retard Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious retard puns

Little Timmy asks his mom if he can lick the bowl this time...

No, you retard! Just flush like a normal person!

(Wow! This is crazy. This was just a shitty joke I read in captain underpants 8y ago. The most I've ever gotten is 75 upvotes. Thank you soooo much!)

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A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.

If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?

An idiot, answers the kid.

The driver starts laughing


If your dad was a retard, what would you be?

A retard, answers the kid.


If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be?

A taxi driver, answers the kid

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What did the retarded kid get on his IQ test?

Drool

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Slippers and friends

A man tells his son to go get his slippers from his daughter's room. When the son enters the room he sees two smoking hot girls in his sister's room.

"My dad told me to f*ck both of you" - says the son

The sister gets mad and proposes to ask the father if that's really the case. The boy agrees and shouts:

"Dad which one?"

"Both of them, you retard" - shouts back the father

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Troll Milkman

A guy goes to the supermarket and sees a guy selling milk. He asks "How much?" So the milkman tells him "$3 for 1 bottle & $10 for 3 bottles". The buyer thinks this is a retard scheme so he buys a bottle for $3, then another bottle for $3, then another for $3. Then he tells the milkman "I just bought 3 bottles for $9" so the milkman says "This is how I trick people into buying 3 bottles when they could've just bought 1"

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Retarded

Me: I just put my laundry in the fridge. Sometimes I think I am retarded.

Friend: Oh! I do that all the time.

Me: Put clothes in the fridge?

Friend: No. Think that you are retarded.

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But you can.

Not every flower can bloom, but a rose can. Not every plant can survive without rain, but a cactus can. And not every retard can read, but look at you! Go little buddy go!

(sorry if repost, first post on this sub)

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Old, Russian

An old one...

Rambo Retard, the American, and Boris Bog, the Russian, are sitting in MacDonald's hamburger restaurant in Santa Fe, discussing communism.

"In America we have such freedom," claims Rambo Retard, stuffing his mouth with a cheeseburger. "For example, any man who wants to can walk right up to the steps of the White House and call President Bush an asshole!"

"Ah!" retorts Boris, the Russian. "We have equal freedom in Russia. Any man who wants to can walk right up to the steps of the Kremlin and call President Bush an asshole, too!"

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How many retards does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, line up so that I can find out..

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I dropped french class because my teach was a dick...

I was late on the first day and he said i was a retard.

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I told myself I would stop drinking

But I'm not about to listen to some retard who talks to himself.

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A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and to ridicule the kid.

If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?

An idiot, answers the kid.

The driver starts laughing

If your dad was a retard, what would you be?

A retard, answers the kid.



Sudden twist (by u/squidward_is_swag): the taxi driver is infuriated and in a fit of rage. He drives the car off a bridge killing both people. It turns out he had severe mental issues from abuse in his past and was venting out his anger on the child. The child would have died anyway as the driver was planning on murdering him in his psychotic, blurred state of mind.

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Just securing my spot in hell.....

Did you hear about the accident at Country Buffet where a retard got ran over buy a car?

In respect for the family's loss they stop serving mashed potatoes for the rest of the day.......

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Why are antivax parents so afraid of their kids getting autism?

Because they know, first hand, how hard life is when you're a fucking retard.

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What do you call a friendly retard?

A sweet potato

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I'm still a virgin because I'm waiting for someone special.

I have a retard fetish.

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What's the Republican version of a libtard?

A retard.

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If republicans say liberal = libtard

Then i guess republican = retard

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What did the retarded kid get on his math test?

Drool

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Went outside to my car this morning to find somebody had wrote "RETARD" on my window in the snow.

Took me ages to lick it off.

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Some insensitive dolt scribbled "Retard" with a sharpie all over my windows

Took me hours to lick it off.

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Imagine America switching from retard units to kilogram over night

There would be a mass confusion.

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What's a dotard?

My friend, reading the latest Kim and Trump news: What's a "dotard"?

Me, an intellectual: I dunno. A whole step down from a retard?

A very true story.

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A special needs school added a fresh layer of blacktop to their parking lot.

I asked my dad if they re-paved the whole parking lot.

Dad: No, they just retard it.

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Can you imagine the first guy to get constipated?

"So there I was, sitting in a bush for a straight HOUR and I STILL couldn't take a shit!"


"Haa this retard doesn't even know how to shit properly!"

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How do you kill a retard?

Give him a knife and say "who's special?"

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Where do retarded people live?

Downtown

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They always say "okay retard"

But they never ask, "are you okay retard?"

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What do retards wear on their heads?

Handicaps

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What do you say when someone makes a racially insensitive comment?

That's insensitive, you retard.

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Pilots will get this.

RETARD!




RETARD!

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Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a drape?

No? So it was you, you disgusting motherfucking retard!

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Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics

Even if you win you are still a retard

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What does a retard call his dog?

Hnnnnnnnnggg

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How do you confuse a retard?

Say "purple".

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What are the most funny Retard jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Retard? Well, here are the best Retard dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Retard pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes