Retorts Jokes
39 retorts jokes and hilarious retorts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about retorts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Retorts Short Jokes
Short retorts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The retorts humour may include short retorted jokes also.
- A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." ~~~
So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.
The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within." - Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
- Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub... and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".
- "Mommy, why are you pushing the car over the cliff?" "Be quiet Timmy!", retorts the mother "You'll wake up Daddy!"
- My uncle took 4 pictures to to the hobby store to get frames made for them, but got mad when they took an hour to get them finished. "Everybody gets 15 minutes a frame," the employee retorted.
- Did I ever tell you about the time my rival claimed he could best me in his sleep? I retorted with, That's the only way you'll defeat me, is in your dreams.
- "You're flat!" said the conductor, pointing at the contrabass. "Maybe," she retorted, "but I've got a spectacular lower end!"
- I asked my couch-potato wife to go to the gym to do some lifting with me She philosophically retort: "Why should I? The burden of life is already too heavy."
Me: "Indeed you are." - An obese woman walked by me and winked. I shirked, so she gyrated and told me to "take a picture it will last longer."
I retorted, "I don't doubt it." - When my friend said that we should watch some films, I responded by saying he didn't really enjoy them. He retorted by saying I loved Rashomon... ...but that's not how *I* remember it.
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Retorts One Liners
Which retorts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with retorts? I can suggest the ones about grumbles and smirks.
- The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today. RIP Ewan Whosarmy
- What did the autistic kid do when he was accused of stealing? He retorted.
- "Oh yeah? We'll last night I s**... my mom." Retorted Oedipus
Laughable Retorts Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about retorts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean responds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make retorts pranks.
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A man walks into the doctor
A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.
"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."
The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."
The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."
A Greek and Italian were sitting at a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture...
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented d**... s**...!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
A man goes up to a fat chick in a bar...
and says "i'd give you one", she slaps him and says "how dare you?!? Just because I'm fat doesn't mean you can just say you would screw me!" He retorts "screw you?!? I was scoring you out of ten".
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'
My grandpa's favorite joke
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"
A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists
The head t**... is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.
The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
A Greek and a Scotsman
A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who
built the first timepieces and calendars.
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented s**...!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
Greek vs Italian Culture
One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented s**...!"
The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, "Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...
An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."
The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyway."
During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
"If there are 10 birds on a telephone wire and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Little Johnny excitedly raises his hand and the teacher picks on him.
"There would be none left because if you shoot one then the rest fly away!"
Ms. Teacher responds, "No Johnny, the correct answer is nine birds left, *but I like the way you think!*"
Little Johnny retorts with, "Can I ask you a question Teacher?"
"Well of course you can."
"Okay. There are three women sitting on a park bench each with a lollypop; One is s**..., one is l**..., and the other woman is biting. Which woman is married?"
"Oh my," Teacher says, blushing, "I suppose the one who is s**...."
Little Johnny says, "Nope, the one with the wedding band on her finger, *but I like they way you think!*"
An Englishman is walking through a hotel
An Englishman is walking through a hotel in the USA and says to a man, "please hold the lift!"
The man replies, "it's an elevator."
"No, no, no, it's a lift" the Englishman retorts.
"Listen, we invented the elevator in America, therefore, it's an elevator, plain and simple."
"Ah, yes" says the Englishman, "but we invented the language."
Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten
As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"
A child tells the make a wish foundation.
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
A Viking is arguing with his wife
"It's definitely hail" says Gertha
"No, it's rain!" Says Rudolf
"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.
Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"
Woman and the news paper( kinda short)
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. Looking for a man with three qualifications: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed. Two days later her doorbell rings. Hi, I'm Tim. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no legs so I won't run away. What makes you think you are great in bed? the woman retorts. Tim replies, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
A Greek and an Indian...
... were drinking tea one day discussing who had the superior culture.
The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented s**...!"
The Indian replies, "That is true, but we are the ones who introduced it to women."
A man walks into a barbershop
He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're l**...."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have s**... with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us l**...."
A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...
They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."
A bear walks into a bar...
A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"
The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."
The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.
Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and tonic please."
The bartender replies, "Why the big pause?"
The customer retorts, looking slightly confused, "Because I'm a bear."
The Greatest s**... Culture . . .
A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ".
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented s**...!"
The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was the Italians who included women."
5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.
Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.
"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"
"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"
A loud f**... is heard, and everyone in the coffee shop is subjected to a putrid stench
A guy then approaches a gay man, and angrily accuses "I know you're the person who f**...."
Insulted by the accusation, the gay man defends himself.
"I did not! You're accusing me just because I'm gay; you homophobic pig." the gay man retorts.
The man yells back, "Pig? Your c**... hit my face!"
Two Canadians in Kentucky
So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.
Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously The oilman from Alberta says
No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee! The guy from Quebec retorts.
They stop at a Burger King for lunch while they're in town. How do you pronounce the name of this place? Say it real slow, we're having an argument we want you to settle.
The kid at the counter takes a deep breath and says… burr-gerr-king
A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...
The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."
The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"
The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is so superior, we put 50 devil dogs in the jungle, and only 10 were found!"
Finally, a clearly distraught sailor on his 6th shot of whiskey says, "Our camouflage was so terrible, we pushed 50 sailors into the ocean, and only 5 were found."
A p**... drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...
When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."
An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are a**...!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"
"No," he retorts, "I'm an a**...!"
Three old farts talking
Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.
The 70-year-old says,
\- I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."
The 80-year-old says,
\- It's my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always having to jam this walker to full speed."
The 90-year-old retorts,
\- I've got it all over you guys. Bladder works find, 7 AM like clockwork. Bowels at eight. Everything works like it order. Long pause;
\- I only wish I could wake up before noon.
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.
Oh yeah? the son retorts. Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.
An Easter joke.
A priest was arguing with a rabbi.
"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is that there is room for advancement. A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows?, maybe even the Pope!"
The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he become the Almighty?"
"Certainly not!", responds the priest, "what a sacrilegious thought! No mere mortal man can aspire to become the Almighty!"
The rabbi retorts: "One of our boys made it!"
