Retired Jokes
142 retired jokes and hilarious retired puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about retired that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Read through a collection of hilarious jokes about retired people from many professions such as a farmer, a teacher, a lawyer, a cop, a nurse, an accountant, a doctor, a pastor, and more. Enjoy a few laughs with jokes about former colleagues, army recruiters and freelance workers.
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Funniest Retired Short Jokes
Short retired jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The retired humour may include short retirement jokes also.
- A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris It turns out that idea was taken
- I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again. I'll have to retire it.
- I'd like to announce that I am retired... ... I was tired yesterday and I am tired again today.
- Cop Jokes? I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!
- The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season. The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
- Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this - What do you call a fly when it retires? A flew.
BUH DUM TSS!
No? Alright.. I'll see myself out. - A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires as a Colonel in good standing among his field
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Retired One Liners
Which retired one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with retired? I can suggest the ones about retiring doctor and resigned.
- If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
- What was Bob the Builder called when he retired? Bob
- After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo.
- I have a ton of jokes about retired people. None of them work.
- After Usain Bolt retires, he'll move to Iran.
- Did you hear that Castro's body double retired? He was tired of playing second Fidel.
- Why do pornstars retire? They can't take it anymore
- What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath
- What did the retired priest call his pizza shop? Cheesus Crust
- What do you call Bob the builder after he retires? Bob
- What do you call people who like Mondays? Retired people.
- My grandad said there's gangs at his retirement village The blood clots and the cripples
- What did they call Postman Pat after he retired? Pat
- I just retired. But I've been watching so much TV I consider myself a Remote Worker
- I guess I'm semi retired now If I don't find work soon, I'll be living in a big truck.
Retired People Jokes
Here is a list of funny retired people jokes and even better retired people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.
- Where do people go to retire? Seattle to Seattle down
- How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
- Why do people 'retire' from their jobs? Because they are already 'tired' of their jobs.
- Why do people want to defund the Police? I thought that band retired back in '08??
- What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything? The mythbusters and ghostbusters.
- Didja hear about the coke dealer who retired? He didn't want to put his business in other peoples' noses anymore.
- Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
- What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people? 1. Acquitted
2. Fired, retired or expired - What's the difference between people and tin foil? Tin foil doesn't wrinkle as it oldens.
Retired Doctor Jokes
Here is a list of funny retired doctor jokes and even better retired doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a retired cancer doctor? An Offcologist.
- This doctor is so lucky An E.N.T. Professor retired from college. In the farewell college faculty
gifted him a silver ear.
Thanking the faculty the professor said: Thank god I am not a gynecologist. - Doctor Joke New Physician (to retiring one): I know this is a trying time for you. And I want to thank you for your patients.
- It's time now America brought their retired professionals back to sort out this virus mess... Like doctors, nurses, Barack Obama. ..
- Why do Old People have so many Doctors appointments? So they don't get bored in retirement.
- Why do retired n**... make good animal doctors? Because they're all Veteran Aryans.

Retired Accountant Jokes
Here is a list of funny retired accountant jokes and even better retired accountant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife woke me up all excited this morning... She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.
- Why did Spiderman open a retirement account? He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.
- My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively... ...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.
- They say you should work until your bank account looks like a phone number. I checked my balance and realized, if that was true, I could retire! I have $9.11 in my account.
- What type of retirement account do house keepers invest in? 409k
- Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring. - Why don't highways save in retirement accounts? They rarely go above 70 and it is i**...!
Retired Farmer Jokes
Here is a list of funny retired farmer jokes and even better retired farmer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A farmer wins $30 million in a lottery A reporter asks him if he's going to retire and he says "No, I'm just going to keep farming until it's all gone."
- What does the retired farmer use to cool himself down? An extractor fan.
Retired Teacher Jokes
Here is a list of funny retired teacher jokes and even better retired teacher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ever since I retired from being a math teacher, my whole life has been … … dealing with the aftermath.
- After a few long years of teaching, my disgruntled french teacher now finally retired Hola Amigo

Amusing & Witty Retired Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about retired you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean retiring accountant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make retired pranks.
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?
He became an ex-terminator!
What did the photographer say when he retired?
"I can't take it anymore!"
A human cannonball for the circus retired after 35 years of service.
When asked if the man would be replaced, the owner of the circus said, "No, only because it's hard to find a man of that caliber."
A retired priest and a retired rabbi are friends in a reitrement home...
One day, the priest says to his rabbi friend, "Tell me, honestly, have you ever tried bacon?" The rabbi shrugs and says "Yes, in my youth, I gave into temptation and I had bacon, but tell me my friend, have you ever had s**...?" The priest shrugs and says "I too, in my youth, gave into temptation." The rabbi leans over and smiles "Admit it, it's better than bacon."
Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...
I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting s**......
Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car?
He retired.
