responded Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious responded stories

What are the best Responded puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Responded? Well here is a complete list of Responded to have fun with:

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"


While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."


A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not fucking wait in line for anything! Sir."


Hung Like a Baby

I got married last week my fiancΓ©e and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiancΓ©e came up to me and said

" I have to admit something.... My boobs are not really this big, I have been stuffing my bra the whole time!"
I responded "it is Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!" "I have something to admit as well.... I am hung like a baby!"

she also said "it is OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!"

So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her "your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!"

I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said "I thought you were hung like a baby"

"I am 7 pounds 6 ounces 19 and a half inches"


A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."


An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'


The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.

I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"

Classic Denzel.


[NSFW] Can I...?

Here's an old Roy Chubby Brown joke.

I was in my changing room the other day and a female staff member came in and was tidying up. I looked at her for a while and then plucked up the courage to ask, "Excuse me, love. Can I smell your pussy?"

Shocked, she slapped me and shouted, "You most certainly cannot!".

"Oh," I responded, "It must be your feet, then."



A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"


Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."


A charitable organization noticed that the richest man in town had never donated.

A representative of the organization called the man. "Our research shows that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd like to donate some amount to help those in need."

The man responded, "Did your research show you that my mother is suffering from a chronic illness, and cannot afford her medical bills?"

"Erm, no..."

"Did your research take into account my sister, whose husband died and was left broke with four children and no job?" the man said.

"I'm so sorry..." the rep began but was abruptly cut off

"Or perhaps my brother, who is a disabled veteran and is confined to a wheelchair, and long wait lists at the VA just to see a doctor?"

The representative was speechless.

Then the man said, "And I don't give any money to them, so why the hell should I give any money to you?"


Jane found Tarzan attractive

When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle, she had never seen such a fit man, and she was greatly attracted to him. As they got to know each other, she asked him what he though of sex.

"Sex? What is sex?" Tarzan asked.

She explained the concept, and he responded, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree for that."

Jane was horrified and said, "Oh no, you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here, Tarzan," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan stepped closer, removed his loincloth, and then gave her a powerful kick in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

He replied,"Tarzan check for bees first!"


Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"

Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Cornishman on an overseas flight.

After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Cornishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once me ansum," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."


A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girls walks into a pet store and looks up at the owner with her big brown eyes.

"Mister," she said in a quite voice, "I would like a little bunny rabbit".

The owner looks down at her with a smile. "And what type of bunny rabbit would you like?" He responded, "A brown little bunny rabbit or a white little bunny rabbit or a black little bunny rabbit?"

"Mister," the little girl replied, "I don't think my python gives a shit."


"How long should my essay be?"

Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."


A chihuahua??

Two women were walking their dogs one evening when they came across a club. One woman, having never been to a club before said she wished she could go in right now except they wouldn't let her dog in. The other woman proclaimed that was nonsense and to follow her lead. She pulled a pair of dark sunglasses out of her purse and walked up to the bouncer. They bouncer explained that they don't allow pets in the club.
"No, this is my seeing eye dog," she responded.
"A boxer?? That's unusual."
She said it was a new thing they were trying with her and then the bouncer let her in. The second woman didn't really know how to follow up with that since two blind women together trying to get into a club might be suspicious. She goes up to the bouncer anyway who tries to stop her from coming in with a pet. She also says that it's her seeing eye dog.
"A chihuahua? I've never seen one as a seeing eye dog before," the bouncer says to her.
She responds, "They gave me a fucking chihuahua????"


A drunk guy is in a bar.......

A drunk guy is in a bar when he suddenly says "Hey everyone! I bet I can fart the national anthem!" People start coming wondering if he'd really do it. The man then takes off his pants,kneels on the bare counter and takes a shit. The angry bartender then asks him what the fuck he was doing and the drunk responded "Well even Elvis had to clear his throat!"


Romney was asked about the Chinese going to the moon...

He responded that when they are up there, they will be able to see the flag we planted over 40 years ago. This is a pretty clever comeback. But the last laugh is on us. The US flags are now all beached white due to the unprotected exposure to the sun's UV radiation. This means the Chinese will think the French made it first.


A guy walks into a chili restraunt...

... and orders a bowl of chili. "Sorry sir, but we just sold our last bowl to that man over there." Said the cashier as he pointed to a man sitting at a table across the room.

