Respect Jokes
116 respect jokes and hilarious respect puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about respect that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Respect jokes are a great way to bring a smile to your face and to others around you. Learn how to build up your own self-respect, to handle haters with grace and gratitude, and to admire the wisdom of those who bring a lighthearted attitude to serious topics.
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Funniest Respect Short Jokes
Short respect jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The respect humour may include short honour jokes also.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused mark zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
- I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
- Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said I'm the second guy to walk on the moon... Neil before me
- If you can't handle me at my worst... Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
- That World Series game was so long... When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.
- My daughter thinks I don't respect her personal boundaries Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary
- My wife thinks I don't respect her boundaries I was so shocked, I didn't want to read her diary anymore.
- My father works as a statistician at Ford. He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.
- I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?
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Respect One Liners
Which respect one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with respect? I can suggest the ones about esteem and trust.
- My roommate accused me of not respecting his boundaries.. Totally ruined our bath.
- His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Respect people who wear glasses They paid money to see you.
- I respect all people Black people
Asian people
And normal people - Most people won't get this... Respect from their parents.
- Which Russian author never paid his respects? Dusty F Key
- Why is helium the most respected element? People speak very highly of it
- My pharmacist is very well respected... she's a real piller of the community.
- What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy? A Zuckerberg
- As a kid I got no respect , I played hide and seek They wouldn't even look for me
- Hexadecimal is dying. Press 15 to pay respects.
- Tree house builders get no respect... I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!
- What do you call distinguished, highly respected rapper? Eminent
- I highly respect microscopes they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.
No Respect Jokes
Here is a list of funny no respect jokes and even better no respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a teenager, my mom always said that your bedroom is so messy that you will never get any self-respecting girl to come back here. Luckily they weren't the ones I was going after.
- People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him. I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.
- Hot Date: Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.
Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman. - A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave. "Morning", he says respectfully.
"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee." - London held a monocle convention for high class members of society... ... it was a respectable spectacle spectacle.
- To the young people on Reddit, have some respect for old people wearing glasses. They..paid money to see you.
- I Don't Get No Respect I went into a bar and asked for a double. The bartender went into the back and came out with a guy who looked like me.
-Rodney Dangerfield - As a mark of respect to Prince... The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.
I for one intend to party like it's £19.99. - What does a good Jewish pun receive? A standing oy-veytion.
NOTE: Joke is meant with the greatest respect and love. - I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back. I get no respect.
I Get No Respect Jokes
Here is a list of funny i get no respect jokes and even better i get no respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in. Guess I'm not a mourning person.
- Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming. My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'
I tell ya I get no respect. - If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get? An F.
To pay respects. - People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree. The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom. - I don't get no respect. Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.
- What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
- It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
- I don't get no respect. I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
- What do you get when you differentiate Amazon with respect to x? Amazon Prime.
- Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
Self Respect Jokes
Here is a list of funny self respect jokes and even better self respect puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- While doing their job, why do teachers lose self-respect for themselves? It's DeGrading
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Respect Jokes
What funny jokes about respect you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reservation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make respect pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife likes to talk after s**.....
So she called me from a hotel room.
Two functions walk down the street
Two functions walk down the street, 5 and e^x. They see Derivative walking towards them. 5 freaks out, screaming Oh no! Oh no! Derivative is going to come up and operate on me, and then I'll be zero - Oh no!! e^x smugly walks up to Derivative and says, Ha! I'm e^x. You can operate on me all you want and I'll still be e^x. You can't touch me. Derivative looks up, raises an eyebrow, and responds, Oh yeah? I'm partial, with respect to Y.
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...' and 'Love' ....;)
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....
Job opening in a fast paced company
Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?
Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!
As a mark of respect to Lou Reed
I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.
-Daft Limmy
Birthday Gift for Husband
Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"
Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so g**...."
I told her to "respect its culture."
I'm going to set up my own religion!
I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.
Its a non-prophet organisation.
You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician.
Because they always break up with respect to ex.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
Day 3 in the desert:
I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My roommate just called my clothes gay..
Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet
Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.
Respect
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to be a s**... in my home country...
...but then I started to respect women
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day...
Teach a man to microwave a fish and he'll lose the respect of all his co-workers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.
Black Levi's Matter.
My roommate says I don't respect personal space.
That's at least what it says in his diary.
How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at a f**... & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where did Timmy go during the e**...?
**EVERYWHERE**.
He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.
What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.
My Father Keeps Losing Things...
Just the other day he said he lost all respect for me.
A teenager and his friend are sitting together, playing a game
The teenager asked his friend, "why do people type 'f' whenever something tragic happens on the internet?" His friend says, "people sometimes press 'f' to show respect." The teenager says, "well then, f you." His friend smiles and says, "f you too, man."
EA AMA: "We have a lot of respect and admiration for the players. We are sorry for the feelings they describe carrying with them these days."
Also, we choose now to live as gay men.
What's the difference between a Necron and a Lawyer?
One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Logan Paul and h**...?
h**... had respect for Japanese people.
The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.
So wake me up when it's all over
Respect for the fallen
I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.
It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have lots of respect for s**... workers
I always give them a big tip
I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.
They're a mana culture.
I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated
But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"
All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".
The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub
They were all drinking and laughing, but when a f**... procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.
I never knew you had so much respect for the dead? one of his friends commented as he sat back down.
Usually I don't, but after all, we were married for 30 years.
Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.
I have too much shelf respect.
Fedex
Fedex is like my ex, no communication, no respect for my stuff, it never seems to come and somehow it makes me think it's my fault.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i have a lot of respect for trans women
that surgery takes b**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I respect cancer more than I respect depression.
At least cancer has the b**... to kill you himself.
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting Another One Bites The Dust
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line
Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpose in life would be death. So it escaped the farm, and took off to the highway... it saw the lights, and though the creature feared death, it was relieved to be free from the fear that plagued it.
So in short... to get to the other side.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?
California had first choice!
**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe
They had Bat out of h**... and Bat Out of h**... Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.
They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."
I think lamps don't show electricity enough respect...
They just make light of it
President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.
He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.
Dear Justin Bieber haters...please respect him.
.
.
I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2014 I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song...
So I got up...and turned off the radio.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bunch of functions are drinking in bar...
When someone yells "A differential is coming!" All the functions panic and try to hide, except e^x . One of the functions asked "e^x , why aren't you hiding from the differential?" To which it responded "I'm e^x , a differential can't do anything to me!" At that point, the differential walked in and overheard e^x 's arrogant claims to which the differential said "Ah but you see, I differentiate with respect to **y**"
I'm not proud. Learned this from a TA in Diff Eq in college.
No Respect
"A girl phoned me up the other day and said, 'Come on over, no one is home.'
I went over there.
And nobody was home!"
Rodney Dangerfield
What are some of your favourites from Mr. No Respect?
I went to a new family doctor today
I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:
"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".
Quite good eh, I thought.
Completed the registration, I sat down in the waiting area, reading the latest car magazine. A moment later, the nurse speak with the mic:
"The man age 32, with haemorrhoids, please proceed to examination room number 3".
Hoping to find some appreciation for my impressive wit here, since I got zero when I offered it up earlier.
My kids were at the lake making movies on their iPad with their cousins. I saw they were all doing some silly dances, and I asked if they were making a scary movie. They said no, it's a family movie. I responded with, oh, I just thought since your dance moves were so killer. Crickets. No respect.
