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Respect Jokes

120 respect jokes and hilarious respect puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about respect that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Respect jokes are a great way to bring a smile to your face and to others around you. Learn how to build up your own self-respect, to handle haters with grace and gratitude, and to admire the wisdom of those who bring a lighthearted attitude to serious topics.

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Funniest Respect Short Jokes

Short respect jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The respect humour may include short honour jokes also.

  1. These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
  2. The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused mark zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
  3. I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
  4. Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said I'm the second guy to walk on the moon... Neil before me
  5. My roommate just called my clothes gay.. Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet
  6. My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
  7. If you can't handle me at my worst... Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
  8. That World Series game was so long... When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.
  9. My daughter thinks I don't respect her personal boundaries Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary
  10. PETA should respect Steve Irwin PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
    That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

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Respect One Liners

Which respect one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with respect? I can suggest the ones about esteem and trust.

  1. My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
  2. His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects
  3. Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
  4. I have no respect for mules. Everything they do is half-assed.
  5. Respect people who wear glasses They paid money to see you.
  6. I respect all people Black people
    Asian people
    And normal people
  7. Did you know that JFK only had 2 names? The F was added to pay respects.
  8. John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy The f was added to pay respect
  9. Most people won't get this... Respect from their parents.
  10. My girlfriend thinks I don't respect her privacy That's what was written in her diary.
  11. Respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you and some have contacts.
  12. Which Russian author never paid his respects? Dusty F Key
  13. My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
  14. Why is helium the most respected element? People speak very highly of it
  15. My pharmacist is very well respected... she's a real piller of the community.

No Respect Jokes

Here is a list of funny no respect jokes and even better no respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A good romance starts with a foundation of trust, friendship and mutual respect A bad romance starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah roma roma-ma gaga ooh-la-la.
  • My wife thinks I don't respect her boundaries I was so shocked, I didn't want to read her diary anymore.
  • A daughter thinks I don't respect her privacy Why would she write such stuff in her diary?
  • My father works as a statistician at Ford. He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.
  • My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough. Atleast that's what it says in her diary.
  • I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?
  • When I was a teenager, my mom always said that your bedroom is so messy that you will never get any self-respecting girl to come back here. Luckily they weren't the ones I was going after.
  • People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him. I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.
  • Hot Date: Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.
    Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.
  • Why can't software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
    (hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

I Get No Respect Jokes

Here is a list of funny i get no respect jokes and even better i get no respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I Don't Get No Respect I went into a bar and asked for a double. The bartender went into the back and came out with a guy who looked like me.
    -Rodney Dangerfield
  • I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back. I get no respect.
  • I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in. Guess I'm not a mourning person.
  • Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming. My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'
    I tell ya I get no respect.
  • I told my son about the birds and the bees... He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect
  • Tree house builders get no respect... I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!
  • If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get? An F.
    To pay respects.
  • People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree. The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
    Discipline,
    Integrity,
    Respect
    and Wisdom.
  • I don't get no respect. Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.
  • What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Respect joke, What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin?

Self Respect Jokes

Here is a list of funny self respect jokes and even better self respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • National American beauty pageants should only have 49 participating states Because no self-respecting woman should wear a sign saying Idaho
  • While doing their job, why do teachers lose self-respect for themselves? It's DeGrading

Rodney Dangerfield No Respect Jokes

Here is a list of funny rodney dangerfield no respect jokes and even better rodney dangerfield no respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I don't get no respect. I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
  • My wife likes to talk after s**..... So she called me from a hotel room.
Respect joke, My wife likes to talk after s**.....

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Respect Jokes

What funny jokes about respect you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reservation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make respect pranks.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Two functions walk down the street

Two functions walk down the street, 5 and e^x. They see Derivative walking towards them. 5 freaks out, screaming Oh no! Oh no! Derivative is going to come up and operate on me, and then I'll be zero - Oh no!! e^x smugly walks up to Derivative and says, Ha! I'm e^x. You can operate on me all you want and I'll still be e^x. You can't touch me. Derivative looks up, raises an eyebrow, and responds, Oh yeah? I'm partial, with respect to Y.

s**...' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a f**... procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so g**...."

I told her to "respect its culture."

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.
I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

There were two guys playing golf, and a f**... passed

so o**... stopped, and waited for the f**... to pass before continuing with his game.
His companion complimented him on his respect for the f**..., to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

I used to be a s**... in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared

A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'

I was at a f**... & asked the priest for the WiFi password

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"

If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a f**... procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.

Respect the dead

A young man went to a f**.... While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.
Hey, what is the wifi password?
A sad relative said:
Respect the dead!
And the boy asked:
All in lowercase?

What's the difference between a Necron and a Lawyer?

One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k

What's the difference between Logan Paul and h**...?

h**... had respect for Japanese people.

What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over

Height of internet addiction

At a f**... in church
A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?
Priest: Respect the dead.
Visitor: all small letters?

I have lots of respect for s**... workers

I always give them a big tip

Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."

My friend Doug shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.

My wife thinks I'm nosy and I don't respect her privacy.

At least, that's what she wrote in her Diary.

I respect giraffe's...

They're an animal I can look up to.

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?

God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".
The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub

They were all drinking and laughing, but when a f**... procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.
I never knew you had so much respect for the dead? one of his friends commented as he sat back down.
Usually I don't, but after all, we were married for 30 years.

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'
I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

Fedex

Fedex is like my ex, no communication, no respect for my stuff, it never seems to come and somehow it makes me think it's my fault.

Someone in the f**... asks for the Wi-Fi password

"You should respect the dead"
"All together and lower case?"

As a kid I got no respect , I played hide and seek

They wouldn't even look for me

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the b**... to kill you himself.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting Another One Bites The Dust


The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpose in life would be death. So it escaped the farm, and took off to the highway... it saw the lights, and though the creature feared death, it was relieved to be free from the fear that plagued it.
So in short... to get to the other side.

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!
**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of h**... and Bat Out of h**... Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.
They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

What does a good Jewish pun receive?

A standing oy-veytion.
NOTE: Joke is meant with the greatest respect and love.

A good romance starts with trust, mutual respect and kindness.

A bad romance starts with Rah..Rah..Ah...Ah...Ah.....

President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.

He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.

My neighbour started b**... on my wall at 3:20am this morning, can you believe it?

Fortunately, I was still up, listening to music on my new speakers.
I turned it up louder to drown him out but he kept b**... and shouted can we have a little respect please?
I shouted back I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but OK, this one's for you

To the young people on Reddit, have some respect for old people wearing glasses.

They..paid money to see you.

Dear Justin Bieber haters...please respect him.

.
.
I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2014 I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song...
So I got up...and turned off the radio.

A bunch of functions are drinking in bar...

When someone yells "A differential is coming!" All the functions panic and try to hide, except e^x . One of the functions asked "e^x , why aren't you hiding from the differential?" To which it responded "I'm e^x , a differential can't do anything to me!" At that point, the differential walked in and overheard e^x 's arrogant claims to which the differential said "Ah but you see, I differentiate with respect to **y**"
I'm not proud. Learned this from a TA in Diff Eq in college.

I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability

Stand up for yourself!

No Respect

"A girl phoned me up the other day and said, 'Come on over, no one is home.'
I went over there.
And nobody was home!"
Rodney Dangerfield
What are some of your favourites from Mr. No Respect?

I went to a new family doctor today

I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:
"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".
Quite good eh, I thought.
Completed the registration, I sat down in the waiting area, reading the latest car magazine. A moment later, the nurse speak with the mic:
"The man age 32, with haemorrhoids, please proceed to examination room number 3".

Golfing

Al and Bob were on the 9th green getting ready to putt just as a f**... is passing by. Al takes off his hat, holds it to his chest and bows his head in a moment of silence.
After joining him an emotional Bob says "What a nice gesture Al, showing respect like that"
Al grabs his putter out of his bag and says " it's the least I could do, she was my wife for 43 years"

Hoping to find some appreciation for my impressive wit here, since I got zero when I offered it up earlier.

My kids were at the lake making movies on their iPad with their cousins. I saw they were all doing some silly dances, and I asked if they were making a scary movie. They said no, it's a family movie. I responded with, oh, I just thought since your dance moves were so killer. Crickets. No respect.

Respect joke, Hoping to find some appreciation for my impressive wit here, since I got zero when I offered it up e

jokes about respect