Resting Place Jokes
26 resting place jokes and hilarious resting place puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about resting place that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Resting Place Short Jokes
Short resting place jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The resting place humour may include short resting jokes also.
- I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions." - When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection... It will be my vinyl resting place
- The man who rests on his laurels… ….is wearing them in the wrong place.
— Harold Coffin - Mosquito came buzzing up and landed on me, said, "I just need a place to rest and maybe a bite to eat." I said, "I feel you."
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Howlingly Hilarious Resting Place Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about resting place you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean retirement home jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make resting place pranks.
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place
A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
Mafia florists
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.
A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks. The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.
The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son's confused face, he tells him, It's for Ron .
Who's Ron
Later Ron .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, Rest in Peace.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a f**... taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest gives a young nun a lift home from church one day..
As he's shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun's knee.
The young nun looks up at the priest and says, Father, remember Luke 14:10.
The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed.
Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the nun says, Remember Luke 14:10, Father.
The priest apologizes, The flesh is weak.
So he drops her off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14:10.
Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!
A priest is on a plane sitting right next to a woman. She is so beautiful and has such magnificent proportions that the priest is having a hard time keeping is eyes off of her body.
In a moment of weakness, he lays his hands on her legs and as he does, the woman looks at him, and tells him: "psalm 134:2".
Embarrassed, the priest takes his hand off of her legs and doesn't speak to her for the rest of the flight. When he reaches home, he immediately searches for his Bible and looks up the verse that the woman told him. It reads:
"Lift up your hands to the holy place and bless the Lord!"
The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.
All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.
The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."
The frightened passengers look at each other.
The pilot speaks again with heavy breathing: "We need to lose some weight to assure a safe landing. If you are unselfish, brave and willing to be a hero, please let go of the assistive grips."
A deep voice pierces the air. "I'm on it" a middle-aged man says, letting go and falling to his doom.
Amused by his empathy and bravery, the rest of the passengers proceed to clap.
A priest is giving a nun a ride home one day...
As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee.
The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10."
The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg.
Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father."
The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says.
"Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thow have glory."
Mort Goldman walks into a bar
The bartender says "mort, why are you still here? The rest of your people left days ago for Jerusalem!" "I'm not falling for that trick!" Mort replied "a place so great is sure to be a myth, it's surely just a trick to lure us all away." Mort finished his beer and left. On his walk home mort noticed all of the shops in his neighborhood closed and not a similar face in sight. Becoming concerned he decided to call his brother to see what was going on. Upon calling, his brother assured Mort that Jerusalem did indeed exist and it was better than he had ever imagined. Mort boarded the next flight still skeptical, but determined to see for himself the glory that awaited. When Mort arrived at the airport he was awestruck. He stood silent for minutes before muttering under his breath "I can't believe it, it Israel"
Annoying Husband
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life."
Neighbours feared him.They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, be died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked. "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come hack to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wrong Flowers
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. Rest in Peace.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere, there is a f**... taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… 'Congratulations on your new location!'
Mean Old Man
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...
When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.
When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.
Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.
The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.
So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."
A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...
They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.
Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.
There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.
"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.
"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.
The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."
So there's this Irish Pub..
in Ireland of all places. Anywho, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, "Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!"
After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, "No, none of those will do!"
When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, "I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"
Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.
Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, "You're home late."
"Yeah, well I won the cheers!"
"Ah, what'd you say?"
"What'd I say.." The man thinks for a moment, he doesn't want to get in trouble with his wife, "I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!"
"Aww, such a lovely thing to say" exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.
The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, "You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night."
To which the wife replies, "Yeah I don't understand it, I mean he hasn't been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa's got lot's of things to do, you know.
Santa's placing presents under a Christmas tree when he hears a soft voice behind him, "Santa…"
He turns around and sees a gorgeous woman peeking out of a bedroom doorway.
"Come to bed, Santa"
"h**...! h**...! h**..., gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"
She opens the door the rest of the way, revealing a sheer nightie.
"Oh Santa, come to bed!"
"h**...! h**...! h**..., gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"
With the slightest of movements she slips out of her nightie. As it floats gracefully towards the floor, her absolutely perfect body is revealed.
"Santa… Oh Santa… Come to bed Santa."
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta Stay! Can't get up the chimney this way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Father Knows Best!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a c**...? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the c**....
As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another c**... because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second c**....
As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more c**.... Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third c**....
During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".
Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night.
He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door.
An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way.
Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return.
Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"What's wrong?" asked Johnny.
"Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery we had my little girl's f**... this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night."