rocking chairs Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious rocking chairs puns

Secret to Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

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Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

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Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

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60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"

She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"

They continue to rocking on the porch.

A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"

Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

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A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...

...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking.

A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps.

"And just what the hell what was THAT for?" she demands.

"For knowing the difference."

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" she replies.
The old man rocks for a while longer then reaches out and smacks then old woman, send her and her chair sprawling.
The old woman gingerly gets herself up, rights the chair and sits down.
"What the hell was that for?" she demands.
The old man glares at her and growls, "For knowing the fucking difference."

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The farmer and his wife

A farmer's wife is sitting in her bedroom knitting quietly in her rocking chair. The farmer comes through door with a sheep under his arm and says "Look here, this is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood". The farmer's wife looks up and says "You are some kind of idiot! That there is a sheep!" The farmer replies "Well, I wasn't talking to you!"

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An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now, said the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich.
*POOF* Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.
*POOF* She turned into a beautiful young woman.


Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asked.
*POOF*

And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear,

Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

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Old couple is sitting on the front porch

Old couple is sitting on the front porch. Grandpa is sitting on the bench reading the newspaper, grandma is in a rocking chair knitting. They have been together since prom night. *Grandma seems angry, gets up from the chair goes to grandpa and slaps him so hard he drops the newspaper, his glasses fall on the porch breaking the lens in it.*

Grandpa seems more offended than angry and ask grandma:

*\- Why did you do this?*

grandma replies:

*\- Because throughout the 50 years of our marriage sex with you was awful!*

Grandpa picks up the newspaper from the ground, fumbles with his lens. After about a minute, *grandpa gets off the bench walks to grandma and kicks out the rocking chair of grandma.* Grandma falls into the flowerbed, sweeps the dirt from her hair and asks grandpa:

*\- Are you out of your mind old fart? What did you this for?*

grandpa replies:

*\- How do you know what good sex is?!*

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Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *POOF* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *POOF* She turns into a beautiful young woman.

Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *POOF* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!

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Well isn't that nice.

Two old southern ladies, Ethel and Edith, are sitting in rocking chairs on a porch. Ethel says, "When I married my husband, he bought me this here rocking chair."

Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."

They rock in silence for a moment, then Ethel says, "And when I had my first child, my husband bought me this here house."

Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."

After another moment where they rock back and forth in silence, Ethel says, "And when my child had her first holy communion, my husband bought me this here plantation."

Edith says, "Well isn't that nice."

More rocking in silence. Finally Ethel says, "And what did your husband do for you?"

Edith says, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school?" says Ethel. "And what did they teach you in charm school?"

Edith says, "They taught me that instead of saying 'Fuck you,' you say, 'Well isn't that nice.'"

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My favorite dad joke that I've only gotten to tell three times

You know how as kids get older, someone always says "It feels like just yesterday he/she was born"? Well...

I have three kids. The day after my first was born, I was holding him in the hospital rocking chair, and this joke just kind of popped into my head.

I looked up at my wife and said "Honey, he looks so big already." She smiled. I looked back down at my son with tears of love in my eyes and said, "It feels like just yesterday he was born."

She rolled her eyes at me and groaned.

I have a vasectomy now, so sadly I will no longer be able to tell this joke.

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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he passed a house with an old woman in a rocking chair on the porch. When she noticed what was happening she burst into laughter. The man stopped and said, "Madam, if you were a lady you would not be laughing." Once the woman could control her laughter, she replied, "If you were a gentleman, you would tip your hat!"

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"Grandpa what are you doing?"

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

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Two old men and a dog...sitting on a porch.

Two old men were sitting in rocking chairs on a porch.
There was an old hound dog laying between them; the dog was licking its balls.
One old man looked at the other and said "Boy, I sure do wish I could do that!"
The other old man replied "That dog will bite you!"

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A young woman's car broke down in the deep South.

She realized that there was no way to get back to the city that night, so she walked over to the nearest farm house and asked the man there if she could stay over for the night.

