Respect Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon

Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

I like my women like I like my coffee.

I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

My roommate just called my clothes gay..

Have a little respect man! They just came out of the closet

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:

'I love sex.'

I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said

I replied "Is that all lower case?"

If you can't handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.

His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'ο»Ώ

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

I have no respect for mules.

Everything they do is half-assed.

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?

They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths' condo and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

I respect all people

Black people

Asian people

And normal people

Hot Date:

Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date.

Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.

My wife likes to talk after sex..

So she called me from a hotel room. No Respect!
RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Odd

A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

Go tell Meyer's wife . . .

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Poker

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"Β 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."Β 

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church


A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ?

Priest: Respect the dead.

Visitor: all small letters?

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

A white doctor in Africa

It's a white doctor in an african village. One day, a horde of African men came to his office and said:
" Doc, we respect you, but we saw that many women started having white babies!"
The doctor laughed and replied: "Oh no! it's not what you think it is! you see, in my ranch I have a lot of white horses and they sometimes have black offspring, nothing unatural!"

The black men looked at eachother, feeling embarrassed.

"Ok doc, we will forget about the women if you forget about the horses."

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross."

I told her to "respect its culture."

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Most people won't get this...

Respect from their parents.

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.

I for one intend to party like it's Β£19.99.

Respect the dead

A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.

Hey, what is the wifi password?

A sad relative said:

Respect the dead!

And the boy asked:

All in lowercase?

I will do all your suffering

It can buy you a House
But not a Home

It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend you will never find.

*anyone know the source of this?*

Two functions walk down the street

Two functions walk down the street, 5 and e^x. They see Derivative walking towards them. 5 freaks out, screaming Oh no! Oh no! Derivative is going to come up and operate on me, and then I'll be zero - Oh no!! e^x smugly walks up to Derivative and says, Ha! I'm e^x. You can operate on me all you want and I'll still be e^x. You can't touch me. Derivative looks up, raises an eyebrow, and responds, Oh yeah? I'm partial, with respect to Y.

'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.

The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.

I have lots of respect for sex workers

I always give them a big tip

Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming.

My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'

I tell ya I get no respect.

What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don't want to follow the same rules as you.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

What's the difference between a Necron and a Lawyer?

One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k

What's the difference between Logan Paul and Hitler?

Hitler had respect for Japanese people.

I told my son about the birds and the bees...

He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect

What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release Fart.
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.

A teenager and his friend are sitting together, playing a game

The teenager asked his friend, "why do people type 'f' whenever something tragic happens on the internet?" His friend says, "people sometimes press 'f' to show respect." The teenager says, "well then, f you." His friend smiles and says, "f you too, man."

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

Day 3 in the desert:

I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back

My roommate said my clothes were gay. Have a little respect man! they just came out of the closet.

A joke told by my priest at church this morning

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a cardinal, when people talk to him, they say 'Your Eminence."'" The third woman, whose son volunteers as a lector to read during mass and is 5'5" while weighing 350 lbs, says "Well, when people see my son, they say 'My God!'"

At a funeral...

Visitor: what's the wifi password here?

Priest: please respect the dead.

Visitor: all lower case?

Where did Timmy go during the explosion?

**EVERYWHERE**.

He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.

Birthday Gift for Husband

Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"

Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.

Black Levi's Matter.

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

As a mark of respect to Lou Reed

I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.

-Daft Limmy

Justin Bieber Jokes

Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.

I was at a funeral last week

I was at a funeral last week and someone actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew what the WiFi password was.

I said, "Show some respect for the dead!".

They replied, "all lower case with no spaces?"

My Father Keeps Losing Things...

Just the other day he said he lost all respect for me.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day...

Teach a man to microwave a fish and he'll lose the respect of all his co-workers.

My roommate says I don't respect personal space.

That's at least what it says in his diary.

Job opening in a fast paced company

Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?

Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!

A joke about the Pope and an atheist by the great Dave Allen

The Pope and an atheist are having a discussion...

and it slowly gets more and more heated until eventually the Pope can't take it anymore and he says to the atheist - "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."

The atheist laughs and says - "With all due respect, we sound awfully similar. You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the difference is *you've found it*.

A man is golfing when a funeral precession drives across the bridge ahead...

The man proceeds to bow his head in respect. As the procession finally makes its way through, the mans friend says, "that's very admirable of you for taking a moment of respect". The man replies, "it's the least I could do, she's my wife."

I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

Respect for the fallen

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

EA AMA: "We have a lot of respect and admiration for the players. We are sorry for the feelings they describe carrying with them these days."

Also, we choose now to live as gay men.

How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it."

At a funeral

Visitor: what's the wifi password here?

Priest: Respect the Dead.

Visitor: all small letters...?

You always split up amicably if you date a mathematician.

Because they always break up with respect to ex.

Height of Internet Addiction

At a funeral

Visitor: What's the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters?

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

Burt and Arthur are playing golf

As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a funeral procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
 

Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn't know Burt had such respect for the deceased, especially in the middle of a shot.
 

Burt replies well usually I wouldn't bother, but after 45 years of marriage I guess it's only fair to her

My girlfriend said I didn't respect her freedom enough

So I told her to stop rattling in her cage

Jokes

1. Something said in the pursuit of laughter.

2. A short tale with an end worth laughs after.

3. A noun you expect

commands no respect.

Root word "jocus". This limerick: disaster.

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

I don't get no respect.

Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

That was a really nice thing to do, the second golfer says. It's good to see there is still some respect in the world.

Well, it's only right, the first golfer replies. I was married to her for 35 years.

What are the funniest respect jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Respect? Well, here are the best Respect puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Respect pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes