Ripping Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.

Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.

He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".

The first man says "You are so didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".

The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"

After a long day's work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the bartender grabs him by the shirt and says "Give me a bottle of beer." Bartender does, guy bites the top right off, chugs it down in one gulp and slams it down on the bar.

Bartender asks, "Ca-ca-can I getcha another?"

Guy says "Naw. I gotta get out of here. Big John's coming to town."

A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street when he sees a 50£ note on the road, trapped under the wheel of a parked car. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it out from under there without ripping it. He stands up and looks around, and sees a café across the street. He thinks to himself "I'll get some tea, and when I see that car leaves, I'll go get that note". So the man sits down in the café and has some tea. 10 minutes later, the owner of the car comes back and drives his car away. Everyone in the café stands up.

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".

Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.

"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"

I'm tired of people ripping on calculus all the time.

It derives me crazy.

A guy goes to the movies

He buys a ticket and goes in.

5 mins later he returns to buy another ticket.

Another 5 mins later again he asks for a third ticket.

The lady selling the tickets asks "Why do you keep buying tickets?"

"Because they keep ripping mine when I try to go in"

Why did the zombie start ripping up sheet music?

Because he was de-composing.

Mary Jane

One night Mary Jane was walking down a dark alley when a strange man appeared and started ripping her clothes off. Mary Jane laughed and laughed though, because she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Interviewer: What would u say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I get weirdly confrontational when people ask me follow-up questions

Interviewer: How so?

Me: \[ripping my shirt off\] do u wanna take this outside?!!!

Did you hear about the Native American with a habit of ripping things up?

They left a trail of tears

I couldn't quit ripping my jeans cold turkey... I'm on the patch now.

I asked my wife...

If she wanted to do something illegal and it involves beds tonight. I can't wait to see her face light up when she finds out we're ripping all the mattress tags off this evening.

A farmer is outside tending his sheep

When a car driving by loses control and drives right in to the end of the farmers fence ripping the post out of the ground. The driver sees the farmer running over so he gets out of his car and yells "I'm okay I'm okay!"

The farmer says "I don't care about you! You just destroyed my whole fence!" So the driver says "It's just one post, if you have a shovel, I'll put it back in the ground for you"

The farmer, extremely flustered, says "Are you crazy?! You can't repost! Everyone who sees it will cry and complain!"

The paper towel holder kept ripping the paper towels...

It was tear-able!

A nun keeps ripping her clothes while having sex with prostitutes

It's a bad habit

What did one toilet roll say to another toilet roll?

People keep ripping me off.

What are the funniest ripping jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ripping? Well, here are the best Ripping puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ripping pick up lines to share with friends.


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