Resume Jokes
71 resume jokes and hilarious resume puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about resume that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Resume Short Jokes
Short resume jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The resume humour may include short backup jokes also.
- a guy got an interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob. - Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.
- It says here on your resume that you were a m-misogynist? "Yes, I used to give massages."
"OHH! I was confused because--"
"Because you're a woman?" - I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.
- Why don't A.I. engineers need a resume? They just let their projects speak for themselves.
- Interviewer: Can you explain these gaps in your resume? Me : I believe those were caused by the space bar
- I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. Apparently you can't lie on your resume.
- I put on my resume that I can type 700 characters per minute Which is true, but apparently they expected these characters to form words.
- Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about a science book. Donald Trump's resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.
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Resume One Liners
Which resume one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with resume? I can suggest the ones about quit and starter.
- I recently submitted my resume to Sony But they canceled the interview
- What might a farmer put on his resume? Works well with udders.
- Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.
- Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume. Who are they gonna ask?
- Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal Me: my resume talks??
- I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA They asked me to email myself the resume
- did you hear about what happened to Alex Trebek's resume? His whole career's in jeopardy
- Working for Kotex would actually be a logical way to pad your resume.
- Whats the most common work of fiction? The average persons resume
- An unconvincing lie on a resume I good English speak.
- Don't start or end a job in July Because you'll be asked "July on your resume?"
- Person submits resume and gets a job. .
- How do you describe getting cancer on your resume? As a real growth opprotunity
- What is the prettiest thing about a DC girl? Her resume.
- It says here on your resume that you're bilingual? – Esyay, atthay isway orrectcay
Delightful Fun Resume Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about resume you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean repair jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make resume pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... in New York
p**... was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.
The officer had done this several times, and p**... still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, p**... went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'
A Winking Salesman!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my grandfather recovered from his second heart attack at 64, he went to the doctor.
The doctor told him - "It's safe for you to resume normal s**... activity."
Without skipping a beat my grandfather replied - "Oh thank god, I was getting sore from the wife's k**... stuff."
A pirate with a parrot on his shoulder was applying for a job.
His resume spoke for itself.
They keep telling me to submit a strong resume, but
RESUME is getting me nowhere!
Should I include "hard working and honest" in my resume?
Applying for a software engineer's role at Volkswagen.
Resume
I walked into an interview for a new job and handed over my resume. The interviewer began reading the resume and stopped half way through. He looked up and asked, "Why did the resume start off printed, then ended in pencil?" I replied, "I used all of my resources."
a Russian man goes to a job interview
A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"
I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV
Now im a comic sans resume
Co-Op is good for your resume.
Sure it might be hard to coop with the workload, but instead of starting a job, you'll be resuming one.
Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email?
Attachment leads to suffering.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a p**...'s resume list as her top attribute?
She's a consummate professional.
I put I was related to Spiderman on my resume when applying for a valet position.
I told them they call me Pro Parker.
Another interview joke
During a job interview, the interviewer asks, I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?
The applicant responds, I went to Yale.
Excited, the interviewer says, Yale?!? You're hired!
The applicant replies, Yay! I got a yob!
I'm not the tallest guy, so when I left university and applied for the job I wanted, I put down that I was a dwarf on my resume, hoping that being some type of minority would help me...
I didn't get the job though.
The interviewer just said that I was selling myself short.
Facebook is looking to employ
No need to send in your resume; they already have your information.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...
Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.
What did the sheep say to the interviewer when he spilt coffee on his resume?
Don't worry, it's lamb-inated
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife just told there was a brothel opening up featuring only s**... dolls.
I told her if I wanted to have s**... with an inanimate object I would resume having s**... with her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My local police station were looking for a r**...
I gave them my resume but they didn't accept me
Trump stakes to resume business with Kayne West as the spokesperson.
There will even be a new dish, Kayne Asada.
My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.
Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.
Why did Jesus resume his ministry in the United States?
Because he promised himself he'll only cross the border once.
I want to get a job as a firefighter then quit two hours in
To my first 9am shift. Having 9-11 firefighter in my resume would make it much easier to get jobs.
INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."
ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"
If you're looking for a seasonal employment opportunity this winter
You could always submit a resume for the chief of staff position at the white house. It's not likely to last more than a few months.
Boss: If I knew your writing was so small I'd never have hired you
Me: Well it was on my resume, you should have read the small print
How would you write I changed a light bulb on your resume?
Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.
My daughter has decided to become a poll worker this election year...
She decided it sounded better than putting "stripper" on her resume.
For my 3rd cake day I'd like to re-re retell
Resell, retail, retale, resail reset preset presume resume
Assume retell
That my favorite joke is good ol' #788
Job Interview
"It says here you are fluent in Spanish."
"Oui, Oui."
"Ok, that's french."
"Better add that to my resume as well."
An applicant is being interviewed for an engineering position
Interviewer: Your resume says that you can solve math problems quickly.
Applicant: Yes
Interviewer: Okay, what is 35 x 8?
Applicant: 250!
Interviewer: That's way off.
Applicant: Well, it is, but as my resume said, I'm a quick solver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A swedish man shows up to a job interview
The interviewer says, "Mr. Gustafson, could you explain the 4 year gap in your resume?"
"I went to Yale", he replied.
"Outstanding! What did you go to Yale for?"
"Yacking off in the library"
