Richard Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Richard puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Richard

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

What mom loves...

Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!

Son: Mom, what do you love?

Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ...

"I cannot tell the difference!"

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

So, I have these friends, Richard and Alice...

And as it turns out, Richard is very strongly attracted to Alice. He asks her if the two of them can have sex, offering her $100 and stating that he'll be done by the time she picks it up. She agrees, and gets on the bed as Richard produces his hundred dollars.

"You know you're not actually gonna get that much time, right?" Alice asked him. "I mean, the time it takes to pick up $100 is pretty small."

Richard grinned and held up his hundred dollars in quarters, before dumping them all over the bed.

Alice grinned back, rolled up the sheet, and left.

"Mom, why is my sister named Star?"

"Because your dad loves stars honey."
"Oh, thanks mom."
"No problem, Richard."

A man calls his brother while on vacation...

Richard was on vacation, and his brother, John, is watching his cat for him. Richard called John and asked how everything was going.
John answered, "your cat's dead."
Richard freaked out and said, "you don't just tell someone their cat died like that! You let them down easy!"
"okay, how should I have said it?"
"first you say the cat got out, then the next day the cat is on the roof, then the next day he fell, he's at the vet, then the next day, you say he died. So, how is everything else? Did anything else happen?"
"yeah, mom got out..."

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.

The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject.


The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:


*Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"*

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."

This guy died after drinking a whole bottle of furniture polish,

A sad end but a beautiful finish.

(richard dawson: source)

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

Why did Richard leave his home this morning?

For Harambe.

The parking spot on Richard III's grave was restricted...

Only two-door cars were allowed.

Three mothers

Are with their children at a psychologist's office. The psychologist addresses the three mothers, telling them he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to food, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

If your name is Richard...

...is every selfie you take a 'Dick pic'?

What's the difference between Gene Simmons and Richard Simmons?

One porks women the other un-porks them.

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

Guy goes to the doctor...

Doctor: Findings show you should stop your fapping and get another hobby.
Guy: Seriously Doc?
Doctor: Seriously, Richard. Especially when I'm still talking to you.

A kid asked his mother why his sister was named rose.

His mother replied to him, explaining that roses were her favorite color.

He then asked her the same question in regards to his own name.

"You'll get it when you're older, Richard," she responded.



E: I know I said color instead of flower, but I am leaving it.

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

Stallman, Torvalds and Knuth have a conversation.

Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth
engage in a discussion on whose impact
on the computerized world was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."

A money-hungry man opted to change his name

And the Rich get Richard

What's the difference between Richard Nixon and Trump??

Nixon had a problem with Kissinger -- Donald had a problem with Grabbing-her.

A boy asks him mom about his name

Son: "Mom, why is my sister called Diamond?"

Mom: "That's easy, I named her after one of the two things I love the most in life."

Son: "What about my name?"

Mom: "That's enough questions for one day, Richard!"

Richard 'Old Man' Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it's going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it's just going to sit there and collect dust.

What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking?

A fruit and a vegetable.

Richard Feynman had a threesome

double slit experiment

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

A literal dictatorship...

..is a potato boat named Richard.


^^^kill ^^^me

A young boy asks him mum why his cousin is named Diamond...

His mother replies "because your auntie loves Diamonds"

He replies "what about me?"

She responds "enough question Richard"

What Do You Call a Bearded Man Whose Idea of Paradise is 72 Virgins?

Richard Branson.

Richard: "Hi, I'm Richard, or 'Dick' for short"

Guy: "How do you get 'Dick' from Richard?"

Richard: "You ask nicely"

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard.

That way I will become filthy rich.

Have you heard of Richard Potato?

He's a dictator.

Someone asked me if I wanted to watch Richard the third.

I Said 'I haven't the seen the first 2'

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud?

Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

I don't trust anyone named Richard.

If you ask me, they're all kind of dicks.

A boy asks his mother a question

Boy: "Mom, why's my cousin named Jasmine?"

Mom: "That's because your aunt likes flowers."

Boy: "Mom, what do you like?"

Mom: "Oh, be quiet Richard"

Richard Gere stars in American Gigolo.

...maybe it would be more appropriate if it starred Peter Sellers instead?

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

What is Karen's male version's name?

Richard

(For the non-Americans: cause he's a 'Dick')

Richard Nixon's favorite vegetable

Arooooogula

Hey! I found Richard Marx

He was right here waiting for me.

The Housewife and the Grocer 1988 (cat. no. 62)

A Housewife selected three small tomatoes and was told by the grocer they were 75 cents.


"What!" she exclaimed, "75 cents for those small tomatoes? Well, you can just take them and you know what you can do with them!?

"I can't lady," replied the unhappy grocer, "there's a 95 cent cucumber there."

- Richard Prince

My wife told me to talk dirty to her....

I said I was going to give her a Richard Branson right after I slipped her a Trump.

So Richard Spencer just got an alt-high five while being filmed.

Some might call it a punch but I prefer an Alt-Hug

I'm Rich with a capital R!

But my colleagues know me by my legal name, Richard.

Jeremy Clarkson beat Richard Hammond in the latest episode of the Grand Tour a race due to the downforce on the back of his car

Sorry, should've said it was a spoiler

Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?

Dad: She likes roses

Son: Thanks Dad

Dad: No problem Richard

Richard Harrison Died

The cost of his funeral will be $12,000

Richard: *Sits up in coffin*

Richard: I'll do it for 10,000

Richard Nixon makes a really awful dinner for his wife.

He defends himself by saying "I am not a cook".

What did Richard Spencer say when a white woman fell and hit her head?

Ma'am, are you alt right?

So apparently Richard III will remain in that parking lot they found him in.

Because nobody can afford to pay his ticket.

What do you call Richard Nixon in a Roald Dahl book?

ImPEACHment!

Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad : Your mum likes roses.
Son : Then why am I named Richard?
Dad : you are what you eat, son.

A football enthusiast cleverly asked me to sleep with her by asking if she could touch down on my richard...

I said, yeah Sherman.

TIL there is a meteorologist known as Richard Assmann

Punchline: Dickbutt

Why did the blonde throw the clock out of the window?

Because it reminded her of Richard Clock. The man accused of slaughtering her entire family.

Why did Nixon have a reputation for not being punctual?

He is, after all, the late Richard Nixon.

So Richard Simmons is getting a sex change.

Finally going to be a man...

What do Stephen Hawking and Richard Hammond have in common?

They both have poor motor skills.

iPhone 8 will have a refined camera...

It only sends Richard pics.

Tatars

If a commentator is an ordinary potato and a spectator is a potato with glasses, what's a dictator?

A potato named Richard

why did the man throw the clock out the window

because it reminded him of richard clock. the man accused of knife raping his wife

Why did Richard Spencer break up with his Asian girlfriend when he saw her working at a Chinese grocery store?

Because he realized she was a rice trader.

Richard Stallman had a gorgeous date

He left as soon as she arrived in her uber

What's Richard Nixon's favorite game?

I spy.

What does a Richard Branson Convetion and your mum have in common?

They're both full of Dicks

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes