Returning To Work Jokes
115 returning to work jokes and hilarious returning to work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about returning to work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Returning To Work Short Jokes
Short returning to work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The returning to work humour may include short return to work jokes also.
- -Hello, I would like to return a boomerang I bought from here, it's not working. -Of course. Where is it?
-No idea. - When all this is over, I hope I can return to working at the mirror factory where I've worked for over fifteen years. I really couldn't see myself doing anything else.
- I took my item up to the counter. "I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."
He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms." - It's going to be hard after pandemic... ... to return from work and tell your kids, that you're tired. They're gonna be like "We've seen how you work from home. You're not tired".
- What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common? When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."
- After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet Uranus...
- I returned home late from work one night to find a 2004 Land Rover had crashed into the front of my house. It was an awful Discovery.
- The sign in the bathroom at Kentucky Fried Chicken said... ..."Employees must lick fingers before returning to work."
- What does a vegan say to his wife when he returns from a long day at work? Agave I'm home!
- After a long day at work, I was returning to home and I saw a girl running and yelling to me: Please Save me!!! And I promptly replied:
-In jpg or pdf?
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Returning To Work One Liners
Which returning to work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with returning to work? I can suggest the ones about back to work and return to office.
- I bought a boomerang on eBay It didn't work. Then I realised I bought it on no return
- I bought a boomerang for my daughter online But it wouldn't work.
So I had to return it. - You think you have a bad job? I'm working at the Return Desk at Toy R' Us in Connecticut
Returning To Work Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about returning to work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean return to school jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make returning to work pranks.
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have s**... with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having past almost 30 years, the same question still bothers him…
Why he does not look alike his brothers and parents at all - every single one pretty and he so ugly.
He summoned all his courage and decided to ask his mother: "Mom, tell me the truth please, I am adapted, aren’t I?"
The mother burst into tears and said: "Yes, my child! But it didn’t work, they returned you back!"
An alcoholic addict just returned home from a rehab and he saw crate of empty bottles sitting at the corner and he goes there grab one and smacknit to the wall and said "you made my wife leave me."
Grab another one and smashes it and said "you made me get fired from work" and grab another one which was full and was about to smash it and he brushes it and said "you were not part of them and open and drink...."
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
A blond walks into a New York City bank...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies….. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
An engineer wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Panicking, he leaps out of bed in only his robe and slippers, kicks over the wastebasket, and stomps out the flames, spreading ash and cinders all over his bedroom.
A physicist wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. A bit startled, he hurries to the kitchen and returns with a large dinner plate. He places the plate over the wastebasket and waits for the fire to extinguish.
A mathematician wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Coolly, he sits down at his desk with a pen and paper and scribbles some formulas. He scratches out his work, then lights a cigarette and sits back to consider. Suddenly thoughtful, he looks at the glass of water sitting on his desk. He takes one last drag from his cig, then drops it in the glass and watches it go out. "Aha!" he exclaims, "a solution exists!" and then returns to bed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the maternity ward...
Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!" the man replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!" whereupon he h**... into the ward to be with his wife. a few minutes pass, before the orderly returns and says to the second man "Congratulations, sir! you are the proud father of three healthy triplets!" to which he replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work for Triple A!" before going into the ward to be with his wife. A few hours pass but eventually the orderly comes back into the room, and before she can say a thing, the third man jumps up, and tears down the hall screaming. "Sir! what's wrong!" the orderly shouts, chasing after him. The man shouts over his shoulder "I work for Ten Thousand Auto Parts!"
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
A Shlep on the Beach
A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"
Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:
"He had a hat!"
My 2nd Parrot joke!
A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba applied to work for the FBI
Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.
He said, "Son, this may well be the worst I've ever seen anyone do on this test. I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn't even spell FBI correctly! I mean, can you even tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Bubba thought for a moment, then shook his head. The agent continued, "All right do this. Go home, study, and if you come back up here and can tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln, I'll let you take the test again." Bubba agreed and took his return flight home.
When his friends asked, "How'd the FBI test go?" Bubba said "It went great! I've only been with the agency 12 hours and they've already got me on a m**... case!"
A very sexist from my high school days
Person 1, "Your dishwasher stops working and like any good mechanic you hit it and tell it to get back to work, and it does. You return later to find dishes that are only half clean. Why?"
Person 2, "I have no clue."
