Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Robbery Jokes and Friends
Why arent any Usain Bolts in swimming
You dont swim from a robbery do you ?
Daylight robbery...
I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said, "Yeah, pump 6."
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
In a small town in the middle of nowhere...
Recently, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a crime occurred which totally perplexed the local authorities. It seems that somehow, in a daring daylight robbery, an unidentified perpetrator managed to sneak into the crowded police station and systematically steal all of the toilets.
The cops have nothing to go on.
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
My dad's favourite joke.
This is the joke that my dad has been telling for as long as I can remember:
A robber goes into a McDonald's and points a gun at the cashier. "This is a robbery. Give me all the money!" The cashier looks at him with a blank stare and says: "Would you like fries with that?"
Bank robbery
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that s**... gun anyway."
If a tree farm is planted next to a cornfield ...
and over time grows to steal sunlight from the cornfield, would that be farmed robbery?
There are a lot of tasteless criminal acts these days.
But bakery robbery really takes the cake.
There was a robbery at the Police station.
There was a robbery at my local Police Station the other day. The thieves stole the toilet seat and the cops don't have anything to go on... There's just a big hole now and the cops are looking into it!
Bank Robbery
A group of thugs bust into a bank. The bank is closed but there is a night watchmen watching the cameras. The thugs all find the vault and crack it open, revealing not money, but yogurt in little dishes. They all find this strange, but one t**... says,
"We might as well eat it."
It's a s**... bank.
You can explore robbery bank reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean robbery thief dad jokes. There are also robbery puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
In the process of robbing a bank, a robber's mask came off
He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to a man, who just happened to be in the bank at the time of the robbery, then he asked if the man saw his face.
The man replied with, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."
Textile Mill Heist
Earlier today police apprehended a criminal who had loaded an industrial-sized loom and 10 cubic meters of wool onto a truck in an attempted robbery of a local textile factory.
Police became suspicious of the truck when they noticed the driver weaving all over the road.
An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....
A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of s**... crimes...
But this one really takes the cake.
There was a robbery in Antarctica, but it was stopped. There was even a party to celebrate
Justice was served
What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream?
Grand Theft Gelato
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
This is a robbery
In some firm, two masked thieves enter:
-This is a robbery
The accountant, relieved:
-Thank GOD, I thought it was the IRS.
Not guilty
p**... went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted p**.... "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
What do you call a m**... robbery?
A high-st
Police have arrested a cat for robbery
Guess they've identified the purrpetrator
Did you hear about the rash of manhole cover thefts?
They're calling it the Great Drain Robbery
If I ever get a dog, I'll name her Robbery
When I get to store, I'll tell "Get down, Robbery". Dog lies and the whole store too.
During a bank robbery
The robber asks the first person in line if they just saw how he robbed the bank.
"Well, obviously I did, I mean it's not that I'm blind or anything" the man says and BOOM the robber shoots him dead.
"And you, did you just witness this robbery?" he asks another man in the line.
"No, I didn't, but my wife here did!"
Did you hear about the robbery at the bakery?
The guy ab*scone*ded after the crime.
I'll see myself out...
I'm going away for life because of armed robbery.
I can finally afford my dream ski house in Switzerland
What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?
well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings
Robbery
Yesterday, a Walmart manager was robbed outside of a gas station. Robbers took $19.95 of his money
I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.
My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...
Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.
The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.
I said "This is Huawei robbery!"
There was a robbery at the pet store today
It was a dog-gone catastrophe.
I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago
Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony
Daylight robbery
I started carrying a concealed revolver after an attempted robbery a while back.
Since then my robberies have been a lot more successful.
Why do they call it grave robbery . . .
and not skullduggery?
Bank robbery suspect
A bank in Manhattan was robbed by a n**... woman yesterday.
"It is likely she'll never be caught" said Police "No one could remember her face."
A man calls the police station to report a house robbery
Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry!
Operator: how do you know he is Asian?
Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway!
If you are planning a robbery on a place that makes m**... sausage...
Are you casing the joint casing joint?
If you see a robbery happen at an Apple store, what are you?
An iWitness
I saw a robbery at the Apple store yesterday.
I guess that makes me an iWitness.
I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.
Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
It should be fair
A lawyer argued in court...
If physical intimacy with a wife requires her consent and without consent it is termed as r**..., then shopping without the husband's consent should be charged in court as robbery.
What do you call it when you steal your roommates protein powder while s**...?
High Whey Robbery
Robbery
A robber walks up to a teller in a bank and says "Give me the money or you're geography"
The teller, confused, says "Don't you mean you're history?"
The robber says "Don't change the subject!"
I saw a robbery at an Apple store
I'm the only iWitness
What do you call a bank robbery planned by Jesus?
A Christ Heist
A peanut got arrested for robbery
The police busted a nut.
How did the b**... n**... blonde get away with a bank robbery?
No one could remember her face
What do you call a person that commits a robbery with his bare hands?
An armed robber..
It's so great people are protesting ICE
It's highway robbery how much they put in sodas.
A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,
one armed and dangerous.
If you see a robbery at the Apple store...
... does that make you an iWitness?
Civilian: Detective! There's been a robbery at my apartment!
Detective: What did they take?
Civilian: The TV, the music system, all the cash from my locker, the mini fridge, my most expensive bottle of champagne!
Detective: What was the point of entry?
Civilian: I guess they wanted to get rich
I saw a robbery going on at the Apple store across the street.
I guess now I'm an iWitness
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
Yesterday I had a picture framed
Now is doing time upstate for armed robbery.
A disordered protein is found brutally murdered. It looks like just another random robbery gone wrong.
A cop looks at the scene and laments:
"It's a crime without motif"
Did you hear about all the smartphones that got stolen from a semi stalled on the interstate?
It was Huawei robbery.
A man who was brain damaged witnessed a robbery.
When the police came, they asked him what he saw. The man just stood there.
Sir, the policeman said, tell us what you saw.
I cannot remember.
A man is on trial for armed robbery...
The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his t**... and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?
In the news...
There was a robbery at a local hair salon. The police are combing the area.
My picture got framed the other day...
Now it's upstate doing time for armed robbery.
Light robbery
A man came home completely delighted when he realised someone had stole the light bulbs
A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.
Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.
Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.
Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00
Balance: £0.00
Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?
Me: No, what?
Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff
Me: Oh my god, what stuff?
Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns
Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?
The robbery was a bust.
My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.
Now he's Juanted
The thief pulled out his gun, pointed it at the art gallery manager and said
"This is a robbery, give me all your monet!"
Last week I got a picture framed
Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent
During an armed robbery at a bank, one teller hissed and whispered to the next teller.
"Here are the 100 bucks I owe you."
My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.
Dirty b**....
I saw a robbery at an apple store today.
They interviewed me because I was an iWitness.
Have you heard of the robbery at the donut store?
I heard that the robbers left with buns glazing
There was a robbery in the laundry room.
Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
Me: I know p**... hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
**Bank Teller:** So— is this not a robbery?
**Me:** No, It is.
If you see a robbery at Apple store
If you see a robbery at Apple store,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It will make you an iWitness
A perfect robbery
Three men are being chased by the police after robbing a store
They find a barn and run into quick, where they find 3 barrels
They each jump into a barrel
The police come into the barn and tap on each barrel
On the first barrel the officer taps
He hears "woof woof"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a dog"
On the second barrel, the officer taps tree times
He hears "meow, meow"
The officer says "it's ok, it's just a cat"
On the third barrel, the officer taps again
This time he hears "PO-TAY-TO"
The officer says "it's just an Irish parrot"
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
2 Russians are robbing a bank...
2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"
Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"
Woman: "Sofia"
Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."
Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."
Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"
Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"
Gas station robbery
First off…I am ok. I was just robbed at the Shell station in Tampa. After my hands stopped shaking, I managed to call the Sheriff, they were quick to respond and calmed me down. My money is gone, the police asked me if I knew who did it. I said yes, it was pump number 5.
I was just saw a robbery at the Apple Store
The police needed me to give a statement as an iwitness
What do you call a 4 foot psychic that got away with robbery?
A small medium at large
In the middle of a bank robbery, a guy with no arms walks right in and says
Dont shoot. Im unarmed.
Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…
STOLLEN STOLEN!!
So a Police officer in Mexico got a call about a train robbery...
He showed up after the suspect fled.
After interviewing everyone, he found nothing was taken and was quite perlexted. The man must of had a real loco motive.
Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea
All I got was 6 years for armed robbery.
