Retirement Jokes
134 retirement jokes and hilarious retirement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about retirement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Retirement doesn't always have to be serious. Laugh along with these hilarious retirement jokes that are perfect for teachers, coworkers, civil servants and even your boss! Learn the best jokes to get ready for your retirement and withdrawal from the workforce. Make sure to include these jokes in your retirement party and you'll have everyone laughing!
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Funniest Retirement Short Jokes
Short retirement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The retirement humour may include short retired people jokes also.
- A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again. I'll have to retire it.
- I'd like to announce that I am retired... ... I was tired yesterday and I am tired again today.
- Cop Jokes? I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!
- The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season. The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
- Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this - What do you call a fly when it retires? A flew.
BUH DUM TSS!
No? Alright.. I'll see myself out. - A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires as a Colonel in good standing among his field
- I told my mate that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it.. I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.
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Retirement One Liners
Which retirement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with retirement? I can suggest the ones about vacation and graduation.
- If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
- What was Bob the Builder called when he retired? Bob
- After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo.
- I have a ton of jokes about retired people. None of them work.
- After Usain Bolt retires, he'll move to Iran.
- Did you hear that Castro's body double retired? He was tired of playing second Fidel.
- What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath
- What did the retired priest call his pizza shop? Cheesus Crust
- What do you call people who like Mondays? Retired people.
- What did they call Postman Pat after he retired? Pat
- I just retired. But I've been watching so much TV I consider myself a Remote Worker
- I guess I'm semi retired now If I don't find work soon, I'll be living in a big truck.
- Why do runners rarely retire? It's hard to finish a 401k!
- What do you call a retired cancer doctor? An Offcologist.
- Why is the retired palaeontologist so lonely? He's always dating himself
Retirement Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny retirement home jokes and even better retirement home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen. We call it LAARPing.
- Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
- What do retirement homes smell like? Depends.
- My family and I put my grandma in a retirement home Because we didn't know what to do with her body
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I had a name idea for a retirement home Last Resort.
- What has a hundred eyes but only 2 teeth? A retirement home
- What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp? I don't know. I'm retiring next month.
- I got kicked out of a retirement home today Apparently Get down before being put down is not an acceptable name for a dance event.
- What have 70 teeths and 2 eyes? -An alligator.
Now what have 2 teeths and 70 eyes?
-A retirement home.
Retirement Living Jokes
Here is a list of funny retirement living jokes and even better retirement living puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east. Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
- I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I do the second day, I'm not sure.
- My Grandpa Raymond and his wife live in a retirement community for swingers. What are his favorite underwear made out of?
Ray on Paulie's Ester - Where did the engine go after he retired? To live in a motor home
Retirement Age Jokes
Here is a list of funny retirement age jokes and even better retirement age puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- What do you call a retired UPS worker? Post-age
(Sorry if repost) - Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.
- Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
- Why do Pirates always end up retiring early? Because from a young age they were taught to contribute to their ARRRR-ARRRR-SP
- I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend. With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?
- How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- what happens when a Dobbs or Firestone worker reach a certain age? He re-tires
- When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.
- Children are the leading cause of old age.
Retirement Plan Jokes
Here is a list of funny retirement plan jokes and even better retirement plan puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After seeing a co-worker win the Powerball, my retirement plan has changed. It's back to $20 million.
- I plan to retire at 30. The used tire business is just calling my name.
- My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you."
- How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA.
I'll see myself out. - What do you call an Irish retirement plan? An IRA
- How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement? Collecting stocks and bonds.
- At my recent birthday party someone asked me when I planned to retire. I said, "Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight I might stay up 'til eleven."
- Had a job interview with The Alliance for Lifetime Income... Forgot to ask about the retirement plan
- My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we're playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
Cheerful Fun Retirement Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about retirement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean retiring accountant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make retirement pranks.
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
Jewish ad campaign
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the f**... do when he thought of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Depression
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Happy Birthday Henry
Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement?
He's taking another stab at it.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got enough money to retire and enjoy life without ever working again..
