The Best 55 Response Jokes

Following is our collection of Response jokes which are very funny. There are some response responsive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these response riposte puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Response Jokes and Puns

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...

An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:

LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed

So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

I got into a big argument with my girlfriend and she screamed, "You're just using me for sex!"

I replied, "Well what you expect?"

"Love and support!" She shouted in response.

"You're just using me for love and support!" I yelled.

OCD

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."


A man comes home to his wife...

Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the rape game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"

Quantum humor is so random

Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replied, No, but I can tell you exactly where I was. Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger replied, I do now.

One of my buddies turned 90, so for a birthday surprise I sent a hooker to his apartment. When he opened the door, she introduced herself and informed him that she was there to give him super sex. His response...

I'll take the soup.

My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her

Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:

Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?

Her: (Shakes her head no)

Me: She missed her native tongue.

After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"

So a man hoes to a strip club

He sits down in the front row. A man sits behind him.
A girl comes out and starts dancing. Both of the men cheer.
She takes off her top. Both men cheer.
She takes off her bottom.Only the man in the front cheers.
Curious the man in front turns around and asks
Where'd all the enthusiasm go.
The man response. "all over your back"

My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch...

Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.

You can explore response comment reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean response react dad jokes. There are also response puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf...

The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband:
"Oh Harry!"

She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again:
"Oh Harry!"

She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away:
"Oh Harry!"

Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white

They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.

"God! Are you white or black?"

"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.

"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"

"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"

"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."

Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines.

The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.

Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

The man at the bar ......

A Man says to the guy sitting beside him...
Man: I slept with your mom!
No response from the guy
Man: I slept with your mom!
Still no response
Man: I slept with your mom!
Guy :Shut up Dad you're drunk !


An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

After sex last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

There were two sisters

There were two sisters named Petal and Fridge.

One day Petal was curious and asked her father, "Why was I named Petal?"

His response was, "Well, when you were a baby a flower petal fell on you."

Then Fridge says, "BLARGHHHALHGLAHG".

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."

The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.

He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"

God had asked Jesus and the Devil to type out their quarterly reviews...

They are almost finished when suddenly, the power goes out. When it comes back on and they reboot their desktops, the Devil's screen is blank while Jesus's reviews stayed intact. Frustrated, the Devil asks Jesus why he still has his reviews. Jesus's response, "Jesus saves."

Arnold Schwarzenegger and windows 10

Just after windows 10 was released, Arnold was asked if he was ever going to upgrade to windows 10.

His response? 'I still love Vista, baby.'

I got uninvited from a friend's wedding

Perhaps RSVPing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't the appropriate response.

Chernobyl

Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?

He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..

His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"

"A touching story"

One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead.

The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again.

As i said its a touching story...

Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news

The struggle Israel

The perfect response to "there's a party in my pants and everyone's coming"

"Is it a search party?" Ba-dum-tiss..

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is....

But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.

Women.

(Joke credit to me)

I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.

I swore at a nun the other day...

She hit me with her ruler,

It was a measured response.

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

In response, I told her, It's not what it looks like.

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Best way to learn about your problems is

Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.

The American COVID-19 response

I don't even need to say anything else it's already a joke

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.



Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".

I said that thanks to my Mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.

Donald J Trump was asked what the J in his name stood for

His response? "Genius".

After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

America's coronavirus response is a lot like my ex-girlfriend's legs.

They opened up fast for just about anyone, and now everyone who took advantage is suffering from a viral infection.

Pavlov's Dog

After we finished the pop quiz in our psychology class, our teacher allowed us to quietly talk amongst ourselves. A group of us were discussing the idiocy of Pavlov's dog and how pairing a stimulus with a conditioned response seemed illogical in the real world. Then the bell rang, and we all headed out to lunch.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?


Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him


Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.


Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?


The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies


Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C"

She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"

In response to the pandemic, the construction industry is finally letting employees work from home.

Only catch is it ain't their homes.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the response responders jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working response question piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes