Respect Jokes

Following is our collection of admire puns and spiritually one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Respect jokes for adults, dirty counterparts jokes and clean equal dad gags for kids.

The Best Respect Puns

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon

Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over


Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

I like my women like I like my coffee.

I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?

God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.

Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?

My roommate just called my clothes gay..

Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:

'I love sex.'


I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said

I replied "Is that all lower case?"

If you can't handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.

His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

My daughter thinks I don't respect her personal boundaries

Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary


A daughter thinks I don't respect her privacy

Why would she write such stuff in her diary?

I have no respect for mules.

Everything they do is half-assed.

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

I respect all people

Black people

Asian people

And normal people

Hot Date:

Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.

Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.

My wife likes to talk after sex..

So she called me from a hotel room.

Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to f*ck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."

My wife thinks I'm nosy and I don't respect her privacy.

At least, that's what she wrote in her Diary.

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".

The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church


A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

Most people won't get this...

Respect from their parents.

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross."

I told her to "respect its culture."

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

Respect the dead

A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.

Hey, what is the wifi password?

A sad relative said:

Respect the dead!

And the boy asked:

All in lowercase?

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.

I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.

The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.

Two functions walk down the street

Two functions walk down the street, 5 and e^x. They see Derivative walking towards them. 5 freaks out, screaming Oh no! Oh no! Derivative is going to come up and operate on me, and then I'll be zero - Oh no!! e^x smugly walks up to Derivative and says, Ha! I'm e^x. You can operate on me all you want and I'll still be e^x. You can't touch me. Derivative looks up, raises an eyebrow, and responds, Oh yeah? I'm partial, with respect to Y.

I have lots of respect for sex workers

I always give them a big tip

Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming.

My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'

I tell ya I get no respect.

What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.

What's the difference between a Necron and a Lawyer?

One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

What's the difference between Logan Paul and Hitler?

Hitler had respect for Japanese people.

What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

I told my son about the birds and the bees...

He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect

I respect giraffe's...

They're an animal I can look up to.

A teenager and his friend are sitting together, playing a game

The teenager asked his friend, "why do people type 'f' whenever something tragic happens on the internet?" His friend says, "people sometimes press 'f' to show respect." The teenager says, "well then, f you." His friend smiles and says, "f you too, man."

Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

My friend Doug shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

Day 3 in the desert:

I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.

Black Levi's Matter.

At a funeral...

Visitor: what's the wifi password here?

Priest: please respect the dead.

Visitor: all lower case?

Where did Timmy go during the explosion?

**EVERYWHERE**.

He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.

Birthday Gift for Husband

Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"

Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."

I was at a funeral last week

I was at a funeral last week and someone actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew what the WiFi password was.

I said, "Show some respect for the dead!".

They replied, "all lower case with no spaces?"

As a mark of respect to Lou Reed

I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.

-Daft Limmy

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

Justin Bieber Jokes

Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.

A man is golfing when a funeral precession drives across the bridge ahead...

The man proceeds to bow his head in respect. As the procession finally makes its way through, the mans friend says, "that's very admirable of you for taking a moment of respect". The man replies, "it's the least I could do, she's my wife."

My Father Keeps Losing Things...

Just the other day he said he lost all respect for me.

Job opening in a fast paced company

Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?

Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!

My roommate says I don't respect personal space.

That's at least what it says in his diary.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day...

Teach a man to microwave a fish and he'll lose the respect of all his co-workers.

I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

Respect for the fallen

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

EA AMA: "We have a lot of respect and admiration for the players. We are sorry for the feelings they describe carrying with them these days."

Also, we choose now to live as gay men.

How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it."

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician.

Because they always break up with respect to ex.

So I went to a funeral...

And asked the priest for the wi-fi password. The priest responded, please sir have respect for the dead, in which i replied, Is that all in lowercase?

Which Donald Trump quote is both racist and misogynistic at the same time?

No Juan has more respect for women than I do.

We really need to respect organ donors...

It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)

How do you define a bad breakup?

With respect to x.

I'm going to set up my own religion!

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

My girlfriend said I didn't respect her freedom enough

So I told her to stop rattling in her cage

Jokes

1. Something said in the pursuit of laughter.

2. A short tale with an end worth laughs after.

3. A noun you expect

commands no respect.

Root word "jocus". This limerick: disaster.

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

That was a really nice thing to do, the second golfer says. It's good to see there is still some respect in the world.

Well, it's only right, the first golfer replies. I was married to her for 35 years.

I don't get no respect.

Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.

Stop being so mean to PETA.

Steve Irwin taught us to be nice and respect animals.

There is an abundance of appreciation jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 85 funniest jokes and respect puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any funeral witze you can hear about respect.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes