Rip Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Rip puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Rip

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

What do you call an overpriced circumcision?

A rip off.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

a rip off.

The man who invented the "VELCRO" died today....


The inventor of Velcro died last week.


RIP to my good friend Brian...

...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :(

I used to miss Mitch Hedburg

I still do... But I used to, too.


My trampoline died today


what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck?

Jose and Jos-B

this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom

R.I.P boiled water...

You will be mist

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends panties,

they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

What does a frog do with a piece of paper?

Rip it!

6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. :)

Do not buy Velcro from anyone.

It's a rip off.

Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip

every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

Did you hear that Apple Guy died?

R.I.P. Isaac Newton

My cat passed.

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

I got a cheap circumcision yesterday...

It was a rip off.

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

The man who invented Velcro died


I don't hear people talk about beyblade anymore..

Guess they've just let it r.i.p.


..What a rip off.

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties right off!!!

They've been giving me a wedgie all day. 😎

What do you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon!

My father told me this joke the same day he taught me how to whistle.

R.I.P. Dad

I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Why would you never rip a dollar in half?

Because it doesn't make any cents.

Avicii passed away today ...

...looks like no one's going to be able to wake him up when it's all over.


A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...

He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his genitals. When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"

His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"

The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."

I have a friend who's selling a velcro wig for $100

It's a rip off if you ask me.

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

RIP hot water

You will be mist.

RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!

I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.

--RIP Mitch Hedberg

The guy who invented the velcro died last week


What do you call a zombie with a hickey?

A necromancer.


Sixty-nine (NSFW)

One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.

Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.

After getting into position, the man is really enjoying the new position when the prostitute accidentally farts.

Old man: What was that?
Prostitute: That was nogthing. Just keep going.

So they carry on a little longer until she lets another one really rip. This time the old man gets her off him and wants out.

Prostitute: What's wrong? Weren't you enjoying it?
Old man: I don't think I can handle another 67 of those.

My wife likes to talk after sex..

So she called me from a hotel room. No Respect!
RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

I was at a job interview...

I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg

What do you call a budget circumcision?

A rip off.

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane

It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman.
The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scotsman!!!!!!!

"OH, SO TIS A RAACE YE BE WANTIN'!!!!!", He Shouted....

Happy St. Paddys day guys. Got this from the comment section on Yahoo, first time that ever paid off

DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence,

DVD Rip.

I got a cheap circumcision when I was young.

It was a rip off.

RIP H2O...

You will be mist.

Saw this one in the bathroom of a school I'm taking classes at. I haven't seen it posted on here, it made me laugh.

When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

The inventor of wax strips has just died.


A lady sat in a restaurant waiting for her date to arrive...

Suddenly, she let one rip. The whole restaurant heard and turned to look at her.

Embarrassed, the lady said to the waiter "stop that!"

He said "Sure, lady. Which way was it heading?"

Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"

So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"

"You jews, all you think about is money!"

Two lawyers are leaving the office.

"I can't wait to get home," says one. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," says the other.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

Why does Michael Jackson shop at k-mart.

Because little boys pants are half-off.

Sorry I know this joke is too old to be one of his victims

and I know it is bad taste to make fun of the dead.

RIP K-Mart you will be missed.


That's a rip off

A man at a gay bar

So a man walks into a gay bar and sits between two gay guys, the one gay guy leans over and says " you don't mind if I rip one do you?" , the man says "no" so the guy lifts his leg up and "whoooooosh". The second gay guy leans over and says " you don't mind if I rip one do you?" , the man says "no" so the guy lifts his leg up and "whoooooosh". Then the man says " well since you all are doing it, I might as well rip one" , so he lifts his leg and "fllplhghgplghglgpglhg". The one gay guy looks at the other one and says "pffft, Virgin".

My bag had a hole in it.


What do you call a circumcision for a dollar?

A rip off!

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?


Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

Math joke

M>have you heard the story of the three eggs and one was good ?

H> not yet

M> two bad...

H> go back to bed ya sh*t head

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* P.S. the first joke my father taught me, R.I.P. *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Steve Rogers gets into Santa Claus's automobile...

...and is immediately shot dead.

RIP Steve Rogers.

He was capped in a merry car.

A UN delegation was flying across the Atlantic...

A Brit, a Frenchman, an American, and a Mexican are told by the pilot that they are too heavy and may crash.

They pop the hatch and toss out all the luggage, but they're still too heavy.

They rip out the seats and toss them, but they're still too heavy.

The Brit stands up and yells God save the Queen! and jumps out, but they're still too heavy.

The Frenchman stands and yells Vive la France! and jumps out, but they're still too heavy.

The American stands and yells Remember the Alamo! and throws out the Mexican.

whats the difference in fast n furious and walking dead?

there's no Walker in Fast and Furious

.......RIP Paul

RIP evaporated water....

...You will be mist

A man and his friend were playing golf one afternoon when a funeral drove by...

The man was about to swing but stopped and bowed his head and said a prayer, then aimed and let a beautiful swing rip.

His friend said, "Wow man, that was pretty respectful of you to say a prayer for who ever died."

His friend slid his club into his bag and said, "Well, I was married to her for 40 years so I figured I owed her that."

Buddhists never write R.I.P on the gravestones

All of them just say BRB

I just invented a new soup.

Its alphabet soup mixed with laxative. I call it Letter Rip.

RIP Hugh Hefner

Through his death, I'll be reaching for tissues in his honor for the rest of my life.

RIP Dense Water Vapour.

You will be mist ;(

What does it say on the gravestone of the guy who made Beyblades?

Let him RIP!

My parents got me the cheapest circumcision available

It was a rip off

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg


Never date an Aztec woman...

They'll rip your heart out :(

RIP boiled water.

You shall be mist.

My friend said he got a cheap circumcision when he was a kid...

What a rip off!

A touching tribute to Hugh Hefner

RIP Hugh Hefner - the man who taught a complete generation how to read a book with one hand!

How do blind sky divers know when to pull the rip cord?

When the leash goes slack.

What's worse than watching your brother do a double barrel roll over 15 cars on a motorbike?

Having to watch him do a half barrel roll over 8 of them.

R.I.P. Bobby. Never forget.

I stopped using my Bayblades

I guess I.... let them RIP

I bought perforated paper once

It was a total rip off

How do Reavers clean their spears?

They run them through the Wash.

(In honor of the late Shepard Book. RIP)

What do you call an overpriced funeral?

A RIP off.

A Muslim guy's girlfriend was killed for eating pork

RIP Haram bae

What do you call a crappy circumcision

A rip off!

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes