Risk Jokes
133 risk jokes and hilarious risk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about risk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for some laughs and some fun with risk jokes? Join us as we take a look at the riskiest jokes in town! We'll explore topics like credit risk, operational risk, risk management, risk assessment, and even a risk board game! Find out how these jokes can be both hilarious and hazardous, and learn how to measure the probability of a good laugh.
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Funniest Risk Short Jokes
Short risk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The risk humour may include short danger jokes also.
- Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
- I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday it was a risk I was willing to take
- When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
- LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror! You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.
- If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again. There's too much risk of cross contamination.
- I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane They told me the risk was too big.
- What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common They both take risks and get positive results
- I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers. When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."
- My wife told me that if i buy another board game she will dump me Maybe i shouldn't take that risk
- "Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip." Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.
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Risk One Liners
Which risk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with risk? I can suggest the ones about threat and confidence.
- Why don't vegans take risks? Because their life could be at steak.
- I know a friend who keeps stealing board games... He's such a risk taker
- If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle... why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline - I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday There was a lot of risk
- Why did the judge deny the ghost bail? Too much of a fright risk.
- Why are prisoners not allowed to have email? Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.
- R. Kelly has been denied bail The judge believed he was a flight risk.
- I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence... In life, you should take risks.
- Hard work never killed anyone... ...but better not risk it.
- Why can't pigeons have a military? Because the risk of a coup is too high
- What is the No. 1 health risk for vegans? ....
Telling other people they are vegans - What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures? A hedgehog
- At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy. Omelette au fromage.
- Hark work never killed anybody But why take the risk.
- Pilot held without bail. Judge concerned about the risk of flight.
Risk Board Game Jokes
Here is a list of funny risk board game jokes and even better risk board game puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm a kleptomaniac with a proclivity for stealing strategy board games. I like to take Risks.
- I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random... It was worth taking the risk.
- I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday... ...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.
- My mate got fired from his job recently. He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.
He was taking a lot of risks. - My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk, "Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."
- My lawyer friend loves board games... ...but he has been sad lately, ever since he started that Risk-free 30-day trial.
- I've never lost a game of Risk. I've lost a lot of pieces flipping the board over and storming out, though.
- Hear about the thief who robbed a board game store? He took a Risk and got Life.
Reducing Risk Jokes
Here is a list of funny reducing risk jokes and even better reducing risk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you reduce the risk of mesothelioma? You take caution when using insulation asbestos you can
- Why did the actuary bring a bomb onto the plane? To reduce the risk of there being a second bomb.
Increased Risk Jokes
Here is a list of funny increased risk jokes and even better increased risk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A recent study has shown you should NOT vaccinate kittens It increases their risk of awww-tism
- People who eat bacon... People who eat bacon have a higher risk of a heart attack.
People who don't have an increased risk of bringing the twin towers down. - What do African-Americans and Jews have in common? An increased risk for pancreatic adenocarcinoma.
Howlingly Hilarious Risk Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about risk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean potential jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make risk pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a s**...
Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
I changed my major from being an actuary.
I just couldn't handle the risk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The warning sign
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car
This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.
Did you hear about the accountant who daydreams about being an actuary?
He craved more risk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"m**... can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."
And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Great Medical Fact about Girls.
A glass of wine every day increases the risk of a s**.... Allow her to finish the bottle and she might s**... you off as well.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks
One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.
The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.
How did the Jamaican meteorologist report the risk of flash flooding?
"Mon, soon."
Birds can be dangerous. Do you know what's the primary risk that woodpeckers pose to women?
Splinters.
According to a new study being obese can cut your risk of dementia
Or in other words fat people are less likely to forget where the chocolate is kept
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always go for a run after s**....
Can't risk getting caught
Two men are discussing their relationships the one man says to the other "I've been married for 25 years to the same woman! I'm getting tired of the same hole"
The other man says "Well have you thought about flipping her over and trying the other hole?" Appalled the first man says "What? And risk getting her pregnant?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
I told my blond friend, that they have higher risk of cancer.
The next day she colored her hair black.
courtesy: Choke by Chuck palahniuk
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't the American girl have s**... with the Iranian boy? (offensive)
She didn't want to risk a MiddleYeast infection
Why did the black man walk backwards?
I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have s**... if there is a risk of being overheard.
Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.
There I was, risking my life to save my girlfriend from a fire-breathing dragon!! And all she had to say was..
"You have a drug problem."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once killed 19 birds with one gunshot, people asked why didn't I round up to 20
Do you really think I would risk getting caught lying just for 1 bird ?
The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]
Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"
Son: "No."
D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."
S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."
Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doing crystal m**... lowers your risk of dying from cancer…
by raising your risk of dying from crystal m**....
At first I wondered why Colin Kaepernick would risk his career by disappointing so many of his fans…
…then I realized he plays for the 49ers - their fans are used to disappointment.
What are you watching tonight?
The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the similarity between light beer and having s**... in a canoe?
They both increase the risk of drowning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets a STD test from his doctor...
...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.
"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for s**...?"
The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."
There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...
Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician is afraid of flying
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
Researchers today said food cooked too long that turns to black produces high levels of acrylamide, a cancer risk.
And I just thought my wife was a bad cook.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm?
The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beanstalk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My teacher asked me to write about a time I took a risk in life.
Apparently c**... isn't a valid answer.
eeny, meeny, kanye, flo
you come to a fork in the road. the path to the left sports a sign guaranteeing a gruesome end to all trespassers. the one to the right looks clear, except for a skinny guy with a hat who freestyles rhyming insults at you. do you risk certain doom… or chance the rapper?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do risky people s**... at origami?
Because they never fold
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I found out that I have an additional risk factor for heart disease.
Apparently I am on an o**... contraceptive.
Every time my wife is in the mood for s**..., I say something s**... and suddenly she has a headache.
A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."
Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.
The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers
At risk is cross-contamination.
I asked my friend if he's ever tried putting it in the other hole.
"Are you crazy?!" He replied, "I don't want to risk getting her pregnant!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do h**... and tattoo artists have in common?
The minimum is $60, unless you're willing to risk catching a disease.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
My wife just caught me in bed with her sister
It's a risk you take with Siamese twins.
My doctor told me yesterday that I'm at high risk for either Alzheimer's or Dementia...
I can't remember which.
Why are trees constantly paying attention to their surroundings?
Because inattentive trees risk becoming a little board.
My dad decided that he would start a business protecting famous comedy acts from financial risk
Hilarity ensured.
they say we shouldn't assume ones gender in 2018...
When did we become so risk conscious?
I'll take 50/50 odds any day!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently found out I'm a hypochondriac ...
Which totally s**... because I hear that puts me at risk for a TON of other serious diseases
What do you call a risk or a negative implication related to The Large Hedron Collider?
A concern
It is a little risky to download Come Sail Away or Satisfaction from the internet. Turn, Turn, Turn is perfectly safe however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.
My friends ask why I never come to their game nights.
I would, but there's too much Risk involved.
Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...
So who said you can't run away from your problems.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies show that lithium can significantly reduce s**... risk.
But I always want to kill myself when the battery dies
There's a bottle full of methanol in a chemistry lab...
...there's a note attached to it: "don't drink it, or else you will go blind."
The next day, the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye."
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital
Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki
What is the riskiest dish to order from a Japanese restaurant?
Fish of the north star.
Do you know why Batman didn't become a cop in spite of facing the same risk as cops?
He doesn't want to do the paperwork
I threw my electronic maths device at a criminal...
Which was a calculated risk.
An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar
An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar, its about 5 in the afternoon but they start putting down drinks like no other. The dwarf not wanting to risk it and drive home decides to call his wife for a ride. He tells her "i was just with a doctor, and I'm a wee bit smashed" and she tells him "Really? I just thought you were born that way."
Studies have shown that people with more curves have a much higher risk of catching the virus.
Scientists are working hard to flatten the curve.
