Rip Jokes

128 rip jokes and hilarious rip puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rip that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funny rip jokes will have you in stitches! Get ready to laugh with jokes that reference the English term "rip", popular characters like Rip Van Winkle and Rip Wheeler, places like Yellowstone, and the tattered, shredded messes that "rippers" create. Discover the meaning of "rip" and the many ways it can be used in jokes.

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Funniest Rip Short Jokes

Short rip jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rip humour may include short ripper jokes also.

  1. TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead
  2. A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
    Because they multiply by dividing.
    RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.
  3. I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes... I still do, but I used to, too.
    18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
    R.I.P. to a legend.
  4. I think my local garage is ripping me off... does anyone else think £500 for a tesla exhaust is a lot?
  5. I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma. I still do, but I used to, too.
  6. I just went to the Air & Space museum. Man do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.
  7. what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck? Jose and Jos-B
    this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom
  8. My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
  9. Just got this in a text from my dad. "I've just combined laxative and alaphabet soup... I call it letter rip!"
  10. Meatloaf (RIP) owned a private forest. At dawn every day, he would collect the condensation and drink it. I asked him if it tastes good. He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"

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Rip One Liners

Which rip one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rip? I can suggest the ones about ripoff and split.

  1. Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion? CrossFit
  2. RIP boiling water You will be mist.
  3. What do you call an overpriced circumcision? A rip off.
  4. What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off.
  5. The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today.... ...RIP.
  6. Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed
  7. The inventor of Velcro died last week. RIP
  8. RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombie :(
  9. I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too.
  10. My trampoline died today RIP
  11. R.I.P boiled water... You will be mist
  12. Do not buy Velcro from anyone. It's a rip off.
  13. Did you hear that Apple Guy died? R.I.P. Isaac Newton
  14. What do you get when you mix alphabet soup and laxatives? Letter rip!
  15. I got a cheap circumcision yesterday... It was a rip off.

Rip Meaning Jokes

Here is a list of funny rip meaning jokes and even better rip meaning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body... I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
  • So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin... ...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?
  • I'm scared of ripped paper. I mean tearrified

Rip Van Winkle Jokes

Here is a list of funny rip van winkle jokes and even better rip van winkle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Good ol' Winkle. He was a great guy but died recently after getting hit by a car. RIP van Winkle.
  • Why would Rip Van Winkle make a good janitor? Because he swept for 20 years.

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Rip Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about rip you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean slit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rip pranks.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now
2nd Edit- One Now
3rd Edit- Nevermind
4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's m**...?

His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.

When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.
He read it out loud: E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are d**...!
RIP Norm.

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.
"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"
The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."
The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends p**...,

they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

What does a frog do with a piece of paper?

Rip it!
6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. :)

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip

every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

My cat passed.

RIP Fluffy McMittens
2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

The man who invented Velcro died


RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

I don't hear people talk about beyblade anymore..

Guess they've just let it r.i.p.

Why shouldn't you rip up a dollar when someone asks for change?

Because it doesn't make cents!
(Thought up on my way home, may not be original, but gave me that corny smile 🤦‍♂️)


..What a rip off.

Rip off

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

The inventor of Velcro died today.


What do you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon!
My father told me this joke the same day he taught me how to whistle.
R.I.P. Dad

When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's p**... right off!!!

They've been giving me a w**... all day. 😎

I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.
RIP Rodney Dangerfield

I'll shotgun a beer, rip a b**..., munch some shrooms...

But c**... is where I draw the line.

The inventor of velcro just passed away.


I just got a joke book whose entire gimmick is the fact that you can rip the pages out and hand it to people.

Its a book of tear-able puns.

Why would you never rip a dollar in half?

Because it doesn't make any cents.

Avicii passed away today ...

...looks like no one's going to be able to wake him up when it's all over.

The person who invented Velcro died.


I have a friend who's selling a velcro wig for $100

It's a rip off if you ask me.

RIP hot water

You will be mist.

You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!

I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.
--RIP Mitch Hedberg

RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

The guy who invented the velcro died last week


I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

What do you call a zombie with a hickey?

A necromancer.

My wife likes to talk after s**.....

So she called me from a hotel room.

The guy who invented Velcro died today.


I was at a job interview...

I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

What do you call a budget circumcision?

A rip off.

My wife and I made a pact that we only smoke after s**...

I've had the same pack since 1975. My wife is up to 3 packs a day!

DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence,

DVD Rip.

R.I.P. Water Man, 1997—2022. He fell into a humidifier.

He will be mist.

I got a cheap circumcision when I was young.

It was a rip off.

RIP uncle

My great uncle passed away last year when we couldn't remember his blood type in time for him to get a blood transfusion that would save his life.

As he was dying he kept yelling 'Be positive! Be positive!' but it's so hard without him.

What does a frog do when it sees a b**...?

Rip it

RIP H2O...

You will be mist.
Saw this one in the bathroom of a school I'm taking classes at. I haven't seen it posted on here, it made me laugh.

When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

Today I'm combining Alphabet Soup & laxatives…

I call it Letter Rip.

The inventor of wax strips has just died.


VELCRO! Am I Right?!?!?


Two burly bouncers are standing outside the front of a pub.

One says "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's u**... off!"
"Why's that?" The other asks.
The first bouncer finishes " 'cause the elastic is killing me."

Why does Michael Jackson shop at k-mart.

Because little boys pants are half-off.
Sorry I know this joke is too old to be one of his victims
and I know it is bad taste to make fun of the dead.
RIP K-Mart you will be missed.


That's a rip off

A lady sat in a restaurant waiting for her date to arrive...

Suddenly, she let one rip. The whole restaurant heard and turned to look at her.
Embarrassed, the lady said to the waiter "stop that!"
He said "Sure, lady. Which way was it heading?"

Two lawyers are leaving the office.

"I can't wait to get home," says one. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's p**... right off."
"I know the feeling," says the other.
"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.

My bag had a hole in it.


My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.
RIP Mitch.

jokes about rip