Right Hand Jokes
123 right hand jokes and hilarious right hand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about right hand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Right Hand Short Jokes
Short right hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The right hand humour may include short left hand jokes also.
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
- "Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
- I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said: Maybe, but I wouldn't count
on it. - I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
- Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time? Or is that just stereotyping.
- I'm have mixed feelings about abortion. On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.
- When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.
- I find abortion to be a difficult topic. On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.
- I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."
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Right Hand One Liners
Which right hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with right hand? I can suggest the ones about left handed and handed.
- Being left handed is unacceptable... It's just not right .
- I had a SCAB but I picked the bottom right hand corner of it... No I have a SCAR.
- Why are North Koreans always left handed? Because they have no rights.
- Never argue with left handed people. They're not right.
- I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand. I'm ambi-dextrose.
- There's nothing wrong with being left-handed But, there's nothing right about it either.
- What's ironic about having a left handed pen It's for righting.
- My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions. He can't be right.
- Jim Abbott had an aid his entire childhood He was his right hand man
- Its so cold in Minnesota right now. The democrats have their hands in their own pockets.
- People say your wife should be your right hand man... I say my wife is my right hand.
- My girlfriend and I are really close... Guess you could say she's my right hand gal.
- How do Communists ask for help? Quit Stalin and get Lenin me a hand right Mao!
- Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress? My right hand, man.
- All snakes wishing to remain in Ireland, please raise your right hands.
Comical Right Hand Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about right hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lefty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make right hand pranks.
Son : Mom, Dad... I'm gay.
Dad : *Raising his right hand*
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : *Sweating profusely*
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : *waves at son* Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.
A groaner just for you...
Q. What do you have if you are holding a mothball in your right hand and a mothball in your left hand?
A. A **VERY** large moth...
My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."
"Massive hands!"
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A man walks into a bar and sees h**......
A man walks into a bar and sees h**....
"Hey, is that h**...?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to h**....
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
h**...'s right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
h**... becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.
A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter
-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.
-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.
-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.
If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left
Then you have kermit the Frog's undivided attention
If you've got one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand what have you got?
A big f**...' moth.
"I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fingers am I holding up on my right hand?"
--This is a text, how should I know?
"I'm an amputee, and you'd know"
I ordered a ham and cheese at Subway
The sandwich artist began making my selection, using his right hand to place the slices of ham.
Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and cried out in pain.
Ouch! Hand cramp!
Before I could ask if he was ok, he finished stacking the slices of ham with his left hand.
Lucky for you I'm hambidexterous he said.
A guy asked me how I lost the finger on my right hand.
I was showing someone how I lost the finger on my left
Shakespeare was able to write with either his left or right hand equally well...
He was iambidextrous.
What do you get when you hold a mothball in your left hand and a mothball in your right hand?
A rather excited moth
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says
"at least he got ice on it right away."
What do you have....
...when you have one green ball in your right hand, and one green ball in your left hand.
Answer: Complete control of the Jolly Green Giant.
My golf game is a lot like my s**... life.....
.....both are all about my right hand.
In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook's right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...
Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee
The Tea Survey
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
How about you?' the Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'
A blond walks into the hospital with a shattered right hand...
The doctor asks "what happened?"
So she says, "I was feeling really depressed so I took a gun, held it to my left ear and fired."
The doctor says "how did that damage your hand?"
"Well, before I fired I thought that it might be loud so I plugged the other ear."
The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.
God calls from the heavens, it is time.
But Jesus and his friends can't hear over all the partying etc
On day 39, same thing. Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.
Still nothing.
On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he'll likely be ignored again. So he grabs a very loud megaphone and yells May I have your ascension please! May I have your ascension please
I went for a tattoo.
I told the tattooist that I wanted a tattoo of an Indian on my back.
Half way through I said "put a tomahawk in his right hand."
"Tomahawk.?" "I have just finished his turban."
True story
Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.
valantines day is coming up, so I thought id try something I haven't tried before in the bedroom
my right hand
What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a great white shark?
Lefty.
Valentine's Day for people who are single.
For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day
For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day
For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday
For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday
For all the control system people, why did a plane travelling to Poland c**...?
Because the Poles were on the right hand side
I heard a story the other day about a guy who got his right hand cut off...
Apparently his other hand is all that was left.
A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.
Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.
If I have a cricket ball in my left hand and a cricket ball in my right hand
I then have the undivided attention of a very large cricket.
I drive a mail truck with the steering wheel on the right hand side. Sometimes I pretend I'm in England by
Eating really c**... food
I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand
The only thing he does left is write.
Old People And Nastiness
A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.
"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."
In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook's right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..
Come together, right now... over Smee.
On your knees everyone!
After a seminar on 'Your words are powerful' I decided to test my power.
.
So I walked into a banking hall with my right hand in my bag and shouted, " On your knees everyone!"
.
Before I could blink, everybody had obeyed me. Some people even laid face down.
.
After a while I brought out the bible and said, "let us pray..."
.
I think the seminar guy took my money, all I got in the end was a night in jail.
Why do left handed people always write incorrectly?
Their right hand has nothing left and their left hand has nothing right.
My girlfriend said she dosent want to be with me anymore
I was very suprised that my right hand can talk
Its national left-handers day
I'm going to rub one out with my right hand to give lefty his day off
Why are there more right handed people than left handed people?
God was probably just feeling all right that day
My wife trained me from m**... while she was sleeping.....by trying to be romantic and holding my right hand....
She never saw my left hand coming
I went to the doctor today
There i was, left hand on my left shoulder, finger up my but, when all of the sudden i had a right hand on my right shoulder as well...
Worst dentist ever...
What do you get when you cross a mafia boss and his right hand man?
A bullet in your head, courtesy of Tony and his gang
My buddy called me his right hand man...
He's left handed
When going to the toilet, would you rather use the left or right hand to wipe your buthole
I would personally rather use the toilet paper.
What can you find anywhere that sometimes holds your most prized possession?
Your right hand
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.
.
.
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Funny, right!!
h**... time.
Hold your right ear with your lett hand and your nose with your right hand, then hold your left ear with your right hand and your nose with your left hand, and repeat and repeat.
My wife always says my hands are so soft...
But it's odd, she only says that about my right hand
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand...
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.
She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?
Lefty.
Cardinal Cicola (my late Uncles favorite joke)
Do you know about Cardinal Cicola? He is Pope Francis' right hand man. If one day, something happens to Pope Francis, Cardinal Cicola will become the new Pope.
His name will become Pope Cicola
If I write with the wrong hand that I've lost a limb to Lefty Loathin' Larry...
Then the right hand is my left hand, and my right hand is what's left!
Why would you use your right hand to stir your coffee?
I would use a spoon.
Did you know that Polish aircraft do not have seats on the right side of airplane?
Because poles in the right hand plane are unstable.
Teacher : Explain the process of digestion
Student : It is a process that starts with the right hand and ends with the left hand
Survey Results: I asked 2,250 men if they j**... off with their left or right hand
they all said yes
LifeProTips:
If you want your head massaged and you want it by yourselves then massage your left side of head with right hand and vice versa.
Would i tell this to school children?
I'd give my right hand
To be ambidextrous
How do physicists get laid?
They use the right hand rule.
Now I know that if I ever get tired of my right hand....
I can just book a flight with United Airlines.
Took my girlfriend out last night.
The evening was going well until I ran into friends from work and they asked why my right hand had lipstick on it.
My roommate was running late for class this morning, I asked him if he was up late with his valentine,
Him- "you caught me right handed"
Guess what my lonesome self and my right hand did for Valentines day.
Sign Valentines cards for my relatives.
Have a Coke and a smile!
I opened up a can of Coke, and on the side it said: "Share a Coke with your Soulmate." So, I put the can in my right hand.
Q: The male s**... has two hobbies. What are they?
A: His left hand and his right hand.
Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
A: Lefty.
Two friends talk:
"Hi, what are you doing?"
"Not much, writing a Valentine's Day greeting card."
"Why are you writing it with your left hand? Are you left-handed?"
"No, I just can't let my right hand to see it. It's a surprise for it."
A German shepherd, a Doberman pinscher, and a cat get to heaven and meet Jesus.
Jesus asks the German shepherd, "Why should you be with me?"
The German shepherd says, "I have always been loyal to you, I obey you, and I follow you."
Jesus says, "You can sit at my right hand." He turns and asks the Doberman pinscher, "Why should you be with me?"
The Doberman pinscher says, "I am loyal, I obey, and I follow you."
Jesus says, "You can sit at my left hand." He turns to the cat and says, "Why should you be with me?"
The cat says, "Uh, you're in my seat."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"Just watch, this is the dumbest kid in the whole world."
The barber puts a dollar bill in his right hand and a quarter in his left.He then asks the boy,"which one do you want?" The boy takes the quarter and leaves the shop. The barber chuckles and tells his customer,"didn't i tell you,that kid is really dumb.Even after so many years,he has still not learnt to take the dollar."
sometime later ,the customer sees the kid having an ice-cream outside.He walks up to him and asks ,"Hey son ,I don't think you are dumb. How come you never picked the dollar ?"
The kid answers ,"Because, the day I take the dollar ,the game is over."
Take 4 right hand turns if you are being followed in your car
I read on Reddit that if you think you are being followed, you should take 4 right-hand turns and then see whether that car is still behind you. I recently experienced this fear, and so I took 8 right hand turns out of an abundance of caution and then checked the rear-view mirror. Sure enough, that car was still there, right behind me!
I told the next authority figure I could find, but the parking deck attendant just took my ticket, looked at me funny, and closed her window, so I drove away...
If there is one thing I learned in physics...
It's that my right hand rules