The farmer scratched his head and said, "Well, I sure don't see no problem with this, just don't bother my two sons Joe Bob and Billy."

The woman assured him that she wouldn't, but that night she snuck into the boys' shared room and said, "Hey boys, want to have some fun?" They, being teenage boys, readily agreed.

The girl first held up two condoms and said, "Now boys, before we get started, you both gotta put on a rubber. I don't want to be getting pregnant, now!" They both complied and the threesome had sex all night long. The woman left the next day, and they never saw each other again.

Twenty years later, Joe Bob and Billy sat on their rocking chairs on the porch. Joe Bob turned to Billy.
"Billy?"

"Yeah Joe Bob?"

"Remember that fine lady that visited us that one time?"

"Sure do."

"Do you care if she gets pregnant?"

"Sure don't."

"Me either. Let's take these danged things off."

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Rocking Sex

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For 300 bucks I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for 500 bucks I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled 500 note and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want it five times in the rocking chair!"

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A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, she said. What's your secret for a long, happy life?
I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.
That's amazing, the woman said. How old are you?
Thirty-six.

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A black man gets lost on an indian reservation

So he stops at an old general store for directions. Upon pulling up to the store he is met by an old, wise Najavo man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. He approaches the man and asks "excuse me, but how do I get back onto the interstate?"

The old sage thinks for a moment, and in traditional Najavo style he points with his lips instead of his hands. "Go down that road, take a left, past the barn. Ya can't miss it"

The black man smiles and decides to play along. "I get it. Down that road, left, past the barn", he says proudly, pointing with his lips.

"No", replies the indian. "Not that far".

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No Pants Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... so this was your Grandma's idea."

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An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" she cries.

"That's for knowing the difference!"

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A scientist is driving around the countryside looking for elderly test subjects to measure how people live longer.

She comes across a dilapidated cabin with a very old and worn-out man sitting in the rocking chair on his front porch.

The scientist approaches the man and says pardon me, sir, but what's your secret to long life?

The man says I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, drink chocolate milk for breakfast and eat burgers for lunch and dinner, and I wash it all down with a swig of hard liquor .

Wow! exclaims the scientist. Exactly how old are you?

26.

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In Vermont an old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, quietly smoking a pipe.

A tourist who is staying at a nearby B&B passes by every day for a week, and whenever he passes, the man is just sitting there in his rocking chair quietly smoking his pipe.

One day the tourist cannot refrain from asking the old man: "Say, have you been sitting here all your life, doing nothing but smoking your pipe?"

Says the old man: "Not yet!"

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Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

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The four kids....

The four kids sat on four different chairs in front of the principal looking rather sad.

Why did you get sent here? asked the principal to the boy sitting far right.

I threw rock into the water.

Okey, that's a weird reason for your teacher to send you here responded the principal as he turned his head towards the second boy what about you?

I also threw rock into the water. answered the second boy.

The principal looked surprised and turned towards the third boy, whom also said that he threw rock into the water.

Finally the principal faced towards the last and fourth boy.

Let me guess, you also got sent here for throwing a rock?

No said the fourth boy I am Rock

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An old man and old lady were in their rocking chairs watching the sunset.

when the old lady picked up her cane and knocked the old man out of his chair and off the porch. He dusted his self off and sat back down in his chair.

What was that for? he asked.

For having such a small pecker all these years, she replied.

They sat in silence for a while, when the old man picked up his cane and knocked the old lady out of her chair and off the porch. She dusted herself off and sat back down in her chair.

what was that for? she asked

For knowing the difference! he replied

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My best friend's a rocking chair...

...we go way back.

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Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

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The Rolling Stones are so old.....

that nowadays only their chairs are rocking.

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An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo.

A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

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A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

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Someone told me I was off my rocker.

And they were right! I shoulda stayed in that damn rocking chair

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What are the most funny Rocking Chairs jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Rocking Chairs? Well, here are the best Rocking Chairs dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Rocking Chairs pick up lines to share with friends.

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