Roll Jokes

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

How do you get a Jewish Girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve!

I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up.

Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.

Sometimes when I'm alone in my room

I squat down, grab hold of my ankles and lean forward. Coz that's how I roll.

Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

So the other day I got pulled over by a policeman with Alzheimer's…

He made me roll the window down and says, "Do I know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Uhhh, you owe me 20 bucks?"
He pulled me over three more times, and I made $80 that day.

What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag?

A fruit roll up

So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an...

But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting s**....

Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:
-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?
And he says:
-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

Sometimes I squat...

...and pull my legs up to my chest and lean forward.
Why?
That's how I roll.

A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down...

It was a pad bun.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.

My grandmother would roll over.

My grandmother would roll over in her trench if she knew how much I spent on her f**....

This guy goes through the checkout line of the grocery store…

and he's got, like, a stack of frozen dinners, a six-pack of beer, a big 'ol bag of chips, and a single roll of toilet paper.
The cute checkout girl says, "Well, I know *you're* single!"
The guy says, "Well, yeah—how'd you guess?"
She says, "You're ugly."

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill.
BONUS: How do you make French Wine?
Invade.

A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.

When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"
Got this one from my grandpa.

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

Sometimes I put my head between my legs and fall forward.

Thats how I roll.

I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...

...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

Where is the serial number on a c**...?

Never had to roll it down that far, huh?

LPT: Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off.

Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes, "I think the book was better"

LPT for College: Laminate your notes so your tears roll off of them.

Did you know that each c**... has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

I just rolled a joint...

Now my ankle hurts

**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches..

But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll.

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

I went on a date with a girl in a wheelchair...

I stood her up, and thats when she fell for me, now were on a roll, I just have to figure out how to ramp it up in the bedroom.

I don't always roll a joint...

...but when I do, it's an ankle.

What's a straight-A student's favorite type of sushi?

The Honor Roll.

Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

I went to the doctor after I swallowed a roll of film

He said we should wait and see if anything develops

I don't regularly roll a joint, but when I do...

it's usually my ankle.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.

The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."
The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."

Lil piggy is sick

A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

because that's how I roll

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

3 guys are driving in the desert and their car breaks down...

Their destination is 2 days away on foot, so the guys decide to take pieces of the car so they don't die.
First guy says "I'll take the radiator, we can drink the water from this"
Second guy says "I'll take the hood of the car, it will give us shade"
Third guy says "I'll take the door, I can roll the window down if it gets too hot"

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

The word nun is just the letter n...

...doing a forward roll.

Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

I fondly remember our childhood when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire.

Those were the Good Years.

Optimus Prime: Autobots, roll out!

Pessimus Prime: Why? We'll just lose...

I don't care what anyone says about Neymar faking hurt

he's still my roll model!

My wife taught the car a new trick

Who knew they could roll over...

Burritos are like blunts

If you cant roll, get a bowl

I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.

I was then removed from the f**....

If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her f**......

She would roll over in her ditch.

Did you hear about the k**... baker?

He was into roll play.

Threw myself down a hill the other day

No real reason for it, it's just the way I roll.

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward...

...because that's how I roll

Every time Schrodinger is misquoted he might roll over in his grave

Or not

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

If you're concerned about your new partner's s**... history, and you don't want to catch g**... warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll?

Seasoning

Cowboys don't roll joints

They tumble w**...

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"
After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!
They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..
and that's when you raise your arms and exclaim, "It's a ***TIE***!!"

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him off the Alps.