Following is our collection of admire puns and spiritually one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Respect jokes for adults, dirty counterparts jokes and clean equal dad gags for kids.
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
So wake me up when it's all over
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet
I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'
A male student's composition:
'I love sex.'
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
...but then I started to respect women
so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.
His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
^jk ^lol
PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.
Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary
Why would she write such stuff in her diary?
Everything they do is half-assed.
Atleast that's what it says in her diary.
one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
Black people
Asian people
And normal people
Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.
Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.
So she called me from a hotel room.
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*ck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
At least, that's what she wrote in her Diary.
All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".
The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"
At a funeral in church
A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?
Priest: Respect the dead.
Visitor: all small letters?
The f was added to pay respect
Respect from their parents.
I told her to "respect its culture."
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.
Hey, what is the wifi password?
A sad relative said:
Respect the dead!
And the boy asked:
All in lowercase?
The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.
I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.
Two functions walk down the street, 5 and e^x. They see Derivative walking towards them. 5 freaks out, screaming Oh no! Oh no! Derivative is going to come up and operate on me, and then I'll be zero - Oh no!! e^x smugly walks up to Derivative and says, Ha! I'm e^x. You can operate on me all you want and I'll still be e^x. You can't touch me. Derivative looks up, raises an eyebrow, and responds, Oh yeah? I'm partial, with respect to Y.
I always give them a big tip
My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'
I tell ya I get no respect.
Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.
One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k
Respect
Hitler had respect for Japanese people.
A Zuckerberg
He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect
They're an animal I can look up to.
The teenager asked his friend, "why do people type 'f' whenever something tragic happens on the internet?" His friend says, "people sometimes press 'f' to show respect." The teenager says, "well then, f you." His friend smiles and says, "f you too, man."
I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!
He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.
They're a mana culture.
I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.
Black Levi's Matter.
Visitor: what's the wifi password here?
Priest: please respect the dead.
Visitor: all lower case?
**EVERYWHERE**.
He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.
Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"
Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."
I was at a funeral last week and someone actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew what the WiFi password was.
I said, "Show some respect for the dead!".
They replied, "all lower case with no spaces?"
I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.
-Daft Limmy
they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.
Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.
The man proceeds to bow his head in respect. As the procession finally makes its way through, the mans friend says, "that's very admirable of you for taking a moment of respect". The man replies, "it's the least I could do, she's my wife."
Just the other day he said he lost all respect for me.
Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?
Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!
That's at least what it says in his diary.
Teach a man to microwave a fish and he'll lose the respect of all his co-workers.
But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity
I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.
It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.
Also, we choose now to live as gay men.
"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it."
They've been extended
(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)
Because they always break up with respect to ex.
And asked the priest for the wi-fi password. The priest responded, please sir have respect for the dead, in which i replied, Is that all in lowercase?
No Juan has more respect for women than I do.
It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)
With respect to x.
I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.
Its a non-prophet organisation.
So I told her to stop rattling in her cage
1. Something said in the pursuit of laughter.
2. A short tale with an end worth laughs after.
3. A noun you expect
commands no respect.
Root word "jocus". This limerick: disaster.
There are not many people who would die for their believes
That was a really nice thing to do, the second golfer says. It's good to see there is still some respect in the world.
Well, it's only right, the first golfer replies. I was married to her for 35 years.
Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.
Steve Irwin taught us to be nice and respect animals.
There is an abundance of appreciation jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 85 funniest jokes and respect puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any funeral witze you can hear about respect.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.