Retirement Age Jokes

26 retirement age jokes and hilarious retirement age puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about retirement age that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Retirement Age Short Jokes

Short retirement age jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The retirement age humour may include short retirement jokes also.

  1. I told my mate that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it.. I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.
  2. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  3. Why do Pirates always end up retiring early? Because from a young age they were taught to contribute to their  ARRRR-ARRRR-SP
  4. I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend. With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?
  5. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
  6. You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
  7. Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
  8. I am so old I can tell the same joke on facebook every day. Some of my friends are so old, they will think it is a new joke every day.
  9. They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

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Retirement Age One Liners

Which retirement age one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with retirement age? I can suggest the ones about retirement plan and retired people.

  1. What do you call a retired UPS worker? Post-age
    (Sorry if repost)
  2. Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.
  3. Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
  4. How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  5. what happens when a Dobbs or Firestone worker reach a certain age? He re-tires
  6. When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.
  7. Children are the leading cause of old age.
  8. The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
  9. Hot single grannies in your area want you to look at how tall you've gotten.
  10. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
  11. The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
  12. s**... at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Retirement Age Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about retirement age you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean retirement living jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make retirement age pranks.

Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"

An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, I bet you I can guess your age.

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
Pull down your pants, she says.
She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, You're 84 years old.
That's amazing, the man says. How did you know?
You told me yesterday.

The Age of a Dinosaur

This old natural museum guide, near retirement, is talking to a group of visitors about a T-Rex skeleton.
"This dinosaur is sixty-five million and thirty-three years, ten months and six days."
"How can the age be so precise?" asks a visitor.
"Well", the old man ponders out loud, "when I started this job, I've been told the T-Rex was 65 million years...'

An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super s**...."
"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-

Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a p**... and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The p**... says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.

One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"
John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself."