The Best 26 Retorted Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Retorted jokes. There are some retorted recruit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these retorted sympathetically puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Retorted Jokes and Puns
Wrong way
Anna was worried about her husband: he was not home yet from his trip to Birmingham. She phoned him on his mobile, "Where are you, dear?"
"I'm on the M1," he replied.
"I was so worried about you," she said. "The radio reported that some fool was driving along the M1 the wrong way."
"Just one??" he retorted, "There are hundreds of them!!"
Your generation is too reliant on technology," said my grandpa
"No, your generation is too reliant on technology," I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.
^
^Shamelessly ^stolen ^from ^a ^top ^comment ^somewhere
A cop pulled me over on the freeway.
He said "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"
I said "No sir."
He told me "I clocked you in at 80 mph in a 65."
I tried to reason with him, saying "well officer, you see, I was just trying to keep up with traffic."
He looked at me puzzled and retorted "there's nobody else on this road for miles..."
"but that's how far behind I am."
Sodium lost its electron...
... and its loving best friend, Chlorine, who had sneakily stolen its electron, asked Sodium if it was sure it had lost its electron. Sodium responded, "I'm positive it was stolen." Chlorine retorted with false disbelief, "You salty cation."
A rabbit with a wooden eye and a turtle with a wooden leg
are at a dance. The rabbit goes up to the turtle and asks if she would like to dance.
"Would I? Would I?" the turtle repeated incredulously.
The rabbit retorted with "Wooden leg, wooden leg!"
(Get it? Would I=Wood eye)
A blonde was walking by a field...
And saw another blonde in a rowboat paddling away at the dirt and stirring up a ton of dust.
The blonde walking called out, "Hey! What are you doing?!"
The other blonde replied, "I'm trying to get over to the barn! Could you help me?"
The blonde walking retorted, "Well, I would but I can't swim."
Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...
and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".
When my friend said that we should watch some films, I responded by saying he didn't really enjoy them. He retorted by saying I loved Rashomon...
...but that's not how *I* remember it.
A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"
A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.
A 108 year old man was interviewed for the first time today.
The reporter asked him what was his secret to such longevity, and he answered with a simple, "I never argue." "It cannot be as simple as that" replied the reporter. To which retorted the Elder, "You know, you must be right."
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
You can explore retorted bit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean retorted riposte dad jokes. There are also retorted puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when...
The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.
He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."
Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."
I was in bed with my wife when
I was in bed with my wife when she asked "I've been with you for 3 years. Can we discuss starting a family anytime soon?" I laughed and responded "Having a baby? At your age? That's impossible!" Obviously offended, she retorted "I'm not that old!" I chuckled. "Of course not sweetie, you haven't even hit puberty yet."
An obese woman walked by me and winked.
I shirked, so she gyrated and told me to "take a picture it will last longer."
I retorted, "I don't doubt it."
An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
Did I ever tell you about the time my rival claimed he could best me in his sleep?
I retorted with, That's the only way you'll defeat me, is in your dreams.
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
An orchestra is tuning up for a challenging concerto; all but the first chair oboist.
She is not preparing for her performance. As the draw of the curtains approached, the conductor could no longer abide her inaction. He gritted, "why are you not preparing? Why haven't you habituated your instrument?" She retorted, "I don't believe in oboe warming."
A Globe was walking down the street.....
It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"
An economist goes up to a girl he fancies at a bar.
He asks her, "I'll give you a million dollars if you will have sex at me."
The woman, taken back by the offer, sizes up the economist and agrees.
Now the economist adds, "Actually, I changed my mind. I'd rather do it with you in turn for a hundred dollars."
The woman being insulted, retorted, "What am I, some prostitute?"
"Oh, we already established that. Now we're just negotiating price. "
What did the autistic kid do when he was accused of stealing?
He retorted.
"You're flat!" said the conductor, pointing at the contrabass.
"Maybe," she retorted, "but I've got a spectacular lower end!"
After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."
The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:
The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....
An American is lecturing a British person,
saying things like it's an elevator not a lift and it's chips not crisps etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted they're schools, not shooting ranges .
My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the retorted gazed jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working retorted asked piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.