ringing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ringing puns

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm...

She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."

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I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

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SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

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Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

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I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

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A guy says to his wife "why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?"

She replies, "I don't like ringing you at work."

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I was behind this lady at checkout in the grocery store the other day

I was watching the items they were ringing up;

1 quart of milk
3 single serving microwave dinners
10 LB bag of cat food

She looked back at me and smiled. So I took the opportunity and said, "Hello! I bet you're single, aren't you?"

She says, " How could you know that? Just from the things I bought??"

I said, "No, it's because you're fucking ugly"

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Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.

The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

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An American, an Englishman, a German and a Japanese go golfing on their annual meetup...

As they are playing, they hear a ringing sound. The American rushes to his golf bag and pulls out a mobile phone. He answers the phone and when the conversation is done, he explains to his friends, "My company needs to be in touch with me all the time, so I carry this fancy phone around with me." The other golfers are mildlyinterested.

As they continue playing, another ringing sound is heard. The Englishman puts his thumb to his ear and his last finger on his mouth and also has a conversation. When he is done he says "My company also needs to be in touch with me, so they installed a speaker on my thumb and a microphone on my last finger. The antenna is in my hat. The other golfers nod in approval at his technology.

Later in the day, yet another ringing sound is heard. The German tilts his head and starts talking. When he is done he says to the others, "To keep in contact with my company, there's a speaker in my ear canal and a microphone in my tooth. The antenna is in my spine." The other golfers are impressed at such marvels of technology.

As they are playing the last hole, a beeping sound is heard and the Japanese runs into the bushes. After he hasn't shown up for a while, the other golfers look for him and eventually find him squatting on the ground, pants down. "Oh, I'm sorry for intruding." Says one of them. "Oh, it's okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."

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I hate it when people bother me...

I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!

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Come over

A guy and a girl had been flirting for sometime.

One day the girl says come over there's no one at home

So the guys quickly goes to the girls house and starts ringing the doorbell. He knocks and rings the doorbell again several times but... nobody answered

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Woman posts on dating website...

... what's she's looking for perfect husband who wouldn't run away from her, wouldn't beat her, and would be amazing in bed.

Week later, she hears someone's ringing the door, and as she opens it, she sees young man in wheelchair, but he has no arms or legs.

Confused, woman asks *"What are you looking for?"*

He responds *"I'm that perfect husband you're looking for. As you see I've no legs, so I won't be able to run away, and I don't have hands either, so I won't be able to beat you!"*

Slightly interested she asks him *"What about sex? Are you good?"*

 

*"How do you think I rang the bell?"*

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A rough and tough cowboy hitches his horse outside a saloon.

Spurs ringing up the stairs, the door swings open and he sits down on a stool. "gimme a beer, bottle of whisky". After he drinks his fair share we walks back out to unhitch his horse. A second later, the swinging doors bust open and a bullet tears through the roof. "All right you sons of bitches! Who's the coward that stole my horse!" The bar fell silent, some ducked under tables. "No one!?" He shouted. "I'm gonna have another beer and a shot, and if my horse ain't back out there when I'm dun... I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Odessa, an I dun don't wanna do what I had to do back in Odessa...." He said coldly. Some of the locals shifted restlessly, and after the cowboy finished his drinks he walked back outside. Low and behold his horse was out there. He started saddling him up, hopped on and was getting ready to spur out of town when the bar keep spoke up. "H-h-hey m-m-mister?" He stuttered. "W-w-what did you have to do back in Odessa?" The cowboy flicked his cigar, "I had to walk home."

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My wife was complaining

that nobody ever phoned her, so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car. Her phone hasn't stopped ringing since.

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DaughterΒ΄s new boyfriend

The daughter's new boyfriend from Greece is ringing at the door , so her dad is opening the door:

Boyfriend: "Hey, my name is Turio, IΒ΄m here to fuck your daughter."

Dad: "Excuse me, to what!?!?"

Boyfriend: "Turio."

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I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?", I asked on the phone. I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

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A man hears the phone ringing...

A man hears the phone ringing while he is in his sports team change room, he picks it up.

"Hey honey, I saw a really nice dress for $1000, can I buy it? It looks really nice" said the voice.

"Sure, go ahead if you like it so much" the man says.

"Thanks, and also the car we looked at last week for $89,000, no one else is buying it, can I buy it? It's really fuel efficient" the voice replies"

"You can buy that too" the man replies again.

"Thank you, just one last thing, the house we looked at last month has dropped from $1.5 million to $1.4, I'm sure it'll be fine, can I buy that too?" the voice responds.

"You may buy the house" the man says.

"Thank you so much honey" the voice says then hangs up.

Astonished the mans teammates are looking at the man, eyes wide and mouth open. The man looks at them holding the phone out and asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"

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Three nuns died...

...and found themselves standing before St. Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Before I can let you in," said Peter, "you'll each have to answer one question."

The first nun stepped forward and Peter asked, "What was the name of the first man?"

"Adam," answered the nun. And immediately bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she entered into heaven.

The second nun stepped forward. "What was the name of the first woman?" St. Peter asked.