Person 1, "You must have hit her in the eye."
A foreman working on a construction site walks up to his only workers for the day...
They were an Irishman, Englishman and a Chinese.
The foreman walks up to the Irishman and tells him:
"I will be going out for a few hours to do some paperwork. In the meantime I want you to shovel this pile of gravel into the truck so it can be taken away when I get back."
He then goes to the Englishman:
"You, on the other hand are going to sweep all the dust on the ground left behind by all the cement. I want to see the floor spotless when I return."
He says to the Chinese man:
"I will leave you in charge of the supplies. Make sure everyone gets their supplies."
And having delivered the duties to his workers, the foreman leaves the site to attend to his business.
When he returns, he finds the gravel not shoveled and the floor not swept.
He quickly locates the Irishman and asks him why he didn't do his job. He says: "I would have shoveled this here gravel, but I don't have a shovel. The Chinese guy was supposed to give it to me but I haven't seen him since you left."
He then goes to look for the Englishman, who says: "I can't possibly sweep the floor without a broom and dustpan, as the Chinese man has not given them to me. I have been looking for him for hours but I can't seem to find him."
The foreman, Irishman and Englishman decide to go look for the Chinese man when he jumps out from behind a pillar and yells:
"SUPPLIES!"
an Irish man was working on a building site...
...the foreman asked him to fetch a wheel barrow. A while later the Irish man returned with a wheel barrow in a wheel barrow.
The foreman said "I asked for a barrow why have you fetched two"
The Irish man replied "I needed something to carry it back in"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
f**... all the time
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've f**... at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was f**... because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...
and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"
Who doesn't enjoy a blonde joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies….. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!
"You even sent me a Professional!"
The sons of Superman, Flash and John are chatting...
Superman's sons says, "my dad travels the fastest, he doesnt care about traffic and returns home from work in a matter of minutes."
Flash's son says, "Nah, dude, my dad travels at the speed of light, the moment he finishes work, he's home."
John's sons says, "Please, my dad's shift ends at 5, he's home watching TV at 4:30 already"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer has a new handsome assistant
A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Live Commentary on l**...
A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their l**.... The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.
The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase.
"Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."
At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"
A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...
"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,
"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."
Swish and swash the green tea.
A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"
The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."
The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.
Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"
The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rite of passage
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the c**... breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'
On a day full of infidelity, an American, French, and Japanese businessmen all returned from work early.
to discover their wives in bed with other men.
The American went straight for his 12 gauge shotgun.
The Frenchman began removing his own clothes.
And the Japanese man pulled out his business card and waited politely for his wife to finish and introduce him to the stranger.
Engineer
A ship was malfunctioning so they called in a guy to fix it. The guy went down into the engine room, and returned 2 minutes later saying it was fixed, so they started it up and it worked, and the owner asked how much it was going to cost, and the price was 10,000$
"Thats ridiculous, I need an itemized list of the expenses!" said the owner.
the list read:
*Tapping pipe - 1$*
*Knowing where to tap 9999$*
A catholic church needs money...
So the council gets together and decide to start selling flowers. This business works very well until the florist across the street realized he was losing all of his business. So the florist calls in his friend Hugh Hefner and asks him to go talk to the priests. After a short discussion, they realize there are other ways of making money. Weeks later, the florist's business returns and everything is back to normal. Moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... b**... must get a huge paycheck.
They do their job once and never return to work for life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Englishman, Irishman and a Chinese man working on a building site...
The foreman says to the Englishman "I need you to dig the foundations"
He says to the Irishman "You're going to be mixing the concrete"
And to the Chinese man "You're in charge of the supplies so the other two can do their jobs"
The foreman returns an hour later to find that no work has be done and the Chinese man is missing.
"My shovel never arrived" Says the Englishman, sipping a cup of tea.
"I've got no concrete" Says the Irishman, swigging from a hip flask.
The foreman goes off in a rage to find the Chinese man. Upon opening the supply shed the Chinese man jumps out from behind the door and yells "Surprise!"
Someone returned their laptop at work since it wasn't "heavy metal" enough for them.
Turned out it was just missing a power chord
A man needs to inflate his tyres...
...so he stops at a petrol station, and finds that the air pump needs a token from the petrol station shop in order to work.
The man goes in and asks for one of the tokens.
"That will be 25p" says the cashier, who he pays and gets the token.
The man returns to his car and starts inflating his tyres, and swears as he realises the machine ran out of time half way through.
He goes back into the shop and asks for another token.
"That will be 50p" says the cashier.
"What?!" exclaims the man "It was 25p a minute ago!"
The cashier shrugs and replies "That's inflation for you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde joke
A blonde goes to the store to return her TV she just bought. She takes it to the customer service desk and tells the employee that her TV is defective and would like to return it for a working model.
The employee looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes".
The lady comes back to the next day wearing a brown wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman looks at her and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve blondes here."
The Lady comes back again the next day with a black wig and attempts to return her TV. The salesman says the same thing "I'm sorry but we do not serve blondes here."
Confused, the lady asks how the salesman knew she was a blonde with the wig.
The salesman replies "This is a microwave".
Gone fishing
The husband came home from work Friday afternoon and told his wife he'll be going fishing for the weekend with his friends from work. The suspicious wife ever so kindly offered to pack for him. She went unto their closet and threw a duffle bag full of clothes and toiletries together. Having loaded up his truck, the husband kissed his lovely wife goodbye and took off for the weekend.
On Sunday evening, the husband returned home. The wife cheerfully asked her husband how his weekend was. The husband exclaimed it was great and he had a great time with his friends. However, he told his wife, that he couldn't find his PJs so he was forced to sleep in his jeans the whole weekend. The wife got up from her seat and slapped her husband, and yelled "THEY WERE IN YOUR TACKLE BOX!"
A young carpenter was looking to make some money...
Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.
One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. The carpenter said he would try his best.
And so he began. He toiled day and night, carving every intricate detail to create the biggest depiction of Jesus on the cross that he could.
When he was done, the rich man returned. Upon seeing the carpenter's work, he exclaimed "This is magnificent! This is the biggest carving I've ever seen!" Truly pleased, the rich man handed over the money he promised. The carpenter accepted it, and smiled gleefully - he had made a huge prophet.
Diminishing Return Joke (request)
Salesman: Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your house cleaning time in half.
Woman: Great, Gimme two of 'em!
*Does anyone know of any other jokes that demonstrate the Law of Diminishing returns? Its for a project I'm working on...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An honest, hardworking husband and wife were at the point of bankruptcy, in desperate need of cash to make ends meet.
The wife suggested that, because the husband was already working three jobs and she had only two, she could work late nights as a p**....
The husband expressed concern for her safety but reluctantly
agreed that this was the only way out of their dire circumstances.
So that night, the wife left home at 11 pm & returned at 4 am
The husband awoke (from his nap in front of the home computer where he was working) and asked her, "How did it go? How much money did you make?"
She replied ecstatically, "It was wonderful!! It was easy to
find customers and in only a few hours I made four-hundred and one
dollars!!!"
He looked up and asked curiously, "$401? Who gave you one
dollar?"
And she replied innocently, "They all did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman donates her plasma for some extra cash.
There is a man in front of her in the line for the cashier. She notices that his check is for $200 as he leaves. She excitedly gets to the cashier. To her surprise, the cashier hands her a check for $50. "Wait a second," asks the woman, "how come he got $200 and I only got $50?"
"Well ma'am, you donated plasma and he donated s**...," replies the cashier.
"Oh I see" says the woman.
A week goes by and the woman returns to the donation center. The same cashier is working again. "Oh it's you again," says the cashier, "back to donate more plasma?"
The woman shakes her head no and says, "uh uh", carefully keeping her mouth closed.
Contempt Of Court
Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"
I work in retail, a married man made me laugh
Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
I can use some help with some painting . . .
A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.
When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, Can you spare me something to eat? I haven't eaten in several days and I'm not picky.
The farmer says, I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?
"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.
The painter says, Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.
A young man was looking for work...
He comes across an old lady's house and asks if she has any work for him.
The lady says, "Actually I do need someone to paint the porch."
After some time the boy returns and says, "I've finished painting, but you should know it's a BMW not a Porsche."
Here are some few movie jokes:
The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very wrong.
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.
I work at a tree stand, and had to my first return today.
I was worried that it might be a hassle, but it turned out pine.
I returned to work from the holiday and my coworker asked if I got a haircut.
I responded, "No, I got them all cut."
A monk works at a hotdog stand
A man walks up to him, asks for a hotdog, then pays with a 10! bill. The monk returns him no change and says "change comes from within"
A coke seller
The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.
