Returning Home Jokes

Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining.

She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!"
Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you."

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”

A wife returns late at night back home.

"Where have you been?" asks her husband.
"With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men."
One day later the husband returns back home late.
"Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"

An alcoholic addict just returned home from a rehab and he saw crate of empty bottles sitting at the corner and he goes there grab one and smacknit to the wall and said "you made my wife leave me."
Grab another one and smashes it and said "you made me get fired from work" and grab another one which was full and was about to smash it and he brushes it and said "you were not part of them and open and drink...."

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

The Argument

A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"

Borrowed Car

One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"

What is kitty?

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A woman returned home from a round of golf.

Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"

A joke from Italy

Pierino returns home from school and he is very happy. He tells his dad "Hey Dad! did you know that today me and my friends placed a bomb in the school?
"Are you Crazy?" his dad responds. "You will be in a lot of trouble when i tell the principal what you did and he expels you when you go back to school tomorrow!"
Pierino: "School? What school?"

A man rushes into a doctor's office

He starts spouting about he's freaking out and he needs help.
The doctor resolves to diagnosing him with depression and giving him some pills.
The man returns home and discovers his wife still bleeding out on the ground.

The sons of Superman, Flash and John are chatting...

Superman's sons says, "my dad travels the fastest, he doesnt care about traffic and returns home from work in a matter of minutes."
Flash's son says, "Nah, dude, my dad travels at the speed of light, the moment he finishes work, he's home."
John's sons says, "Please, my dad's shift ends at 5, he's home watching TV at 4:30 already"

A banjo player returns home after a gig one evening...

Parking his car by his housing, he realizes he forgot to bring in with him his banjo from the backseat. He let's it go, thinking it'll probably be there in the morning still. Next morning he approaches his car, and notices that the rear window of his car has been smashed in! Uproared, he rushes to the car, and what does he find once he gets there? Two banjos in the backseat.

The logger

So a logger wakes up in the morning and goes off into the forest with his waist-bag, to find some firewood.
After finding some wood, he puts it into his waist-bag and is returning home when a man stops him and asks "What's that bulge in your bag?"
"Oh," says the logger. "Just some morning wood."

After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet

Uranus...

After returning from a kidnapping, my friend was late to his welcome home party.

I wonder what took him?

A parrot named Nigel leaves home and returns home,4 years later, speaking Spanish

It's pretty common, all the language majors I knew moved back in with their parents too.

Why did the depressed hermit crab return to its old home?

It was a shell of its former self.

I found out today why my father never came home from the store..

The store had a no-return policy

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

After a long day at work, I was returning to home and I saw a girl running and yelling to me: Please Save me!!!

And I promptly replied:
-In jpg or pdf?

Frog reads a book

There's a man who goes to the library and sees a frog there, who takes out 10 books.
The next day, the man goes back to the library and sees the frog return the ten books, and check out another 16 books! The man is very curious to how the frog reads these books so quickly so he decides to follow him home...
THe frog gets homes, sits down, picks up the book and goes "Readdit" Picks up the second book and goes "Readdit!" and so on....

My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview.

I asked him, You seem well qualified. Why didn't you get the postman's job?
I don't know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing 'stamp collections' as my hobby.

A man returns home from a night out at the bar and is quite inebriated

He is trying to get into his house but can't seem to get the keys into the keyhole.
Meanwhile, a stranger passes by and asks the man if he can help him unlock his door.
The man replies, "No, you just hold the house steady and I'll insert the keys."

What does a vegan say to his wife when he returns from a long day at work?

Agave I'm home!

A Blonde hear a "thud" on the ground

Too her surprise, it was a wallet. She decided to do the right thing and turn it in to the police.
After arriving at the police station, the Blonde says,'I'm here to turn in someone's lost wallet.' The officer thanked the Blonde for her deeds and the Blonde returns to her home.
The next day, a package arrived in the mailbox with a wallet inside. The Blonde responds with, ' Thank god someone found my wallet, I must've dropped it while walking yesterday.'

After years at sea...

After years at sea, fighting wave after wave, the mathematician returned home a seacunt.

Yesterday a couple of people came to my home and asked if I'd like to donate to the community pool…

I said "sure, wait here." A minute later I came back from the sink with some water and said, "just return the glass when you get a chance"

The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:
"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."
"Jeez," the other hitman says, "I hope nothing happened to him."

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?

Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work

and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."

ronaldo and Messi will finally both meet each other during the World Cup...

at an Airport as they return their respective home countries.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's going to do when she shows up. His face contorts in frustration. "When I see her face..."
He softens.
"Imma believe 'er."

Golf is a dangerous sport

My wife returned home from a round of golf and said she'd been injured. She told me she'd be hit between the first and second holes.
To which I replied: That doesn't leave much room for a bandaid!

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.
When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"

In the wake of Hurricane Florence, residents of North Carolina are returning home to deal with flood damage, mold, and apparently with the arrival of the President...

Tiny mushrooms.

A newlywed couple is returning home after their wedding.

The husband can't get the key into the lock to unlock his door. The wife sneers and says, "Well, that's a nice start"

I returned home late from work one night to find a 2004 Land Rover had crashed into the front of my house.

It was an awful Discovery.

Why did the Saudi prince return home early during the kingdom's media inspection?

Because when he saw one, he saw Jamal.

My 6 year-old son returns home with a sad expression on his face after getting a bad grade on Math that day

My wife agrees that I should stop helping him with his homework.

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."