Ring Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

A wife is like a hand grenade...

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

Sauron is a great name

It has a nice ring to it

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes

I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

i really like the name saturn

it has a nice ring to it

So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...

...I'm not really sure how I feel about it

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

A wife is like a hand grenade

you take away the ring, and there goes your house

My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

Hi, how much for this torture device?

Sir, that's a wedding ring.

Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?

Student: No

Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?

Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring.

Then comes the suffering.

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

I lost my mood ring this morning.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I was taught there are 3 rings in life.

The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the suffering.

Someone stole my mood ring...

I'm not sure how I feel about that....

I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Women are like hand grenades

If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings

What do you call a ring of iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

I was mugged today...

I was mugged in an alley today, all they took was my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

My mom just took away my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about it.

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?


She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

My wife is so sweet

Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend

Fair trade if you ask me

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

A man is sitting at the doctor's office

As he is doing this, he playfully rotates the wedding ring on his finger. An older gentleman across from him beckons and whispers "Son, there ain't no combination that's gonna unlock that thing".

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

First asks for a beer, second asks for half a beer, third asks for a quarter of a beer...

Barmen says "Got it, no need to continue" and proceeds to ring up two beers.

[OC] Why did Pavlov ring a bell every time a breeze entered his room?

Air Conditioning

I lost a good friend and long time drinking buddy a few days ago in a tragic accident

he got his finger caught in a wedding ring

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'

The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'

The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'

The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

What has a ring but no fingers?

The former owner of a Note 7

Somebody stole my mood ring...

...I don't know how I feel about that.

What do you get when Gandalf and Bilbo are your network engineers?

A Tolkien Ring Network

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

...I would have 2 dollars and run a counterfeit money smuggling ring.

I had to really consider my boyfriend's proposal before giving an answer.

On one hand, I'd get a really nice ring.

On the other hand, I wouldn't.

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

My mother told me this one...

One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

A farmer's 3 daughters are going on a date

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.

The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.

The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."

And the farmer shot him.

A Joke

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St.Patrick's Day, ' he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...

An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:

LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
β€’not beat me
β€’not leave me
β€’be good in bed

So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Today I was approached by Beyonce

Today I was approached by Beyonce who had just finished setting up at the studio. She said to me, "Excuse me hon. You haven't seen my phone have you? It's pink with a 'Bubblicious' cover on it."

I said, "No, sorry. Have you tried calling it?"

She said, "No. I put it on silent."

I said, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it."

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

A cop is walking down the street and notices

A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.

The blonde woman replied, I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it.

The cop asked, Did you drop it right here?

No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business?

They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:

"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"

Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"

Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

I'm not saying it's hot in my house...

...but a hobbit just threw a ring through the front door.

Do you know why astronomers named the planet "Saturn?"

It just had a nice ring to it.

We have collected gags that can be used as Ring pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Ring, here are one liners and funny Ring pick up lines.

Joko Jokes