So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."
"That should have worked."said the friend.
He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
simple rule
Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: s**... will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
An elderly man goes to the doctor for help with terrible gas.
He tells her that he is passing wind constantly and it can be a bit uncomfortable but luckily when he passes wind it doesn't smell or make any noise so he is free to let it go whenever he needs to. In fact, he says, I'm doing it now and you'd never know!
She gives him some medication and sends him off and tells him to come back in 2 weeks.
When he returns he seems upset. He says that the level of gas is more or less the same but it smells so bad that it's choking him.
She says well, that's your sinuses sorted now let's work on your hearing.
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two blondes decide their house needs new siding
So they go out and buy the materials and return home to do the job. They decide it would be best for the first blonde to work on the front and the second on the back.
After about an hour the first blonde goes to the back to see how it's coming and watches as the other blonde picks up a nail and drive in, then pick up another nail and throws it on the ground and continues this repeatedly.
The first blonde yells "Why are you throwing good nails on the ground?"
The second blonde replies "They are defective! The pointy ends are pointing the wrong way."
"You idiot!" Shouts the first blonde. "Those are for the other side of the house. "
Little Totos and his father.
One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home from work Totos run to him and said with teary eyes "dad, mom almost died today", "what do you mean" his father said, "she was in your room with her legs up in the air and she was screaming Jesus am coming am coming, thank god our gardener was there and saved her"
Why are Bachelors slimmer than the Married Men?
Bachelors return from work. See the same boring stuff in the 'FRIDGE' n go to 'BED'.
Married Men return from work. See the same boring stuff in 'BED' n go to the 'FRIDGE'.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ferdinand
Ferdinand went to work in France for 2 years.
When he returned, he told his wife:
-I'm sorry Mary, France is full of hot chicks and I couldn't resist. But at the last minute, when I remembered you, I immediately got off the top of them.
She answered:
-I also remembered you a lot sweetheart, but you have to understand that it's easier to get off the top than to get off the bottom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to return my new s**... robot from Apple today..
I found out she was giving all my roommates root access while I was at work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not my p**...
A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of p**... in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These p**... don't belong to me. I don't even wear p**... just ask your husband!"
A rabbi is retiring...
A rabbi is retiring after a long career and he has saved all of the foreskins he has collected from doing years of circumcisions.
Not wanting to throw them out, he brings them to a tailor and says, "can you make something for me out of all of these skins?" The tailor agrees and gets to work.
After a few weeks, the rabbi returns to the tailor and the tailor excitedly shows him a wallet.
The rabbi says "there were literally hundreds of foreskins, and all you made was a wallet!?!"
The tailor says "if you rub it a few times it will turn into a briefcase"
Three men were in a cafe, talking about their dogs..
First man says: "My dog is so smart if I give some some money he can go the nearest supermarket and buy me some drink.
Second man says: "My dog is so smart that if I give him money, he will buy whatever I want from him and he will return with the change and the receipt.
Both the first and second man turn their head to the third man, who was quiet and was grinning.
Third man says: "My dog works as cashier there."
^^Note: ^^Sorry ^^for ^^the ^^grammatical ^^errors
Gynecologist and wall painting job
Gynecologist had no job and was broke af, after a while and many failed job interviews he gave up on his dreams and found a job as a wall painter.
On the first day, he went to work with two more coworkers to paint some walls in a vacation home at the lake.
After a day of work the team returned and the boss asked the other two coworkers "How was the new guy?"
Coworkers said "Boss, this one is a keeper! I had to promise him a raise, I hope you're not angry".
The boss asked "Why, what happened?"
Coworker answered "Well, the home owners forgot to unlock one room upstairs and we couldn't find the key so he painted the whole room through the keyhole."
A Heavenly Wedding.
Betty and Tim die in a car accident the night before their wedding. In heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.
Six months pass and St. Peter returns. Yes, we can do this for you.
The couple says, Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know—if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can get divorced?
St. Peter answers, It took me six months to find a priest up here—how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?
little Johnny's father gives him $50 to buy some fireworks for new year
When he returns, they try a couple but none of them worked
"Johnny, where did you get these fireworks? None of them work"
"Strange, when I was on the way back, I tried them all and they worked just fine"
Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal
Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Travel to Mars
After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"
"It's a dead, s**... planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.
When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"
"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"
Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."
It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."