Retirement Living Jokes
20 retirement living jokes and hilarious retirement living puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about retirement living that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Retirement Living Short Jokes
Short retirement living jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The retirement living humour may include short retirement home jokes also.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east. Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
- I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life.... so long as I die by noon, thursday.
- My Grandpa Raymond and his wife live in a retirement community for swingers. What are his favorite underwear made out of?
Ray on Paulie's Ester - Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle.
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Retirement Living One Liners
Which retirement living one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with retirement living? I can suggest the ones about retirement plan and assisted living.
- I guess I'm semi retired now If I don't find work soon, I'll be living in a big truck.
- I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I do the second day, I'm not sure.
- Where did the engine go after he retired? To live in a motor home
Retirement Living Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about retirement living you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean retirement age jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make retirement living pranks.
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
That restaurant...
Bob and his wife, who live in a retirement residence, are out for a stroll round the grounds one day, and meet up with their neighbour, Ted.
They exchange news, including Bob saying: "Oh hey Ted, me and the missus went to a great restaurant last night."
"Really," says Ted. What was it called?
Bob starts to reply, scratches his head, and says... uh...er...um...what's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, it's red and has thorns?"
Ted replies: rose?
"Aha," exclaims Bob, who turns to his wife and says "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Florida Retirement Community...
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in.
So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog.
I've led a very full life, says the dog. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?
The owner says, Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!
An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...
After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?
Talking dog for sale
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads
"Talking dog for sale"
Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog
"I have had a very full life" says the dog
"I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq,
and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home"
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner
"This is incredible! why on earth do you want to get rid of this dog?"
The owner says "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that."
6**... is the Number of the Beast
This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.
We all know that .
But did you know that:
* $6**....95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
* $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
* 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
* 00666 - Zip code of the Beast
* 1-900-6**...-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
* Route 6**... - Highway of the Beast
* 6**... F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
* 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
* 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $6**... minimum deposit.
* i66686 - CPU of the Beast
* 666i - BMW of the Beast
* DSM-6**... - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
* 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
* 2x4x666 - Lumber of the Beast
An elderly man who just retired
Went out and purchased a Porshe. He decided that he would go take his brand new car for a ride and see what it could do.
As he was speeding around the country side he sped past a police car on the side of the road.
The officer noticing him going well above the speed limit gave chase. The elderly man looking in his rear vision mirror noticed. Swearing he put his foot down easily outpacing the police car.
Only one minute later the elderly man said to himself "what am I doing. This is no way to live my retirement I could get killed doing this" and proceed to pull over and wait for the police car to catch up.
As the officer got out and asked for his Licence and registration the elderly man looked up and said "I'm very sorry officer I just retired today and purchased this new car, I was just trying to have fun"
The officer thought for a moment and said " Look sir I do understand belive it or not today is my last day on the job as well. I tell you what if you can tell me a good reason for speeding off when I gave chase I will let you go."
The old man thought for a moment and replied "Well officer you see my wife recently cheated on me with a police offer and left me. I saw you in my mirror and thought you were trying to give her back" the officer smiled and replied. "Have a good day sir"
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.
” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”