"Eve," said the nun. And bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she walked in.

The third nun stepped forward. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asked St. Peter.

The nun thought for a minute, then said, "Boy, that's really hard..."

And bells began ringing and lights started flashing...

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Husband says to his wife why don't you tell me when you orgasm?

She said: " I don't like ringing you when you're at work "

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The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like this." The man ran up to the top of the church and hit the bell with his face to make it ring. when he came down the priest said " Well I guess you got the job."
Over the years the man kept ringing the bell by hitting his face against the bell and causing it to ring, while, however, causing the man to be off balance. One day he went up to the bell, rung it again then slipped off the roof and landed hard onto the asphalt, killing him instantly. Two people found him dead in the parking lot, one asked the other " You know him?" to which the other said " Not really, but the face sure rings a bell."

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I asked the wife "How come you never tell me when you've had an orgasm?"

She said "I don't like ringing you when you're at work."

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Said to a cashier the other day...

So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"

I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs"

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I heard about a tourist that visited a religious site once.

He climbed all those steps and wanted to ring the bell at the end, but the poor guy had no arms, having lost them in an industrial accident year previous.

But being no stranger to overcoming adversity, the tourist insisted on ringing the bell anyway, so the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. The first two times were fine, but on the third attempt, he tripped, stumbled and fell to his death to the rocks below.

When being interviewed for the accident, the police asked the monks Do you know this guy?

The monk responded, No, but his face rings a bell.

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Three businessmen.

Three high flying businessmen have taken a trip to the spa. All three are CEOs of big technology companies, and naturally each is keen to show off to the other two. As they're relaxing in the sauna, naked as greased-up deaf guys, the silence is suddenly broken by a ringing noise. Everyone is confused until the tall bearded businessman brings his hand to his ear and begins to have a conversation. Eventually he explains: "Oh, you see this is just a little thing my engineers whipped up, it's a phone so tiny it can fit on a little chip attached to your fingernail". The other two look impressed, and yet just ten minutes later there is another, different ring, and this time the short, chubby businessman just begins to have a conversation. "Ah, see my company has developed a tiny phone that sits just behind your ear. It picks up high quality audio of your voice by feeling vibrations in your skull." The other two businessmen express their awe. But the third businessman is now feeling a little uneasy, his company hasn't developed anything like these swish telecommunicatory gadgets of his rivals. However, he's a crafty man, and not to be shown up by his competitors he slips off to the bathroom. Once there he takes a strip of toilet paper and sticks one end up his ass so the rest hangs down. He returns to the suana and turns around to look at his ass "Well would ya look at that?" he exclaims, "I appear to be receiving a fax."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.

The blonde thinks, I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.

The Frenchman thinks, I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.

The Englishman thinks, I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

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The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

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A joke about screwing

A young man arrives at his dates house. After ringing the doorbell, her father answers the door and invites him inside. "My daughter is will be ready in a few minutes," he informs the young man.

So they get to talking. "Where are you taking my daughter?" asks the father.

"Oh, I'm taking her dancing."

"That sounds like a fun time. You know, my daughter loves to screw."

"Wh- what?" stammers the young man.

"Oh yeah, she'll screw all night if you let her. She is always talking about how she's looking for a boy to screw with. Just last week she went out and screwed with a couple of her girlfriends. Hell, if she wouldn't be so embarrassed, I'd screw with her myself."

Finally, the daughter is ready, and a very giddy (and slightly confused) young man leads her to the car.

30 seconds later the daughter comes running back into the house. "Daddy!" she cries, "It's called the twist!"

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That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...

But luckily you're still awake because you're drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase

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There's this guy who lost both of his arms in an accident.

He lost his job, and is looking for a new one. He goes by a church and a sign reads "Bell ringer wanted". He goes in to the church and asks the minister. The minister didn't think he could ring the bell. The minister asked him how he would ring it. He runs at it and hits his head on the bell. The guy gets the job. Anyway, every day he would run up to the bell and hit his head on the bell. Eventually, his face gets all bruised from ringing the bell. One day, he was running up to the bell to ring it, but he slipped and fell of the tower. He lived, but he was hurt. When the paramedics showed up, a bystander asked a paramedic "Who is this guy anyway?" The paramedic responds "I don't know, but his face rings a bell"

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A woman walks into a supermarket

She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;

"I can tell you're single"

The woman giggles and asks coyly

"Oh what gave that away"

The cashier replies

"Because you're fat"

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A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

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I just called the tinnitus helpline

It just kept ringing

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A man has glaucoma of the ass

A man is just wrapped up in his blankets in bed without a care in the world when the phone by his bed starts ringing. Begrudgingly he answers it.
"Hello?"

"Yeah hi, hello! This is your boss and you're seriously late for work. When the hell are you gonna come in?"

"I'm sorry boss but I can't come in today, I have glaucoma of the ass."

"Huh? What the does that even mean you have 'glaucoma of the ass'?"

"It means I can't see my ass getting out of this bed." Then he hangs up the phone

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What are the most funny Ringing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ringing? Well, here are the best Ringing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ringing pick up lines to share with friends.

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