Response Jokes
128 response jokes and hilarious response puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about response that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out the best response jokes that you can use to answer to old, bald, and lame jokes. Learn the funniest and most creative jokes that will make your audience laugh. Discover how to use different tones and how to comment with a simple "ditto" as response.
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Funniest Response Short Jokes
Short response jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The response humour may include short reaction jokes also.
- Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.
- I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
- Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks. Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.
- BREAKING: North korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery. They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
- The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.
- Interview Employer: This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I'm the one you want!
At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible. - What if aliens are responsible for global warming? And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
- A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding
- My boss just called me to tell me I'm responsible for the collapse of another bank. I said What? How can that be possible. I don't even work in finance. I'm a builder
Share These Response Jokes With Friends
Response One Liners
Which response one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with response? I can suggest the ones about answer and wort.
- With great reflexes... Comes great response ability.
- What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
- Why is Stephen hawking successful? He can't run away from his responsibilities.
- Being tall is an enormous responsibility Short people look up to you.
- Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news The struggle Israel
- What did the chemist say in response to a clever joke about helium? He He :))
- The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you. It falls on your shoulders.
- The American COVID-19 response I don't even need to say anything else it's already a joke
- Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility... everyone is counting on them.
- I'm not the kind to walk away from responsibility I run
- 25% of your roof has been blown off due to a hurricane! What's your response? oof!
- What did the doctor say after Kim Jong Un died ? Kim Jong Un-responsive
- Here's a joke I asked a cute Jewish girl for her number. Her response: we have names now
- What has four legs but can't walk? 7yo daughter response: half an octopus?
- What's the worst possible response when your kid comes out as gay? "Hi Gay, I'm Dad!"
Response Time Jokes
Here is a list of funny response time jokes and even better response time puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got uninvited from a friend's wedding Perhaps RSVPing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't the appropriate response.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for spending too much time taking care of my deaf sister... She said I was too ear-responsible
- What's the best response when someone wastes your time? Answers below please.
- I've been letting my friends and family down way too often lately... Its about time I take some responsibility and start disappointing myself.
- My response any time my boss tells me they need people to help cover shifts this week: That sounds like a personnel problem.
- Why do people keep answering Amazon's Customer Question section with the response of "I don't know?". Why take the time to write it if you don't know? Answer: I don't know
- In a recent interview a few Germans were asked why they are celebrating Trump's election... Their response: "For ze first time in modern history, ve will not be ze ones to start ze vworld vwar"
- So I texted my father asking if he had extra queen bedsheets laying around His response: "Nope, you're not covered this time"
I'll see myself out - In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property. It has been this way since the Down of time.
- So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
Response To Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny response to old jokes and even better response to old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station? No power, no responsibility.
- Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I'm responsible. Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, Eric is responsible.
- I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility. But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".
- On a pirate's birthday, I asked him how old he was His response: "Aye matey"
- Today I found an old floppy disc and showed it to my 12 yo brother. His response was: "Why would you 3D print the save icon?".
Giggle-Inducing Response Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about response you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean react jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make response pranks.
Try this on someone
say to them "Ive got a great knock knock joke for you but you have to start"
most likely their response will be "Okay, knock knock"
you then say "Who's there?"
They will usually be terribly confused and a hilarious awkward silence ensues
An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...
An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed
So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got into a big argument with my girlfriend and she screamed, "You're just using me for s**...!"
I replied, "Well what you expect?"
"Love and support!" She shouted in response.
"You're just using me for love and support!" I yelled.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...
...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"
OCD
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital s**......
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of i**..., you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home to his wife...
Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the r**... game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't b**... Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Scientists and spiders.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her
Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:
Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?
Her: (Shakes her head no)
Me: She missed her native tongue.
After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man h**... to a s**... club
He sits down in the front row. A man sits behind him.
A girl comes out and starts dancing. Both of the men cheer.
She takes off her top. Both men cheer.
She takes off her bottom.Only the man in the front cheers.
Curious the man in front turns around and asks
Where'd all the enthusiasm go.
The man response. "all over your back"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my c**......
Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
Women Think Differently
Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest h**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b**... her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin¹s h**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white
They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.
"God! Are you white or black?"
"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.
"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"
"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"
"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."
Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines.
The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.
The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...
"Benedict Cumberbatch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man at the bar ......
A Man says to the guy sitting beside him...
Man: I slept with your mom!
No response from the guy
Man: I slept with your mom!
Still no response
Man: I slept with your mom!
Guy :Shut up Dad you're drunk !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.
"Well, I'll be d**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Korean and a Jew
Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?
Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.
Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?
Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?
Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.
Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
I'm a responsible adult
Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
The Way Women Think
Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"
God had asked Jesus and the Devil to type out their quarterly reviews...
They are almost finished when suddenly, the power goes out. When it comes back on and they reboot their desktops, the Devil's screen is blank while Jesus's reviews stayed intact. Frustrated, the Devil asks Jesus why he still has his reviews. Jesus's response, "Jesus saves."
On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home
It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
Chernobyl
Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?
He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."
Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...
At least act like you've been there before.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
The perfect response to "there's a party in my pants and everyone's coming"
"Is it a search party?" Ba-dum-tiss..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is....
But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.
Women.
(Joke credit to me)
I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"
I bought purple Jell-O mix and now I feel like a superhero.
With grape powder comes great responsibility.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program
You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom told me to go join ISIS...
She says I could learn how to claim responsibility for once
A man visits his 70th class reunion
He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!
What do you call the an ant in a colony who is responsible for establishing incoming trade deals with other ant colonies?
Import-ant
What did Spiderman say when he worked at MacDonalds?
With minimum wage comes minimum responsibility.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... wrote on his FB status:
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party
. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"
Best way to learn about your problems is
Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.
I like my women like I like my alcohol
Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices
A kid asked his father What is dark humor?
The Dad responds with See that man in the wheel chair, tell him to stand up. And the kid's only response was But dad I'm blind.
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
Beer Belly
Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"
My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."
Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents
Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C"
She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the h**... is wrong with you?!"
My response was "Why the h**... would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home
After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there's a nice woman at the front desk who can tell you!"
