Ripped Jokes
128 ripped jokes and hilarious ripped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ripped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Don't be afraid to laugh out loud at these ripped jokes! From jeans to body wears, torn prosthetic, and all other ripped clothing, these hilarious jokes will have you rolling on the floor. Laugh your way through this collection of some of the best ripped jokes around!
Quick Jump To
- Short Ripped Jokes
- Ripped One Liners
- Ripped Body Jokes
- Ripped Pants Jokes
- Ripped Jean Jokes
- More Ripped Jokes
Funniest Ripped Short Jokes
Short ripped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ripped humour may include short ripping jokes also.
- TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead
- A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots. - I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes... I still do, but I used to, too.
18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend. - I think my local garage is ripping me off... does anyone else think £500 for a tesla exhaust is a lot?
- I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I just went to the Air & Space museum. Man do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
- what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck? Jose and Jos-B
this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom - My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
- Just got this in a text from my dad. "I've just combined laxative and alaphabet soup... I call it letter rip!"
- Meatloaf (RIP) owned a private forest. At dawn every day, he would collect the condensation and drink it. I asked him if it tastes good. He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"
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Ripped One Liners
Which ripped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ripped? I can suggest the ones about ripping pants and torn.
- Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion? CrossFit
- RIP boiling water You will be mist.
- What do you call an overpriced circumcision? A rip off.
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off.
- The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today.... ...RIP.
- Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed
- The inventor of Velcro died last week. RIP
- RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombie :(
- I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too.
RIP - My trampoline died today RIP
- R.I.P boiled water... You will be mist
- Do not buy Velcro from anyone. It's a rip off.
- Did you hear that Apple Guy died? R.I.P. Isaac Newton
- What do you get when you mix alphabet soup and laxatives? Letter rip!
- I got a cheap circumcision yesterday... It was a rip off.
Ripped Body Jokes
Here is a list of funny ripped body jokes and even better ripped body puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium. - Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
- Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me Blind dude: I feel you.
- What do prawns and butterface girls have in common? You rip off the head and keep the body
- What's the fastest way to get a ripped body? Take highwhey.
- What do you call an Arab who has a ripped body?? o**... Bin Liftin
Ripped Pants Jokes
Here is a list of funny ripped pants jokes and even better ripped pants puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I ripped a hole in my jeans. Now my pants are on their last leg.
- A Greek goes to his tailor with ripped pants The tailor: Euripides?
The customer: Eumenides? - Girlfriend found a hole in her favorite pair of pants.. RIP
- What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants? He sewed on a pumpkin patch.
- I tore my pants yesterday. RIP
- What if HULK ripped his pants?
Ripped Jean Jokes
Here is a list of funny ripped jean jokes and even better ripped jean puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I like my women like i like my jeans... Skinny, tight, and ripped...
- I couldn't quit ripping my jeans cold turkey... ...so I'm on the patch now.
- Does Abercrombie still sell ripped jeans for $80? Apparelly
- My girlfriend bought me some ripped jeans... She thought it looked cool I thought it was a ripoff.
- What do both teenyboppers and hereditary muscle-men have? Ripped genes. (jeans)
The Funniest Ripped Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about ripped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jacked jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ripped pranks.
What did the piece of paper say when it got ripped in half?
This is terrible.
I think I can fix one of your ripped shirts.
Well sew it seams anyway.
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Today my friend met Chewbacca...
...she said he was "A big s**... fur ball." So he picked her up ripped of her arms and threw her out of a window. I mean everyone knows not to insult Chewbacca like that.
She made a Wookie Mistake.
How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing?
Let's just say he felt overall sadness.
I have the punchline, can't remember the joke.
My father used to tell a joke, that involved the guy talking to a priest or therapist, and he is worried about a reoccurring dream that involves him having s**... with a chicken (can't remember who was doing what with who). It ends with the teller blowing a ripped up napkin all over the table.
Any help?
Did you guys hear about the guy who got the skin on his face ripped apart by eagle talons?
They tried to fix it with botox, but that only helps with crow's feet.
Surgery
After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a n**... here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
Ripped a mole off my face today...
Gotta stop looking down gopher holes...
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
A f**... song from my childhood
Arty f**... threw a party,
All the farts where there,
Tutti fruity ripped beauty,
So they all went out for air.
Where did Christ get his ripped abs?
Cross fit
Blind man and cabbage
A blind man walks into a bar with a cabbage on a lead.
The bartender asks him why he has a cabbage on the lead, Cabbage? he replies... "oh god d**...... i got ripped off ... i was told it a collie!"
What do you call it when you get ripped from steroid use?
Ill-gotten gains
What do people typically get at Whole Foods?
Ripped off.
Two engineers meet each other on their way into work
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
I saw an advert on my computer that said "Get ripped in 2 weeks!"
I'm not that gullible.
So instead I went back to my Ghost Hunter show.
I got ripped off buying a tarantula from the pet shop
Should have just got one off the web
I bought c**... music for 5 cents today, but the guy ripped me off.
As he ran off, I yelled "Hey, I want my nickel back!"
I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.
This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust...
I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.
Who would win in a fight? A bicycle wheel or an old book?
Well, it's hard to say. One's pumped and the other's ripped.
How did Humpty Dumpty get ripped?
Wall-sits.
A drug addict and a nun
So a drug addict walks up to a nun and sees that her clothes are ripped. He looks at her and says, "Sister, you have a bad habit."
Did you hear the band aid was defrauded?
He got ripped off.
I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.
I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.
What did the vegetarian do to get ripped?
He juiced...
My dad had the worst temper when he watched sports. One day it got so bad he ripped off his shirt and began shouting racial slurs...
Really ruined my little league game.
Two nuns in the park...
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to s**... assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"
I was paper-thin as a kid.
So I got ripped.
So I paid good money for an Eskimo e**..., but I think I got ripped off...
I could tell she wasn't Inuit.
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
I dated a half Asian girl
Her mom was Korean
Her dad was Korean
Her legs got ripped off in the car accident.
So I'm dating this half-Korean girl...
Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and her legs got ripped off in a car accident
How did Jesus get so ripped?
39 lashes.
Why were all the girls looking at the piece of paper?
Because it was ripped.
Yesterday I bought an expensive but poorly made tie...
I think my ascot ripped off!
My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.
The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.
Why was Jesus ripped at his crucifixion?
Because he was cross-fit!
Have you heard of the feminist who ripped off a misogynistic article from a library's magazine, and ate the paper?
I heard she now suffers from internalized misogyny.
A little boy and girl are playing together in a bathtub...
The girl asks: "Can I touch your wiener?"
The boy replies: "NO WAY, you've already ripped yours off!"
I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.
She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts s**... me as if she's dying of thirst. She s**... long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.
Then I realised I'm a straw.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
Now it just goes from bad to worse…
I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off".
Best $600 I have ever spent!
Trump and the Pope
Trump: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.
Pence: That's a bit s**..., you know she's Catholic.
Trump: Yeah, I know she's Catholic: I didn't know the Pope was.
(Ripped off from The Young Ones)
Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today?
Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.
What do you call ripped paper?
A piece of sheet.
How did the narcissistic polar bear get so ripped?
Because he took a lot of polar roids.
What do you call a ripped dinosaur?
Tyrannosaurus-Flex!
Why did the skeleton win the bodybuilding contest?
Because he was RIPped..
IT Students
An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes Nice bike. Where did you get it?
The first student says, The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said 'Take anything you want!'
The first student says, So I took the bike .
The second student says, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit .
What do you call a ripped yeti?
The abdominal snow man.
My friend's dating a half-Asian girl.
Her mum's Korean.
Her dad is also Korean.
Her legs were ripped off in a car accident.
Sea of Thieves
What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
What can we do with the ripped off players,
What will we do to protect the gamers,
EARLY ACCESS WARNING!
Cr
I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.
They also ripped out pages from the end. It just went from bad to worse .
I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college
Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...
Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.
It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.
I accidentally ripped my girlfriend's tights..
She said, 'they were on their last legs already'
How was Jesus Christ so ripped?
You never see Jesus Christ rockin a dad bod. How was it that Jesus Christ kept so toned and shredded?
CrossFit
A couple is having s**... one night....
After they finish up, they realize that the c**... ripped during s**.... But before the woman freaks out, the man hands her some birth-control pills he bought earlier.
He came prepared.
Did you hear about the Band Aid that got scammed
he was ripped off really bad
This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.
Tonight, I will kill again
I'm dating a half asian girl
Her mom is Japanese.
Her father is Japanese.
Her legs were ripped off in a car accident
The liquor store ripped me off.
They said they had dry wines, but they were just as wet as the other ones!
I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...
Then I ripped a**... like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.
Covid 19 has been realy stressful for Flat Earthers
They fear that quarantine could push people off the edge
>!I apologize cause I completely ripped this off someone else's twitter!<
Why don't bandaids shop online?
They don't like getting ripped off.
You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a c**... drawing I did
Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again
What do you call a ghost that is ripped?
A swoltergeist
I got ripped off at the amusement park.
A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel.
Turns out it's made of aluminium.
A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally
After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded
I showed my lawyer my ripped up bag and asked if I could sue the airline.
He said, You don't have much of a case.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
But I will recover.
How many Lithuanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, unless their arms got ripped off in some sort of horrifying accident, in which case it still only takes one, just a different one.
