Return To Office Jokes

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.
At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.

She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.
That was three hours ago.
Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.
“Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to s**... the pill!

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

One evening a old man is traveling at 70mph in a 30mh zone a little further down the road.

A police car pulls him over and tells him "I've been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating."
The police officer says to the speeder "I finish my shift in 2 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before I will let you go as it will save me any paper work."
The speeder replies "My wife ran away with a police officer 3 years ago, I thought you were bringing her back."
The police officer returns to his patrol car and drives a way.

"A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader." Harry S. Truman

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -
Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A blond walks into a New York City bank...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies….. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.
"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"
So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.
"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.
The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.
"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"
"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""

A Woman Who Reads

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,"says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Where Is God?

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

A man is sitting in a bar just looking at his drink for half an hour

Then this really big truck driver looking guy steps next to him and takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life you show up and drink my poison."

Barber Shop

One day at a local barber shop a priest went in to get his hair cut. After he finished he asks the barber how much he owes him for the haircut. The barber politely responds with "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my religion". The priest is very thankful and leaves. The next day the barber arrives to his shop and find 12 prayer cards on the doorstep from the priest in repayment for the kind act.
That very same day a police officer comes into the shop to get his haircut. After he is finished he asks the barber the same question and the barber says "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my community". The police officer is also very grateful and leaves. The next day the barber returns to find 12 doughnuts on his doorstep in repayment for the free haircut.
Around 3 o'clock on that day a United States Senator comes in for his haircut. After he is finished he asks the barber how much he owes him and says "This one will be free, think of it as my way of giving back to my country". The next day the barber arrives at his shop and is astonished to see 12 U.S. senators waiting at his doorstep.

Really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

The Pearly Gates and the Brothers

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.
St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
"Who. The black guys?" asked God.
"No. The Gates."

smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A couple of r**... men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

A couple of r**... men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Joke directed insult

A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.

Two equally well-qualified men applied for the same job...

The manager, at a loss of what to do, decided to give them a written test. After time was up, both men handed the test to the manager, who went to his office. He promptly returned, and told the two men that they had both scored a 9/10 on the test, getting the same problem wrong. He then shook the first guy's hand, granting him the job.
The second guy protested, "Why are you giving him the job?! We both got one wrong; give us another test!"
"That's true," the manager replied. "But on the one you both got wrong, the other guy wrote, 'I don't know.' You wrote, 'Me neither.'"

Rent for the apartment!

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

A Governor who was going for a...

...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.
The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.
Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.
What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.
The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.
Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.
Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.
No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.
Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.
I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.

f**... all the time

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've f**... at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was f**... because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.
The officer proceeds to reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of chalk, which he uses to draw a circle on the ground around the vehicle and its intoxicated owner.
After the cop obtains the drunk man's license and registration, he informs the man that he will be arrested if he takes a single step out of the chalk circle.
The cop returns to his car, when he hears the drunk man giggling in the background. He returns and tells the drunk, "If you continue laughing, I'll break your car. Shut up and keep quiet."
Not ten seconds later he hears the drunk man snickering once again. The cop takes out his club and shatters the windshield of the Lamborghini. The drunk man's laughter grew even louder.
The cop yells, "stop laughing!" as he takes out his rage on the Lamborghini even further, breaking all of its windows and batting away at the car's exterior.
The drunk's laughter increases into an uncontrollable fit, as he is practically rolling on the ground beside his mutilated Lamborghini.
At last, the cop furiously asks, "Why do you keep laughing!!?"
The drunk man stands up and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he responds with "Hmmm, welp, I think I may be able to help you. From now on, the second your husband walks through that door I want you to drink some water but keep some of that water in your mouth and swoosh through your teeth until he goes to bed. Do that and I promise he'll never lay a hand on you, ever." The woman, although slightly confused, thanks the doc and leaves.
Later on that night the husband arrives reeking of alcohol. Taking the doctors advice, she guzzles some water and starts swooshing it between her teeth until he goes to bed. To her amazement, it works so she repeats the process for a few weeks. Completely baffled, she returns to the doctors office to quiz him on this "cure". He then says to the woman, "that's called keeping your mouth shut."

Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion.
Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having s**.... She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves.
The Blonde says, "No way! I almost got caught!"

