The Best 64 Rings Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Rings jokes. There are some rings hoop jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these rings vibrate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Rings Jokes and Puns

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

Rings joke, My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..

She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?

FBI Investigation.

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."


Travelling Tip

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me.

It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,

"Why are you calling me?"

Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life.

Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the sex life?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Rings joke, A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment,

What does Rihanna and Onion Rings have in common?

They're both battered.

A man is getting into the shower...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Cheating Partner

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.

After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent?

Because he was bored of the rings!

You can explore rings fatherly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean rings earring dad jokes. There are also rings puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Middle Earth Dreamer

A man is concerned about his dreams and goes to see a doctor.

"Doctor, I've been having these dreams about Middle Earth every night and when I wake up, I'm convinced that I wrote The Lord of the Rings!"

The doctor tells the man, "Don't worry about it, you're just Tolkien in your sleep."

How to anger Lord of the Rings fans?

When you're watching The Two Towers and the ents are marching, shout "RUN, FOREST! RUN!"

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...

"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss.

Phone rings. It's the boss.
Boss: What are you doing right now?
Assistant: Missing you.

Rings joke, Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Pavlov is sitting at a bar...

...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

Just got a joke after 2 weeks.

Pavlov is sitting down reading a book. All of the sudden the phone rings and he says "Fuck,I forgot to feed the dogs .


Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.

At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"

She hangs up and turns towards her lover :

- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

Two hunters are walking in the forest

One hunter says to the other,
"DUCK! THERE's A DEER BEHIND YOU!"
The other hunter, however does not duck, and is subsequently shot.
He falls to the ground, and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1.
Before the operator can say anything, he screams, "HELP HELP I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!"
The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually dead."
Another gunshot rings through the forest.

The hunter then says, "What should I do now?"

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A widow puts out an ad for a man...

She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her sexually. A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.

"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."

"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me sexual," she asked with a puzzled face.

"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

A guy asks a librarian if she has a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat

She says, "It rings a bell but I can't be certain."

I asked my dog if he'd ever heard of Pavlov

He said, "I can't say for sure, but the name rings a bell."

Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...

... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.

He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.

#BONG BONG BONG

He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"

I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring.

Then comes the suffering.

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:

* Nachos $4

* Hamburger $3

* Hotdog $2

* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3

* Grilled Cheese $2

* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50

* Handjob $10

After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper.

She asks for three things:

1. A man who will treat her nicely,
2. A man who won't leave her, and
3. A man who is good in bed.

Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, "I'm here about the ad in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." The woman is skeptical, and asks, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.

(I hope the name rings a bell)

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)

The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.

- Will do.

- Thank you. *hangs up*

- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

I was taught there are 3 rings in life.

The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the suffering.

Scott Pruitt has resigned to focus more on his true passion..

Throwing uncut plastic soda rings into the ocean.

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It's their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, I'll give you $800 to let that towel drop. The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection, then reaches into his wallet and hands her $800. She goes back inside. Who was at the door, honey? asks the husband. Oh, it was our neighbor Bob, she says. Great, says the husband. Did he happen to mention the $800 he owes me?

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."

The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.

Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"

Man:"Yeah, me too."

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool.

The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair?''

I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.

Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:

"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger.

The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She's Tolkien in her sleep.

The phone rings at Crayola Headquarters

{green-green-green}

"Yellow?"

"May I speak to Mr. Brown?"

"Please white while I transfer you."

{pink}

Breaking bad

I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

"Have you ever heard of the Hunchback of Notre Dame?"

"It rings a bell"

The three types of rings pertaining to marriage…

1. The engagement ring.
2. The wedding ring.
3. The suffering.

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

'cause Freedom rings

Marriage involves three rings.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the rings noddy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working rings penis ring piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes