JokoJokes

Response Jokes

128 response jokes and hilarious response puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about response that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out the best response jokes that you can use to answer to old, bald, and lame jokes. Learn the funniest and most creative jokes that will make your audience laugh. Discover how to use different tones and how to comment with a simple "ditto" as response.

Funniest Response Short Jokes

Short response jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The response humour may include short reaction jokes also.

  1. Why is spiderman so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.
  2. I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
  3. Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
  4. Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible." Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "
  5. I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks. Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.
  6. BREAKING: North korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery. They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
  7. My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII. Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
  8. A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
  9. The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?" No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.
  10. Interview Employer: This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible.
    Applicant: I'm the one you want!
    At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible.

Share These Response Jokes With Friends




Response One Liners

Which response one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with response? I can suggest the ones about answer and responding.

  1. With great reflexes... Comes great response ability.
  2. What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
  3. Why is Stephen hawking successful? He can't run away from his responsibilities.
  4. Donald J Trump was asked what the J in his name stood for His response? "Genius".
  5. Being tall is an enormous responsibility Short people look up to you.
  6. Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news The struggle Israel
  7. What did the chemist say in response to a clever joke about helium? He He :))
  8. The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you. It falls on your shoulders.
  9. The American COVID-19 response I don't even need to say anything else it's already a joke
  10. Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility... everyone is counting on them.
  11. What was that Spiderman quote again? With great reflexes, comes great response ability.
  12. I'm not the kind to walk away from responsibility I run
  13. Why do deaf people make such good workers? Because they're never ear-response-able.
  14. 25% of your roof has been blown off due to a hurricane! What's your response? oof!
  15. What do you call a bird with no responsibilities? A millennial falcon

Response Time Jokes

Here is a list of funny response time jokes and even better response time puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got uninvited from a friend's wedding Perhaps RSVPing "Maybe Next Time" wasn't the appropriate response.
  • Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
    On my last job,
    every time anything went wrong,
    they said I was responsible."
  • So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with... "Maybe next time" wasn't the best response. Who knew?
  • My girlfriend broke up with me for spending too much time taking care of my deaf sister... She said I was too ear-responsible
  • What's the best response when someone wastes your time? Answers below please.
  • I've been letting my friends and family down way too often lately... Its about time I take some responsibility and start disappointing myself.
  • My response any time my boss tells me they need people to help cover shifts this week: That sounds like a personnel problem.
  • Why do people keep answering Amazon's Customer Question section with the response of "I don't know?". Why take the time to write it if you don't know? Answer: I don't know
  • Employer to applicant: In this job we need someone who is responsible. Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
  • What do you call someone who can't find a job? A Psych major.
    (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.

Response To Old Jokes

Here is a list of funny response to old jokes and even better response to old puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station? No power, no responsibility.
  • Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I'm responsible. Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, Eric is responsible.
  • I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility. But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".
  • The perfect response to the age-old insult "Ur mum's gay!"
    "Which one?"
  • On a pirate's birthday, I asked him how old he was His response: "Aye matey"
  • Today I found an old floppy disc and showed it to my 12 yo brother. His response was: "Why would you 3D print the save icon?".
Response joke, Today I found an old floppy disc and showed it to my 12 yo brother. His response was: "Why would you

Response joke, Today I found an old floppy disc and showed it to my 12 yo brother. His response was: "Why would you

Giggle-Inducing Response Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends

What funny jokes about response you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wort jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make response pranks.

Try this on someone

say to them "Ive got a great knock knock joke for you but you have to start"
most likely their response will be "Okay, knock knock"
you then say "Who's there?"
They will usually be terribly confused and a hilarious awkward silence ensues

An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...

An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed
So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

I got into a big argument with my girlfriend and she screamed, "You're just using me for s**...!"

I replied, "Well what you expect?"
"Love and support!" She shouted in response.
"You're just using me for love and support!" I yelled.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.
The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog said, "Roof."
Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat. "Well, how bout a different word, double or nothing?" the man said. The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"
In a muffled response the dog said, "Ruth."
Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar. As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. "DiMaggio?"

The two troublemakers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one

Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital s**......

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of i**..., you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

A man comes home to his wife...

Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the r**... game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"

Joke directed insult

A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.

Don't b**... Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."

Scientists and spiders.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

One of my buddies turned 90, so for a birthday surprise I sent a h**... to his apartment. When he opened the door, she introduced herself and informed him that she was there to give him super s**.... His response...

I'll take the soup.

My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her

Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:
Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?
Her: (Shakes her head no)
Me: She missed her native tongue.
After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"

My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my c**......

Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.

Three guys show up in heaven

Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

Women Think Differently

Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest h**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b**... her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin¹s h**...."

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be d**...."

A Korean and a Jew

Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?
Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.
Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?
Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?
Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.
Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

After s**... last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

There were two sisters

There were two sisters named Petal and Fridge.
One day Petal was curious and asked her father, "Why was I named Petal?"
His response was, "Well, when you were a baby a flower petal fell on you."
Then Fridge says, "BLARGHHHALHGLAHG".

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

The woman and her chili.

A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom. This causes him to v**... back into the bowl.
In response, the woman said: "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"

Johny the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."

Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"

Chernobyl

Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?
He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is....

But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.
Women.
(Joke credit to me)
I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is they all say, "Don't do it! You will lose all your freedom! Make the responsible choice." But after it happens they say "We're disappointed but we can make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Whoops, I accidentally autocorrected "Trumps' Presidency" to "teen pregnancy"

I bought purple Jell-O mix and now I feel like a superhero.

With grape powder comes great responsibility.

After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

A man visits his 70th class reunion

He drinks a fair amount there and then asks for his crush from high school's hand in marriage. She accepts and then they drink some more. The next morning the man remembers that he had asked the woman to marry him but not her response, so he calls her up and asks if she said yes. She replies, "Of course I said yes. Thank goodness you called me though." The man, puzzled asks why. She replies "I had forgotten to whom I had said yes to."

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.

My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.

Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

My wife caught me m**... to an optical illusion.

In response, I told her, It's not what it looks like.

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

I had s**... with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

What did Spiderman say when he worked at MacDonalds?

With minimum wage comes minimum responsibility.

o**... wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party

. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"

I like my women like I like my alcohol

Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"
My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

After having s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

America's coronavirus response is a lot like my ex-girlfriend's legs.

They opened up fast for just about anyone, and now everyone who took advantage is suffering from a viral infection.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C"

She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the h**... is wrong with you?!"
My response was "Why the h**... would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"

President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home

After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there's a nice woman at the front desk who can tell you!"

Why does spiderman always have the best comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability!

After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"

Response joke, After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven

jokes about response