.. if I die within the next month.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman went on a walk looking for her husband of 50 years...
As she strolled down the sidewalk outside of the retirement home, so approached a shaking bush. When she peered inside, she saw her husband getting a h**... from old Gurt. Startled, they got up. The woman cried to her husband, "how could you do this to me?" He hung his head in shame. "What makes her so great?! What does SHE have that I don't?"
The old man just smiled, and replied, "Parkinson's."
My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal
"I remember a time when Harass was two words.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...
I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting s**......
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.
Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."
Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car?
He retired.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two women meet over a coffee.
"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely n**...
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the n**...," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...
At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a s**..., scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there s**..., you want some super s**... tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"
My wife woke me up all excited this morning...
She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?
He s**......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.
"It's like being semi-e**.... It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."
Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, I bet you I can guess your age.
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
Pull down your pants, she says.
She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, You're 84 years old.
That's amazing, the man says. How did you know?
You told me yesterday.
My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
My school does these things at the end of the year called "Senior Pranks".
Usually the same routine, with some alterations each year. Pull the fire alarm, play inappropriate music over the loud speaker, and throw a couple smoke bombs here and there. I'm always surprised how the local retirement home doesn't threaten to sue anyone.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
Why did Spiderman open a retirement account?
He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.
A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business...
It's called counter intelligence.
Help! I need activity suggestions. I'm going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He's a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.
What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??
A stairway builder was retiring
On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly:
"Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement-stairs..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...
They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and b**...-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast.
No one expected the Spandex intermission.
Quasimodo finally retired from his job today...
He left with a lump sum and 30 years back pay.
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ive heard the local f**... was due to retire..
But hes decided to stick it out for another year
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad said there's gangs at his retirement village
The blood clots and the cripples
What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires?
The Ex-terminator.
A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.
He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day i feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more.
What's wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replied
"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.
One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had s**...?" The old priest sighs, leans back and says, "For my sins, yes. Once, in my youth, I gave into temptation and had a one night stand my housekeeper." The Rabbi leans in closer, "It's better than bacon, isn't it."
Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire
He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stroll. Finally, he realized only one solution was possible: he was going to have to plank the walk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pete, the serial f**... was thinking of retiring soon...
But hes decided to stick it out for another year...
Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.
One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."
Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."
The third guy said, "You're not gonna believe this but I had a business and it was destroyed by a flood and I was able to retire here with the insurance settlement."
After a pause, the first guy asked the third guy, "So who do you call to arrange a flood?"
A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.
Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.
"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.
"Surprise me," said the mohel.
A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.
"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all you can produce is a wallet?"
"Wait, the best part.. if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."
My co-worker told me to retire after this one
My co-worker just bought a new Kia Forte. We were heading to lunch one day and he drove. While in the car I say to him, Man this is a nice car, I was going to ask if I can drive it, but it's not my forte . He usually hates the dad jokes but I got him with that one.
My uncle, a circus manager, said his local hero and famous Human Cannonball was retiring. I asked him what he was gonna so to replace him.
He said it was Impossible. It's hard to find a man of that caliber.
Did you hear about the drummer that came out of retirement?
There were repercussions
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
Ever since I retired from being a math teacher, my whole life has been …
… dealing with the aftermath.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have s**... ?
Colonel:1955.
She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?
The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My f**... friend said he was thinking about retiring from the game
But I convinced him he should stick it out a bit longer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly woman is moving into a retirement home
As part of the admissions process she has a check-up by the resident doctor. The doctor asks, "So have you been having any problems?"
Woman: "Well, I have noticed something unusual. I have this hole in my chest between my b**...."
Doctor: "Hmm, let me have a quick look."
The woman lifts up her blouse.
The doctor bends over to take a closer look, and she says, "Oh you really have nothing to worry about. It's just your belly button."
Tom Brady just announced that he was retiring from football for good.
That's a relief because if he was retiring for evil, then evil would probably win.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do pornstars retire?
They can't take it anymore
