Quirky and Hilarious Returning Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
The pharmacist
Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.
The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.
Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
So did you follow him? asks pharmacist
Yup.
Where did he go?
Your house.
Returning on Investment
After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
The Argument
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
Help me find this joke
The joke is about a farmer returning from town and the sheriff meets him and gives him this list of constantly escalating inner connected bad news terminating with the revelation that the farmer needs to get a new dog.
Currency caper
A Japanese man visits Australia.
On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100.
A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen.
"what's up with this?", he enquires, "why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"
"fluctuations." replies the exchange kiosk operator.
"yeah? well fluck you too, white man."
What is kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?
An unfortu-naut...
God that was horrible....
The Olive Garden
I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, because that's what families do.
I'm returning this rude rotisserie.
It keeps f**....
Bartender asks a returning guest...
You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
The logger
So a logger wakes up in the morning and goes off into the forest with his waist-bag, to find some firewood.
After finding some wood, he puts it into his waist-bag and is returning home when a man stops him and asks "What's that bulge in your bag?"
"Oh," says the logger. "Just some morning wood."
You can explore returning home reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean returning pleasantly dad jokes. There are also returning puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
2 nuns were returning to the monastery after a night of drinking and partying in the town.
While they were crawling under the fence one nun turned to the other and said, "I feel like a Marine!" The other nun replied, "Yeah, I do too. But where are we going to find one at this time of night?"
A Vulture Goes Through Customs at the Airport
So this vulture is returning home from an much needed overseas vacation. As she passes through the customs line one of the agents asks, "Do you have any checked luggage?" To which the vulture replies, "Nope, just carrion."
"Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
A man asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer.
"Are you certain?"
"Absolutely!"
"In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
Here are some few movie jokes:
The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very wrong.
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.
Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl...
...the crying, the k**..., the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.
Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?
So they can Scandinavian.
What's the first thing a woman should do after returning home from the battered women's shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Bill O'Reilly not returning to Fox
You can't explain that
simple rule
Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: s**... will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
How to make america great again?
Make it terrible first so that returning to normal looks like it is making it great.
A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda
They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one
What is s**...?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's s**...?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Jewish Judge
Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...
"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.
I'm returning my microwave to Amazon.
It's been a week since I hit the pizza button and they have yet to deliver.
I run a backpack store in the middle east.
Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.
Thirteen
A guy goes for a walk and when he passes by the mental hospital, he hears a patient inside yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
The guy moves along and later when he's returning home and walks by the same hospital, he hears the same voice again yelling "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
And then he sees a small hole in the wall. The curiosity was too strong and when he takes a peek the patient pokes him in the eye with a stick and starts yelling "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A woman is sitting at a f**..., for her husband.
A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman replies "No, go ahead"
The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his t**... and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.
"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."
I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...
"I'll be returning"
I tried to ask Google for some good chemistry jokes.
But it just kept returning "Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Oxygen Fluorine Fluorine."
Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal
Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
An Eskimo drops his truck off at the shop
I'll be back in an hour says the Eskimo
The Eskimo stops at an ice cream shop on the way back. Upon returning, the Eskimo asks the mechanic
What's wrong with my truck?
To which the mechanical responds
It looks like you blew a seal.
The Eskimo frantically replies
It's vanilla ice cream, I swear!
A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?
Dave: because you're a pessimist.
If you think buying condoms is awkward,
Try returning them. I haven't been laid in forever :(
What has four legs and one arm?
A pitbull returning from a kids playground
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?
I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.
And I still haven't found what I am looking for.
What did the vertebrae say when returning from vacation?
I'm back!
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.
On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car c**..." or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."
A woman is sitting at her dead husband's f**....
A man motions to her and asks "Do you mind if I say a word?"
She replies "No, go right ahead".
The man walks to the pulpit, clears his through and says "Plethora".
As he was returning to his seat, the woman stops him and says "Thank you, it means a lot".
Jewish mother goes to the airport
to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.
The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"
Laughter
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day, the guy comes in again, buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Sure did," replies the assistant.
"Where did he go?" asks the curious pharmacist. "Your house."
Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.
Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.
"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm counting your ribs," she responded.
Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to join the workforce as software engineers
On their first day at work, Pumbaa's code keeps returning errors for several hours. Finally, Timon says: "Why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."
What is a q**...?
A Father was returning to the church from a meeting he had in the city when a street walker approached him and said ... hey father $25 for a q**...! The father blessed her and continued on his way. Once back at the church he pull a nun aside and asked ... sister, what is a q**...? ... The sister replied ... $25 just like it is downtown!
My girlfriend says my Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions is horrible.
That's when I got upset and right before I walked out of the room, I turned to her with his impression and said.
I'll be returning.
What did the therapist say upon returning home from a long trip?
There's a lot to unpack here.
officer Training School
Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?
NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answers: I would stomp it & throw it out of my tent.
MARINE answers: I would stomp it, eat it & then go to sleep.
AIRFORCE answers: I would call Room Service & ask WHY there is a tent in my Hotel Room.
A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.
"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"
"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.
"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."
My dad called me yesterday to say that he's returning from his trip to Australia.
The boomer rang
A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home
"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"
"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."
Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life
Because vampires are neck romancers