Never argue with a woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s**... assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

A husband calls his wife from his office, and the maid picks up...

The husband ask, "Hello, is my wife around?"
The maid responds with, "No, sir, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."
The husband, completely enraged, orders the maid to kill both his wife and her boyfriend.
Wen the maid returns, she asks what she should do with the bodies. The husband instructs her to simply toss the bodies in the pool.
Silence comes from the other end, and after a few seconds, the maid says, "Pool, sir?"
The husband looks down at his phone and says, "This isn't 229-6342, is it?"

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes over to the window and asks the man, "What's the rush?"
"Well, you see I a body in the trunk and I wanna bury it ASAP before it stinks up the place," Answers the man.
The cop confused, "Why is there a body in the trunk?"
"Well, I wanted to buy 3 kilos of h**... and the other guy wanted to screw me so I shot him," The man calmly replied.
"So there's a dead, 3 kilos of h**..., and a gun in your trunk?!!??!" The cop nervously asks.
"Yeah, and also a bunch of C4. I'm planning to blow up the White House." The man continued.
The cop, frightened, called for back and returned to his vehicle. As the back up arrived the police chief decided to talk to the man in the car again.
"So what's in the trunk?" Asked the chief.
"Nothing just a spare tire."
The chief checks the trunk and sees nothing but a spare tire.
"Ok, where is the bomb, weapons, dead body and drugs?"
"I have no such things." The man answered and seemed very consumed.
"Well, the officer told me you had all these things in your trunk."
The man looks him in the eye and says, "Yeah, he probably said I was speeding too,"

Who doesn't enjoy a blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The blond replies….. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

A Blonde, a brunette and a redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She ' ll never know. "
So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having s**... with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught . "

Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.
"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a h**...."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

A man runs a red light and a cop begins to chase him...

The cop has his lights and siren on, but the man won't pull over. The cop yells through his megaphone to pull over, but still the man continues to drive.
Finally, the cop pulls along side the driver and motions for him to pull over. The driver pulls to the side and stops.
The police officer jumps out of his car and comes up to the driver's window. "Why didn't you stop when I turned on my siren?" he demanded.
"I'm very sorry officer, but my wife left me last week," said the man.
"What's that got to do with anything?" asked the cop.
"Well, she left me for a cop. I was worried you were trying to return her to me."

A new bishop was visiting the homes in the ward

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "revelation 3:20" on the back of the card and stuck it in the door.
The following Sunday he found that his card had been returned under his office door. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the verse, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Edit, jokes are hard when i am drinking

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I f**... all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have f**... twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."
A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"
"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.
So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.
This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every reference he can find, and adjusts the layout to make it more readable. He walks into his advisor's office and says, "I have done everything I possible can, this is absolutely perfect."
The advisor takes it from him and says, "Okay, I guess I'll actually read it this time."

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

What's Your Poison?

There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'
'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

A panda walks in to a bar...

He sits down at a table and orders a bowl of soup. After eating his soup, the panda gets up from his table, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter in the head and walks out of the restaurant.
The manager comes running out after the panda and yells, "Hey! Get back here!" The panda turns to the manager and the manager asks, "What in the world was that all about? You come to my restaurant, eat, shoot my waiter in the head and then walk out without paying! Who do you think you are?"
"I'm a panda...look it up..."
The manager returns to his restaurant and gets a dictionary from his office to look up "panda."
Panda: (noun) large mammal, native to China. Characteristic black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves...

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."
The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.
The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"
"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:
STOP! Acts 2:38! ( Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven. )
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked:
Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.
Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an axe and two 38's!

f**... Cure

A lady walks into a doctors office. She says, " Sir I have a serious problem. I dont know when it started, but I lost control of my farts. Fortunately it doesnt sound or smell at all, but I f**... all the time. You must have not noticed, but I already f**... about 5 times since I walked into your office.
Doctor, silently listening, finally stood up and gave her few pills.
"One of these every day should fix you up in a week."
A week passed, and the lady returned.
She says angrily," I thought the pill was supposed to cure me, but it just made it smell horribly!"
The doctor, surprisingly happy with the result, says, "All right, lets move onto your ears then."

How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??