Results Jokes

166 results jokes and hilarious results puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about results that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find humor in your results with these hilarious jokes about exams, elections, and more! Laugh your way through tests, accomplishments, and other noteworthy achievements. Funny jokes about results and Covid tests, A-level results, and more!

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Funniest Results Short Jokes

Short results jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The results humour may include short outcome jokes also.

  1. Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
  2. I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
  3. I'm glad the cave rescue is complete.... Now when I google thai boys I can get back to normal results
  4. What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub? I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.
  5. My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves
  6. Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
  7. The reason Nevada doesn't have any election results yet is If you count in vegas, you get kicked out
  8. Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
  9. Today my doctor told me I was colorblind. The results came completely out of the purple...
  10. I got my Covid test results back today. It said "50"... what does that even mean?!
    Also, my IQ test came back positive.
    I'm so confused.

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Results One Liners

Which results one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with results? I can suggest the ones about goals and resulted.

  1. My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
  2. 2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico
    silver - Mexico
    Bronze - Mexico
  3. This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right I keep getting mixed results
  4. If not using commas was a crime would it result in long sentences?
  5. A frog took a DNA test The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.
  6. I was just diagnosed with colorblindness The result came completely out of the purple
  7. I got my IQ test results back They were negative.
  8. Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test Straight eh's
  9. The results for The Disaster Artist are in. Overall, it's received Hi Marks.
  10. Putting Your exam results on the window of your car So you can park in disabled spots.
  11. What do you call a fatality that results from friendly fire in a gang war? Homiecide
  12. I googled 'my life' no results found
  13. Where is the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of a Google result.
  14. Son: "Dad, did you get your DNA test results back?" Dad: "Call me George."
  15. The letters I, Z, R and E walked into a bar. The result was bizarre.

Election Results Jokes

Here is a list of funny election results jokes and even better election results puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election. We know our results months in advance!
  • The U.S. election results delay is pathetic In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.
  • Did you hear about the results of the recent Ent election? The alder statesman will remain at the elm, despite losing the poplar vote.
  • The results of the election are in! Oops, sorry, that info is only for us Russians.
  • I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election But I don't think you would ever get it
  • Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away
  • The 2020 Election Results are in! Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.
  • [Russian Joke] What will the results of the next election be? No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!
  • Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election He always did want to be a minority.
  • How did the Democrats feel about the results of Georgia's special election ? The just couldn't Handel the loss. They had worked their Ossof for it.

Exam Results Jokes

Here is a list of funny exam results jokes and even better exam results puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The doctor enters the exam room with important news... "What were the test results?"
    "Don't worry about it."
    "Well how much time do I have?"
    "10 what?"
  • Exam results have improved since 2001. Well duh. That's fifteen years ago.
  • Doctor: I have the results of your Amnesia Exam. Me: What are you talking about?
  • Paula's eye exam results showed that she was almost blind, but her optometrist decided to prank her by telling her vision was perfect. Paula did not see that one coming.
  • I went to get some feedback on my prostate exam results... Thumbs up.
  • My s**... experiences are much like my exams. A lot of nervous build up before hand, performance is rushed and the end results are often disappointing.
Results joke

Search Results Jokes

Here is a list of funny search results jokes and even better search results puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results or page 1 of Bing.
  • I searched Google for "How to cheat on my girlfriend." The first result was "I hope you used the left hand to type that."
  • Where's the best place to hide a corpse? The second page of search results.
  • Where is the best place to hide something? On the second page of Google search results.
  • Why was the pyro so upset when he searched for his favorite book in the library database? Results showed "no matches found"
  • eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.
  • Best place to hide stuff? Page two in Google search results!
  • Was doing an image search for Gary Oldman Accidentally forgot the R. Results were hairy.
  • Where is the best place to hide a body? Buried in the third page of google search results.
  • I searched Google for "popular singer, last name Crosby, active from the 20s-70s." I got plenty of results but they were not as helpful as I would have liked. Guess I should have used Bing.

A Level Results Jokes

Here is a list of funny a level results jokes and even better a level results puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Levels Despite my A Level results being A B B A, it still seems no employer will Take a Chance On Me.
  • 'C' has just been promoted to the second letter of the alphabet! However R & D believe the rise in C levels will result in a loss of B's.
  • Remember students, don't worry about your A level results today. most girls I went to school with got a lot of D's and now they have jobs as full time mums
Results joke, Remember students, don't worry about your A level results today.

Giggle-Inducing Results Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about results you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean achievement jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make results pranks.


A man walks into a doctor's office. He describes his symptoms to the doctor, and the doctor decides to run some blood tests on him to figure out the problem. After the test results come back, the doctor approaches the man and says, "Sir, I'm sorry, but you're suffering from a severe case of Onomatopoeia." The man, looking frightened, replies, "Onomatopoeia...what is that?"
Said the doctor, "It's just what it sounds like."

A man goes to visit the doctor

Man: Did the test results come back?
Doc: Yes, and the prognosis isn't good.
Man: Well how long do I have?
Doc: About 10.
Man: 10 what? Years? Months?
Doc: 8... 7....

A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.
"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."
The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."
The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.
The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

A man gets a call from his doctor.

The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."

A woman gets up in the morning.

She enters the bathroom, brushes her teeth, gets dressed and finally steps onto the weighing scale.
She looks down to see the results, and suddenly starts screaming happily.
"HONEY, I've lost 6kg since yesterday!", she yells.
The husband looks up from his newspaper and answers:
"Don't be so surprised, you haven't put on your make up yet!"

Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

Tom Jones Syndrome

A woman goes to a doctor's office to get results back from a test she took a few weeks ago. The doctor sits her down and tells her "You have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome." The woman, scared, asks "Is it rare?" and the doctor replies "It's not unusual"

Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop m**....

Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.

A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.
Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back...

and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."


Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor one day and tells him she's been having some stomach pains. In reply the doctor takes some samples and tells the woman to come back a week later when the results are in. So a week later the woman goes to the doctor and asks "So what's wrong with me?", "well..." says the doctor "in 6 months from now you be changing diapers.", in astonishment the woman exclaims "wow, I'm pregnant?", "No..." says the doctor "you have bowel cancer."

A man is feeling horrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor runs numerous tests that last for hours. Finally, he walks back in, a grim expression on his face.
"I have your results back," the doctor says, "and I'm afraid it's not good. I'm going to tell you this directly, you really don't have long to live."
The man is understandably stunned and struggles to find the right words. "I-I... how long do I have?"
The doctor sighs. "10."
There's a pause before the man speaks "Ten? Ten what? Ten weeks, ten months?"

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'


'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

A comfortably old joke

A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

Bad news...

Doctor says, "Your test results have come back, and it's not good."
Patient says, "Give it to me straight, doc. How much time do I have left?"
Doctor says, "Ten."
Patient says, "Ten what? Months? Weeks?"
Doctor says, "...Nine..."

Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.

"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.
Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

Chinese Joke

Got my blood results today turns out my blood type is A negative.
My dad is going to kill me

Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

Guy getting test results from his doctor and the doctor says "we have some good news and some bad news"

"The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you"

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

I recently entered a blindfolded m**... competition...

I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...

So I got my blood test results back...

apparently I did good, got an A+

A man gets a call from his Doctor

Doctor says i have the results from your examination, im afraid i have some bad news and worse news
The man asks whats the bad news
Doctor says according to the report you will die in 24 hrs
The man says what can be worse than that
The Doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.

I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results..

What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a u**... sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your u**.... You're diabetic." She says.
Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."
"Sure thing, sweet pee."

Everything in my life is going so great...

even the test results are coming back positive!

Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.
"What? How?" Guy exclaims.
"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."
"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"
"An arm and a leg."

Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test.

The results came back negative.

So, the baby frog finally got his results in...

It turns out he is a tad Polish.

A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

Doctor are my results ready?

"Doctor, are my results ready? I'm dying from curiosity!"
Doctor: "Heh, not only from curiosity ;)"

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

IQ result

Psych Admin: "Sir, your IQ results are in, you scored 91."
Me: "Wow, my first A+"

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit m**....

I asked, *Why??*
He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

Why did the scientist's results show that the Earth was flat?

Rounding error.

Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.
"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"
"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.
"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"
"And the bad news?"
"Nobody voted for you."

I went to the Doctor's Office the other day

I had to get an x-ray and when the results came back the doctor said "This is exactly what I was scared of."
"What?" I replied.

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...
Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.
Doctor: ...and m**..., c**..., m**..., oh and you're pregnant.
Patient: it was an everything bagel.

After 10 years of raising their child

, the mother notices that the kid looks different.
So, she decided to do a DNA test.
The results come out, and show that the child isn't theirs.
She tells her husband, "I have some terrible news, dear. This is not our baby!".
The husband replies, "yes, do you not remember?
When we were about to leave the hospital, you noticed that the baby had wet it's daipers and told me 'honey, go change the baby' ".

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently

The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!
How can it be bad news having daylisex for life?

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.


Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

The doctor told him some bad news.

A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit s**..., he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

A detective is trying to solve a m**... mystery

A lady was killed by being stabbed 17 times. The only evidence was a knife, fully made of concrete. The detective sent the knife to a lab, hoping for any DNA evidence, but unfortunately, the results came back inconclusive.
The detective was puzzled. He was sure it was concrete evidence.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.

A man gets sick and, fearing he might have Covid, goes to get tested

When the results of his test come back he gets called in and the person asks him, first, are you a Democrat or Republican?
The man says, what? What does that have to do with anything?
Well, if you're a Democrat you've got Covid. But if you're a Republican it's just a hoax.

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Wife: Start with the good news!
Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"So what's the prognosis, Doctor? Just tell me, I can take it."
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten years. Well, it could be worse."
The doctor shakes his head slowly.
"You mean - months? No? Weeks? Please, not just 10 days!"
"Nine," says the doctor.

Results joke, A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

jokes about results