Roast Jokes

What are some Roast jokes?

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

 

 

*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

Trump's ego is so big...

Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

Willpower

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?

$7.98. said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth. As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!

What do you put in a toaster joke

Spell roast five times, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t, r-o-a-s-t.
What do you put in a toaster?
I usually put bread in a toaster.

There were a few sandwiches sitting on the table...

Although they were quite small, they looked absolutely titillating. The sign near them said they were free, so why not?

I grabbed a roast beef one, bit into it, and suddenly I heard a little voice telling me how good I looked, and how well I was dressed. I shortly realized it was coming from the sandwich. Confused, I grabbed another sandwich, this time ham and cheese. Same thing. It was telling me how nice I smell and how my hair is very well styled. Although very nice to hear, I was dumbfound. After all, how can a sandwich talk? Whatever.

I then noticed another tray of sandwhiches...but kind of out of view. I walked over and man...these looked like the best things ever made. I picked one up, but the moment I laid hands on it, it started cursing at me, called me ugly, fat, etc. Taken aback, I tossed the sandwich down and went to one of the caterers.

"What is wrong with these sandwiches? The first two I had were very nice and friendly...but the third was very rude and disrespectful..."

The caterer responded, "Oh, only the first two trays were complimenttray..."

I've always enjoyed the mind control jokes. Do you know any?

Here's a couple of my favorites:

Ask someone to:
Spell "roast."
Spell "coast."
Spell "most."

Then ask them: What do you put in a toaster?

(The answer, is "bread.")

Another: What does M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D spell? (MacDonald)
What does M-A-C-G-R-E-G-O-R spell? (MacGregor)
What does M-A-C-H-I-N-E-R-Y spell? (machinery, not Mac Hinery)

One more that always worked for me:

Point at a piece of paper and ask "what color is that?"
Answer: "white"
Spell "silk"
Now ask: "what do cows drink?"
They usually answer "milk!"
No, they drink water!

What are our names?

A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest were at a communal dinner when a dish of roast pork was served.

The priest leaned into the rabbi's ear and whispered, "You planning on eating that buddy?"

The rabbi chuckled and replied, "Not today. But I'm definitely planning to have some at your wedding."

A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"

The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"

To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"

I went to my in-laws for dinner

An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.

I told her "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"

This one takes some thinking.

A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It's an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each type of food.

As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, and the gravy line. Finally he brings back two full plates of food.

What would you like to drink? he asks.

A glass of punch would be nice, she says. So he goes to get it. He scouts around and finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. But after a while he gives up and goes back to his table.

My son came out to me yesterday. I'm so disappointed.

I love my son, but this is tearing me up inside. I always thought I would be able to handle something like this, but this really is tough. It impacts so much of our relationship and family time. I mean, I had planned this big family dinner Sunday evening. (I smoked an awesome roast pork, I was so excited.) But I had to cancel it because of his choice. And it IS a choice. I don't know what to do at this point. Seriously, how have any of you handled your child going vegan?

No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.

The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.

The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.

The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….

What do you call it when two high people get in an argument?

A pot roast.

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

A hen is having a talk with its chick

Chick: Why do humans get names but we don't? We are only called hens, or chickens or roosters.

Hen: Well, WE might not get names but when we die, we have many names. Humans on the other hand, are only called zombies or ghosts.

Chick: What are we called when we die then?

Hen: Names such as, curry chicken, roast chicken, fried chicken..

What kind of coffee do Siths drink?

Darth roast.

My wife is angry because I brought home a B.L.T. instead of a roast beef sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

So my friend invites me to a post-bullfight meal...

As we were waiting for the waiter, my friend praised her favourite dish. "They take the testicles, and roast them in a garlic sauce with cayenne pepper. They're always amazing."

So I'm thinking, 'Bull testicles...well, we have rocky mountain oysters back home. Might as well.'

The waiter arrives with our lunch, and each plate has one tiny, grape-sized sphere.

"Are these the bull testicles?" I asked the waiter quizzically.

"No, senor," the waiter smiled, "the bull doesn't always lose."

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

A hot dog walks into a bar

The bartender says, "We don't serve sandwiches here."

The hot dog says, "That's ok. I came for the roast beef."

A lady is shopping for a big family dinner

She goes to the market to get a turkey to roast, but she can't find one that is large enough to feed her entire family. She finds an employee and asks "Excuse me sir, do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No ma'am, I'm sorry... they're dead."

So the presidential debate is tonight.

Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.

Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey?

The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Have you heard the joke about Oprah's new line at Starbucks?

It's a warm, comforting, medium-dark roast.

Guest at a restaurant!

Guest at a restaurant: I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!

Waiter: That's no use. He won't eat it either.

What flavor of coffee is name for Joan of Arc?

French Roast

A man took his date to a local country club.

When they arrived, he told her to sit down and he would go fetch their food.

Well, at this country club, there were different lines for everything. He went and stood in the pot roast line. Then the vegetable line, the bread line, the gravy line, and the salt and pepper line.

Finally, he returned with two heaping plates of food. He then asked her what she would like to drink. "Some fruit punch would be nice," she replied.

So he went back. He walked all over the club for around an hour, with no luck. There was a wine line, a water line, and even a chocolate milk line. After having no luck, he returned to the table empty-handed.

There's no punch line.

What's the difference between roast beef and forest fires?

Anyone can roast beef but only YOU can prevent forest fires.

So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.

When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.

He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lot of recycled content."

Why didn't Joan of Arc ever poke fun at her friends?

Because she knew they'd roast her

Roast beef on French roll

Oops wrong sub.

^Make ^that ^black ^forest ^ham ^on ^italian

What does a cannibal call a stoner?

A Pot Roast.

How To Roast A Chicken

"You have chicken legs"

They should roast Tom Cruise sometime...

Call it the Cruise-ifixion

What's the best shape to roast?

A rektangle

Mum got mad when she asked me to roast a chicken for tea

Apparently "Yo mumma so fat they call her chicken *BIG*" wasn't an acceptable response.

What's it called when you insult a police officer?

A pig roast...

What does the ghost like on his roast beef?

grave-y

gravy

Someone I know died and is being cremated

May he roast in peace

I realized I was addicted to roast beef sandwiches

So I went cold turkey.

What did the stoner have for dinner?

A pot roast

What would a suicidal cannibal say ?

Roast me

Guy goes into a deli

He looks over the menu:

Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
Handjob: $250

He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the handjob?"

"I do!" She says with a smile!

"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"

I’ve only just noticed this hand.

β€œIs it someone saying, β€˜You’ll regret this photograph?”

That’s Prince Andrew’s hand!

Need help roasting a fellow homecoming candidate

Hey guys! For my school I was elected a homecoming candidate. For the pep assembly, we're supposed to write funny but school appropriate jokes about my walking partner and I figured I'd enlist the merits here. I'll describe her for you:

Medium height.
Kind of a ditzy and flirty blonde hair girl.
Captain of the dance team.
Wears a lot of pink.
Sort of think the blonde on Mean Girls. (not the mean one but the ESPN weather girl)
Family ruthlessly collects Wizard of Oz stuff

If I could get just one or two solid school-appropriate zingers for the assembly I'll be happy.

Ex of format: "J is the daughter of a tree and Bob Marley. She's been a member of the Bieber stalking club for 3 years, etc"

How to make Roast jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Roast to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Roast? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Roast pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes