f*cking hours it took me!

I had a happy childhood

my Dad would put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

Burritos are like blunts

If you cant roll, get a bowl

Lil piggy is sick

A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"

Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."

One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"

"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"

The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."

They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.

For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"

The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the strip. The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches..

But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll.

Sometimes I put my head between my legs and fall forward.

Thats how I roll.

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

I don't care what anyone says about Neymar faking hurt

he's still my roll model!

Why are eye jokes worse than toe jokes?

Because toe jokes may be cheesy, but eye jokes are cornea.
(Biology students roll up)

However, they're still full of humour.

As it's May 4th, here are two Star Wars jokes.

What is the most popular music on Endor?

Ewok and Roll.

Why did Vader know what Luke had given him for Christmas?

He had felt his presents.

*I'll get my coat*

What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi?

The Honor Roll.

A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert...

"Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization." One of them suggested. They all agreed it was a good idea.

"I'll take the hood," said the first, "This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."

"I'll take the wheels," said the second, "In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."

"I'll take the door." Said the last, "If I get hot I can simply roll down the window."

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,

"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."

God doesn't laugh.

The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Jack and Oscar.

The three men had always done everything together.

Jack arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Jack said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Jack said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Oscar in to confirm the identity of the body.

Oscar looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Oscar said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Oscar said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her funeral...

She would roll over in her ditch.

I went to the doctor after I swallowed a roll of film

He said we should wait and see if anything develops

A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down...

It was a pad bun.

Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We'll just lose...

Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:

-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?

And he says:

-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

Bad puns

That's how eye roll.

This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeahβ€”how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

So the other day I got pulled over by a policeman with Alzheimer's…

He made me roll the window down and says, "Do I know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Uhhh, you owe me 20 bucks?"

He pulled me over three more times, and I made $80 that day.

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

Sometimes when I'm alone in my room

I squat down, grab hold of my ankles and lean forward. Coz that's how I roll.

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill.

BONUS: How do you make French Wine?

Invade.

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

Sometimes I squat...

...and pull my legs up to my chest and lean forward.

Why?

That's how I roll.

My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it...

That's just how I roll.

Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes, "I think the book was better"

A man approaches a stop sign...

.. and as he usually does, he slows down a good bit, then continues rolling through the stop sign, without stopping completely.

An officer sees the man roll through the stop sign and pulls him over. The cop, in typical fashion, asks him, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" as the man gets out of the car.

"Officer, there's a stop sign there, and I know I didn't stop but I slowed down!"

The officer, without hesitation, pulls out his baton and starts beating the man mercilessly, and says, "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one Who are you? The creature responds We're Trids! We just go up the hill, as they point to a hill in the distance, and a giant kicks us down! The rabbi is curious, and treks all the way to the top of the hill, where he sees the giant. He sees Trids being kicked down the hill while laughing hysterically. The rabbi asks the giant, Can I get a kick? That looks fun! to which the giant responds, Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!

My wife taught the car a new trick

Who knew they could roll over...

a penguin is driving through Texas when ...

... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"

Where is the serial number on a condom?

Never had to roll it down that far, huh?

Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter.

They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "Mr. President, take down your trousers."

Obama looks horrified. "We owe him THAT MUCH!!!"

I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.

I was then removed from the funeral.

Threw myself down a hill the other day

No real reason for it, it's just the way I roll.

What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag?

A fruit roll up

A man and his wife...

Are walking through the park when some grey clouds roll in. As the clouds open and water falls, the wife says, "Well isn't this a nice mist dear?" "Actually honey, it's rain," replies the husband. So they argue whether it's rain or mist for a little before the husband says, "You know what, how about we ask my communist friend Dolph? He is a little mean but he knows his rain."

So they go together to Dolph's house and the his and asks him, "Dolph, is this rain or mist?" "Why it's obviously rain you idiot, now go away!" Dolph exclaims

So as they're walking home, the husband says, "See, I told you rude dolph the red knows rain dear."

Bad puns

That's how eye roll

I just rolled a joint...

Now my ankle hurts

What are the funniest roll jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Roll? Well, here are the best Roll puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Roll pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes