The Best 79 Risk Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Risk jokes. There are some risk fewer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these risk risk management puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Risk Jokes and Puns

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter.

After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.

The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"

"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.

The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

jokes about risk

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."


I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

Risk joke, "Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as redu

I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane

They told me the risk was too big.

A recent study has shown you should NOT vaccinate kittens

It increases their risk of awww-tism

I always go for a run after sex.

Can't risk getting caught

Two men are discussing their relationships the one man says to the other "I've been married for 25 years to the same woman! I'm getting tired of the same hole"

The other man says "Well have you thought about flipping her over and trying the other hole?" Appalled the first man says "What? And risk getting her pregnant?"

You can explore risk probability reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean risk significantly dad jokes. There are also risk puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."

"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:" Why the costly option?"

Man: " Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK" !!!

LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

There I was, risking my life to save my girlfriend from a fire-breathing dragon!! And all she had to say was..

"You have a drug problem."

Risk joke, There I was, risking my life to save my girlfriend from a fire-breathing dragon!! And all she had to

"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip."

Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.

Dispatcher: Go ahead.

Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.

I once killed 19 birds with one gunshot, people asked why didn't I round up to 20

Do you really think I would risk getting caught lying just for 1 bird ?

The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]

Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"

Son: "No."

D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."

S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."

Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.


My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

A man gets a STD test from his doctor...

...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.

"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for sex?"

The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

two foreigners in america are applying for citizenship

They're lined up outside the Citizenship and immigration office, along with many others, not wanting to risk deportation now that Trump is in office.

>Guy #1: I've had enough of this waiting, save my place, I'm going to shoot Donald Trump myself.

several hours later he returns.

>Guy #2: well? did you get him?

>Guy #1: no, The line for that was even longer than the one here.

I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm?

The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beanstalk.

Risk joke, Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm?

My teacher asked me to write about a time I took a risk in life.

Apparently cocaine isn't a valid answer.

I nearly got caught stealing a board game the other day

It was a risk I was willing to take.

eeny, meeny, kanye, flo

you come to a fork in the road. the path to the left sports a sign guaranteeing a gruesome end to all trespassers. the one to the right looks clear, except for a skinny guy with a hat who freestyles rhyming insults at you. do you risk certain doom… or chance the rapper?


Why do risky people suck at origami?

Because they never fold

Today I found out that I have an additional risk factor for heart disease.

Apparently I am on an oral contraceptive.

Every time my wife is in the mood for sex, I say something stupid and suddenly she has a headache.

I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers

At risk is cross-contamination.


I asked my friend if he's ever tried putting it in the other hole.

"Are you crazy?!" He replied, "I don't want to risk getting her pregnant!".

What do hookers and tattoo artists have in common?

The minimum is $60, unless you're willing to risk catching a disease.

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

My doctor told me yesterday that I'm at high risk for either Alzheimer's or Dementia...

I can't remember which.

My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk

Hilarity ensured.

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

It is a little risky to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction from the internet. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.

My friends ask why I never come to their game nights.

I would, but there's too much Risk involved.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?

Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.

Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?

Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room

Man: That is great news. So where am I?

Nurse: Nagasaki

I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He's such a risk taker

My wife told me that if i buy another board game she will dump me

Maybe i shouldn't take that risk

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

What is the riskiest dish to order from a Japanese restaurant?

Fish of the north star.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling.

When he asked the bartender about it, the bartender said, If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are ok the house for the night. But if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next 2 hours. Do you want to try?

The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

R. Kelly has been denied bail

The judge believed he was a flight risk.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!

An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar

An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar, its about 5 in the afternoon but they start putting down drinks like no other. The dwarf not wanting to risk it and drive home decides to call his wife for a ride. He tells her "i was just with a doctor, and I'm a wee bit smashed" and she tells him "Really? I just thought you were born that way."

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

I walked into my local bank, they asked me to remove my mask..

I said there was no way I was going risk my life or theirs by exposing us to an unprotected face.

.

.

.

Then I gave them 1 minute to fill the duffle bag.

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

Why did God make pubes curly?

To reduce the risk of eye injuries

McCormick spices are at a huge risk

The company has a lot of intellectual property with its CEO, if he were to say fall down the stairs and die,

It would be a season-ending injury

Why did the judge deny the ghost bail?

Too much of a fright risk.

What is the No. 1 health risk for vegans?

....


Telling other people they are vegans

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

Hard work never killed anyone...

...but better not risk it.

A man went to confession (again)

"Forgive me, father", he said. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."


"Well, that is not a sin," said the priest


"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."


"That is not at all proper, but your lives were at risk, so you are forgiven."


"Thank you, father. But may I ask you another question?"


"Of course you can."


"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

Why aren't people allowed to bbq naked during hot, dry climates?

High risk of Bush fires.

Risky Whisky

A guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?"

The woman replies, "No, they open."

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!

Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.


After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?

The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.

Why is there such a high risk of fire at events like Wimbledon and the US Open?

There are just so many matches.

It's risky to cook barbeque and smoke weed

Because the steaks are high.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

Yesterday i went to the store for oversized boardgames

I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the risk cholesterol jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working risk hazard piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes