Rips Jokes
46 rips jokes and hilarious rips puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rips that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Rips Short Jokes
Short rips jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rips humour may include short rays jokes also.
- TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead
- A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots. - I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes... I still do, but I used to, too.
18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend. - I think my local garage is ripping me off... does anyone else think £500 for a tesla exhaust is a lot?
- I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I just went to the Air & Space museum. Man do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
- what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck? Jose and Jos-B
this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom - My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
- Just got this in a text from my dad. "I've just combined laxative and alaphabet soup... I call it letter rip!"
- Meatloaf (RIP) owned a private forest. At dawn every day, he would collect the condensation and drink it. I asked him if it tastes good. He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"
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Rips One Liners
Which rips one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rips? I can suggest the ones about ripper and pipes.
- Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion? CrossFit
- RIP boiling water You will be mist.
- What do you call an overpriced circumcision? A rip off.
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off.
- The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today.... ...RIP.
- Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed
- The inventor of Velcro died last week. RIP
- RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombie :(
- I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too.
RIP - My trampoline died today RIP
- R.I.P boiled water... You will be mist
- Do not buy Velcro from anyone. It's a rip off.
- Did you hear that Apple Guy died? R.I.P. Isaac Newton
- What do you get when you mix alphabet soup and laxatives? Letter rip!
- I got a cheap circumcision yesterday... It was a rip off.
Laughable Rips Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about rips you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rapper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rips pranks.
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**..., 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
3 old ladies
3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A f**... comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a s**.... The second old lady had a s**.... The third old lady couldn't reach it.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.
The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."
The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."
A v**... goes to a brothel for his first time.
The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge f**..., right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another f**..., bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."
A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.
She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling f**.... Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
A plane is about to c**......
A plane is going down and about to c**... when a woman suddenly leaps from her seat and screams,"If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman before I do!" She rips all her clothes off and screams,"Who here is man enough to make me feel like a true woman?"
A man stands up and calmly says OK. He unbuttons his shirt, takes it off, hands it to her and says,"Here. Iron this."
What do you call it when a king rips a f**...?..
Air to the throne.
Guard: Get in your cell
Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.
Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do
An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle
Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy
Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**...,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Make me feel like a woman.
The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a c**... landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
A plane is going to c**...
A woman rips her shirt off and shouts "I wanna feel like a woman one more time". A man a few rows back rips his shirt off as well and shouts "Take it, you can iron this too"
Make me feel like a woman one last time
The pilot of an aeroplane announces they're about to c**... and there is no sign of hope. Upon hearing this a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells "Is there anybody man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?" To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells "Here, iron this!"
What happens when a magician gets mad?
He rips out his hare!
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?
A plane loses power at 22,000ft, and all the passengers start to freak out. A woman yells "I can't die like this, will no man here come and make me feel like a woman?"
A man gets off his seat, rips off his shirt and says "Here
Iron this"
A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg
There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.
A Pitbull and w**... dog get into a fight.
w**... dog rips the Pitbull into shreds. Terrified Pitbull owner says: - what kind of a dog is this? - how much did you pay for it? The w**... owner says: -well, I paid $100 for a crocodile and $10000 for the plastic surgery.
3 Old ladies are sitting on a bench down at a park..
They see a man start to approach them in a long trench coat. Suddenly, he rips it open to reveal he is n**... and flashes them.
The first lady had a s**....
The second lady had a s**....
The third one couldn't quite reach.
A couple of flies are feasting on a fresh piece of p**....
One of the flies rips a big f**....
The other fly yells "Come on man, I'm eating here!!"
A German man is sitting in a waiting room.
The clock on the wall is going Tick,.....Tick,.....,Tick,.....,
Suddenly he jumps up, rips the face off the clock, bends it's hands behind it's back and says...
"Ve have vays of making you Tock!"
What do you call someone who rips you off on the web?
A .con artist.
An old couple is laying in bed...
The woman turns to the man and says "George, it's been ten years. Will you get me off?" George turns to look his wife deep in her eyes and rips the nastiest f**... he can, saying, "if that won't get you off the bed, I don't know what will."
I'll see myself out
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"
A priest stands up to do his sermon.
He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."
As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and the wine.
The priest continues with his sermon.
He says to the congregation in a solemn tone:
"Some of us are called useless."
My paper rips a lot
It's tearrible paper.
I don't get why everyone rips on calculus all the time.
Sure, it's very difficult. But it contains many integral concepts.
A cop is pulling over a car, that was way too fast.
He approaches the car on the drivers side, while the driver is cranking down the window. Next to the driver sits a passenger. A curious "fog" emerges from the vehicle.
Cop: "Do you have any idea, why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I don't have any idea."
Cop: "Seriously? Well you speeded with over 70 in a 30 zone."
The two guys in the car are seemingly astonished, then the one on the passenger side rips open the glove box and yells: "Bridge to Engineering! Less coal, we go way too fast!"
