Rit Jokes
95 rit jokes and hilarious rit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Short rit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rit humour may include short jokes also.
- T' honor th' Talk like a Pirate day, wha' be a pirate's fav'rit letter? a letter of marque
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Rit Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about rit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rit pranks.
My favourite s**... position is called "WOW" ...
It's where I flip your mom over
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral
I M LIVID
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
​
Sincerely,
​
The Internet Provider
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to i**... usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
671 Hallmark movies.
If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?
1GB
'90s kids won't get this
Social security
What's Mitch McConnell's favorite movie?
Kill bill.
Kim Jong Un decided to send donald trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans
I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.
Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.
Me: Pinocchio?
Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example: airport security.
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....
We'll return him back to you.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?
Getting to vote in American elections.
In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..
After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee
What's the police's favorite gaming console?
WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is.
I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does."
What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard?
My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.
It was an autobiography...
My favorite s**... position is called "the JFK"...
She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.
In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.
One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
What is a Pirate's favorite letter?
The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
- Doesn't need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
- Has great packaging.
10 unwritten rules of this subreddit:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10:
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?
11 because it has another 1.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?
British
If I won $1.28B, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.
How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Ten. But number four will shock you.
I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.
The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.
Why didn't the ghost like to take showers?
Because it would dampen his spirits.
My favourite s**... position is called "WOW"...
Its when I flip your MOM.
All those people claiming Donald Trump is like h**... need a reality check.
After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.
For extra cash consider robbing s**... offenders.
Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.
Only downside is politicians usually have good security.
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.
I suggest he start with the prosecution.
On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, Is this normal?
He said, Not during a written exam, no.
What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking.
…
j/k…rolling.
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...
I told her it was the dude from Sesame street
She said, "He doesn't count."
I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."
(obligatory cake day joke)
When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them
In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
A writ of safe passage from his majesty, King Charles II of England.
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"
The people who write instructions for places like IKEA must be in good shape.
All that manual labor
My psychologist told me:
"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
What's Sisyphus' least favorite band?
Rolling Stones
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Customer,
Due to recent i**... activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.
-Sincerely, your ISP.
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"