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Return To School Jokes

32 return to school jokes and hilarious return to school puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about return to school that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Return To School Short Jokes

Short return to school jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The return to school humour may include short going back to school jokes also.

  1. My brother can no longer return to his school, especially after what he just did... He graduated.
  2. What did Anatoly Dyatlov say when his son returned home with his school report? "Not great, not terrible."
  3. Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl... ...the crying, the k**..., the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.

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Return To School One Liners

Which return to school one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with return to school? I can suggest the ones about back to school and return to work.

  1. Dear God, why do you allow violence in schools? \

Return To School Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about return to school you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean return to office jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make return to school pranks.

What is s**...?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's s**...?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.
His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."
So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."
The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.
"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.
The boy looked at his father, puzzled.
He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of w**...!"

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."

Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic.....

I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her." He returned to reading.

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?

officer Training School

Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?
NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answers: I would stomp it & throw it out of my tent.
MARINE answers: I would stomp it, eat it & then go to sleep.
AIRFORCE answers: I would call Room Service & ask WHY there is a tent in my Hotel Room.

A very sexist from my high school days

Person 1, "Your dishwasher stops working and like any good mechanic you hit it and tell it to get back to work, and it does. You return later to find dishes that are only half clean. Why?"
Person 2, "I have no clue."
Person 1, "You must have hit her in the eye."

A joke from Italy

Pierino returns home from school and he is very happy. He tells his dad "Hey Dad! did you know that today me and my friends placed a bomb in the school?
"Are you Crazy?" his dad responds. "You will be in a lot of trouble when i tell the principal what you did and he expels you when you go back to school tomorrow!"
Pierino: "School? What school?"

Back in 1998, Chelsea Clinton was in high school and went out on a date one night.

Hillary set an 11pm curfew, but Chelsea didn't return to the White House until after midnight.
Hillary had waited up, and grilled her daughter over being late.
Her last question: You didn't have s**... with that boy, did you?
Chelsea: Not according to Dad.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
“Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was I know the whole truth.
Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, I know the whole truth.
His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, Don't tell your father.
He then went to his father and said, I know the whole truth.
His father shoved twenty dollars at him and said, Don't tell your mother.
Thinking he was on a roll, the next day when he met the mailman he said, I know the whole truth.
The mailman responded, Then come over here and give your REAL dad a big hug!

During the 80's, many college students from Eastern Bloc countries - Poland, Hungary, and Romania met each other at a summer camp

Sitting around the campfire after supper, these young people tried their best to communicate with each other (Polish, Hungarian, and Romanian are totally not related), ultimately having to resort to some kind of sign language
Then one dude got an idea: Hey, we all learned Russian in high school, why don't we try speaking in Russian?
… After a brief, thoughtful thinking and pause … everyone returned back to that sign language

Little Totos and his father.

One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home from work Totos run to him and said with teary eyes "dad, mom almost died today", "what do you mean" his father said, "she was in your room with her legs up in the air and she was screaming Jesus am coming am coming, thank god our gardener was there and saved her"

My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

Walking the Dog... Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little
gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A girl comes back form school and tells her grandma that a boy at school has asked her out for a date.

This being her first date, her grandma explains this to her-"If he tries to come near you or hug you, its fine. If he tries to kiss you, well thats fine too. But if he tries to lay you down and get on top of you, just push him and get out of there."
The innocent girl confused asks "Why grandma?"
Grandma replies-"Because then he will disgrace our family."
The girl having learnt the lesson goes on her date. When she returns, her grandma asks her about what happened.
She replies-"Everything went well. First he hugged me, then kissed me. But then he tried to lay me down so instead I layed him down, got on top and I disgraced his family."
Grandma went in coma.

Nort!

Leaving school late one day, a boy rushed home for dinner. Knowing he would not be on time taking the usual route, he sought a shortcut through a large fenced field. Well past sunset, he hopped the fence and began to pick his way through the darkened expanse. About halfway through the field he heard a voice:
"Nort" it said.
The boy paused, and squinting his eyes, called "...yes...?"
Hearing no response, the boy continued on in darkness.
Again, but closer this time, he heard the voice. "Nort! Nort!"
"Yes? Hello? Do I know you?" asked the boy.
Sadly, the boy was not to return home that evening. News of his fate headlined the morning paper:
'Local boy Norton Norbert gored to death by harelip bull.'

Topical Jokes for 6/20

(For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality)
In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937.
In Illinois, a university is offering a scholarship for students who play video games. The school was then forced to suspend the program when a student found out you could get unlimited scholarships, by pressing up up, down down, left right, left right, and B, A.
The Governor of Florida signed a law today making it legal to fire a warning shot at an attacker. The legalization of warning shots is important in Florida, because that's how people greet each other.
Starbucks is increasing the price of it drinks and bagged coffee. To protest the price hikes, customers vowed to boycott Starbucks, and go across the street — to a *different* Starbucks.

The Tallest Boy

As the Principal made his rounds during the first day of school, he could hear a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He quickly rushed in and spotted one boy, much taller than the others, who appeared to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to remain there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the Principal restored order and lectured the students for quite some time on the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"
One girl stood up timidly and asked, "Yes, sir. May we please have our teacher back?"

Two men have been friends since school. One is now a lawyer, the other a farmer...

They stay friends. Years later the lawyer goes to visit the farmer for the weekend. The lawyer arrives at the farm mid afternoon. There are still many unfinished chores and the farmer hasn't time to be a good host until the chores are done.
The farmer says to his friend "I'll be a couple of hours so why don't you go shooting. Grab one of my shotguns, here's the key to my off road truck, take a few dogs and we'll see you a bit later".
Off goes the lawyer.
Five minutes later the lawyer returns. The farmer is confused. He asks the lawyer if everything is ok.
The lawyer replies. "Everything's great. This is so much fun. Do you have any more dogs"?

Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.
"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a h**...."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

Automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school.
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children ?.
The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?. ...

'Potentially' and 'Realistically'

A kid comes home from school and says to his father, "Dad, today's assignment is to find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'." The dad replies, "Easy. Go ask Mom if she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." The kid runs off, and then returns. "She said yes." "Now go ask your sister the same question." The kid does as he's asked. "She also said yes." The dad answers, "So, potentially, we're sitting on 2 million dollars. But realistically, we're living with a pair of w**...."

My 2nd Parrot joke!

A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."

An arab child

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. "What is your name?" – asked the teacher. "Jassem"- answered the kid. "You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" – asked his mother. "My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him. The next day Jassem returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

One night 4 MBA students were outing till late night and didn`t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days.
They said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the dean.
The dean said that this was a special condition test.
All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks:
Q.1. Write down your name –(2 marks)
Q.2. Which tyre burst — (98 marks)