I met a famous American comedian on a White House tour
I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I thought you retired in 2009?"
Have you heard about the old wheel that got a new image?
He retired.
Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs....
...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!
Why did the retired police officer decide to become a DJ?
So he could still get to say "Put your hands in the air."
What do you call a retired comedian?
Comedy mold.
What does a retired Olympic sprinter have in common with Bernie Sanders?
He quit running.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
My wife can't stand to be around me ever since I retired from voicing Winnie-the-Pooh
She says I am becoming unbearable.
What do you call a retired professional swimmer?
Washed up.
What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car?
A Corps vet in a Corvette.
Frank the Human Cannonball retired yesterday and has yet to be replaced...
The circus owner said, "It's hard to find another man of that caliber."
A motivational speaker retired due to depression
He discovered he had B Negative blood
Did you hear about that retired actress who was a heretic from Lebanon who married a woman?
She was a has-been thespian Wesleyan Lebanese lesbian.
Did you hear about the shepherd that retired to the Pacific Northwest?
He was sheepless in Seattle.
I'm retired....
I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
There was a bay guard
He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash.
He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day:
Bay guards can't be juicers.
Why didn't the old truck go back to work when it got new wheels?
It was retired!
I was supposed to have a date tonight...
...but she cancelled on me, saying she had to work at the convention for retired shoemakers. Sounds like a load of old cobblers!
My brother-in-law, a retired farmer, collects antique tractors.
He has an entire barn full of them, absolutely amazing, not even any room to walk, and all in perfect working order. He confided in me the other day what his worst fear is. "A barn fire?" I asked. "No, not at all. I'm afraid that when I am gone, my wife will sell all my tractors for what I told her I paid for them."
My Grandpa was a retired Boxer.
He had trouble sleeping. He tried counting sheep but everytime he got to 10 he got up.
A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business...
It's called counter intelligence.
My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"
Step on her toe
Help! I need activity suggestions. I'm going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He's a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.
What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??
Why are retired n**... so good with animals?
They're veteran Aryans.
The retired Sargent goes in for his physical...
The doctor says, "You look pretty fit. You stay active, but I need to ask about your s**... life. When was the last time you had s**...?"
After thinking for a second... "2010." the Sargent says.
The doctor is flabberghasted. "2010?" He sputters.
"Well," says the sargent, looking at his watch, "since its 0800 now, I wouldn't say that 2010 last night was too long ago."
Now that Bob's retired from the cloning lab...
he doesn't know what to do with himself.
A retired politician was fired from his new job as a software developer after only three days
He had no comment
I retired from my job as a miner the other day.
I'm not a hole man any more.
James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.
Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed every body called him Scarecrow, I asked why;
Turns out he was outstanding in the field
Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?
He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.
Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.
It will be called "Geria-
A retired policeman decides to get into aquatic mammal identification.
Whale whale whale, what do we have here then?
What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper?
A seasoned veteran.
Quasimodo finally retired from his job today...
He left with a lump sum and 30 years back pay.
Retired Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a p**... and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The p**... says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.
He was tired of working for Peanuts.
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
How can you tell when a white racist has retired?
He taps into his 401kkk
Why did the proctologist get so depressed after he retired?
Because he didn't feel hole anymore.
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
I'm already retired at 23!
I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired today.
Did you hear about the c**... dealer who retired?
He was tired of putting his business in other peoples' noses.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp.
Why did the old car with bald tires stop working?
It was re-tired.
How do you call someone who is tired again?
Retired.
A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.
The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding officer.
Why couldn't the retired p**... water his lawn?
He no longer had any hose!
My father-in-law is a retired preacher.
The put him out to pastor.
I told my mate that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.
My mother owned a massage company, and I took her place once she retired.
I guess it rubbed off on me.
Why did the retired Stormtrooper reenlist...
He missed it.
What you you call a retired miner?
Doug
A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.
He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day i feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more.
What's wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replied
"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."
The anthropology student and the pirate.
An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.
The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?
The pirate replied:
I lost the leg to a canon call
I lost the hand in a sword fight
And I lost the eye because a seagull s**... in it
The student was skeptical:
A little seagull s**... shouldn't have cost you an eye!
The pirate said:
It was the first day with the hook...
My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen.
We call it LAARPing.
A retired man is driving his brand new, top end sports car down an empty road and decides to open it up...
(Sorry if this joke has been told on here before)
All of a sudden he sees flashing lights behind him. Speeds up at first, thinks better of it, slows down and pulls over.
Cop comes up to the window and says to the man "I got you for speeding, but I would like to know why you sped up before you stopped for me."
The man looks back at the cop and says "Ex-wife left me for a cop, thought you were trying to give her back."
What did the retired detective call his new real-estate business?
Sherlock Homes.
What do you call a retired UPS worker?
Post-age
(Sorry if repost)