The guy walks over to the man and notices has plenty of food and hasn't touched his chili.

"Hey, are you going to eat that chili?" He asked.

"Oh no. You can have it if you'd like it." The man responded.

The guy sits down and begins to eat the chili. When he gets to the bottom, he sees a dead rat in the bowl and throws up all of the chili back into the bowl.

The man across the table says "that's about as far as I got too."


Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.

johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"

johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"

johnny responded "well, not necessarily."


Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion.


A maintenance matter

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"


Mutual Agreement

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."


Two Flies in a bar

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.

"What's happened to you?" he asks.

"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.

"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."

The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.

"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.

"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"


I asked my North Korean friend how he was doing....

...and he responded, "I can't complain."


Dog names

A guy asked his blonde friend, What are the names of your dogs?

The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."


Crappy advice

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist said:

"You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The clerk responded, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!



so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.


A lady walks into a jeweler...

A lady walks into a jeweler and spots a lovely diamond necklace. She bends over to take a closer look and lets out a very loud fart. The lady was very embarrassed but when she looked around, there was no one there but the manager.

The manager came over to the lady and asked "Can I help you with anything?".

The lady said "Yes, how much for this diamond necklace?".

The manager responded "Lady if you farted when you saw the necklace, you'll shit yourself when you see the price!"


There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.


A redneck family was visiting the city...

...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"



Mujibar get a job in India

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.


His first blowjob

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


Little Billy was in class, learning about Custard's last stand...

The teacher asked all the kids to draw a picture of what they thought was going through the mind of General Custer. Little Billy drew a cow witha halo over it's head and a bunch of Indians having sex. "Um... Billy, what is this?" The teacher asked. Little Billy responded, "It's what General Custer was thinking, Ms. Johnson... 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians. "


A young man walks into a bar and sits down...

"what can I get you?" inquired the bartender. "I'll have 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well in that case I'll give you a seventh shot on the house!" "No offense sir, but if six shots of Jagermeister won't get rid o the taste, I don't know what will!"


A rich man and a poor man are at a bar talking about what to get their wives for Christmas.

The rich man says " I got mine a Mercedes and a diamond necklace just in case she doesnt like the car" the poor man responded " I'm getting mine flip flops and a dildo. If she doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck herself."


Man with 5 penises

A man has 5 penises and when one of his friends found out, they asked him "How do your pants fit?" The man responded, "Like a glove".


A Man Boards a Plane...

He sits down next to a fellow passenger and the passenger sees that the first guy seems really embarrassed and stressed about something.

"Is everything alright?" The passenger asks

"No, I just made a complete ass out of myself. When I purchased my tickets, I saw that the lady behind the counter had really large breasts. I asked her for a ticket to 'Titsburg' instead of Pittsburg." He responded with his head in his hands

"Well that's ok," the passenger responded "In fact I did almost the same thing this morning."

"You did?" the man asked "What did you say?"

"Well," started the passenger "I was having breakfast with my wife and I tried to say 'Please pass the milk' but when I opened my mouth I instead accidentally said 'stupid bitch you ruined my life!'"


My girlfriend asked me what color her eyes were today...

I responded, "36C".


Two cannibals...

Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"

The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"


New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"

"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."


A woman returned home from a round of golf.

Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"


What did the gay guy say while parking?

Wow, I'm not straight at all...


Kermit Jagger needs a loan.

Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.

Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,

"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"


The man with no enemies.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"Β  Almost everyone held up their hands, but some were hesitant.

So the minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he repliedΒ gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.Β  How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. TheΒ 
congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"So, Mr. Barnes, would you pleaseΒ  come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down theΒ  aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced theΒ congregation, and said simply, I outlived all them assholes!"


A midget walks into a library.

A midget walks into a library and gets the woman working at the desk's attention.
"Excuse me," he says. "I was just wondering if you had any books on irony?"
"We do," the librarian responded. "It's on the top shelf."


My Cousin's Wedding Night

On my cousin's wedding night he approached our grandfather and asked, "Pap, you and gram have been married for 56 years. Can you give me any advice on my wedding night?"

My grandfather responded, "take the hardest thing you got and put it where she pees."

My cousin thought for a moment and then asked, "why would I put my bowling ball in the toilet?"



You've read some of the best responded jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty responded gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

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