respond Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious respond puns

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

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My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

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I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

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In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadian



If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

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A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and ask,

"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."

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Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids what it is...

He gives them a hint
"It's what your mom calls me"

The kids respond
"It's a fucking dick, don't eat it"

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Just a bug

A mother, father, and their 8 year old son are driving home from baseball practice when out of nowhere a dildo was thrown out of a car in front of them and slammed into the windshield. The boy in the back seat was startled and asked "mommy what was that?" The couple looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Finally the mother said "oh don't worry honey, it was just a bug." The little boy then said "I'm surprised that thing could even get off the ground with a dick that big."

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Two blondes are having a conversation...

Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange!

The other respond:

OMG! So, it's not a box?!?

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"Yes, you're free now"

I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

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An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"

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An Englishman, and Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are sitting in the back of a bar...

The bartender waved to them and asks, Hey! Back there! Can you see me?

The men look up and respond:

Yes!
Oui!
Si!
Ja!

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So my dentist says to me...

So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"

Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"

This literally just happened. She lost it.

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Imagine how someone from a thousand years ago would respond if you told them that in the future there will be giant metal birds that fly people around the world?

Don't you mean across?

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...

They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

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The aliens!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don`t screw around with him."

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There's a plane crashing down...

On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to crash. Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."

Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.

The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.

The Prime Minister grabs a chute and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"

The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.

The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."

"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."

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What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?

Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.

How did the birthday child respond?

You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.

To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

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Doctor's bad day

There was this doctor working one day, everything was going by as usual. then this beautiful blonde girl shows up, the doctor was stunned by how hot she was, he had to get into her pants. "Ok, I like for you to take your shirt off" said the doctor, the girl does and the doctor starts rubbing her thighs "You know what I am doing ?" ask the doctor, "yeah you're checking for abnormalities" she respond. next the doctor tells her to take her bra off, she does, and he starts rubbing her boobs "you know what I am doing now" said the doctor "yeah, you're checking for breast cancer" finally, he goes for it, he rips off her pants, throws her on the table and starts having sex with her, "you know what I am doing now," said the doctor. the girl replys "yeah, you're getting herpes and that's way I'm here."

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A man tells his doctor about his wife's poor hearing.

In order to determine the level of hearing damage, the doctor tells the man to ask his wife something from 15 feet away, Moving 5 feet closer and trying again if she doesn't respond, until she responds.

The man then goes home and sees that his wife is cooking.

He stands 15 feet behind his wife and asks,

"Whats for dinner?"

No response.

So he moves 5 feet forwards, and asks again,

"Whats for dinner?"

Still no response.

The man moves forwards again, until he is only 5 feet from his wife.

"Whats for dinner?"

The wife turns around and shouts,

**"For the third fucking time, Beef stew."**

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Harambe and Cecil the Lion walk into a bar

Bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

They respond, "Two shots, please."

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An old man is concerned that his wife is starting to go deaf...

The old man goes to the doctor and says, "My wife can't hear very well anymore and I am getting worried. What should I do to help her?"

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, walk 5 ft closer and ask again. Repeat this until she can hear you and then let me know how far away you were standing."

The man is so concerned for his wife that he agrees to do what the doctor suggested. When he gets home, he sees his wife cooking in the kitchen. He stands 25 feet from his wife and says, "What's for dinner?"

The wife does not answer and he walks closer, "What's for dinner?"

The man does this 2 more times until he is standing only 5 feet from his wife. The man is now very worried and tries one last time, "What's for dinner?"

The wife looks over and yells at him, "I HAVE TOLD YOU 4 TIMES ALREADY, WE ARE HAVING LASAGNA!"

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A student writes her parent's, "Deare$t Mom and Dad,

college i$ going well. I am making many friend$ and learning lot$. But $omething i$ mi$$ing, I ju$t wi$h I knew what it wa$. Anyway$, be$t wi$hes and I'll talk to you again $oon.

Her parents respond,

Dearest Daughter,
NOthing makes us happier than kNOwing you're doing well. We NOtice all the hard work and commitment you have put into your studies and it is definitely NOteworthy. We just wanted to ackNOwledge your accomplishments. Thank you for your letter and we love you.

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A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night...

and she says "wow your really well hung" to which I respond "you're pulling my leg"

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A lonely old man decides to get a pet caterpillar...

He takes the pet caterpillar home and sets up a cage for him.
The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the caterpillar, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?"
The caterpillar does not respond.
Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Would you like to go to lunch with me?"
The caterpillar still does not respond and the man walks away sad.
Dinner comes around and again, the man goes to the cage and asks, "Hey would you please like to go to dinner with me?"
To which the caterpillar responds, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

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I Was Getting a Handjob From a Blind Prostitute

"You have the biggest dick I've ever held," she says.

"You're pulling my leg," I respond.

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An atheist is walking through the woods

and he is suddenly set upon by a bear. He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out "Oh God, help!"

And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: "**YES?**"

The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: "Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"

"**YES, I COULD DO THAT**"

And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together.

"What are you doing?" asks the atheist.

"Praying over my dinner."

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Latvian Joke

Bus full of priests come to Latvia, spread word of God. One priest ask Latvian man "Where is children?" Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.

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How does one respond to a black guy sending you a dick pic?

TL;DR

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A professor was in class teaching his students about laws, and begun a conversation about Murphy's Law.

Professor: " Have you ever heard about Murphy's law?"

Student: "No, what's that?"

Professor: "Well basically, it's the principle that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"

Students were impressed, so one student in particular decided to respond.

Student: "Oh yeah? Well have you ever heard about Cole's law?"

Professor: "No, I haven't. I don't believe that's actually a thing."

Student: "It is. It's thinly sliced cabbage"

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When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

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"May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask.

I have no idea how my dad is going to respond.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sees two rather rotund women talking in a strange accent.

"Pardon me" he says "are you ladies from Scotland?"

Slightly offended the women respond "Wales! Asshole!"

"I'm sorry" says the man. "Are you whales from Scotland?"

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A joke my dad told me when I was young

Timmy went to school every day. On Fridays, his teacher would ask a question and whoever got it right would be excused from school for a week.

One Friday the students were in class at the end of the day and the teacher asks the question. "How many grains of sand are there on the entire earth?"

"But mam, how are we supposed to know that?" The students respond.

"Well I guess I'll see you all Monday!"

The next week on Friday she gets the classes attention to ask another question. "How many pints of water are there on this entire earth?"

"Come on mam, that's not fair! How are we supposed to know that?"

"Well, I guess I'll see you on Monday!"

Timmy gets so mad and he comes up with an idea. Next Friday, Timmy brings 2 big bowling balls.

In class the teacher gets ready to ask. "So this weeks question is..." And Timmy rolls the balls to the front of the class. She sees them and says "Who's the comedian with the big black balls?"

"Bill Cosby, see you in a week!"

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What are the most funny Respond jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Respond? Well, here are the best Respond dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Respond pick up lines to share with friends.

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