Respective Jokes
49 respective jokes and hilarious respective puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about respective that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Respective Short Jokes
Short respective jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The respective humour may include short whichever jokes also.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused mark zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
- I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
- Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said I'm the second guy to walk on the moon... Neil before me
- My roommate just called my clothes gay.. Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet
- My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
- If you can't handle me at my worst... Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
- That World Series game was so long... When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.
- My daughter thinks I don't respect her personal boundaries Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary
- PETA should respect Steve Irwin PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.
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Respective One Liners
Which respective one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with respective? I can suggest the ones about depending and respectful.
- My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
- His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- I have no respect for mules. Everything they do is half-assed.
- Respect people who wear glasses They paid money to see you.
- I respect all people Black people
Asian people
And normal people - Did you know that JFK only had 2 names? The F was added to pay respects.
- John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy The f was added to pay respect
- Most people won't get this... Respect from their parents.
- My girlfriend thinks I don't respect her privacy That's what was written in her diary.
- Respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you and some have contacts.
- Which Russian author never paid his respects? Dusty F Key
- My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
- Why is helium the most respected element? People speak very highly of it
- My pharmacist is very well respected... she's a real piller of the community.
Laughter Respective Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about respective you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean relatives jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make respective pranks.
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.
So wake me up when it's all over
Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?
California had first choice!
**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.
"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,
"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"
The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."
The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.
Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.
He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."
The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."
My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.
He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'
I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's
American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".
Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".
fishing by the river
A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
I went to a new family doctor today
I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:
"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".
Quite good eh, I thought.
Completed the registration, I sat down in the waiting area, reading the latest car magazine. A moment later, the nurse speak with the mic:
"The man age 32, with haemorrhoids, please proceed to examination room number 3".
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
I was at a f**... & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS s**... slaves ...
All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.
A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...
When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
No Respect
"A girl phoned me up the other day and said, 'Come on over, no one is home.'
I went over there.
And nobody was home!"
Rodney Dangerfield
What are some of your favourites from Mr. No Respect?
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says
thanks if there's anything you ever need let me know
The dolphin replies
you're welcome
Then the Whale says g**.......why would you want that?
Hoping to find some appreciation for my impressive wit here, since I got zero when I offered it up earlier.
My kids were at the lake making movies on their iPad with their cousins. I saw they were all doing some silly dances, and I asked if they were making a scary movie. They said no, it's a family movie. I responded with, oh, I just thought since your dance moves were so killer. Crickets. No respect.
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
Gender inequality.
There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example...
If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is.
However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.
