Road Closed Jokes
35 road closed jokes and hilarious road closed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about road closed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Road Closed Short Jokes
Short road closed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The road closed humour may include short road block jokes also.
- I was so close to buying my dream car, I just had one final question for the salesman Cargo space? I asked
After a second of confusion, he replies: Car no do that. Car go road. - I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Did you find that funny?
Well neither did the chicken because the shop was closed. - Uber Driver : "I am close, where are you?" Uber Driver : "I am close, where are you?"
Me : "Oh, I see you"
Uber Driver : "Are you that guy in the middle of the road?"
Me : "yeah floor it" - Descartes is sitting in a bar Bartender: Hey buddy, it's closing time. Can I get you one for the road?
Descartes: I think not
And p**...! He disappears.
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Road Closed One Liners
Which road closed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with road closed? I can suggest the ones about road construction and traffic jam.
- Why didn't the one handed man cross the road? Because the second hand store was closed.
- What do you call an egret that got too close to the road? A rEgret
- I finally found an onramp for the road to success!!!! It was closed for construction.
- The psychic shop down the road closed down... They never saw that one coming
Road Closed Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about road closed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cross the road jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make road closed pranks.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had s**... heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course...
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,
He opened a furniture shop & a l**... shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 p**....
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no p**...
I made $300,000.. ...
Two men are playing golf.
One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Two men are playing a round of golf.
The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a f**... cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.
'Wow' says his friend, 'That was very respectful.'
'I suppose so' says the first man, 'Mind you, I was married to her for 40 years.'
A doctor and a lawyer met with an accident....
A doctor and a lawyer in 2 cars collide on a country road.
The lawyer seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts and has a couple of generous sips and hands it back to the lawyer, who closes it and puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave."
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?
A red headed baker is robbing a bank
As he's finishing up he hears the sirens in the distance closing in, so decides to make his getaway.
He runs out to see the police coming down the road now, he jumps into his car and a chase begins.
High speeds and a few dangerous manoeuvres later, the baker decides to make his escape on foot, he pulls over and charges off into a field.
The police retaliate but he's too quick, and as he's running they hear him yell:
Run! Run! As fast as you can! But you won't catch me!
I'm the ginger breadman!
Dating in the old days
Back when my Grandpa was courtin' (dating) my Grandma in the rural mountains of North Carolina he picked her up for their first date in his horse-drawn buggy. As they were traveling down the bumpy dirt roads his bowels began to rumble and he was struggling to keep from breaking wind. About halfway to his parent's house a storm started to blow in so he decided the next time he saw lightning he would time it and let it rip during the thunder. This worked perfectly and Grandma never knew. Soon he felt the urge again and he waited for the lightning and timed it perfectly. Wanting to make casual conversation he said to Grandma, We had better hurry, that one sounded close . Grandma said Yes, it smells like it struck a s**... .
A joke told by my Polish grandmother....
Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."
The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.
The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"
"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."
An elderly woman was driving through thick fog...
... and could barely see more than one car in front of her and couldn't see the road anywhere after. She already had slow reflexes, so she decided that to be safe, she would stay close to the car in front of her and use their taillights to stay on the road.
She does this for a little while, and eventually the car in front of her stops. A young man gets out of the car and comes up to the woman's window.
"Ma'am, can I help you?"
"Oh no, I'm fine. I was just driving close to you so I don't veer of the road."
"Well, it looks like you've been following me."
"I'm sorry that it looks that way, but I need something to help me stay on the road! So if you don't mind, can you please keep driving?"
"Hmm.. I don't think I can help you with that ."
"Why not?"
"For one, you're in my driveway. This is my house!"
(Based on a true story from my English teacher).
pint of guiness
On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
I was following an ambulance today
Going down the road with the lights on and siren blaring. We were on a highway with a high speed limit so I could keep up without being too close.
The ambulance goes around the curve ahead of us and the back door flings open. A cooler rolls out and lands on the side of the road.
I figured they would have saw it but I pulled over where it landed anyway. I got out and picked the cooler up. A little dented but still closed and intact.
I opened the cooler and found it was full of ice, and what appeared to be someone's severed toe. "Surely they noticed the door open and will come back shortly" I thought.
I waited for an hour and no sign of them so I decided to just give up waiting and call a tow truck.
So there's a guy who's favorite thing to do is run over black people with his truck.
Every time he sees a black person on the side of the road, he runs them over.
One day after church, he's walking to his car when his pastor runs up to him and asks him for a ride.
He agrees of course but he becomes worried when he realizes that he wont be able to run over black people with his truck while the pastor is there, so he comes up with a plan.
When he sees a black person he will pretend like he is falling asleep, and then violently wake up and swerve the car to the side and make it look like an accident.
Sure enough, as they're driving, he sees a black person and begins to act like hes falling asleep.
When he gets close he wakes up and swerves to the side, but misses.
"d**... i missed him" says the man.
The pastor says "Nope, got him with my door"
f**... procession
Disclaimer: Not my own... I apologize if it's been posted here before.
While going for his morning coffee one day, George notices two hearses driving down the road, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind the man walking a dog is the rest of the procession, a few hundred men following closely... all walking down the street.
A bit sheepishly, the man approaches the dog walker and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you explain what's going on here?"
The dog walker replies, "Well, my deceased wife is in the first hearse. My dog jumped up and bit her in the t**..., killing her."
"I'm so sorry to hear that... But, who's in the second hearse?"
"Well, when Rusty here killed my wife, my mother in-law jumped up and started yelling... and well, Rusty killed her, too."
"Gosh, that's horrible," George said. "But... um, do you think I can borrow ol' Rusty for a day or so?"
"Sure," the man replies, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, "Get in line!"
3 Engineers
Three engineers are driving down a country road. The engine shudders and stops, and the driver coasts the car onto the shoulder and puts the car into park.
They sit in silence for a moment before positing their theories--
The electrical engineer says, "This is definitely electrical. Probably a problem with the wiring harness--"
The mechanical engineer says, "No, no... the rattle of the engine tells me this is a combustion problem."
The software engineer replies, "Either way, the first thing we should do is get out of the car, close the doors, and get back in again..."
The Three Nuns
One day, three nuns decided to disobey their rules and walk around the convert n**.... Because the convert was visible from a road, they decided to close the blinds so no one would see them. The blinds were slightly broken so there was a single opening. the nuns decided to have one of the nuns keep watch while the other two went about their day. Later that day, a man started walking up the sidewalk to the convert. the nun on watched yelled to the others to hide. The man walked up to the window and called out to see if anyone was there. One of the nuns piped up and sayed she was, and asked what he needed. The man said that he was a blind man, looking for work. The nuns whispered to themselves, and agreed that since he was blind, they could let him in to help him. So the first nun opeded the door, still completely n**... along with the other two nuns. When the door opened, the man recoiled back in surprise. "why did you answer the door completely n**...?" he asked. Then nun was taken aback, " i thought you said you were blind!"
The man said "no, i am a BLINDS man, and i came to fix your blinds!"
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time in a magical land, there lived a snake named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nates house, there was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the myth around the was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road. When he came upon the lever, he began crossing the road so he could get a look at it. At the same moment, a truck came zooming around the corner, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the lever, and end the world or hit the snake and run him over. Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way. What's the moral of this story?
Better Nate than lever.
There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work.
The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde:
"So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies: "Yes!"
The brunette says: "Are they behind us?"
"Yes!"
"Are they close?"
"Yes!"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know!"
"Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...!