Riding Jokes
144 riding jokes and hilarious riding puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about riding that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some laughs? Check out this humorous article of riding jokes to make you smile! You'll find jokes about riding a bike, a lawn mower, a horse, a car, a bus and Little Red Riding Hood, plus many more. So get ready to jog, trot, and gallop through these funny jokes today.
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Funniest Riding Short Jokes
Short riding jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The riding humour may include short ride jokes also.
- Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
- Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he's dressed up as and he responds I'm a snail! That's M'shell on my back
- Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.
- Two nuns went on a bike ride... ...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street
"I've never come this way before!"
And the other replies
"yes! It's the cobblestones!" - My 9 year old just told me this one and I had to share. What's the hardest part about learning to ride a bike. The pavement.
- I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.
- So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
- My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes. I'm honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.
- IF JFK taught me one thing... The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car.
- I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again. I'll have to retire it.
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Riding One Liners
Which riding one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with riding? I can suggest the ones about bike and bike ride.
- "sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy
- Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
- What's the best thing about going to auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.
- How many adhd kids does it take to change a light bulb? LETS GO RIDE BIKES
- how many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? hey let's go ride our bikes
- Why is PTSD like riding a bike? You never forget
- What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle? A slow poke.
- What's Iron Man's favorite carnival ride? The ferrous wheel.
- What do little sisters love to ride? A nissan.
- My wife asked me why hot air balloon rides are so expensive. I said "inflation".
- What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro? A Metrognome.
- What's the difference between a Tesla and an ambulance? You can afford a ride in a Tesla.
- Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator? It lifts their spirits
happy spoopy day - Why couldn't Napoleon ride the big rides at the carnival? Because He's dead.
- What's Princess Leia's favourite song? Riding solo - Jason Derulo
Riding Bike Jokes
Here is a list of funny riding bike jokes and even better riding bike puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam. It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
- Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don't we ride our bikes at the same speed? Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it synchronizing our cycles.
- l accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked. Now it can ride a bike without
stabilizers. - What is the best part of Pokemon Go? I can ride my bike indoors and professor oak can't do anything to stop me.
- Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity... No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.
- The other day I took a dump, then did some drugs, then went for a bike ride. Then I saw an environmental poster that said "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" - so I did it all over again.
- What did the orphan kid say when he was riding his bike? Look hands, no mum..
- Adding a PERIOD to a sentence can literally change everything, too. For example... *I heard Jane was riding on her bike.*
Becomes...
*I heard Jane was riding on her period.* - I saw a black guy riding a bike down the street I thought it was mine, so I checked my garage and it was still chained up, begging for food.
- A girl is talking to her dog. The neighbours say you've been chasing people riding on a bike, she says.
Liars, the dog says. I don't have a bike.
Horse Riding Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse riding jokes and even better horse riding puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night She's my worst night mare
- I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day. She's turning out to be such a Nightmare.
- Husbands are like horses If you're not riding them, they're running off.
- to ride a horse or not to ride a horse that is equestrian
- My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it. Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.
- I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once. It had its ups and downs.
- My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
- A farmer was riding his horse: The farmer says "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse."
The horse comes to a quick stop and looks at the farmer and says, "Moooooo." - Riding horses is fun and all, but... ...let's be on a steer.
- If the President rides equestrian without a saddle, what do you call the animal he's on? Bare Horse One.
Riding Horse Jokes
Here is a list of funny riding horse jokes and even better riding horse puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are the cops riding horses? Well, someone has to do the thinking.
- I was absolutely devastated when my horse died. I had a lot of money riding on that race.
- My Dad's favorite sports are horse racing, bike racing, and women... ... basically anything where you can put a leg over something and ride it.
- A church father was riding a horse... Or was it the child?
A church father was riding a child... - When I was a kid I wanted to stop riding horses and start playing baseball, but my dad wouldn't let me. I had too many foals.
- What's green and laughs at you while riding away? A Leprechaun on a race horse!
- What do you call a horse riding a surfboard? A Seahorse
- What animal likes to give a pig a ride on his back? A police horse.
- What's the difference between a someone from Texas and someone from Louisiana? One rides horses the other rides their cousins
- Some people asked why I love my horse more than I love my husband My horse don't say no when I want to ride him
Riding In Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny riding in car jokes and even better riding in car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars. Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.
- What do you call a Barbie on fire? A Barbecue!
Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:) - I was riding in my friend's car today when I noticed he didn't have a brake pedal. He said it only slowed him down.
- How does JFK clear his head? He goes for a car ride.
- You hear about the nurse who left his uniform in his buddy's car? His scrubs were hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
- What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride? An I-shoulda-pede.
- Hot women and exotic cars have a lot in common! U wanna ride both but no one will let you
- Why are cars called Sweet Rides? Traffic Jams
- Car rides and plane rides are just like video game loading screens if you think about it. Most of the time they both take way too long.
- What type of pet likes to ride in a car? A carpet
Hilarious Riding Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about riding you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wagon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make riding pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"
Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms?
Better grip.
Happy Halloween :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man rides his camel through New York...
and leaves it to go to a diner. When he comes back, his camel is missing, so he goes to the police.
The police ask a few questions. "Was the camel male or female?"
The man replies, "I'm not entirely sure- Wait! I remember! It's male it has to be!
"How do you know?"
"Well, when I was riding through town people kept pointing and saying "Look at the shmuck on that camel!"
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor
The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
Tribal Wisdom
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...
The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".
*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...
When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"m**... can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."
And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
Red Ridin' Hood's Grandma
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house. She knocks on the door, but all she hears is screams. So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed. She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!" The grandmother replies, "He was, until you showed up."
What's the hardest thing about riding a scooter?
Telling your parents you're gay
A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...
next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
I really want to date the Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.
I heard she's an animal in bed.
The lone Ranger and Tonto
The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...
but that would be half-assed.
An old biker....
was riding down the highway and got into a wreck. His ol' lady was on the back and got thrown. He asked her if she was alright, and she says "I have an 8 inch gash"...He says "I know that but, are you hurt"?
[Dirty] How does Leia spend Father's Day?
Riding Solo
I love riding airplanes
It's the only time I don't feel under the weather.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor
Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
Little Peter came home riding a red girl's bike one day
...and his mother asks where he got the bike.
Peter explains that he went into the woods with Jennifer and that she had taken off her shirt and pants and told him to grab whatever he desired.
"But, why would I want a pair of girl's pants? So, I took the bike".
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
Two cowboys were riding their horses through the plains when they saw an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
See that Indian? One of the Cowboys said. "He can hear everything that's going on for miles around."
They rode up to him, and the Indian said, "white pickup. Four people in the front, six in the back. Big party."
"Wow" the other cowboy said. "You can tell all that from just listening to the ground?"
"Nah, I fell off the back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two w**... were riding a motorcycle....
... When suddenly your mom fell off
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
Two young boys go to a store
They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
A Bee on a Fly
(Disclaimer) this is a repost from something I saw a long time ago, so if someone could get a source that'd be very cool
A bee is riding on the back of a fly. The fly turns around, and asks, hey, are you a bee?
In which the bee replies, I might bee.
The fly then says, dude, that's the worst pun I have ever heard.
The bee responds, I know man, I made it up on the fly.
People who get road rage against people riding bicycles.
They've got serious cyclelogical issues.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For my wife and I, s**... is a lot like bull riding
It's always a challenge for me to last the whole 8 seconds.
I can't decide what to buy for my farm?
Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?
Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.
Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...
The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England
The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England
The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black
My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.
A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.
What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?
Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.
Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.
When I was walking home
When I was walking home, I saw a child riding a bike. It looked remarkably like mine, so I hurried home to make sure. When I got there, I saw it was still chained up in my garage asking for food
A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...
Suddenly the radio starts booming: Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.
The man, confused at this alert thinks to himself One car? There are hundreds of them!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal c**... on the coast was especially hilarious.
We littorally died.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .
What's it like to be drunk?
A boy was riding home from school with his dad. He had just started learning about alcohol and drinking in his health class.
"Dad, when you're drinking how do you know you're drunk?"
"Well son, when you're drunk your speech is slurred and your vision gets worse and worse. A drunk person would see 4 cars in front of us and not 2."
"But Dad, there's only 1 car in front of us!"
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a f**... for bikes riding on top of me
I guess I'm a cycle path
Two flies riding on a motorbike.
One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.
A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"
A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.
The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'
The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'
'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.
Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call this number and ask for Dixie.
(Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever)
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.
Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."
Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that person?"
Officer: "Well, I'm afraid, not. We haven't found the rest of the body yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.
Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.
She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.
"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"
"Get out of here. I'm p**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi
My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses f**....
Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"
I always used to go to the gym with my ex
Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...
We broke up because we couldn't see ourselves getting anywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes
His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.
The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her b**....
"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want her to walk around like that. So I pulled it out of her crack and she punched me in the face for it!"
"Okay, that explains the first black eye." Responds the roommate. "But what about the second one?"
The man says, "well, I figured she liked it there so I tucked it back in!"
An off-duty soldier is riding the train.
When the train reaches its first stop a general walks in and the soldier stood up.
"At ease soldier, sit down.", said the general.
The train reached its second stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general once again said, "At ease soldier, sit down."
The train reached its third stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general said, "You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop."
•
The soldier said, "I'm trying to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago."
A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...
At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-
Now THAT'S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!
The blonde looks perplexed:
How do you give somebody shoulders?
The four horsemen were riding across the world, when Death decided to hit on Pestilence.
He looks over at Pestilence, and with a tip of his cloak, says "M'alady."
Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming.
One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"
A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"
The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"
Two Dutch girls
Two Dutch girls are riding their bicycles home from school one day. The first one says "I've never come this way before." And the other says "it's the cobblestones. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preacher rides into a town in the old west...
As he's riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, "This stallion okay?"
The preacher says, "Yes. We passed through a patch of p**... and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God's good word, to help you worthless, sinful heathens to-"
The Sheriff shakes his head, struggling to hold the animal still, and says "Now before you go preaching to us, why don't you get off your high horse."
A farmer and his new bride
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once." ( had to repost,missed the first half the first time.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the a**... goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.
Riding in car with hubby and 80-yo mom; mom asks why the US flag at Mickey Ds is…
…half staff. Without missing a beat, hubby says its because the ice cream machine is down. I facepalm as my mom asks when that became a thing. 🤦♀️
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.
"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's i**...?"
"Three?! Holy s**..., guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
Grindr
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male friend when his Grindr tone went off and our female driver said, hey, I know that game tone…my husband plays it all the time.
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside...
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
